Film Review: THE BIG EASY (1986, Jim McBride)

Stars: 3.5 of 5.

Running Time:  minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Dennis Quaid (ENEMY MINE, FAR FROM HEAVEN), Ellen Barkin (DOWN BY LAW, THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI), John Goodman (BARTON FINK, THE BIG LEBOWSKI), Ned Beatty (SUPERMAN, DELIVERANCE), Grace Zabriskie (TWIN PEAKS, WILD AT HEART), Marc Lawrence (MARATHON MAN, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN), Soloman Burke (Rock n' Roll Hall of Famer and "The Bishop of Soul").  Written by Daniel Petrie, Jr. (BEVERLY HILLS COP, TURNER & HOOCH).

Tag-line:  "Police ACTION at its best!"  (If ya know what I mean.)

Best one-liner:  "If I can't have you, can I have my gator?"

Sweet crawdad-lickin', bayou-sweatin', gator-chompin' lordy o mine!  It's time to kick off this three part series of Southern-Fried Sleaze-O-Rama!

What? You may be thinking.  THE BIG EASY is a fairly respected, medium-to-high-budgeted 80s Neo-Noir classic, or at least a near-classic.  It's got a respectable acting pedigree, Ebert loved the hell out of it, and for as much as we use the AFI for anything other than the occasional snide remark, they shortlisted this flick for their "Greatest American Mysteries" list and for their "Greatest American Love Stories" list.  So what are you thinking, placing this crawdad-lickin' gem in your series dedicated to unintentional camp and hilarious perversity?

Well, as much as I genuinely enjoy THE BIG EASY, I must spring something on you.  A pop quiz, to be exact.  Don't worry, though– there's only one question.  I want you to think hard, and tell me what the answer is, because honestly, I don't even know.  The question is this:

Q:  What is the most unexpectedly bizarre moment of Mardi Grassin', cajun-spicin' wackadoodle to appear in THE BIG EASY?

Is it, A:  Ned Beatty's spectacular get-up during a front-porchin' Crescent City shindig,

which includes a rather chic felt crawdad hat, a pair of suspenders, and a Tabasco™ sauce tee-shirt, which proudly (and accurately) labels Beatty as "HOT STUFF."

Is it, B:  Grace Zabriskie's bug-eyed, Creole-accented turn as Dennis Quaid's mother,

a matriarch so fierce that she can demolish old ladies with a soul-blasting Medusa glare:

It's a performance which probably inspired David Lynch, who would later cast her in WILD AT HEART as an accented hitwoman carrying out a job in New Orleans.

Is it, C:  John Goodman, looking nowhere near "skinny," but certainly younger and svelter than I've seen him this side of C.H.U.D.

Hint: it's not C.  C is pretty normal.

Is it, D:  The comically disturbing semi-implied, semi-explicit salad-tossing scene between Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin



which nearly made me spray my beer through my nose.  (And don't you worry, this series with make an extremely tasteful recurring motif of this particular proclivity.)  I feel as if this demands a new euphemism.  "The Bayou Tosser?"  "Mason Licksin'?"  "Jambalaya Jammin'?"


Is it, E:  Jambalaya Jammin'.  Nevermind, nevermind, THIS is "Jambalaya Jammin'":


Or, as longtime goosing aficionado Burt Reynolds might call it, "The Stroker Ace."

Or is it, F:  Dennis Quaid going undercover and on the lam as notable "Hall and Oates" member,  John Oates.

John Oates heartily approves.

And you really must watch the following clip, which truly functions best when viewed entirely out of context:

So there you have it– I have posed the question.  I pray that you, my valued readers, can provide me with the answer.  So here's hopin' you beat the heat, and stay tuned for more crawdad-lickin', Southern-fried Sleaze-o-rama!

–Sean Gill

Film Review: EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC (1977, John Boorman)

Stars: 2.8 of 5.
Running Time: 118 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Linda Blair (ROLLER BOOGIE, THE EXORCIST), Richard Burton (THE KLANSMAN, THE SPY WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD), Louise Fletcher (BRAINSTORM, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST), Max von Sydow (THE ICE PIRATES, THE SEVENTH SEAL), Ned Beatty (STROKER ACE, DELIVERANCE), James Earl Jones (SOUL MAN, STAR WARS), Paul Henreid (OPERATION CROSSBOW, CASABLANCA), Kitty Winn (KOJAK, THE PANIC IN NEEDLE PARK). Music by Ennio Morricone (RED SONJA; THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY). Tap Dance Routine choreographed by Daniel Joseph Giaghi (PENNIES FROM HEAVEN).
Tag-line: "It's four years later...what does she remember?"
Best one-liner: "If he can teach me how he has survived Pazuzu... I'll come back and let you know."

Where to begin? The acting talent is astonishing- of the seven principal players, six have been nominated for (or have won) Oscars. The seventh, Kitty Winn, had won Best Actress at Cannes. The director, John Boorman, had a history of accomplished, edgy work from POINT BLANK to HELL IN THE PACIFIC to DELIVERANCE. So where did we go wrong? Well, two things in particular:

#1. EXORCIST II is playing a high-stakes poker game with the audience. And it's betting the farm on a little lady named Linda Blair, which you'll soon realize was something of a mistake. What everyone thought was a genius, new acting talent from the first EXORCIST was mostly just the voice of Mercedes McCambridge and the astonishing special effects. In the meantime, Blair had unfortunately become something of a King Midas in reverse… but, hey, she still does a mean tap-dance. More on that in a minute.

#2. Looks like John Boorman kept Richard Burton sober. Another big mistake. He plays nearly every scene with an infantile, bewildered grimace- the subtext is "Goddamn you for taking away my gin stash!" He's pronouncing "evil" with three syllables- "Eee-vee-ill." This man is tortured.

"When the wings have brushed you...is there no hope once the WINGS HAVE BRUSHED YOU!!!" Hand this man a flask, for the love of God!

"Where'd you put my stash, John? I won't be cross with you if you give it back, straightaway. I don't even want it all- just a fifth of the best gin. How's about a Gin Rickey, John? Just one Rickey. Then we'll get back to the film. Just a quick snifter, John. John?"


"Oh, I'll buy it back, John! I'll give you all the gold 'n silver in all the world, John! I'll do the picture gratis, John! Whaddya say? Just a quick Pimm's cup! It's all I need, John- just a little Pimm's to keep me going."


"You want some shite acting for your shite film, John?! By all the saints, I'll give it to, you bloody bastard! All's I wanted was some Pimm's, you divvy git! Why, now I'll take this Pazuzu fellow and cock up your picture!"

Anyway, there's some shit with amnesia and synchronized hypnosis,


and, wait- if Linda Blair can see into the future, then why doesn't she use that knowledge to prevent ROLLER BOOGIE from happening?

Then there's this tantalizing bit from the credits: "Tap Dance Routine choreographed by Daniel Joseph Giaghi." If you're anything like me, such an absurd statement will excite and intrigue. 'What can we put in Part 2 that we didn't have in Part 1?' Clearly the answer is a tap-dance routine. And not just a tap-dance routine– a psychedelic tap-dance collective seizure attack:

Dit-dat duh duh

Clickety-clackety-clickety-clack

EEEEEYEEOOOOOWWWW

YUHH-UHHHH-UHHH

Truly, it's the little things that keep ya going.

So, EXORCIST 1 had the head-spin, the vomit, and the inappropriate use of a crucifix. EXORCIST 2 has the tap-dance seizure, the locust POV shot,

and the rock crevice plummet. But there's some good stuff going on, too. Ennio Morricone's score is in turns funny, primal, epic, thumpin', and, on at least one occasion lends unexpected weight to a scene involving a locust attack. Boorman makes some bold stylistic and editing decisions, a few of which (trippy hallucinations

and a jarring self-immolation sequence) work quite well. On the whole, it kinda feels like a weird, arty horror retread of those terrible old Republic serials. It never quite bores and never quite entertains. Almost three stars- why not?.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: STROKER ACE (1983, Hal Needham)

Stars: 1 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Director Hal Needham (HOOPER, RAD, CANNONBALL RUN), Burt Reynolds, Loni Anderson, Jim Nabors (Gomer Pyle), Ned Beatty,
Tag-lines: "BURT'S BACK... With car crashin' & party crashin' as the hassled hunk who drives his car upside down & his women round the bend!"
Best one-liner: "What's a scrotum?"

Alright folks, I was disappointed. 'Well, what did you expect?,' some might say. Well, let's take a look at the poster, shall we? Probably the most blatant depiction of 'goosing' ever depicted in promotional material. Burt: giggling away and goin' to town. Loni: shocked and appalled, but with the underlying knowledge that this is par for the course in a relationship with Burt.

It says so little and yet so much. It sparks the imagination. Can you imagine a GONE WITH THE WIND poster where Clark Cable is behind Vivien Leigh, goosing away? Perhaps I digress. But, regardless, NOWHERE in this movie––a film called 'STROKER Ace'––is there any goosing. The audience isn't asking for much––just a little- SCHWINK––followed by Burt chewing his gum and giggling. Is that so wrong? So deviant? No more deviant, I would argue, than this ill-advised mélange of celebrity hucksterism that Burt chose to do instead of TERMS OF ENDEARMENT.

There's a lot wrong here. First, there's Jim Nabors where Dom DeLuise ought to be. There's overuse of 'wuh WUHHHH' horn sections and underuse of Bubba Smith. There's terrible stock footage, "What's a scrotum?" is a one-liner, and some near-necrophilia is played for laffs with the line "This would be so much more fun if you were here!" Burt pulls off zany pranks like submerging a man in cement and flinging a rival through a plate glass window. It's frequently unclear if Loni Anderson realizes that she's in a film, or if she just thought it was 'one of those weird days where Burt calls me by another name and there's a camera crew around.' There's the consummate '40 person bar fight' and Burt gets to punch out the D-bag at the end and smile. (See also: HOOPER.)

Note the 'Okay' sign.

All of this is followed by the worst blooper reel in Burt's career (though it does reveal that when Dom is not around to smack in the face, Burt smacks HIMSELF in the face).

One star. And that's kinda generous.

Lesson: Ya don’t substitute a good goose with bad chicken?