Film Review: REINDEER GAMES (2000, John Frankenheimer)

Reindeer Games: Way more than zero.
Running Time: 124 minutes (Director's Cut).
Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by John Frankenheimer (THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, 52 PICK-UP, SECONDS). Written by Ehren Kruger (TRANSFORMERS 2-4, SCREAM 3, THE RING '02). Starring Ben Affleck (MALLRATS, GIGLI), Charlize Theron (MAD MAX: FURY ROAD, CHILDREN OF THE CORN III), Gary Sinise (FORREST GUMP, THE QUICK AND THE DEAD), Clarence Williams III (52 PICK-UP, TWIN PEAKS, PURPLE RAIN), Donal Logue (ER, GLAM, RUNAWAY TRAIN), James Frain (WHERE THE HEART IS, TRUE BLOOD), Isaac Hayes (ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, TRUCK TURNER), Dennis Farina (CRIME STORY, MIDNIGHT RUN), Ron Jeremy (THE BOONDOCK SAINTS, DETROIT ROCK CITY). Music by Alan Silvestri (BACK TO THE FUTURE, PREDATOR).
Tag-line: "The trap is set. The game is on."
Best one-liner: "When I get in there you better be wearing nothing but a candy cane!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"It's been a while."
–"Indeed it has."
"What's the deal? Too good to watch a trashterpiece with your old pal?"
–"Well, that's just why I'm here. To wish you a happy holiday... with REINDEER GAMES."
"Dear Lord. Isn't that bottom-of-the-barrel Frankenheimer? He did THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE and SECONDS, for chrissakes. He did THE TRAIN. SEVEN DAYS IN MAY. THE ICEMAN COMETH. How far the mighty fall."
–"I like to think it transcends the barrel. I mean, it's structure is sort of like a Coen Brothers flick in search of a consistent tone. And with a lot of holiday-themed one-liners.

In theory, it's FARGO meets POINT BREAK. In practice, it seems like a slow exercise in torturing Academy Award-winning actors."
"What's it about?"
–"Okay. Hold on to your Santa hat: Ben Affleck plays convicted car thief 'Rudy.' As in Rudolph. As in 'the red-nosed reindeer.' James Frain plays convicted manslaughterer 'Nick.' As in 'Old Saint.'"
"Clever."
–"Quite. So Nick has a pen-pal girlfriend, whom he's never met, played by Charlize Theron."
"Er... what?"
–"The love letters were really compelling, I guess. Anyway, Nick and Rudy are about to be released from prison, but Nick is shivved to death during a prison riot."
"What incites the riot?"
–"Isaac Hayes finds a cockroach in his JELL-O, it's not important."

"Huh?"
–"Just go with it. So Rudy gets released from prison and immediately impersonates Nick so he can sleep with Charlize Theron. It's super creepy, perhaps especially so because of Affleck's perpetual frat boy leer."



"Okay. He's the hero of this piece?"
–"I'm getting to that. So Rudy-fleck thinks he's about to have a quiet Christmas with Charlize when  her brother 'Monster,' played by Gary Sinise, bursts in with his gang of gun-running truckers."

"This is a trucker movie?"
–"Sort of. So Nick used to work at a casino, and Gary Sinise wants to use his expertise to rob it. Rudy-fleck has been impersonating Nick, so he finds himself in a dangerous pickle. It's the kind of noir-ish set-up that could be really effective with a schlub or a sad sack at its center, but with Affleck doing his best impersonation of a bullying rich kid (in an '80s movie about a scrappy team of underdogs), you simply find yourself rooting for Gary Sinise. In fact, the whole movie plays better if you imagine it's a sequel to FORREST GUMP, set after Forrest and Lieutenant Dan had a falling out and the latter turned to crime.

The fact that his gang includes the masterful character actor Clarence Williams III and an unusually soulful performance by perpetual heavy Danny Trejo only makes your root for them more."

"Is Danny Trejo reading BUSINESS WEEK?"
–"There's a subplot about how he's going to night school. Don't worry about it. Can I also draw attention to the fact that 'Don't play no reindeer games with me' is one of my all-time favorite lines of dialogue in a motion picture?"

"I think Gary Sinise is actively upset that he has to say that."
–"He sure is. It's far from the only indignity visited upon a member of this cast. Sinise must refer to the sex act as 'getting down her chimney.'

Clarence Williams III has a whole bit about how he loves Christmas cookies:

Former cop and lovable performer Dennis Farina has a monologue about 'S-N-O-fuckin-W, snow!'"

"They really went all in, didn't they?"
–"It ain't DIE HARD, though. Or even BATMAN AND ROBIN.

The good news, however, is that REINDEER GAMES does deliver something in the way of a Christmas present: for those audience members whose greatest wish was to see Affleck have his ass handed to him in a variety of absurd scenarios, it's an embarrassment of riches.

Perhaps none of these scenarios are greater than the following, where Gary Sinise critiques Affleck's value as a scene partner (with a handful of darts).

Apparently, this scene was judged by the MPAA as too intense for an R rating, and therefore only appears in the Director's Cut. I would wager that it's no more damaging than anything in ALF'S SPECIAL CHRISTMAS."

"That's some sad shit, there. The ALF Christmas Special, I mean."

–"See, Charlize Theron, you feel bad for.  Whereas, Affleck inspires some primo schadenfreude. But there is something specifically magical about watching Gary Sinise wage war against dignity. The man deserves an award."

"Is that a De Palma shot?"
–"Sure is. Also, note the '90s double-loop earring on Sinise. It's a nice complement to his existential disappointment. Though he seems to cheer up a little after he and Clarence Williams III get to double-team the following one-liner:

'Tis the season, convict...'

'Ho, ho, ho.'"

"Ho, oh no! Sort of a tragic Christmas tale, then?"
–"Well, I did notice in one scene that there's a STREET FIGHTER II pinball machine in the background.

So maybe they got to play with that between takes of flinging darts at Ben Affleck."
"That's nice. Any benediction for us? A Merry Christmas and a happy New Year?"
–"I think this should suffice.

Happy holidays!"

Only now does it occur to me... THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER (2005)

Only now does it occur to me... hot, sweet hell––there exists a movie, cast with "professional" actors, some whom I personally adore, some Oscar-nominated (I'm looking at you, Dennis Hopper), and some who have starred on their own television series. And of them all, the most consistently solid performance might belong to... Tara Reid!

Seen here quoting Shakespeare...


...and making it her own.

She even gets to "Lady M" it for a spell:
 
Out, out damned spot

Holy cow, this thing is a mess. I'm christening it the first "Hot Topic Western." The general pace is like Oliver Stone had a seizure while directing a lesser FROM DUSK TILL DAWN sequel. The mise-en-scéne is like Rob Zombie's Satanic love child with the worst episodes of ANGEL. I swear it has more tangible connections to xXx than THE CROW, and it's supposed to be a sequel to THE CROW.

And that ANGEL reference isn't out of left field: this thing has David Boreanaz in full "Angelus" mode, wearing mesh shirts he must've stolen from Bruce Willis in THE FIFTH ELEMENT.

Like some BUFFY/ANGEL fans, I have a kind of love/hate relationship with David Boring-anz (as I occasionally refer to him). He's serviceable as the stoic, mostly emotionless Angel (and as the puppet version)––but when he goes into "psycho vamp" mode and becomes "Angelus," he's acting beyond the limits of his wheelhouse and can't quite pull it off. But I kind of like that, too, because there's certainly a kitsch value to it.

I like it in a slightly different sense than Tara Reid "likes" his offensive Native American headband, is what I'm saying.

Boreanaz is the film's villain, a.k.a "Luc Crash," a.k.a "Death," a.k.a. "Satan."

Here's the whole macabre outfit. Note: pleather pants and Satanic belt buckle.

Because he yearns to be Satan (and does, indeed, eventually become him), he has a biker gang named after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that he exclusively feeds with "Devil"-themed food.

I obviously approve of this, wholeheartedly.

Elsewhere, we have Danny Trejo as a kind-hearted preacherman (this only adds to the lesser-DUSK TILL DAWN sequel vibe):

Danny Trejo––not playing a criminal for once!

Marcus Chong (a.k.a. "Tank" from THE MATRIX) as "War," one of Boreanaz's horse/henchmen,

who, dressed in a red jumpsuit and strapped with dynamite, really reminded me of those annoying, dynamite-slinging enemies from the legendary arcade game FINAL FIGHT:

Dennis Hopper as "El Niño," a Satanic High Priest who calls everybody "homey" for no discernible reason and has Macy Gray as one of his henchwomen:

And finally Edward Furlong as local loser "Jimmy Cuervo" who is transformed by death into the revenge-seeking "The Crow,"

whereupon he wields a baseball bat like a lightsaber

and delivers wicked but unconvincing one-liners such as:

Ohhhhh yeah.

This movie is so perfectly awkward, absurdly incomprehensible, and nigh unwatchable, that we require a bad comedy cliché as our exit strategy. Who will step forward and deliver said cliché?

There we go.  My feelings exactly, Boreanaz!

Only now does it occur to me... FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3: THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER

Only now does it occur to me... that FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3: THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER is the finest Ambrose Bierce fan fiction ever made.

The second straight-to-video sequel to Tarantino and Rodriguez's hardboiled vampire flick FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER is a period piece, set in in 1913.  Essentially, it follows the structure of the original: a Western/crime drama which makes a sudden turn into horror territory around the one hour mark.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY was not without its high points, but part three outdoes it on nearly every count––primarily, in concept. 

Ambrose Bierce (THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY, AN OCCURRENCE AT OWL CREEK BRIDGE, THE DAMNED THING) was one of America's finest satirists, a witty, wayward, and delightfully bitter man whose attitude was somewhere between Jonathan Swift's and Robert Mitchum's.  "Nothing matters" was his motto, and, at seventy-one, rather than suffer the sins of geriatric boredom, traveled south into Mexico with the intention of joining the Revolution.  He was never seen again... 

"...Or was he?"  So supposes FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3: THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER, which delivers the masterstroke of casting the inimitable Michael Parks (DEATH WISH 5, TWIN PEAKS, THE HITMAN, KILL BILL) as Mr. Bierce.


Parks delivers an understated performance that strives for poetry; he imbues the film with a haunting sense of élan vital.  And yes, I'm still talking about a straight-to-video vampire flick.  Remember, this is the actor who can make "waiting around and drinking coffee in a car" rife with pathos (in THE HITMAN).

Written by Robert Rodriguez's cousin Álvaro (and based on a story by the two cousins), THE HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER places a drunken and detached Bierce amid a sea of outlaws, missionaries, lawmen, revolutionaries, and Aztec vampires, where he can quote one-liners from THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY and generally not care a damn.

This is about as brilliant as having Oscar Wilde become Paladin's sidekick in a particularly memorable episode of HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL.

Director P.J. Pesce, long imprisoned by television and straight-to-DVD sequels (THE LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE, SMOKIN' ACES 2: ASSASSIN'S BALL, SNIPER 3) brings a genuine style to the proceedings; you see the talent and joie de vivre of a young director excited to be playing with the medium––this is not a man phoning it in, and boy, that makes a difference.

True to the Tarantino/Rodriguez oeuvre, it's packed with loving homages to everything from THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY to FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE to TAXI DRIVER, and composer Nathan Barr even turns in a borderline brilliant score, heavily inspired by Ennio Morricone by-way-of John Zorn.

Also of note: Danny Trejo is still tendin' bar eighty years prior (he has about three minutes of screentime),

Though he says, "We don't need no stinking brushes!" in perhaps the saddest nod to THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE ever made.

Sonia Braga (KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN) has a blast as the Elvira-ish innkeeper/madame (and mother of Salma Hayek's character from the first film),

and Temuera Morrison (ONCE WERE WARRIORS, Boba Fett's dad in the STAR WARS prequels), is the titular "Hangman" and he gives it his all in a sort of an "evil Yul Brynner" performance.

More "bizarro MAGNIFICENT SEVEN" than WESTWORLD.

Sure, there's plenty of bad CGI, and I would never call it a masterpiece, but the act of shoehorning a literary figure into a bargain bin horror flick and then hiring an actor capable of embodying said figure is something of an artistic coup, and it's why FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3 ought to outlive its intended shelf-life.
 
Here's to you, Mr. Bierce... and Mr. Parks.

PS: And if you check it out, stay tuned after the end credits for a mildly amusing, meta scene involving the singular Mr. Parks.

Film Review: XXX (2002, Rob Cohen)

Stars: XXX of 5.
Running Time: 124 minutes.

Tag-line: "A New Breed of Secret Agent."

Notable Cast or Crew: Starring Vin Diesel (SAVING PRIVATE RYAN, PITCH BLACK), Asia Argento (LAND OF THE DEAD, TRAUMA), Marton Csokas (THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS), Samuel L. Jackson (PULP FICTION, UNBREAKABLE), Danny Trejo (DESPERADO, MACHETE), Thomas Ian Griffith (VAMPIRES, BEHIND ENEMY LINES), Eve (BARBERSHOP, THE WOODSMAN), and Tony Hawk.  Music by Randy Edelman (KINDERGARTEN COP, GHOSTBUSTERS II).  A soundtrack featuring Rammstein, Drowning Pool, Hatebreed, Joi, Flaw, Orbital, Mushroomhead, N.E.R.D., and other 90s bands you may have forgotten.

Best One-liner:  "Welcome to the Xander Zone."

The bastard child of James Bond and the X-treme sports fad, I had long avoided XXX, largely because it was not made during the 1980s, the golden period of cheesy action.  How foolish I was!  For a movie named after Vin Diesel's (fictional) tattoo and featuring a gang of villains named Anarchy 99, it is surprisingly palatable.

 I have no idea if I would have liked this as much if I'd seen it when it came out in 2002, but XXX has aged like a fine wine.  Or at least like a wine in comic strip that's served in a bottle marked "XXX."

From the director of THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR, DRAGONHEART, and DRAGON: THE BRUCE LEE STORY (Rob Cohen, the man who directs movies with the word 'Dragon' in the title more often than any comparable director), XXX is a spectacular undercover glimpse into the exclusive world of Eurotrash rave culture and high-level secret government operations.  Here are eight things I liked about it:

#1.  Asia Argento.

Cult, horror, and Italo-trash legend, she's essentially why I decided to watch this in the first place.  And yet this was her first foray into a major Hollywood film.  Why 2002?  Why XXX?  I figured it out: it's not that Asia had to wait around for Hollywood to find a trashy role; Hollywood had to wait until Asia decided they'd come up with a movie trashy enough to meet her rigorous trash standards.

Here she is, pretending to dance, on all the drugs.

Throughout, she maintains a consistency of performance, even (especially?) when her scene partner is the impressively wooden and hilariously flat Vin Diesel.

Don't scowl, Asia––he's still better than most of the cast of DRACULA 3D.

She's technically the "Bond girl," but in a movie this trashy, I say she's the star.


#2.  I mean, the opening scene is a Rammstein concert in a Euro-cathedral, where a man is assassinated and then crowd-surfed amid gouts of flame and other pyrotechnics.


They shot James Bond?

Later, there are more raves and tesla coils and techno music.

This picture could not exist without the subtitle "Techno Music Playing."

And cranberry club sodas.

Er, what––

#3.  Let's take a moment to talk about Vin Diesel and that wondrous jacket, shall we?

Yes, that furry-collared jacket (complete with a stylishly gaudy medallion) appears in roughly an entire third of the film, which leads me to believe they thought it was quite the trendy fashion statement.  It's nearly as great as Kramer's in that one SEINFELD episode where he's mistaken for a pimp.

Highest marks.  But who is Vin Diesel's Xander "xXx" Cage?"  Who is he really?  What makes him tick, besides cranberry sodas and furry collars and stilted line readings?

#4.  xXx is a crusading everyman.  He talks straight into little video cameras (addressing the nation?) and makes confessional rants about "The Man" and video games and explicit song lyrics.   He is an iconoclast, a man of letters, a philosopher.

But when it comes to solving problems, where Plato used the Socratic method, xXx uses... X-treme sports.  In fact, you could say that is the main thrust of the film is the use of X-treme sports to solve matters of international diplomacy and intrigue.

Whether it's X-treme Dirtbiking:

Thank God there happened to be an offroad crotchrocket lying around.

X-treme Rockclimbing:

"Get a grip!"

X-treme Para-snowboarding:


X-treme Regular Snowboarding:

"Nothing like fresh powder!" –an actual line in this sequence

X-treme Para-sailing:


And, my personal favorite, X-Treme Silver Platter:

which leads to X-Treme Silver Platter-Skateboarding:

Pictured: a typical European street scene.

And yet all of these personality traits make the following even more satisfying (albeit briefly):


#4.  Danny Trejo, with a machete, torturing Vin Diesel.

This is the sort of thing that's worth the price of admission, even if it only lasts for two minutes.  And look at Danny Trejo, boldly transitioning from "Prisoner" to "Guy with Machete."  But, oh, he does it well.


#5.  Potato Explosion!  This is the best potato-related car chase sequence explosion since the one in PET SEMATARY TWO.



"Now that's what I call a 'tater crater.'"  –not my proudest moment


#6.  Facial-scarred Sam Jackson phoning in––nay, mailing in––a performance as the 'M' of this universe, comparing Mr. Diesel to a snake


Technically, in this context, said 'snake' would be on a plane––and four years before they made the movie!

and delivering a hearty (and self-referential?) slow clap when Vin Diesel does what he didn't in PULP FICTION––kick the asses of some stick-up artists in a retro diner:

Not quite as good as the slow clap in ROCKY IV.

#7.  And continuing with the James Bond analogy, there's also a 'Q' scene, with all the requisite gadgets.  Though, when Vin Diesel tries out the X-ray binoculars,

it bears mentioning that he briefly becomes XXX: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES.

#8.  The Xander Zone.

I think this is a good note to end on.  Amen.

–Sean Gill