Film Review: 1990- THE BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)

Stars: 5 of 5. Running Time: 97 minutes. Tag-line: "In the year 1990, the Bronx is officially declared No Man's Land. The authorities give up all attempts to restore law and order. From then on, the area is ruled by the Riders." Notable Cast or Crew: Mark Gregory (THUNDER, JUST A DAMNED SOLDIER), Fred Williamson (INGLORIOUS BASTARDS, VIGILANTE), Vic Morrow (BLACKBOARD JUNGLE, THE LAST SHARK), Christopher Connelly (BENJI, MANHATTAN BABY), Joshua Sinclair (KEOMA, THE LAST SHARK), Ennio Girolami (TENEBRE, LIGHT BLAST), Stefania Girolami Goodwin (Castellari's daughter- also in HEROIN BUSTERS, SINBAD OF THE SEVEN SEAS), George Eastman (BLASTFIGHTER, THE NEW BARBARIANS). Music by Walter Rizzati (HOUSE BY THE CEMETARY, THUNDER 2). Cinematography by Sergio Salvati (CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, GHOULIES II, CONTRABAND). Best one-liner: "You fuck! It could be a pile of shit out of someone's asshole!" 

 

 Somebody lends Italy their copy of THE WARRIORS, and this is what happens. 

 

Now 1990 was a rough time to be in the Bronx. There was this guy, Trash, who led the toughest gang. 

 

Everybody knew they were the toughest because whenever they parked their motorcycles, they did it in a 'W' formation.

  

Trash looked like he'd be more at home go-go dancing in a club cage, and his jeans were so tight you could see his asscrack through them, but he was the toughest. Then "the richest girl in the world" wandered uptown, shacked up with Trash, and a major shitstorm broke loose. That's the main drive of this movie, but that's not why you're watching it. You're watching it for spit-take inducing lines like "Just keep talkin' f*gface, and I'll tear your fockin' lid off!" or "The bird has flown the coop, and Little Red Riding Hood was caught by the big bad seven dwarves." Let those sink in for a minute. I love this movie. I love that a gang member plays a drum solo on the banks of the East River for ten minutes while every member of a 50 man brigade gets his own reaction shot. 

 

I love that there's a CABARET inspired tap-dancing gang, complete with swords, metal derbies, and synchronized fight choreography.

  

I love that the SWAT van is clearly a re-painted Mr. Softee truck. I love that in the funeral scene, everyone throws a handful of ashes into the East River, which immediately blow back into their faces, and they didn't redo the shot. I love that all the views of Manhattan clearly reveal that this was filmed on Roosevelt Island. I love that funky soundtrack, full o' big bouncy basses and reverb-heavy high-hat action. I love all the odd references to gray matter, reflecting idioms that don't exist in English ("Would you mind asking Blade to put his gray matter in motion?", "You gotta be kiddin'––you got your gray matter in your butt!"). I love insults like "Pisshead!" and character names like 'Hot Dog' and 'Witch.' I love that there's a character named 'The Hammer' NOT played by Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson. 

 

The Hammer plays The Ogre. 

This is about as good as it gets, ladies and gentlemen. To reveal too much more would be a sin. And be sure check out the sequel (with Henry Silva!), ESCAPE FROM THE BRONX. Five skull-glowin', roller-skatin', high-hattin' stars (in a 'W' formation).

 -Sean Gill 

 

 

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series 

 1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman) 

 

2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)  

 

3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

 

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce) 

7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow) 

8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau) 

9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price) 

10. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997, Clint Eastwood) 

11. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari) 

12. ...

Film Review: THE LAST SHARK (1981, Enzo G. Castellari)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 88 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Vic Morrow (Jennifer Jason Leigh's dad, 1990: BRONX WARRIORS, THE TWILIGHT ZONE MOVIE), James Franciscus (Dario Argento's THE CAT O' NINE TAILS), De Angelis (they did the music for a ton of third-rate Spaghettis, and a lot of Enzo Castellari movies like KEOMA and THE BIG RACKET).
Tag-lines: " A quiet, restful summer in the lazy coastal town of Port Harbor is abruptly about to end."
Best one-liner(s): See review!

Wow. Where do I begin? Enzo G. Castellari is one of the lesser known Italian genre directors of the 70's and 80's. Expect that to change, at least somewhat, when Tarantino rolls out his reimagining of Castellari's INGLORIOUS BASTARDS (1978) this summer. Castellari is not on par with Mario Bava or Dario Argento, but he's totally on par with Lucio Fulci or Lamberto Bava, and is definitely better than the likes of Bruno Mattei or Michele Soavi, all of whom are probably better known than Castellari. Castellari specialized in COMPLETE rip-offs. Rip-offs, of course, re-routed and re-wired through his ridiculous Italian brain. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS is THE WARRIORS meets ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK in a dingy Italian gay bar. INGLORIOUS BASTARDS is THE DIRTY DOZEN, but sleazier. And THE LAST SHARK is JAWS... if JAWS was a nonsensical Castellari-directed giallo. All that's missing is the shark wearing black gloves and frantically whispering. And so I feel that THE LAST SHARK got its start on one balmy Italian night- Enzo probably just got back from the movies, where he had watched JAWS. He draws a bath, lights some candles, and gets in the tub. While in the tub, he probably drinks an entire bottle of Campari. Then he starts playing with a piece of styrofoam and a toy boat, and THE LAST SHARK is born. But I can show you better than I can tell you. Here's a little taste:

Reaction shots? Check. An Italian woman screaming? Check. Italo Horror Disco? Check. Stock footage? Check. Ridiculous slo-mo? Check. Head-scratching character choices? Check and check. Lemme cut straight to the chase- 10 reasons why THE LAST SHARK is awesome and Enzo G. Castellari deserves our praise:

#10.

Cause this guy is clearly an American, old money, New England politician, and NOT an Italian.

#9.

Because it accurately depicts summer in New England. Confederate flags are waved around in celebration of America's favorite sport: Windjammin'.

That is, windsurfing whilst jammin' to sweet Italo Disco.

#8.

Because Vic Morrow doesn't overdo it.

#7.


Because the terror of shark victims and special effects of their demises are essential to building palpable atmosphere.

#6. Because Enzo stumbled upon the greatest blunder of JAWS and was able to correct it. Why waste all that time building up character and the threat the shark presents, when you can jump right to Quint (Robert Shaw)? THE LAST SHARK does it right, and we have Quint, I mean Vic Morrow, and his hunt for the shark at centerstage by the five-minute mark. (We needed the first five minutes for a windjammin' montage.)

#5. Because it contains the hard-hitting media critique frequently present in these kinds of movies. During a fatal shark attack, a sleazy TV producer says to his cameraman "Keep that camera rolling! You get some good shots of that shark and I'll buy you a lobster dinner!" And what do you suppose the odds are, that after the shark is defeated, the sleazy TV producer says to our surviving heroes "Is there anything you'd like to say on camera? What was it like defeating the shark?," and then our hero punches him out? Yeah. The odds of that happening are very high, because it does happen.

#4. One-liners that don't make sense. I don't think anything can beat 1990: BRONX WARRIORS in this category, but THE LAST SHARK comes close. Here's a few:

Faux-Quint's ultimatum at the town-hall meeting: "You have two choices. One. Get out of his way. The other is to hold your ground, with fire, and try to kill him, because you do not have another choice!"

The stuffy politician who wants to keep the beaches open for windjammin', no matter what: "No damn shark's gonna screw up a year of work and planning!"

"One thing's for sure- it wasn't a floating chainsaw!"

The out of town showboat: "Don't worry, it's just a fish." (He gets his later, of course.)

#3.


#2. So Enzo heard everybody was impressed by the 'Zombie versus Shark" scene in Lucio Fulci's ZOMBIE. How do you outdo "Zombie versus Shark?" Try "Shark versus Helicopter." I wish I could get a better picture of this, but it's purposefully obscured by the filmmakers so you don't notice it's a toy.


#1.

Because we learn what happens when a shark appears suddenly underneath a boat.

And then it all ends with some thoughtful, Eurotrash piano music. Bravo, Enzo!

-Sean Gill