Television Review: THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (2005, John Putch)

Stars: 1.5 of 5.
Running Time: 174 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Rutger Hauer, Steve Guttenberg, Adam Baldwin (FULL METAL JACKET, D.C. CAB), Bryan Brown (COCKTAIL, F/X), Peter Weller (NAKED LUNCH, ROBOCOP), Alex Kingston (CROUPIER, Dr. Corday on ER), C. Thomas Howell (THE HITCHER, RED DAWN, SOUL MAN), Nathalie Boltt (DISTRICT 9, DOOMSDAY), Peter Dobson (THE FRIGHTENERS, LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN). Directed by John Putch (THE BOY WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS), screenplay by Bryce Zabel (MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION).
Tag-lines: "THE GREATEST DANGER IS ALREADY ON BOARD"
Best one-liner: "How do you celebrate saving nine people when thousands have died?"

How did it come to this? How did it come to watching a Hallmark original movie with a running time of nearly three hours on a Saturday night which I had not previously reserved for such self-flagellation? Well, I'll give you a reason: Rutger Hauer. You want another one? You got it: Peter Weller. Thirsty for more? Hang onto your hats: Steve Guttenberg. Bryan Brown. C. Thomas Howell. That's right- this movie is a late-career pit stop for the luminaries who helped bring us BLADE RUNNER. ROBOCOP. COCKTAIL. THREE MEN AND A BABY. SOUL MAN. It's a reunion for the two leads of THE HITCHER, an excuse to show us how much the Gute's been working out, and an opportunity for Bryan Brown to down a couple Singapore Slings and get paid for it (except there's no Hippy-hippy Shake or Tom Cruise wing-manning this time around).

A remake of the 1972 disaster classic (starring Gene Hackman and Shelley Winters, among others) which chronicled the overturning of a doomed ocean liner and the attempts of the survivors to escape, Hallmark's 2005 POSEIDON ADVENTURE does not disappoint. Oh wait- yes, it does. Despite the staggering talent lined up before the camera, the film manages only to be an awkward shitstorm of bad CGI, unbearable bit players, cumbersome writing, intolerable pacing, and bungled set-pieces which only serve to remind the viewer of the superiority of the original, a film held together by that incredible human glue called Ernest Borgnine.

Such a film as this does not deserve a coherent review, so I shall offer some semi-articulate stream-of-consciousness ramblings that we can pretend are well-organized speaking points. After all, I just pretended that Hallmark's POSEIDON ADVENTURE was a real movie, so if we all just go through the motions, perhaps we can salvage some of C. Thomas Howell's dignity.

A few observations on Hallmark's POSEIDON ADVENTURE:

1. The POSEIDON itself. Now, I'm not even going to get into how, in this version, it's terrorists and not a tidal wave that flips the infamous ship, but let's give some thought to a cruise ship that's all CGI, all the time. Not just when it's sinking or flipping over or exploding... all the time.

Note CGI moon.


AHHHHHHH

Was stock footage of a cruise ship that hard to find? Or even shooting new footage of an actual cruise ship? I'm having a rough time coming to grips with the fact that it's apparently easier to book Rutger Hauer than it is to find stock footage of a cruise ship. Although it gives renewed hope to my dream that Rutger Hauer will one day host a screening of BLIND FURY in my apartment.

2. Adam Baldwin. He played 'Animal Mother' in FULL METAL JACKET with a twisted joie de vivre that was so memorable, I would go as far as to say that the name "Animal Mother" is more recognizable than "Adam 'no, not one of those Baldwins' Baldwin."

Playing some sort of anti-terrorist agent, he wanders around the ship scowling with intensity, mumbling about "terroristic activities in this hemisphere," and growling lines like "Everything's safe till it isn't!" He- like most everyone else in the film- is giving it his best shot, but without trying toooo hard. I'm imagining a conversation between Baldwin and maybe a gaffer dude at the craft services table...

Baldwin: "You know... I worked with Kubrick."
Gaffer: "Oh yeh?"
Baldwin: "He took me aside once, and said, 'Adam...the art of film acting is in–"
Gaffer: "Could you please not double-dip your celery?"
Baldwin: "Sorry, didn't realize that Ranch was communal."
Gaffer: "Do you think you could get me Alec's autograph?"
Baldwin: "..."

3. There may be no Borgnine this time around, but there is an annoying kid with a video camera.


How is that a trade-off? Why you gotta do that, Hallmark POSEIDON ADVENTURE? Haven't we suffered enough already? Everybody hates that device in a movie when somebody whips out a video camera and then we see 'Video POV' - generally just the •REC logo slapped on the image, which doesn't actually look like any real camcorder's viewfinder anyway. Also, everybody hates annoying kids. So the combination of the two is certainly volatile. You played with fire, Hallmark POSEIDON ADVENTURE. You played with fire, and you got burned. (More on that later.) Even a good movie could have been ruined by this.

4. The ill-conceived "Sea Pass" sequence, whereupon the major players are introduced by their snazzy Photoshopped Poseidon I.D.s...

...no further comment.

5. 'Gute the sex bomb.

Maybe my memory's a little fuzzy, but I don't remember in POLICE ACADEMY or in THREE MEN AND A BABY or even in THREE MEN AND A LITTLE LADY the Gute getting naked more often than Keitel. I think it's a recent development. And I shall not judge: I mean, the dude has been working out a lot, apparently. So he gets a quasi-erotic massage from a lady who's not his harpy wife,

which leads to the two of them in flagrante delicto when the POSEIDON flips. He puts some clothes on to escape, and lo and behold, a sleeve immediately tears, revealing Gute bicep action.

It goes past the point of 'the director had a crush on the Gute' to 'it was probably in the Gute's contract.' And so the Gute joins the ranks of Keitel and Dafoe, which for some reason has me pondering how different ANTICHRIST would have turned out had it starred the Gute. More on him and his massagin' floozy in a bit.

6. C. Thomas Howell.


Looking pretty gaunt but still holding up well, I thought I'd be happy to see C. Thomas. E.T. THE OUTSIDERS. RED DAWN. THE HITCHER. SOUL MAN. TANK. The man made the most of the 80's. But something about his presence here depressed me. He does a fine job with his paper-thin character, but I think the disheartening element is how happy he is. He's exuding genuine peppiness. Vim and vigor. He is damned excited to be on set. No one else, not even the twenty-somethings getting their first "break" by appearing in this film are that excited. This is a Hallmark production. C. Thomas, you've appeared in enough quality pictures in your lifetime, that even if you're not at the top of the A-list these days, you should kind of be phoning it in for a Hallmark movie. Rutger Hauer is mailing it in, for godssakes (more on that later).

7. But how great is it to have Rutger Hauer and C. Thomas Howell chowing down at the same table for the first time since that diner in THE HITCHER.


According to the DVD bonus interviews, Howell said that "it was great to reconnect with Rutger." He also says "Hallmark stories are from the heart." I say he was still probably as scared shitless of Rutger as he was the first time around. Anyway, on a semi-related note, I'm pretty sure that this makes me the first person to actually indulge in THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE's bonus features.

8. Rutger, Rutger, Rutger.

I see you. I see you recoiling in horror at this movie. You know you're in the Gene Hackman role, and you know he played the part with a selfless ferocity that was downright electric. I know you know that you could pull it off, too. I also know that you know that you're in a Hallmark movie. And you know that I know that you're in a Hallmark movie. And we both know that you're phoning it in, and we both know that there's nothing else you can do. Fade into the background and hope people mistake you for the wallpaper. Live to act another day. In something like HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN. You are the true survivalist, Rutger. I salute you.

9. Peter Weller. Donning Grandma glasses and a captain's uniform, he plays his brief role with a soft-spoken old-Hollywood-style charm which sort of recalls, say, Fred Astaire?

He's solid enough, and doesn't wear out his welcome. But even if he were terrible, I don't think I could ever say anything bad about Peter Weller.

10. Bryan Brown, playing a Simon Cowell-esque celebrity.

You could say, "I bet it was easy for him to play the part, because he is a celebrity." But then I would ask you, "When was the last time I made a 'Rollie' Tyler reference and somebody knew what the hell I was talking about?" Regardless, Bryan Brown's always a lot of fun to watch, and I though I don't actually think he was wasted for the duration, I'd still prefer to think so. His character's got a young French wifey (Tinarie Van Wyk-Loots) who presents two problems for us:

#1. Her fake French accent is horrible, and #2. We have to listen to her overproduced, intolerable singing voice. I 'get' that it's a nod to "The Morning After" (the Oscar-winning song from the original POSEIDON), but that don't make it hurt any less.

11. Alex Kingston. I'm a big Kingston fan because of her role as Dr. Corday on ER, where she embodied that elusive combination of classy charm and smart-ass smarm.

Here, she's required to furrow her brow, look at a radar screen, and mutter shoddy faux-sincere dialogue. I hope she bought herself something nice with her paycheck.

12. THE MAW OF CGI FLAMES!!!

In goes the terrorist! Boo! Hiss!

Then, in a semi-shocking series of extremely judgmental events- in goes the massagin' floozy!


That'll teach ya, ya chippy! Mess around with a married man and you can taste the flames of the CGI inferno! Thank you, Hallmark. If you had let her live, the very values systems which guide our lives may have been tarnished.

I can't write any more about this. And because I can't quite focus on driving my points home, I'm afraid that it may leave you with the impression that Hallmark's POSEIDON ADVENTURE is not quite as bad as it actually is. It is bad. It is very bad. And it is three hours long. Hold that in your heart, and go forth.

-Sean Gill