Television Review: CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT (1992, Arnold Schwarzenegger)

Stars: I dunno, 3? 3 of 5? Does that seem like too many?
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Dyan Cannon (DEATHTRAP, BOB & TED & CAROL & ALICE), Kris Kristofferson (ALICE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE, CONVOY), Tony Curtis (SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS, SPARTACUS), Richard Roundtree (SHAFT, SHAFT'S BIG SCORE), Jimmy Workman ("Pugsley" from THE ADDAMS FAMILY and ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES), Sonny Carl Davis (TERRORVISION, THE 'BURBS). Cast by Jackie Burch, the legendary casting director responsible for the ensembles in PREDATOR, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, COMMANDO, FRIGHT NIGHT, DIE HARD, and COMING TO AMERICA. Music by Charles Fox (DEMOLITION MAN, 9 TO 5).
Tagline: "She's hungry for ratings... he's hungry for dinner... director Arnold Schwarzenegger cooks up a holiday hit!"
Best one-liner: "I'll be back!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway: 

"So what are we doin' for the holidays this year?"

–"Nada mucho, good buddy. I'm afraid there will be no Christmas at Junta Juleil this year."  

"But what about all the good times? REINDEER GAMES? DIE HARD? BATMAN RETURNS? CHRISTMAS AT PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE? ELVES? JINGLE ALL THE WAY?"

–"Why would you even mention JINGLE ALL THE WAY? I'm still a little pissed at you for making me watch that."

"But don't ya just associate Christmas with Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

–"What? No."

"Well, maybe you should. Cause I got a motion picture for ya here that's gonna blow your mind: CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT."

–"Isn't that that '40s movie where, according to the promotional materials, Dennis Morgan is gonna teach Barbara Stanwyck about men, 'the Navy way?'"

"Well, yes. But this isn't that."

–"There's another CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT?"

"So in 1992, TNT––that is, Turner Network Television––decided to finance a made-for-TV remake. The choice of director was... shall we say... unconventional."

–"WHAT?! Schwarzenegger? Are you JINGLE ALL THE WAY-ing me again?"

"Not exactly. Though JINGLE ALL THE WAY is an underrated movie, and the only one I can think of which features a Santa laying down smack with candy cane nunchaku. But let's focus on the film at hand. So Arnie was trying to figure out if directing was really for him. He'd already cut his teeth on a TALES FROM THE CRYPT episode in 1990 and was looking for something bigger."

–"Uhhh.... by 'bigger,' you mean a Hallmark-level rom-com?"

"Let's not peg the big guy down. Like Walt Whitman, Arnie contains multitudes: TOTAL RECALL and TWINS, THE TERMINATOR and JUNIOR."

–"Just tell me what we're dealing with here."

"Kris Kristofferson plays a heroic forest ranger who makes the national news after a dramatic rescue. Arnold really puts a lot of himself into his direction here, as we spend some time really getting to know Kristofferson as he silently works out in his cabin. Sorta like the prologue to COMMANDO.

–"Kristofferson really giving us some Chuck Norris-in-a-Cannon-Film vibes there."

"Meanwhile, in New York City, Dyan Cannon plays a Martha Stewart-esque lifestyle TV host. The twist is that she's only the façade of the program––she doesn't actually know how to cook or decorate. 

 

She's really a lonely, apartment-dwelling lady whose greatest passion is, I guess, Hummel figurines.

 Her world is ruled by her overbearing producer, played by Tony Curtis."

–"And Arnold worked with his daughter the next year when they shot TRUE LIES! I wonder if Jamie Lee is in that movie because of Arnold and Tony's friendship?"

"Who can say. Anyway, Tony Curtis, who has retained the oily smarm of his character from SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS and fused it together with something like latter-day Liberace, is sort of the MVP of this whole strange affair.

Donning silk shirts, clutching pearls, and enjoying avocado-and-green-tea facials, Tony hasn't had this much fun since he was a pampered disco daddy in THE MANITOU."

–"Hey, like Martha Plimpton says in PECKER, 'No tea-bagging.'"

"Sure. So Tony Curtis sees Kris Kristofferson on the teevee and decides that he ought to be the special guest on Dyan Cannon's live Christmas special, to be filmed at a prop house in Connecticut. Dyan's media persona is, apparently, built on the idea that she is married with adult children and lives her life as a happy homemaker in New England. I don't know how this subterfuge is supposed to have worked, since, the first time it comes up in the film, her overbearing producer (Tony Curtis) suggests, in the spur of the moment, that he should play the role of her husband. Who's been playing that role up till now?"

–"Seems ill-conceived."

"Eh, it doesn't really matter. The whole thing would probably be easier if they just told Kris the truth, that he was appearing on a TV program governed by a certain amount of artifice. I guess it's more of a device so that Dyan Cannon has to pretend she's unavailable to Kris Kristofferson even though they have obvious and immediate chemistry."

–"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Schwarzenegger directs the scene in which they first meet with a deft directorial hand. You see, Kristofferson comes in the front door while Cannon is bending over and cleaning up some broken glass. He proceeds to check out her butt for an excruciating twenty-nine seconds."

–"That's, like, an eternity in TV time."

"Ya don't tell an auteur what to do. I've seen Terrence Malick contemplate the beauty of a reed rustling in the wind for twenty-nine seconds. Anyway, sparks continue to fly when Dyan Cannon watches Kris chopping wood."

–"Also like in COMMANDO!"

"Most things in life come back to COMMANDO. This, obviously, leads to a sequence which I would describe as 'Let Me Show You How to Cut a Tree.' It's no 'Let Me Show You How to Play Tennis,' but it works just as well in a pinch."

–"Romantic."

"I'll say. Finally, things come to a head once the live taping begins. A comedy of errors ensues with  problem after problem spawned by Dyan Cannon's fake family, her inability to actually cook, and zany/domineering producorial decisions made by Tony Curtis. 

Kris Kristofferson, the everyman, is quite confused by the whole thing,

and it's all nearly too much for poor Tony Curtis.

Oh, did I mention Richard Roundtree is in this, too? He plays a network executive whom TC (that's right, I have a new Tony Curtis abbreviation) interrupts mid-Mass––we're talkin' full-on mouthful of Eucharist––with a highlight reel on VHS."

–"What in the hell is going on here? Can we just wrap this up?"

"Oh, yeah––and you should know that Schwarzenegger puts a few more personal, directorial touches on the movie. First-off, like Alfred Hitchcock, he gives himself a cameo. He plays "Guy in Crew Tent on Phone With Winter Coat on His Knees."

–"Just like Hitch. I'm sure it's worth the price of admission."

"And I saved the best for last––he has Dyan Cannon's faux son-in-law (Gene Lythgow) dress up as THE TERMINATOR and say, 'I'll be back.'"

–"Gene Lythgow? Is that like an off-brand John Lithgow? Everything about this movie seems like it's slightly off-brand, ersatz. Oh, it's not that CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT. And it aired on TNT? TNT is such an ersatz network. Why not just put it on USA or TBS?"

"Doesn't seem like you're much in the holiday spirit."

–"I'm not. I'm a real grinch."

"I know what'll cheer you up. I'll let you in on a little secret. Remember REINDEER GAMES?"

–"I've been trying to forget REINDEER GAMES."

"Yeah, but whenever I'm feeling low, I watch that really heartwarming scene where Gary Sinise throws darts into Ben Affleck. Like Colt 45, I find that it works every time."

–"Whaddya know, I do feel better. Why, it's a holiday miracle––Merry Christmas!––God bless us every one!"

"It's the gift that keeps giving. Anyway, CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT, ladies and gentlemen."

"Rumours" in Hobart

I have a new essay about Fleetwood Mac's 1977 album Rumours online at Hobart, as a part of their Jukebox Happy Hour series.

(Other essays of mine which have appeared in Hobart include a Jukebox Happy Hour piece on Blue Öyster Cult's 1988 album Imaginos and a piece entitled "The Mysterious Ecstasy of Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for Super Nintendo.")

Only now does it occur to me... EVERGREEN (1934)

Only now does it occur to me... that in the midst of an otherwise traditional 1930s musical (the British classic, EVERGREEN), we'd take a hard left turn into a World War I flashback fantasy

 
that's an extended homage to German expressionist auteur Fritz Lang––particularly his masterpiece METROPOLIS (1927)––




which feeds us this majestic sci-fi imagery for about two minutes, including one amazing tableau (women forged into bullets)


that may have even inspired the H.R. Giger piece, "Birth Machine" (1967).

For reference, the rest of the movie takes place pretty much on stage/backstage at realistically depicted British music halls from the 1930s.

R.I.P., Daria Nicolodi

I'm sorry to report the passing of Daria Nicolodi, a true titan of Italian cinema and a true giallo Hall-of-Famer here at Junta Juleil. In her capacity as a performer, a writer, and a muse, she left her mark on horror cinema forever. R.I.P.

Only now does it occur to me... THE BODYGUARD (1992)

Only now does it occur to me... that Kevin Costner's character in THE BODYGUARD hates boats because he's experiencing psychic reverberations of the trials he will endure in the future of... WATERWORLD.







Speaking of "psychic reverberations of the future," he's talking to Whitney Houston's onscreen son there, played by DeVaughn Nixon. Throughout this film, he must live in fear of an unstoppable killer who wants to murder his mom. Not unlike his performance in TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY, when a practically unstoppable killer (Linda Hamilton's Sarah Connor) wants to assassinate his dad (Joe Morton's Miles Dyson).

I must also give a shout-out to two major nods to arthouse cinema: first, during Whitney's "Queen of the Night," she is done up like Brigitte Helm in the notorious "Whore of Babylon" dance sequence from Fritz Lang's METROPOLIS:

as scenes from the film are projected behind her:

 Secondly, Costner takes Whitney on a date to see Akira Kurosawa's YOJIMBO,

which translates to, in English, "THE BODYGUARD." They review the film as follows:

I wish this would happen more often. What if, in Paul Haggis' CRASH, Thandie Newton and Terrence Howard had gone to the movies and seen David Cronenberg's CRASH? What if, in Cormac McCarthy's THE ROAD, Viggo Mortensen had arranged a post-apocalyptic screening of Fellini's LA STRADA? Some good possibilities there. Anyway.

Only now does it occur to me... WATERWORLD (1995)

Only now does it occur to me... that the 1990s were all about taking existing stories and setting them on a boat. 

First, we got UNDER SIEGE. You cannot dispute that it's DIE HARD on a boat. That's the entire elevator pitch.

SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL? SPEED on a boat, obviously. Easy.

CAPTAIN RON?... is clearly WHAT ABOUT BOB on a boat. Think about it.

WHITE SQUALL? Eh, DEAD POETS SOCIETY on a boat.

DOWN PERISCOPE? Pretty much KELLY'S HEROES on a boat.

DEEP RISING? Definitely FROM DUSK TILL DAWN on a boat (or SCARECROWS works, too).

CRIMSON TIDE? Sorta FAIL SAFE/DR. STRANGELOVE on a boat. (Yeah, submarine, whatever.)

NAVY SEALS, with Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn? TOP GUN on a boat. (With fewer volleyball and even more propaganda.)

THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER? I'm gonna make the argument that it's your classic intelligence game/defector/TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY story, mainly so I can remind you that the rhyme which gives John le Carre's novel its title originally says "sailor" instead of "spy," so why don't you go think about that for a minute as you ponder all these 90s boats (and submarines, too, I guess).

CABIN BOY? This one's a little tougher. There's a little DON QUIXOTE, PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, and MONTY PYTHON in there. Nevertheless, you must admit that it takes place on a boat.

TITANIC? Could go a lot of ways here, from WUTHERING HEIGHTS to GONE WITH THE WIND to AIRPORT or whatever, but as the highest-grossing movie of the 1990s, there's definitely the sense that it helps define the 90s as a boat-related decade.

Which brings us to WATERWORLD. Which is... MAD MAX: THE ROAD WARRIOR on a boat!

It takes FISHTAR-sized balls to open your summer blockbuster with Kevin Costner drinking his own pee. This is literally the first thing we see, after a Waterworlded version of the Universal logo.

This, and the rest of WATERWORLD, is George Miller-infused, post-apocalyptic madness, chock full of oil and gasoline-seeking weirdos, Terry Gilliam/Karel Zeman flying machines, and costumes made out of trash and (pirate) bondage gear. (Big shoutout to costumer John Bloomfield, who also did CONAN THE BARBARIAN and THE MUMMY '99, among others.)

 

Despite the troubled production and its awful "KEVIN'S GATE" reputation, WATERWORLD, when you get down to it, is actually pretty enjoyable. It's certainly no worse than typical, semi-competent 90s popcorn fare like INDEPENDENCE DAY or TWISTER or SPEED. Speaking of SPEED: Dennis Hopper is in the house, and he's having a blast.

As "The Deacon," the one-eyed barbarian king of "The Smokers," his only character traits are that he's sadistic, insane, and loves smoking. Here he is, tossing handfuls of cigarettes at a parade like they're candy:

He says things like "I swear to Poseidon" and "Excuuuuuuse me!" and even tries to get little children hooked on tobacco with the promise of Sharpie Highlighters.

He gives it just the right amount of "crazy-eye to comedy" ratio, never going full-Busey (Gary Busey––along with Jack Nicholson, Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, and Laurence Fishburne were also up for the role.)

There's a lot going on here, from a generic James Newton Howard Score to Costner having gills behind his ears and webbed feet, but they manage to make room for Kim Coates playing a weird Irishman rapist with costume elements made from the infamous, fish-choking six-pack rings.

So that's something. Costner even allows a female lead to share the screen with him on occasion, and it's Jeanne Tripplehorn, whose name often appears in the same sentence as the words "deserves better."

She endured literal brushes with death, jellyfish stings, and being stuck on a boat with Kevin Costner. Of the experience, she said “I was feeling a little like Patty Hearst. I was just completely brainwashed by my captors and I was just out there trying to get through it.” Holy shit, WATERWORLD! I guess it's all worth it cause she gets this nice n' corny SUPERMAN/"Can You Read My Mind?" sequence where Costner uses his webbed feet to swim her down to the bottom of the ocean to take a magical look at the ruined remnants of Indianapolis or wherever.

Anyway. MAD MAX on a boat!