Only now does it occur to me... JAWS 2

Only now does it occur to me...  that the beauty of seeing a monster shark suddenly and mercilessly eat a helicopter almost forgives JAWS 2's general inclination for pissing on the original.

Yeah, JAWS 2 is not a good movie.  And while it marks the return of Chief Brody's rockin' hotpants,

the contractually obligated Roy Scheider crabbily sleepwalks his way through a movie that's nearly as soulless as a shark's black, beady eyes.

You look down in he dumps, Roy.  Smile, you sonofabitch!

There are a few things to like, including an early Keith Gordon (CHRISTINE, ALL THAT JAZZ) performance and a nice John Williams score, but on the whole, with its lowered stakes, bland atmosphere, and lack of compelling characters (who we can really sink our teeth into), JAWS 2 begins to resemble a lesser slasher film– a series of aimless attacks on screaming victims– an effect that is amplified by the "disfigured killer," a shark puppet with a burned face doing a proto-Freddy Krueger impersonation.

Anchors aweigh... bitch!

So there you have it. 

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4.  EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002, Ellory Elkayem)

5.  MASTERS OF HORROR: WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM (2007, Tom Holland)

6.  STEPHEN KING ON SONS OF ANARCHY (2010, Bill Gierhart)

7.  THE INITIATION (1984, Larry Stewart)
8.  MUTANTS (2008, Amir Valinia)
9. ...

Film Review: CHRISTINE (1983, John Carpenter)

Stars: 4.5 of 5.
Running Time: 110 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Keith Gordon (THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN, DRESSED TO KILL, director of THE CHOCOLATE WAR, WAKING THE DEAD), John Stockwell (MY SCIENCE PROJECT, TOP GUN), Harry Dean Stanton (PARIS TEXAS, WILD AT HEART), Alexandra Paul (BAYWATCH, DRAGNET '87), Robert Prosky (GREMLINS 2, LAST ACTION HERO), Kelly Preston (JERRY MAGUIRE, TWINS), Roberts Blossom (CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND, FLASHPOINT). Original music by John Carpenter and Alan Howarth. Special effects supervised by Roy Arbogast (RETURN OF THE JEDI, THEY LIVE, JAWS 2). Stunt coordinated by Terry Leonard (CONAN THE BARBARIAN, COBRA). Written by Bill Phillips (FIRE WITH FIRE, EL DIABLO), and based on the novel by Stephen King.
Tag-line: "Seductive. Passionate. Possessive. Say hello to Christine...Your Girlfriend, The Car."
Best one-liner: "No shitter ever came between me and Christine!"

I didn't like CHRISTINE very much the first time I saw it. I think I expected either mind-blowing gore and stomach-churning tension á la THE THING or balls-out fun and Americana smart-alecks á la BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and so I was left a little disappointed. However, I've found that my appreciation for it increases exponentially with each viewing, and now I'd have no problem whatsoever referring to it as an upper-tier Carpenter.

A much-hyped collaboration between two titans of modern horror, Stephen King and John Carpenter, CHRISTINE plays well to some of their respective fascinations: King's being the turbulence of adolescence heightened by runaway supernatural evil (see also: CARRIE) and Carpy's being an obsession with 50's nostalgia and the feeling of being born in the wrong time (see also: WAITING OUT THE EIGHTIES). The story of a murderous '57 Plymouth Fury and the strange hold it takes over the personality of a 70's teenage outcast, CHRISTINE is equal parts thriller, chiller, and a freaky coming-of-age. Here's ten reasons I think it's quite a plum in Carpenter's oeuvre:

#1. The soundtrack (and occasional lack thereof). Right off the bat, Carpenter lets us know it's not exactly business as usual: despite the familiar Albertus font, the film opens not with the familiar strains of a synthesized Carpy score, but the malevolent idling of an engine. Later, we get some Carpy-penned tension-building tracks, but the majority of the soundtrack is made up of classic, early Rock n' Roll tracks (which take on an even greater significance when the demon-car Christine begins to use their lyrics to communicate!). Carpenter also beautifully illustrates the decline of American culture as Buddy Holly's original "Not Fade Away" literally fades away into Tanya Tucker's 70's-tastic (and fairly abhorrant) version. Including Bonnie Raitt's reinterpretation of Del Shannon's "Runaway" achieves the same purpose: groundbreaking, sincere work gives way to glossy, poppy, overproduced nonsense. (And I don't mean especially to pick on Tanya and Bonnie, because the state of mainstream artistic expression has only worsened since!)

#2. Robert Prosky. One of the great character actors, his irascible (and frequently improvised) Old Man Darnell can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned.

"That's the last time you run that mechanical asshole in here without an exhaust hose," he gripes while chewing on that old man cud that all grizzled garage owners apparently chew on. "Don't think you got the gold key to the crapper-nobody takes advantage of me!" He's great.

#3. Use of the word "shitter." Sometimes Stephen King goes a little over the top with the stylized patois, but every once in a while, a term pops up that truly warms my heart. Like when Keith Gordon squeals "Don't touch her... SHITTER!" Or when Roberts Blossom (any relation to Buck Flower?) malevolently intones "You don't know half as much as you think you do...SHITTER!" I could go on.

#4. Christine's self repair. Sure, the key principal at hand here is running the film backwards, but even the 80's SFX-naysayers must admit that the end result is astounding.



And just think of how shitty it'd look with CGI. I'm sure a remake will be in the works shortly, as the powers that be continue to mine Carpenter's back catalogue– it makes my skin crawl.

#5. The choking scene. Carpenter illustrates a supernatural event (a car consciously trapping a girl inside as she chokes on some food) through the simplest terms (extremely bright light)...and it works!




#6. Photographing Christine as though she's Michael Myers from HALLOWEEN.


And it occurs to me that those early scenes in HALLOWEEN on Michael driving around and stalking the girls likely later served as Carpenter's 'audition' for CHRISTINE! (And see the opening sequence of HALLOWEEN III for the aftershocks.) Also, the sudden lighting of piercing headlamps in the darkness makes for a great and unexpected horror motif!

#7. Carpy's meditations on the relationships between humans and machines.

Carpenter takes a different, less fleshy approach than, say, Cronenberg, but he's got a lot to say about the feelings which we ascribe to our objects. At what point does a car merit a gender? At which point does Christine emerge as a character beneath the indifferent chrome and candy apple? Is it when she's wounded- when that gaping maw of gnarled pipes and twisted metal resembles a mouth?

Regardless, there's an excellent moment when, after a demonstration of Christine's sentience, a porch light flips on suddenly in the darkness. We're in a state of mind which believes immediately somehow that the light may be 'alive,' yet it quickly sinks in that a person (soon revealed to be a parent) has turned on the light in response to a teenage argument. But it demonstrates perfectly that odd disconnect between identifying machines and the people who operate them.

#8. Harry Dean Stanton. Sure, his part's not that big. Sure, he's been better used elsewhere. But when Harry Dean Stanton shows up, I stand to attention and salute.

It does make me kind of sad that Harry Dean and Carpenter only collaborated twice, though––can you imagine him as one of the crew in THE THING? Or as a resistance member in THEY LIVE? The mind reels.

#9. I love it when high-schoolers are ambiguously middle-aged. It's like it was a prerequisite to have at least a couple in every teen movie.


#10. Keith Gordon. Sometimes I can't quite tell if an actor is terrible or brilliant, but I enjoy their performance all the same. His character begins as a nerd that's excited about Scrabble and can't even open his own locker,

but transforms into a psychotic, car-obsessed 70's greaser prone to Pesci-esque explosions of emotion. Occasionally he enters the realm of "Hoo boy, that's over the top," but that's really such a fine line that perhaps it's not for me to say.

What is for me to say? Well, how about a toast– "Death to all SHITTERS of 1979!"

-Sean Gill

Television Review: WILD PALMS (1993, Kathryn Bigelow, Keith Gordon, Peter Hewitt, & Phil Joanou)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 300 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Directed by Kathryn Bigelow (STRANGE DAYS, NEAR DARK), Phil Joanou (THREE O'CLOCK HIGH, ENTROPY), Peter Hewitt (BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY, THE BORROWERS), & Keith Gordon (THE CHOCOLATE WAR, WAKING THE DEAD). Written by Bruce Wagner (NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET III: DREAM WARRIORS, SCENES FROM THE CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS), based off of his comic strip of the same name. Produced by Oliver Stone, Bruce Wagner, and Michael Rauch (POINT BREAK, SUPERMAN, LIVE AND LET DIE). Music by Ryuchi Sakamoto (MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. LAWRENCE, THE LAST EMPEROR). Starring James Belushi (THE PRINCIPAL, HOMER & EDDIE), Dana Delany (LIGHT SLEEPER, TOMBSTONE), Robert Loggia (LOST HIGHWAY, SCARFACE), Kim Cattrall (MANNEQUIN, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA), Angie Dickinson (THE KILLERS, BIG BAD MAMA), Ernie Hudson (GHOSTBUSTERS, THE CROW), Bebe Neuwirth (THE FACULTY, GREEN CARD), Nick Mancuso (UNDER SIEGE, STINGRAY), David Warner (TIME BANDITS, THE OMEN), Ben Savage (BOY MEETS WORLD, LITTLE MONSTERS), Bob Gunton (DEMOLITION MAN, THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION), Brad Dourif (CHILD'S PLAY, WISE BLOOD), François Chau (Dr. Chang on LOST, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE), Charles Hallahan (THE THING, VISION QUEST).
Tag-line: "Your reality is their business."
Best one-liner: "Babylon has fallen. Let's boogie!"

WILD PALMS is a lurid soap opera, an epic Greek tragedy, and a mesmerizing techno-prophecy, mingled and wired into a jerry-built cyber-apparatus posing as a mini-series. Audiences weren't ready for this in 1993, and they're not ready for it now.




It presents a world in transition– religions, corporations, and governments gradually coalesce into a single body; human brains, oversaturated with sheer data, begin to lose their capacity for an emotional response; pop cultural references become out only 'shared experience' as a society- and our only means of expression. The concept of childhood becomes meaningless- if you want a shot at becoming apuppet master instead of just a puppet, you'd better burst forth from the womb and hit the ground running.

It's the little details that lend the series' vision of the future verisimilitude– male formal wear has reverted to the Nineteenth Century, sixties rock is back in style (the rights to all these songs must have cost a fortune!), and digital fixes (consisting of a steady diet of images) have become the addiction-of-the-month. The brainchild of Robert Wagner, Oliver Stone, and Michael Rauch, and featuring direction from Kathryn Bigelow and Phil Joanou , among others, the series draws equal doses of inspiration from of William Gibson (who appears in a cameo!), TWIN PEAKS, Sophocles, and the Church of Scientology- and somehow emerges with singular, unexpected vision and actual emotional stakes.

The cast is a marvelous, chilling ensemble– James Belushi lends a dazed weight to the proceedings as our overwhelmed hero; a suave Kim Cattrall is done up like Audrey Horne;

Belushi chats with Audrey Horn– I mean, Kim Cattrall.

Robert Loggia exudes teeth-baring vehemence (“They’re trying TO RAPE ME, Harry!”);

Robert Loggia provokes yet another pants-shitting.

a likable Ernie Hudson hallucinates cathedrals, a soothing David Warner sprays Uzi fire; a somber, bedridden Brad Dourif wears a (virtual) powdered wig;

David Warner comforts Brad Dourif.

a bitchy Angie Dickinson delivers believable beatdowns worthy of Joan Crawford;

Angie Dickinson takes it to the next level.

and a pre- BOY MEETS WORLD Ben Savage is a gleeful, sociopathic kiddie. The icing on the cake is a Ryuichi Sakamoto score which you’ll at first deem corny, then magical, and ultimately, bewitchingly, poetic. WILD PALMS is some of the boldest, most expressionistic work television has ever offered and I must wholeheartedly recommend it.


-Sean Gill

Film Review: THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985, Matthew Robbins)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Helen Slater (SUPERGIRL, CITY SLICKERS, RUTHLESS PEOPLE), Christian Slater (GLEAMING THE CUBE, TRUE ROMANCE), Richard Bradford (THE UNTOUCHABLES, MISSING), Peter Coyote (E.T., SOUTHERN COMFORT, SLAYGROUND), Keith Gordon (JAWS 2, CHRISTINE, DRESSED TO KILL), Dean Stockwell (BLUE VELVET; PARIS, TEXAS), Yeardley Smith (THE SIMPSONS, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE). Music by The Divinyls, Pat Benatar, Billy Idol, Wendy O. Williams, & Craig Safan (the composer of CHEERS and THE LAST STARFIGHTER).
Tag-line: "The last thing she ever expected was to become a hero."
Best one-liner: "Hey, get your hand off that!" –"What, your sister? Or your fagmobile?"

Feeling like sort of a cross between LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE FABULOUS STAINS and BONNIE AND CLYDE, it may surprise some to learn that THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN is actually an adaptation of THE LEGEND OF MICHAEL KOHLHAAS, an 1811 novel based on historical events that took place in Saxony in the 1530's. It's a series of injustices that might seem trivial to a member of the ruling class (stolen horses or a trashed scooter), but which make all the difference in the world to someone eking out a poverty-laden existence (be it in a fiefdom or a trailer park). However, in adapting this story for mainstream 80's audiences, a lot gets lost in translation, and our suspension of disbelief undergoes some serious wear and tear. But it doesn't matter- pump up the power on that Pat Benatar, arch your burgeoning Slater eyebrows, and sing it loud- "FAIR IS FAIR!" The casting is perfect: Helen 'SUPERGIRL' Slater is striking, fiery, and determined.

Part Joan of Arc, part Travis Bickle, she riles up the masses with a genuine charisma and righteous indignation that make this movie so damned watchable.

Bleached blond Christian Slater (no relation) reveals, even at the tender age of 15, some of the smart-alecky greatness that was to come.

Note eyebrows.

Nicholson pal Richard Bradford is fantastic as a Stacy Keach-style skeeze who seems beyond the law:

Look at that curled lip, that sleazy stache, the gutter 'tude.

Peter Coyote embodies the beleaguered, good-hearted cop who's won over by the kids' plight:

Coyote: getting too old for this shit?

and Dean Stockwell (BLUE VELVET) is an a-hole politico whose rebellious wolfman-lovin' son (Keith Gordon) gets thrown into the mix. Yeardley Smith (Lisa from THE SIMPSONS) is a lovable hayseed, and we even get a bit part from quintessential Texas gal Caroline Williams ('Stretch' from TEXAS CHAINSAW 2). There's some ridiculous homoerotic mistreatment at the hands of some Golan/Globus-worthy jag-offs (in cut-offs), which ends with some homoerotic milkshake-pouring revenge:

Messing with young Slater leads to eyebrow action and....

SPLOOOSH

there's some classic '80's media circus' social commentary; there are not 1, not 2, not 3, but FOUR senseless lowblows; and Christian Slater gets to rock out a dress.

Note lipstick.

Yes, this is a cult classic. Four stars.

-Sean Gill