Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Film Review: THE ROOM (2003, Tommy Wiseau)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 99 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Tommy Wiseau, Juliette Danielle, Greg Sestero, Philip Haldiman, Carolyn Minnott, Mike Holmes, Robyn Paris. Music by Mladen Milicevic.
Tag-line: "A film with the passion of Tennessee Williams."
Best one-liner: " I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did NOT. Oh, hi, Mark!"

Somewhere beyond the far reaches of our galaxy, there lies a world which shares certain superficial similarities with our own.

The creatures who inhabit it resemble humans physiologically (albeit with pock-marked, squamous, steroid-ravaged skin and long, greasy, buttery tresses),

but their culture and behavior is wholly alien. Occasionally this planet receives transmissions of American daytime television, soft-core films of the early 90's, JC Penney ads, and Boyz II Men music videos. On one memorable day, they intercepted a double feature of REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE and THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. This had quite an impact.

Now, the atmosphere of this world has an unnatural character to it- the best way to describe it to a human would be perhaps to say that it resembles a superimposition via one of our "green-screens."

For recreation, these beings are known to playfully toss a football back and forth across a short distance, but this activity is extremely dangerous, and frequently leads to injury.

Their favorite food is cheesecake, and their favorite beverage is scotch, topped off with vodka: "scotchka."

Some of them are afflicted with breast cancer, but on their planet it's no more serious than the common cold. And unlike in our dimension, when these life forms reach adulthood, they still have a great deal of homework assignments. They deal with the stress by constantly partaking in the sweet, gentle music of laughter: i.e., "Anything for my princess!... Hah-ha-hach-hach-haaaa."

Regardless, in the hopes of expanding the pool of our collective human consciousness, they compiled- at the cost of 7 million Earth dollars- a new gospel. A film.

They sent Ambassador Tommy Wiseau to our world to submit, for our consideration, THE ultimate, definitive exploration of the human condition- from the outside.

So I urge you all to attend this extraterrestrial seminar on that species known as Homo sapiens. It’s held in a little-known institution of higher learning, so humbly called… THE ROOM.

-Sean Gill


HK Fanatic said...

One of the most surreal experiences of my life was checking out the trailer for Tommy Wiseau's long-in-the-works project "The Neighbors" (a failed sitcom about...office coworkers) on YouTube and realizing that one of my high school classmates was in it. Bear in mind that I had a graduating class of less than 28 kids...

I never saw the guy after high school but I have to wonder what kind of lifestyle path would lead you to star in a Wiseau production.

Sean Gill said...

That's pretty great. I can only imagine the the ecstasy and the terror that would accompany one's inclusion in a Wiseau project. In other words, where do I sign up?