Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER VI: HELLSEEKER (2002)

Only now does it occur to me... that half of these HELLRAISER sequels are basically JACOB'S LADDER fanfic with a Pinhead cameo. 

 

This is mostly because they began as rejected horror spec scripts which found new life while Miramax was kicking the can down the road and legally keeping the rights to HELLRAISER by crapping out a fresh installment every couple of years.

I've been working my way through the canon over the years on this blog, and as far as the JACOB'S LADDER aesthetic goes, this one makes HELLRAISER V: INFERNO look like a David Lynch film or a Hieronymous Bosch painting.

We're treated to simply the most generic Cenobites imaginable, borrowing the "fleshy, restitched pillowcase" look from JACOB'S LADDER, but forgetting that Adrian Lyne used that so effectively with only the briefest of glimpses and freaky, sped-up frame rates.

Pinhead's appearances are the very definition of Contractually Obligated. This is definitely the first HELLRAISER installment where the major creative force was a team of entertainment lawyers.

The fact that the movie dangles the return of Kirsty (Ashley Laurence, heroine of HELLRAISERS I-III) as its main selling point 

and proceeds to give us about three minutes' worth of Kirsty via a weakly-constructed frame story––

 

this is what actively antagonizes the viewer. Supposedly this was done with an actual iota of Clive Barker input, which is surprising. (Hey, take that paycheck, Clive, no shame!) 

But what HELLSEEKER actually delivers is a movie starring "budget Will Patton" (Dean Winters, now most notorious for his appearances as "Mayhem" in Allstate commercials)

who gives us none of the Tim Robbins pathos which could make this work, and instead plays it (as he was directed, I assume) with the nonspecificity of pre-prestige '90s television, as if this is LAW AND ORDER: CENOBITE CRIMES UNIT. Woof!

Sean Gill's "Selected Arcana from My Literary Tarot" in Electric Literature

My latest essay, "Selected Arcana from My Literary Tarot," featuring tarot interpretations of authors from James Baldwin to Judy Blume, has been published online by Electric Literature.

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER V: INFERNO (2000)

Only now does it occur to me... I can't believe I'm saying this––after the CD-ROM Cenobite-madness in part III and the Alan Smithee/poor man's James Cameron antics of part IV––that HELLRAISER V is... dare I say it... not... so bad. Written as an original horror script by Paul Harris Boardman and director Scott Derrickson, Dimension Films ordered it to be revamped and shoehorned into the HELLRAISER saga.

In a nutshell, HELLRAISER V: INFERNO is a hardboiled detective story that takes an immediate (shallow?) dive into JACOB'S LADDER territory.


For a straight-to-DVD title, the caliber of visual storytelling is strong, the scares are occasionally effective (if incredibly derivative), and it builds a disorienting, distinctly L.A. atmosphere that almost feels like discount David Lynch slumming in the Barker-verse. A lot of the scenes have that stilted, surreal quality common in Lynch's work, and there's even a nefarious, advice-dispensing cowboy played by LOST HIGHWAY's Michael Shamus Wiles who prefigures the one in MULHOLLAND DR.

Wiles brings that Lynchian intonation...


...and yes, that is also a Cenobite cowboy in the background.


Flickering fluorescent lighting? Check.


Whatever this is? Check.


Shades of THE SHINING, as well.

It stars NIGHTBREED's Craig Sheffer (which lends it a little Clive Barker-esque continuity), as a "bad lieutenant" having a bad week with little support from his partner, lesser Turturro sibling Nick.

There's also an unusually soulful performance from a beardy James Remar (THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS.) who sorta looks like Fisher Stevens here.

We'll always have RENT-A-COP.

I mean, maybe my judgment is clouded by the memory of HELLRAISER IN SPACE, but there are some nearly subtle things at play here––a sort of Egoyan-style chiaroscuro and interest in mass media alienation,

one-liners like "I'll send you some candy at Christmas!" or "Are you gonna frisk me or fuck me?," and finally, in a wondrously head-scratching moment, a martial arts assault perpetrated by (non-Cenobite) Japanese cowboys who look like they should be in a hair metal band.

Obviously the best part.

You have to respect that. Also, despite being on the poster, Pinhead probably has about two minutes of screen-time, but I always thought he was best in small, effective doses. In the end, HELLRAISER V doesn't stick it's landing––it delivers a "twist," apparent from the outset, in an awkward, unnecessarily three-tiered denouement––but in terms of atmosphere and general competence, it's so far beyond its immediate predecessors that I have to give it a respectful head nod (but no slow clap).

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINE (1996)

Only now does it occur to me... that HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINE wants to have its cake and eat it, too.  Particularly, it wants to have its "Let them eat cake"-cake, with extended 18th Century flashbacks that kinda feel like the ones in ANGEL, questionable accents and all:

Yes, that is PARKS & RECREATION's Adam Scott on the left.

It wants to have its James Cameron cake, too, with a frame story taking place in 2127 on a space-station shaped like a deconstructed Lament Configuration:


In case we didn't get the Cameron vibe completely, there are Space Marines:

T-800-lookin' robots:

and twin security guards, just like in TERMINATOR 2 (albeit under different circumstances):

HELLRAISER IV versus....

TERMINATOR 2.

It wants to have its Brian de Palma cake:

Again, that's Adam Scott on the right-hand side of this De Palma shot, only now he's been transformed into a 90s yuppie.

Its "corporate thriller" cake":

Yes, that is a catered dinner in the lobby of a skyscraper that's been decorated to look like an enormous Lament Configuration.

Not to mention its John Carpenter cake:

(I can't believe they profaned Carpenter's favorite (Albertus) font with the Alan Smithee name!)


A lot of this schizophrenia probably has to do with the fact that Clive Barker's concept was gutted by studio budget cuts, and horror maestro Stuart Gordon dropped out. He was replaced by TALES FROM THE CRYPT's Kevin Yagher, who presided over what was supposedly a clusterfuck of a shoot, and then HALLOWEEN 666's Joe Chapelle was brought in to do studio ordered, Pinhead-centric reshoots after Yagher refused. (All of which ended with Yagher choosing to be credited as the infamous "Alan Smithee.")

In all, this is not a great movie––and it doesn't even have a song by Motörhead or a CD Cenobite, like in HELLRAISER III. Though I do appreciate the "in space!" aspect, also seen in JASON X, CRITTERS 4: THEY'RE INVADING YOUR SPACE, or LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE.
 
 Doug Bradley, who'd rather be doing RICHARD III.


Christine Harnos, who you may remember from DAZED AND CONFUSED and as "Mark Greene's first wife" from ER.

Bruce Ramsay, who kinda looks like Jean-Claude Van Damme. But remember: there can only be one Jean-Claude Faux Damme!

Additionally, this was the last HELLRAISER film to be released theatrically, and I feel as if I've made an accurate assessment of its quality. Note: there are five more after this. And another one supposedly coming out next year. Whew!

Only now does it occur to me... NIGHTBREED (1990)

Only now does it occur to me... that in a dark, phantasmagorical carnival filled with wall-to-wall imaginative demons,

creatures,

and nightmarish concepts...

that David Cronenberg would come out of left field to steal the show!

Lookin' creepy, Mr. C!

NIGHTBREED is a deeply atmospheric Clive Barker film (based on his novel CABAL) that he imagined would be the "STAR WARS" of horror movies: a multi-part epic with creature effects, a sweeping soundtrack (by Danny Elfman), heroic prophecies, beautiful matte paintings, and explosive action setpieces.

Unfortunately, it failed to recoup its budget and didn't gain much traction with critics, although over the years it has accumulated a devoted cult following. The newly remastered Director's Cut (while not incredibly different from the theatrical cut), is a generally stronger piece and, when it's over, you're left wishing there had been at least a trilogy of these movies.

Anyway––back to my enthusiastic salute to David Cronenberg's acting abilities! (Who knew?)

As psychotic psychotherapist Dr. Philip K. Decker (an homage to sci-fi author and Cronenberg hero Philip K. Dick), Cronenberg plays a near-pastiche of your typical Cronenberg villains––brilliant, perverse, detached, and clinical. Being a "closeted" outsider himself (Barker, as usual, peppers his horror with apt LGBT commentary), Dr. Decker loathes unconventional society and wishes to (literally) carve the "new flesh" off of the world.  In short, he's a soft-spoken creeper who moonlights as a terrifying, hooded slasher,

almost a proto-version of Cillian Murphy's "Scarecrow" from BATMAN BEGINS.

He has a wonderful yuppie lair where he lays out all of his knives like a Dario Argento murderer,

and he generally hypnotizes the viewer with his self-loathing and low-key menace.  It's an incredibly subtle performance, and I was left wishing that Cronenberg would use his acting abilities more often.

Interested parties may see Mr. Cronenberg ply this underrated talent in JASON X (as a doctor), ALIAS (also as a doctor), THE STUPIDS (as a postal worker), and TO DIE FOR (as a mafioso hitman!).

2015 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN OVERFLOW

1.  SCANNERS (1981, David Cronenberg)

2.  MICHAEL IRONSIDE: MENTAL SABOTEUR (2014, Karen Stetler)

3.  NOMADS (1986, John McTiernan)

4.  THE STUFF (1985, Larry Cohen)

5.  THE BEACH (2000, Danny Boyle)

6.  CHILD'S PLAY 2 (1990, John Lafia)

7.  NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1988, Kevin S. Tenney)
8. VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1995, John Carpenter)

9. BLACK ROSES (1988, John Fasano)

10. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, "HALLOWEEN" (1997, Bruce Seth Green) 

11. ANGEL, "THE RING" (2000, Nick Marck)

12. CHILD'S PLAY 3 (1991, Jack Bender)

13. ...

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER III: HELL ON EARTH

Only now does it occur to me...  that it might be worth watching HELLRAISER III just for the "killer-CD slinging Cenobite" alone.  Does that require some explanation?  Okay, here goes:

After being killed by his own CDs, the L.A. surfer dude DJ at a posh n' yuppie club

is transformed into a CD Cenobite whereupon

 he removes deadly remixes from a tray in his chest and

flings them into cowering passersby.

That's simply well done.
A lot of people have problems with this HELLRAISER movie, calling it "the one where Pinhead becomes Freddy Krueger" or "the one where the series goes to shit," but I call it "the one that allowed me to accurately use 'deadly remixes' in a sentence."  That is all.

(P.S.– it's possible that those deadly remixes contained Motörhead's "Hellraiser" the rockin' closing credits song whose tie-in music video features a Lemmy vs. Pinhead playing card battle!

Television Review: QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY (1997, Mick Garris)

Stars: 2 of 5.

Running Time: 90 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew:  Christopher Lloyd (BACK TO THE FUTURE, CLUE), Matt Frewer (MAX HEADROOM, HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS), Raphael Sbarge (RISKY BUSINESS, INDEPENDENCE DAY), Missy Crider (MULHOLLAND DR., POWDER), Silas Weir Mitchell (FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS, 24), Bill Nunn (DO THE RIGHT THING, SPIDER-MAN), Veronica Cartwright (ALIEN, THE BIRDS, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS '78), with a cameo by John Landis (THE BLUES BROTHERS, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON).  Music by Mark Mothersbaugh (Devo, THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS).  Based on short stories by Stephen King (CAT'S EYE, THE NIGHT FLIER) and Clive Barker (HELLRAISER, NIGHTBREED).

Tag-line:  "Fright titans Stephen King and Clive Barker send a shiver up your spine!"

Best one-liner:  "If you can't see the black heart of America, you're either blind, or a fool!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

 "So... I just saw QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY..."
–"What's that?"
"It's an omnibus horror flick with stories by Stephen King and Clive Barker, made for television."
–"Awesome!  Is it good?"
"Well, uh... what is it that I always say about Mick Garris?
–"That CRITTERS 2: THE MAIN COURSE is his finest achievement."
"No, besides that."
–"That he's a one-man Matt Frewer employment agency?"
"No, besides that."
–"That HOCUS POCUS is a forgotten masterpiece?"
"Look, just forget it.  Anyway, my point is that this is full of the silly, sloppy storytelling that Garris is well-known for, and feels a helluva lot like a failed pilot episode for an anthology series, which is what it might even have been.  I don't know.  I'm so demoralized, I don't even feel like researching that information."
–"Ouch."
"On the Mick Garris failure index, it's not as good as CRITTERS 2, SLEEPWALKERS, or his MASTERS OF HORROR episodes, but it is leaps and bounds ahead of THE STAND and THE SHINING."
–"Well, that's not saying much."
"But it is saying something.  Anyway, let's get into the nitty-gritty.  As in most omnibus horror films, there's a frame story.  This frame story involves a manic Christopher Lloyd who is wearing an S&M dog collar, a Sherlock Holmes coat, and a leather peasant shirt.  Also, for some reason, he's looking a lot like Jeremy Irons."

–"Does he bring the crazy?"
"Of course he brings the crazy.  He's doing psychotic facial mugging, improvising some great acting business with a dish of strawberries, and trying his goddamned best with Garris' mealy-mouthed dialogue. In fact, that's the main problem here:  out of a 90 minute runtime, there's probably a half-hour's worth of Garris-scripted frame padding, which has absolutely nothing to do with the work of Stephen King or Clive Barker and is incredibly, needlessly verbose." 

 
Lloyd is a living legend, but that doesn't discount the fact that 100% of the props and costumes pictured above may have been purchased from the nearest Spencer's Gifts.

–"Lloyd can't save it?"
"Sadly, no.  But he tries.  And it is kinda fun to watch him try.  For a few minutes, anyway."
–"Oh.  So what's the first story?"
"We begin with Stephen King.  'Chattery Teeth,' from the King collection NIGHTMARES AND DREAMSCAPES.  'Chattery Teeth' was my favorite Stephen King short story of all time... when I was ten."
–"That's a good age."
"Anyway, 'Chattery Teeth' is the tale of a traveling salesman who stumbles across a ramshackle Route 66 gas station and comes into the possession of a pair of novelty chattering teeth."

–"I had a pair of those when I was a kid!"
"Yeah, me too.  Anyway, the salesman encounters a deranged hitchhiker, and then things get interesting..."
–"Do the teeth come to life?"
"I'm not telling you."
–"Do they start chomping on people?"
"Shhh.  Anyway, we get a nice supporting role from acting legend Veronica Cartwright as a licorice-chewin' proprietress, decked out in trashy Southwestern jewelry.  Along with Christopher Lloyd, Charles Durning in DESPERATION, and Ed Harris in THE STAND, she's probably the best actor to ever appear in a Mick Garris movie."

Veronica Cartwright:  too good for this movie.

–"Well, how is it?  The segment, I mean."
"It's actually not bad, it just doesn't have a lot of 'oomph.'  The story's only 39 pages, and the segment's around 30 minutes, so it's probably got one of the lowest page-to-minute ratios of any King adaptation.  It's very faithful to the short story, but it should have been shorter, and with a lot more flair, especially in regard to the um... 'chomping.'"
–"I knew it!  I knew there was chomping!"
"Yeah, yeah.  Anyway, it should have been a fifteen minute CREEPSHOW piece, is what I'm saying."
–"So what about the next piece– the Barker?"
"Hoo boy."
–"I hate it when you say 'hoo boy.'"
"Aw, shut it.  Now, the Barker segment is adapted from 'The Body Politic,' a taut, bizarre piece of body horror from BOOKS OF BLOOD: VOLUME IV.  It's the story of a man whose hands may or may not have achieved consciousness and are clandestinely plotting a revolution while he sleeps."
–"And?"
"Garris blows it.  Big.  He changes and waters down everything about the story that made it work.  Then he drenches it in bad CGI."
–"Ooh."
"At least we get a John Landis cameo."
–"Well, that's nice."
 
John Landis: always up for a horror cameo.

"And Clive Barker even shows up in the same scene, though you're struck with the horrific idea that that his presence here represents some kind of implicit condonation of the proceedings."

Clive Barker:  cool with directors half-assing adaptations of his work.

–"You said something about bad CGI?"
"Yeah.  So, Matt Frewer plays the lead–"
–"As if you even had to say that out loud."
"To be fair, it could have just as easily been Henry Thomas or Stephen Weber."
–"Good point."
"And Frewer's fine–  but, for instance, he's no Bruce Campbell."

–"Ah, but who is."
"Anyway, when his hands decide to, eh, liberate themselves, there's an amazing practical effect–



which leads almost immediately to some of the worst CGI I've ever seen.  A screen-cap cannot do it justice.  It makes that 90s dancing baby GIF look like something out of RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES."

–"Yikes!"
"By the time there's an army of the things, you're going to be weeping aloud.  And to think that he should have learned his lesson from his depiction of "The Hand of God" in THE STAND!"

–"So you don't think I should watch this one?"
"Well, I'm sure I'm not going to be able to stop you."
–"Yeah, you're probably right.  I am a glutton for punishment."
"Just have the fast-forward button handy.  In closing, if you're gonna watch an adaptation of a Stephen King short story from the collection NIGHTMARES AND DREAMSCAPES that was released in 1997... make it THE NIGHT FLIER."


–Sean Gill