Only now does it occur to me... MUPPETS MOST WANTED

Only now does it occur to me...  that the new Muppet movie series has finally succeeded in recapturing the spirit of the 1980s... by casting Danny Trejo as a prisoner!  And not just any prisoner– while the rest of them have colorful names, Danny Trejo plays... Danny Trejo.

Also, you are not hallucinating– that's Ray Liotta glowering beside him.  And no, that's not an ordinary prison, that is a Siberian gulag.  So let's allow this to sink in for a minute:  we are seeing Danny Trejo and Ray Liotta as prisoners in a Siberian gulag in a Muppet movie from 2014.

I have often made claims that "technically it's not a prison movie unless Danny Trejo's in it" and that "it's technically not an 80s action movie unless Danny Trejo plays a prisoner or Al Leong plays a henchman," so this technically fulfills all requirements...

...and then some.  I mean, just look at this.  Trejo and Liotta involved in a show-stoppin' song n' dance number while their Commandant Tina Fey and Kermit and Miss Piggy and Kermit's evil doppelgänger look on.  I mean, this is kind of why you watch a Muppet movie in the first place.

There's a lot of other quasi-mind-blowing cameos which I shan't spoil, but as long as we're talking the 1980s, I have to mention that Kermit and Miss Piggy are married by Skeletor (Frank Langella).

In the end, I was pleasantly surprised by this movie.  I found it far superior to THE MUPPETS (2011), and a return to madcap form.

Only now does it occur to me... PRETTY WOMAN

Only now does it occur to me... that PRETTY WOMAN is a remake of... CROCODILE DUNDEE!

Okay, so here goes:  wealthy, New York professional (exec Richard Gere in PRETTY WOMAN, reporter Linda Kozlowski in CROCODILE DUNDEE) who works a job they existentially-but-not-yet-consciously dislike thanks to a controlling father (Gere's dad left him the company-buying business in PRETTY WOMAN, Kozlowski's dad owns Newsday in DUNDEE) travels a great distance (L.A. in PRETTY WOMAN, Australia in DUNDEE) to meet a charming-yet-seedy underdog (back alley sex worker Julia Roberts in PRETTY WOMAN, outback madman Paul Hogan in DUNDEE) whose services they hire out for a sum ($3,000 in PRETTY WOMAN, $2,500 in DUNDEE), and after a week of awkward interactions with elitist yuppies, they fall in love, nearly break up due to a misunderstanding, and then get back together, cemented by a grand romantic gesture on the part of the New York professional.


 
 

But wait, there's more:  here are the TOP 3 INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC SIMILARITIES BETWEEN PRETTY WOMAN AND CROCODILE DUNDEE ASIDE FROM THE PLOT, THE CHARACTERS, AND EVERYTHING ELSE I ALREADY DESCRIBED:

#3.  While put up in a fancy hotel by the New York professional, the charming-yet-seedy underdogs both see fit to watch reruns of I LOVE LUCY.

 
 

#2.  Then, the charming-yet-seedy underdog takes a luxurious bubble bath, and sings aloud, only to be discovered by their New York professional who finds the behavior to be extraordinarily endearing.

#1.  Finally, and most incredibly, both films present a pair of friendly streetwalkers who

 (nevermind that it's a bit part in DUNDEE and our main characters in PRETTY WOMAN)

lead us to an alleyway confrontation with low-level pimps


I really want you to take note of the skateboard switchblade.... which might I add is not a knife, because THAT is a knife.

that ends with our hero being rescued by his chaffeur/sidekick.

Reginald VelJohnson in DUNDEE.

 

 R. Darrell Hunter in PRETTY WOMAN.

That's what I call pretty fuckin' specific.  Therefore, I believe my case is closed, and from this point forward, instead of referring to PRETTY WOMAN as "a benchmark for 90's romantic comedy," "the Julie Roberts sex worker movie," or "obligatory date night viewing," we can now refer to it by its proper title:  "the American remake of CROCODILE DUNDEE."

"Trimming Your Human" in the Blue Monday Review

My latest short story (a melancholy science fiction piece entitled "Trimming Your Human") may be found in Issue #3 of the Blue Monday Review, a literary journal dedicated to the spirit of Kurt Vonnegut.  It is available for purchase in print and ebook editions.

Only now does it occur to me... EDTV

Only now does it occur to me...  that in the 90s, they totally made a prequel to TRUE DETECTIVE.

It features Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey as two men with a volatile love-hate relationship who spend a great deal of time speaking in front of video cameras; furthermore, Harrelson plays a philanderer, and McConaughey ends up sleeping with Harrelson's girlfriend.  Now whaddya think about that?  Methinks Nic Pizzolatto was taking notes!

Half-kidding aside, this film sorta feels like THE TRUMAN SHOW reimagined as a corporate 90s romantic comedy, but it has a few inspired casting choices– including Martin Landau as McConaughey's stepdad, Adam Goldberg (in what feels like a DAZED AND CONFUSED crossover) as his old pal, and Dennis Hopper as his long lost biological dad.

Perhaps this can be metaphorically applied to TRUE DETECTIVE:  Landau is the Gothic window dressing, but Hopper is the true, secret, Lynchian father figure?

And Clint Howard's in there, too, because this is a Ron Howard movie and it just wouldn't be right otherwise.

I must also give special mention to McConaughey's Houston Oilers-beer-cozy-necklace:

which is pretty wonderful, but, to be clear, I am not recommending this movie.  Carry on.

An Evening of Uncanny Cinema, September 17th

On September 17th at 8:00 p.m. at the Wild Project (195 E. 3rd Street, Manhattan), I and downtown luminary Eric Schmalenberger have curated "An Evening of Uncanny Cinema," featuring "surreal short films and macabre video art, from cutting-edge New York filmmakers… dark humor, radio hour recreations, bizarre medical misshapes, time travel, champagne, and loads of surprises await."

The evening will feature a few of my films (The Everlasting Vintage, Makin' a Martini, Escape from Staten Island), and those of other brilliant filmmakers, including Rob Roth (Junkie Doctors), Todd Downing & Joe Frank ("Eleanor" from Estranged); Cale Hughes, Robyn Nielsen, Shaun Seneviratne, & Ryan Garretson (Seek Harbor); and Brett Glass & Grier Dill (Brood X).  Tickets are $10 and are available online, or at the door the day of the show.

Only now does it occur to me... BOYZ IN THE HOOD

Only now does it occur to me... that John Singleton loosely patterns BOYZ IN THE HOOD's prologue and epilogue after the seminal Stephen King adaptation STAND BY ME, and at one point even includes a direct reference, with four young boys walking along railroad tracks to see a dead body.

 

Of course, the walk to find a dead body in 1984 South Central is considerably shorter than in 1959 Castle Rock, and Singleton draws a bit of tragic poetry from the comparison. 

Film Review: CORVETTE SUMMER (1978, Matthew Robbins)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 105 minutes.

Tag-line: "Mark Hamill who you loved in STAR WARS... Annie Potts who you'll never forget!"

Notable Cast or Crew:   Directed by Matthew Robbins (THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN, DRAGONSLAYER).  Written by Robbins and Hal Barwood (THE SUGARLAND EXPRESS, the video game INDIANA JONES AND THE FATE OF ATLANTIS).  Starring Mark Hamill (STAR WARS, BODY BAGS), Annie Potts (GHOSTBUSTERS, FLATBED ANNIE AND SWEETIEPIE), Eugene Roche (SLAUGHTER-HOUSE FIVE, FOUL PLAY), Danny Bonaduce (THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY), Brion James (BLADE RUNNER, THE FIFTH ELEMENT), T.K. Carter (THE THING, RUNAWAY TRAIN), Dick Miller (CANNONBALL!, GREMLINS).  Music by Craig Safan (CHEERS, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER).

Best One-liner:  "I DIDN'T WANT NO COKES!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

–"What are we lookin' at here?"
"CORVETTE SUMMER."
–"Ugh.  Teenybopper trash.  A watered-down coming of age tale.  Luke Skywalker, reduced to an unwitting shill for Tiger Beat magazine.  No, thank you."

Note: disco ball font.

"Have you seen the movie?"
–"I don't need to see it, cause I already know what it is."
"Do you?  Do you really?"
–"I'm sure you're going to tell me, so why don't you just go ahead and get it over with."
"Here goes:  it might have seemed like fluff at the time, but CORVETTE SUMMER is a teen sex/car comedy packed with surprisingly potent life lessons.  It's got an off-the-chain young Mark Hamill performance that skates wildly between Brando-esque Angry Young Man and Lorenzo Lamas-esque unintentional hilarity."
–"'Potent life lessons?'  Surely you jest."
"Well it's the story of a D-average high school student (Hamill) whose only passion in life is cars.  He devotes his senior year to the auto shop, building and perfecting a candy apple red metal flake Corvette Stingray glitter-flame Dragon Wagon!"

–"That's a mouthful.  And holy cow, wouldja look at that thing!"
"Exactly.  You've seen Luke Skywalker tool around in a landspeeder before, but I'm guessing you've never seen anything like this!"
–"You may have won me over.  I could probably watch that car for 105 minutes."
"Just you wait.  Events take a turn for the dramatic when Danny Bonaduce takes it out to a fast food joint to grab some Cokes and it's stolen."
–"WHAAAT?!"

"He just went out for some Cokes in a top hat and left the car unattended on the side of the road, even though there was a drive-thru.  It could happen to anybody."
–"How does Hamill take it?"
"Not well.  He starts getting that crazy, conflicted look in his eye, like Al Pacino does in THE GODFATHER right before he guns down Sterling Hayden and the other guy in that Italian restaurant.

Then he lets the beast out:

'I DIDN'T WANT NO COKES!'

and leaps onto Bonaduce!  Cokes go flying everywhere!  It's brutal.  A well-deserved beat-down ensues."

–"That looks intense!"
"It is.  Now he's got nothin' to live for except that car.  And like Pee-Wee Herman in PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, he begins to hunt down the vehicle-of-his-affections with dogged and unwavering intensity.

'ATTICA!  ATTICA!!'  (Whoops, wrong movie.)

It's something to behold.  I mean, sure, he spends parts of the movie lookin' like a prettyboy and blowing his own wind-tousled hair with the aid of an air compressor:

but the other half of the time he's giving crazy-eye like the best of 'em, like Bolo Yeung in BLOODSPORT or Mel Gibson in LETHAL WEAPON or Brion James in almost anything.  I'll come back to this.

Anyway, he tracks the car all the way to Vegas and, broke and busted, has a chance encounter with career gambler Dick Miller who gives him his 'lucky $2 bill.'

Dick Miller's only in this thing for a few minutes, but he plays it with crusty élan, like a man who'd gamble on anything if he was bored enough.  He could definitely be a character in Altman's CALIFORNIA SPLIT or anything by Bukowski.
So after getting a head-start on the car hunt, Hamill embarks on a series of shitty jobs to support himself and has a romance with aspirant van-based hooker Annie Potts."
–"Whu-whu--whutttttt?!"

"Yeah.  She's got this amazing, sleazy-chic disco van with a waterbed in the back, where she says things like 'how do you like that ocean motion' and can be found after hours making cocktails in her mouth.

Sips of Sunny-D alternated with sips of a bottom-shelf vodka whose name you can't pronounce= the only kind of Screwdriver you're gonna get in the back of Annie Potts' sleazy-chic disco van.

Eventually, Hamill loses his virginity, resulting in mania:

and dazed melancholy:

–"Luke Skywalker gettin' laid.  Ohhh yah."
"Shut it.  So he's working at a shitty car wash with THE THING's T.K. Carter:

when he sees none other than Brion James (most widely known for telling Harrison Ford 'Wake up, time to die' in BLADE RUNNER)

driving his beloved, stolen Stingray.  After cruelly taunting him with the line 'Bye-bye little buddy,' James peels out, leaving Hamill fuming."
–"What's a poor Hamill to do?"
"This is where it gets amazing.  He hides behind a mailbox and ambushes an unassuming cyclist:

forcing a collision that easily could have resulted in paralysis for either party:


Then he steals the poor sap's bike and takes after Brion James."
–"What chance does a bicycle have against a Stingray?"
"Not much at all.  That is, unless the cyclist is using The Force."


–"You gotta be shittin' me."
"Indeed I am not.  And this happens only partway through the film.  I don't want to give too much away, but there's totally a portion of the movie when Luke– I mean Mark Hamill– turns to The Dark Side."

–"Wow, that's exactly what a 'Dark Jedi in a Shopping Montage' should look like."
"Yeah, and I haven't even touched on Dark Side Hamill objectifying Annie Potts when her character's at her most vulnerable."

–"Now you're starting to ruin my childhood, pal!"
"Well, in closing I'll say this: CORVETTE SUMMER isn't your typical teen sex comedy, not by a long shot.  Hamill's character has an absentee father (and even his surrogate father figure betrays him), a possible prostitute mother (further complicating his relationship with sex worker Potts) who doesn't care a whit about him, and his 'whacky summer' is beset by shitty jobs, grifter schemes, apathy, violence, and injustice. Potts' character is at one point beaten by potential johns, and throughout undergoes the ups and downs of being valued as a human being and then as a sexual commodity.  It's a true blue-collar teen movie, which is to say, it's about a crooked world full of disappointment, crushing disappointment."
–"Now I'm just depressed."
"Well, there's a lot of fun stuff in there, too.  CORVETTE SUMMER refuses to be defined by a single mood or sensation.  Not unlike real life."
–"Deep, man."
"Yup."

–Sean Gill