Only now does it occur to me... EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY (1988)

Only now does it occur to me...  okay, bear with me here. As you may know, I derive great joy from analyzing/grasping at harebrained pop cultural narratives, rivalries, curiosities, and other ephemera. Today we'll be looking at "The Ground You Walk On" sequence from the classic 80's Sci-Fi/Comedy/Musical, EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY.

This song is of the classic "scorned lover" variety, as Geena Davis realizes that her doctor fiancé (Charles Rocket) has been cheating on her and proceeds to sing about it while she cartoonishly destroys his stuff. There's a lot of archetypal 1980s tasting notes here on display, from the "80s rule of pools" (if there is a pool present, a character will be pushed into it, flailing, in a zany comic moment)

 to a Pin Art executive toy being used to reenact "The Scream"

to the yuppie tableaux of using a golf club to smash a cologne shelf 

 

 and using a bowling ball (and a ramp made of skis––not a ski ramp!) to destroy a vintage PC.

But I'm digressing. None of this is why we are here. We're here for... Madonna.

First, I must note that EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY is co-written and co-starring "West Coast" Julie Brown, comedian, actress, and MTV personality. Madonna has always been one of Brown's favorite targets, culminating finally in the hour-long MEDUSA: DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL (1991), a vicious send-up of MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE (1991). This prompted a bitter Madonna to send Ms. Brown the vaguely head-scratching Spite Gift of a half-drunk bottle of champagne (sensationally characterized by some as Madonna "sending her own spit in a champagne bottle"). This, however, being 1988, predates that bitter little tête-à-tête. 

Anyway, in the aforementioned Geena Davis "scorned lover" song, Geena also destroys the record collection of her betrothed. This happens to include the soundtrack album to WHO'S THAT GIRL––the weird, 1987 screwball Madonna flop––the cover of which is emblazoned with Madonna's image. 

The film then takes a moment––a real, lived-in moment––to allow Geena Davis to luxuriate on a couch and hurl Madonna into a fire.

I'm no stranger to some gentle Madonna Mockery (see also: my reviews of BODY OF EVIDENCE and WHO'S THAT GIRL), and I think Geena flinging this particular record into the flames is pretty objectively magnificent. But was there any fallout from this incident? Would it still be on Madonna's mind four years later when she co-starred with Geena Davis in A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN?

It would be difficult to know the answer to that question unless we had a window of insight into Madonna's mind, which would be fairly difficult to gauge, considering her levels of image control––but then... there's this, a letter from Madonna to the fashion photographer Steven Meisel, written during principal photography for A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN. In short, she says:

"I cannot suffer any more than I have in the past month learning how to play baseball with a bunch of girls (yuk) in Chicago (double yuk) I have a tan, I am dirty all day and I hardly ever wear make-up. Penny Marshall is Lavern — Geena Davis is a Barbie doll and when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago. I have made a few friends but they are athletes, not actresses. I hate actresses."

Now, did Madonna choose to insult Geena Davis in this generally off-target way (apparently we all missed out on 'BEETLEJUICE' Barbie) because she was still sore about Geena flinging the WHO'S THAT GIRL soundtrack into a fiery hearth, even though said flinging was, I would wager, explicity written into Julie Brown's script? Ah, who can say. For her part, Geena seems to harbor no ill feelings in interviews, referring to Madonna as a "trouper." 

Perhaps a fitting benediction to all of this nonsense would be my favorite quote from a zebra-printed teenage tailgater in HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT: "Heavy metal rules, man!... Madonna can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. She's a dick!"

Film Review: TRUE CRIME (1999, Clint Eastwood)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 127 minutes.
Tag-line: "Clint Eastwood."
Notable Cast or Crew: Clint Eastwood, Isaiah Washington (DEAD PRESIDENTS, OUT OF SIGHT), James Woods, Denis Leary, Michael McKean (CLUE, THIS IS SPINAL TAP), Erik King (DEXTER, STREET SMART), Bernard Hill (THE TWO TOWERS, DROWNING BY NUMBERS), Lisa Gay Hamilton (THE PRACTICE, JACKIE BROWN), Lucy Liu (KILL BILL, PAYBACK), Michael Jeter (TALES OF THE CITY, JURASSIC PARK 3), Diane Venora (HEAT, A.D., THE COTTON CLUB), Sydney Poitier (DEATH PROOF), Marissa Ribisi (ENCINO WOMAN), Anthony Zerbe (COOL HAND LUKE, KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK).
Best one-liner: "I'll have a Virgin Mary... heavy on the Virgin."

TRUE CRIME kind of gets a bum rap. It didn't have the no-holds-barred pseudo-Fascist gunplay of DIRTY HARRY, the Oscar-bait pull of UNFORGIVEN, or the reflective artistic brilliance of WHITE HUNTER, BLACK HEART. It opened to mixed reviews and geriatric cheap shots, and was something of a bomb, too, earning back only $16 million of its $55 million budget. But I say: so what? I think we can all agree that this is no UNFORGIVEN. But I'm more than willing to settle for a well-acted mystery drama with all-around solid craftsmanship and Clint's 'Zen' touch. So here's ten reasons why TRUE CRIME is better than the conventional critical narrative would have you believe:

#1. James Woods. The consummate skeeze.

Every moment he's on screen, the proceedings feel like a lesser Mamet play. I only include the descriptor 'lesser' because the script was not, in fact, penned by Mamet. Utterances such as "Look, if he comes to me for your ass, I'm going to have to give it to him. Then you'll just be a hole, with no ass around it!" or "Stop fucking Bob's wife. He doesn't like it," may not be Pulitzer-worthy barbs, but, by God, they get the job done. Naturally, Woods brings it his all.

He even gets a 'SAY WHUTTT,' frozen-in-mid-candy-bar-bite moment that will, in all likelihood, blow your mind.


#2. Odd Lynchian touches. Now I've made the unlikely comparison between Eastwood and Lynch in a previous review, and I'm prepared to stand behind it. Here, examples include this mysterious, gradual tracking shot into the shattered, gaping maw of a broken windshield,

and later on, some slow-motion pounding and screaming on a glass barrier that borders on the abstract.

#3. Michael McKean in a serious role, as the prison's resident death row clergyman. It's not necessarily one of his most memorable performances, but it's a nice bit.


#4. Womanizing, philandering, "She looked eighteen to me," 68-year-old Clint.


'Nobody needs to see that,' some might complain. And maybe they're right. Maybe he was just coasting on that BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY high, and thought he'd drum up extra female viewers who wanted to see some Clint-cake (?!) on display.


YOWZA

He even tries to work his magic on shop clerk Lucy Liu:



Anyway, this sort of behavior leads to–

#5. This particular tortured look on Clint's face as his pissed-off, long-suffering wife slams the door in his face.


#6. Clint cleaning the pocket-sized J&B bottles out of his back seat before taking his daughter to the zoo.

And speaking of the Zoo:

#7. The Zoo Trip. Now the trip to the Zoo begins with Clint zestfully inquiring to his daughter "ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIG HIPPO?!," which is, without a doubt, the most macabre remark I've ever heard pass through Clint's lips. Regardless, they arrive at the Zoo, whereupon Clint realizes that the clock is ticking, and he must return to his time-sensitive investigation forthwith. Before you can say "Okay, Lets play speed zoo!," Clint is flying his kid down the thoroughfare in a cart traveling faster than a speeding bullet. But then–

Whoa-oa-oa–

WHOOOOOPS

And the horrified onlookers take judgmental note of Clint's subpar parenting skills-



– as Clint tries to salvage his dignity and his daughter's sullied jean-jacket. It's an incredible scene.

#8. Michael Jeter. He plays a sleazebag almost as often as James Woods, and with comparably potent results. Also: I've rarely seen him without a bowtie.


#9. The tremendous pathos of Isaiah Washington and Lisa Gay Hamilton. As the convicted killer (whose guilt Clint wishes to determine) and his wife, respectively, Washington and Hamilton's performances are the fulcrum on which this film pivots.

If you don't care about them, then, ostensibly, you don't care about the movie. Luckily for the movie, they pull it off.

#10. The critical exchange between Clint and Isaiah Washington, during which Clint becomes determined to go on his balls-to-the-wall truth-finding mission. Washington's character has less than twelve hours to an appointment with lethal injection. Eastwood's a larger-than-life, grizzled old hardass. Of course the scene is gonna be good. And Clint gets things off to a great start–


"Mister Beachum... Frankly I don't give a rat's ass about Jesus Christ and I don't care about justice in this world, or the next..."

It's a damned solid scene and a shining example of first-rate Clint, who- as GRAN TORINO continued to prove– refuses to embrace decrepitude and its byproducts. TRUE CRIME is not top-tier Eastwood, but it's a well-made film with some outstanding moments, and it proudly deserves to occupy a slot in Clint's oeuvre. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: USED CARS (1980, Robert Zemeckis)

Stars: 3.2 of 5.
Running Time: 113 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Kurt Russell, Jack Warden (12 ANGRY MEN, ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN), Gerrit Graham (TERRORVISION, RATBOY), Michael McKean (THIS IS SPINAL TAP, CLUE), David L. Lander (TWIN PEAKS SEASON 2), Dub Taylor (THE WILD BUNCH, MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON), Deborah Harmon (JUST THE TEN OF US), Woodrow Parfrey (CHARLEY VARRICK, DIRTY HARRY), Frank McRae (48 HRS., ROCKY II), Rita Taggart (HOUSE III: THE HORROR SHOW, MULHOLLAND DR.). Executive produced by John Milius and Steven Spielberg.
Tag-line: "Estimated Laugh Count: 287 City, 410 Highway. Use these numbers only for comparison. Your actual laughs may vary depending on how you feel about used car salesmen, nude women, spectacular car stunts, and the President of the United States."
Home Video Re-release Tag-line: "From the Director of FORREST GUMP."
Best one-liner: "Well, that's more like a down payment. After I'm elected its 50-50 on all the graft I take."
Number of laffs involving dogs pissing on dude's faces: 1

Directed by Robert Zemeckis (and produced by Steven Spielberg and John Milius!), USED CARS is the zany story of a zany used car dealership and its zany battle with a zany rival, which leads to a zany denouement. In short, it's frequently a little too zany for its own good.

Zany.

Thankfully, the infectious, chortling charisma of one smarmy, plaid-clad Mr. Kurt Russell keeps you watching even when the proceedings get a little too generic or groan-inducing.

Definitely in the same vein as something like D.C. CAB or 1941, predictable madcap insanity and endless hijinks ensue when two brothers' (both played by a convincing Jack Warden) rival car lots face off in the midst of Kurt's (who works for the nicer Warden) burgeoning state senate run. A gleeful, matter-of-fact depiction of graft and corruption (on the personal, state, and national levels) is one of the film's stronger suits- it doesn't poke fun at the fact that you can basically buy a state senate seat: that's just a casual fact of life in the film's (and our!) universe. And why not? In a world where dishonesty is rewarded and culpability shied away from, people'll grab a piece of the pie any way they can. The supporting cast is serviceable: LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY's Lenny and Squiggy (Michael McKean and David L. Lander) play mischievous A/V guys:

David L. Lander shows off the pacemaker he installed on Michael McKean.

Gerrit Graham plays Russell's superstitious right-hand man, and Dick Miller's even around for an obligatory cameo. Race, disco, Jimmy Carter, Iran, and the FCC are tackled, and one sequence seems to prophesy a certain impromptu half-time nudity that would occur some 20 years later. But it all comes back to Russell: cackling away, he's the epitome of lovable sleaze. From unsavory winks to glad-handing to hearty slaps on the back to various slapsticky antics, Russell shows himself to be a master of physical comedy.

And in a world of charlatans, Russell's one who you almost wouldn't mind being swindled by. Three stars.

-Sean Gill