Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 107 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Hilary Swank (BOYS DON'T CRY, MILLION DOLLAR BABY), Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, COLLISION COURSE), Michael Ironside (TOTAL RECALL, SCANNERS), Sonny Trinidad (THE KARATE KID PART II, DARKMAN), Walton Goggins (VICE PRINCIPALS, THE HATEFUL EIGHT), Constance Towers (SHOCK CORRIDOR, THE NAKED KISS), Chris Conrad ("Johnny Cage" in MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION, CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER). Cinematography by Lazlo Kovacs (FIVE EASY PIECES, EASY RIDER).
Best one-liner: "I don't care if you're a friend of the Pope!"
Okay, so I'm here to talk to you about THE NEXT KARATE KID. And what can I say? It shifts the action from the iconic Los Angeles/"All Valley" environs to the suburbs of Boston. It dumps Cobra Kai for a weird high school jock-club called the "Alpha Elite." It feels mostly like a generic KARATE KID rip-off that managed to accidentally snag Pat Morita, so they had to quickly rebrand it as a bona fide sequel. Also, this thing is shot by ace Hungarian arthouse cinematographer Lazlo Kovacs. Lazlo "FIVE EASY PIECES/PAPER MOON/EASY RIDER" Kovacs. Madness.
Hilary Swank plays Julie Pierce, Mr. Miyagi's latest protégé. She's the bangs-wearing granddaughter of a Miyagi war buddy and an orphan being cared for by her grandmother (Constance Towers, of Sam Fuller fame). She is introduced while giving a series of eyebrow-arching exposition dumps to her grandmother; all of which is information that she already knows.
Just an incredible way to convey that information.
In subsequent years, Hilary Swank went on to perform nuanced and award-winning work in a number of studio and indie films and has even won two Oscars for her efforts. In THE NEXT KARATE KID, however, she is–––how do I put this?––"not great." It's not entirely her fault; the screenplay is a mess and I'm certain that the majority of the direction she received was "crinkle your face as if you are smelling an unpleasant odor," which is certainly a choice. Hey, it's from the director of YOUNG GUNS, I don't know what you want.
And even though Swank is twenty years old and far more high school-adjacent than anyone who appeared in GREASE, the costuming and styling here make her look, to my eyes, like a thirty-year-old playing Punky Brewster. However, it was my wife who really hit the nail on the head when she said, "She looks like she's supposed to be Michelle Tanner's visiting Greek cousin from that one episode of FULL HOUSE"
which is probably the most accurate assessment we're ever going to get. We can go ahead and close the book on that one.
Anyway, Swank's character is content to play hooky and deliver monologues to her pet bird of prey,
but then, look out, folks: bullies!
These tuff guys in the Levis are members of the aforementioned "Alpha Elite," and the only one of them who looks under forty is Baby Walton Goggins.
Wait, what... Goggins?! (I happen to think he's one of our finest working actors, and it's hilarious to see him play a twerpy little bully like this. Love it. Just think of it as a prequel to VICE PRINCIPALS.)
The Alpha Elite are overseen by legendary Canadian character actor and Junta Juleil hall-of-famer, Michael Ironside.
He is the ersatz John Kreese of this movie, and it's a role Ironside was born to play. Bellowing at middle-aged high schoolers about how they need to "toughen up," baring his teeth, and kickin' butt. That's the Ironside way. He's basically his character from STARSHIP TROOPERS. When Miyagi shows up to cast aspersions on his teaching acumen,
he stares him down with that patented Ironside crazy-face (see also: HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING)
and says, "I don't care if you're a friend of the Pope." Um, good one?
I think the Alpha Elite are supposed to be a dojo, a sports team, an ROTC-type organization, and the high school's hall monitors, all at once. None of this really matters, because the movie is not so invested in their plot line. Ironside gets about fifteen minutes of screen-time, and the movie routinely and immediately forgets about the Alpha Elite each time they are built up as a threat.
At prom, they bungee jump down from the rafters and... intimidate the crowd, I guess?
I don't know why this happens, or to what purpose, and, hell, I just watched the movie.
The bulk of the film revolves around Swank's karate training which takes place at a Zen Buddhist monastery somewhere in the wilds of Massachusetts. Hilary Swank practices karate moves in a montage set to a song by The Cranberries.
This is mostly to remind us that it's 1994, but it also demonstrates that Hilary Swank's karate moves are technically more proficient than Ralph Macchio's. Heresy? I don't think so. Look at that crane kick. Elsewhere, she's got some practically JCVD-adjacent extension.
There's a zany subplot where the monks leave the monastery and go bowling. I never promised you a rose garden.
Look at this shirt Miyagi is wearing. Just look at it.
(Borrowed from Sinbad?)
Because "wax on, wax off" is far too manly to teach to a woman, apparently, Swank obtains her "karate while doing a mundane task" merit badge from Miyagi by... babysitting.
Also, the entire sequence is written and shot in such a way as to render it completely indistinguishable from an actual NERF commercial. Anyway, that's how women learn karate in the film's universe: through childcare and NERF fights. Whew.
There's also a subplot where Swank is dating this forty-five-year-old high school student,
and ya know what, we can just skip that, it's cool.
All of this leads to a sudden finale where a car gets blown up
and then Ironside comes back for revenge,
and it feels very unmotivated, like what's he getting revenge for exactly?, and then Ironside's faux-Kreese battles Miyagi in a facsimile of the fight scene that opens KARATE KID PART II, except instead of booping his opponent's nose at a climactic moment,
Miyagi comically blows him over with a puff of air. There's a bit of fight choreography that stuck out to me, though: at one point, Miyagi grabs Ironside by his forearms, causing him to look down in horror,
a strange replay/homage to the iconic Schwarzenegger vs. Ironside "See you at the party, Richter" fight in TOTAL RECALL,
wherein Ironside loses his arms. So there you have it, folks: THE NEXT KARATE KID.
As a final note, I think that TV's COBRA KAI––which is one of the best purveyors of nostalgia out there, and the best current '80s reboot I can think of––should absolutely embrace THE NEXT KARATE KID. Get Walton Goggins and Michael Ironside in there. Then Hilary Swank should show up in the series finale, announce that Miyagi taught only her his most treasured karate secrets, and kick everyone's ass.
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