Film Review: HIGHWAY TO HELL (1992, Ate de Jong)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 94 minutes.
Tag-line: "If there's one thing worse than dying and going to Hell, it's not dying – and going to Hell."
Notable Cast or Crew: Chad Lowe (Rob's brother), Kristy Swanson (DEADLY FRIEND, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Patrick Bergin (SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY, PATRIOT GAMES), Adam Storke (MYSTIC PIZZA, Larry Underwood in Mick Garris' THE STAND), Jarrett Lennon (CHEERS, FREAKS & GEEKS), Richard Farnsworth (THE STRAIGHT STORY, MISERY), Lita Ford (of "The Runaways"), Anne Meara (FAME, THE DAYTRIPPERS), Jerry Stiller (SEINFELD, HAIRSPRAY), Ben Stiller (REALITY BITES, EMPIRE OF THE SUN), Gilbert Gottfried (ALADDIN, BEVERLY HILLS COP II), Kevin Peter Hall ("The Predator" in PREDATOR, "Harry" in HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS). Special Effects by Randall William Cook (FRIGHT NIGHT, THE THING, Jackson's LORD OF THE RINGS, GHOSTBUSTERS, POLTERGEIST II). Matte paintings by Rocco Gioffre (BLADE RUNNER, ROBOCOP) and Mark Sullivan (KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE, THE PHANTOM MENACE). Cinematography by Robin Vidgeon (HELLRAISER, NIGHTBREED, THE FLY II). Written by Brian Helgeland (MYSTIC RIVER, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4, L.A. CONFIDENTIAL). Directed by Ate de Jong (DROP DEAD FRED).
Best One-liner: "When I come home from a long day in Hell, there's nothing I'd rather reach for than a fire-brewed bottle of Styx Beer. Made from the filthiest waters from our own River Styx. Styx Beer is a third more toxic than any other regular beer. The worst beer - the filthiest beer - the deadliest beer. It's Styx Beer!"

HIGHWAY TO HELL... where have you been all my life? Shot in 1989 and dumped straight-to-video in 1992 (after a limited release), it took a long time for this wacky little horror-adventure-comedy to find its much deserved cult audience. 

A twisted retelling of the Orpheus and Eurydice myth glimpsed through a "what-if-Tim-Burton-and-Clive-Barker-made-LITTLE-MONSTERS?" lens, Dutch director Ate de Jong dives into the material with visually inventive flourish (think Sam Raimi or Richard Rush) and a goofball sense of humor (imagine MAD Magazine with a Euro-arthouse cool factor).

 

Here, our Orpheus and Eurydice are two road-tripping elopers, played by Chad Lowe and Kristy Swanson. 

Despite a prolific television resume, Chad Lowe never managed to match his brother Rob for relevance, though his performance here is certainly likable and persistent. As "Orpheus," it's mostly his journey and therefore he gets the most screen-time. Kristy Swanson's late '80s star had been on the rise, between DEADLY FRIEND, FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC, FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, MANNEQUIN 2, and HOT SHOTS, though mostly this film places her in in a series of "distressed damsel" scenarios. I can't help but wonder if this film would have found greater purchase with more charismatic leads, somewhere in the vein of Nic Cage/Christian Slater/Woody Harrelson or Jennifer Jason Leigh/Winona Ryder/Bridget Fonda. That being said, Lowe and Swanson do a serviceable job, and they do manage the feeling of two naïve waifs unexpectedly encountering the depths of hell.

Their Route 66 honeymoon road trip is interrupted by a demonic state trooper (C.J. Graham, "Jason" in FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 6) who is part Freddy Krueger, part Cenobite, and part THE HILLS HAVE EYES. 

 

Naturally, he has the vanity plate "DAMNED." 

Using "hand cuffs" that are literal, zombified hands (the first of the film's many visual puns and sight gags)

 the demonic trooper kidnaps Eurydice and takes her through a portal to hell in the Arizona desert.

Taking advice from "Last Chance" gas station owner Richard Farnsworth, Lowe's Orpheus decides to enter the portal to Hades himself and save his fiancée.

It's a nice bit part for the pathos-exuding Farnsworth (Oscar nominated for David Lynch's THE STRAIGHT STORY), who also tells Lowe he's got "the wrong car for this kinda road." [Devotees of THE STRAIGHT STORY, which came out in 1999, will note that this weirdly foreshadows an aspect of that film, where Farnsworth's character, against all advice, drives a ride-on mower cross-country to see his dying brother!]

So Lowe's Orpheus blasts through the hellmouth (in a very BACK TO THE FUTURE-inspired moment) and finds himself in a surreal desert afterlife, somehow equal parts AIRPLANE!,  MAD MAX, and HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN.

(I believe that the sole purpose of his red 49ers cap is to reference Harry Dean Stanton's desert wanderings in Wim Wenders' PARIS, TEXAS.)

 

There are many incredible set-pieces during Orpheus' journey through Hades, and while I wouldn't dream of spoiling them all, I'll set the scene with a few:

Picture it: Pluto's Donuts, a perverted post-Americana 1950s diner that becomes a Stiller family affair, with Anne Meara playing Medea (as a diner waitress),

her husband Jerry Stiller, playing an insistent customer (and dead highway patrolman)
 

and their son Ben Stiller, playing a whiny line cook (in the first of two roles).

 

The visuals throughout are extremely detailed and inventive, and there's a PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE kind of claymation beauty in even the corniest moments. 

 

 Next, consider Hoffa's, a hellish casino

where Genghis Khan (Ben Stiller again), Cleopatra (sister Amy Stiller), and Hitler (Gilbert Gottfried, of course) 

 whine about the poor service, while the table next to them is reserved for 

Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi, martial law enthusiast Imelda Marcos, apartheid brute P.W. Botha, and... Jerry Lewis. This is probably the best illustration of what kind of tone this movie means to convey; in fact, your mileage may vary (on the road to hell). Which is paved with:

 

I admire the inspired, wacko choice to have hell's civic infrastructure run by an unsettling army of Andy Warhols

 who pave hell's roads with a conveyor belt of screaming, freshly deceased victims.

 

Along the way, we witness advertisements for Styx beer (see: best-one liner, above)

and, through the magic of Rocco Gioffre and Mark Sullivan's gorgeous matte paintings, glimpse Hell City and its notorious traffic jams. 

 

 

As Lowe's Orpheus continues his descent

 

 

 (damn, they actually got permission to shoot in Antelope Canyon!) 

he meets a rogue's gallery of characters and cameos, some of whom bear mentioning. Former Runaway and solo artist Lita Ford appears as a hitchhiker:

 

seven-foot-tall character actor Kevin Peter Hall (PREDATOR, HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS) plays a creepy, eyes-sewn-shut Charon:

 

Adam Storke plays sort of rebel prince from hell (seen here acting alongside Kristy Swanson's statement vest):

 

and the deliciously deranged Patrick Bergin (I once did a deep dive into how thoroughly his performance steals the movie SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY) who appears first as a suspiciously earnest "Satanic Mechanic"

 

and later, in a turn, as a nearly Willy Wonka-ish take on Old Scratch.

 

Oh, and did I mention that this thing has the best depiction of Cerberus in film history?

 

So hitch a ride on the HIGHWAY TO HELL: stop-motion monsters, desert madness, post-apocalyptic Americana, and an exquisite, cult movie tone. You'll be left wishing that Ate de Jong had been given greater opportunities in Hollywood to wield his particular brand of zany-satirical creativity. (Though, we'll always have the oeuvre of his fellow Dutch satirist, Paul Verhoeven.)

Film Review: THE PHANTOM (1996, Simon Wincer)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "SLAM EVIL!"

Notable Cast or Crew: Billy Zane (TITANIC, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT), Kristy Swanson (DEADLY FRIEND, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Treat Williams (DEAD HEAT, HAIR), Catherine Zeta-Jones (ENTRAPMENT, THE MASK OF ZORRO), James Remar (RENT-A-COP, THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS.), Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (MORTAL KOMBAT, PEARL HARBOR), David Proval (INNOCENT BLOOD, THE SOPRANOS), Casey Siemaszko (THREE O'CLOCK HIGH, BACK TO THE FUTURE), Samantha Eggar (THE BROOD, CURTAINS), Jon Tenney (MASTERS OF HORROR: HOMECOMING, TOMBSTONE), Patrick McGoohan (THE PRISONER, SCANNERS, SECRET AGENT).
Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam (THE DEAD ZONE, LETHAL WEAPON 2, INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, THE LOST BOYS).  Second unit directed by legendary stuntman Vic Armstrong (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, LIVE AND LET DIE, SUPERMAN, BLADE RUNNER, BRAZIL, RETURN OF THE JEDI).  Produced by Robert Evans (CHINATOWN, MARATHON MAN), Alan Ladd Jr. (BRAVEHEART, VILLAIN), and Joe Dante (GREMLINS, EERIE INDIANA), among others.

Best One-liner: "No smoking in the skull cave."

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"You know how I've been on a Billy Zane kick?"
–"Yeah, I guess."
"Well check out this one-sheet: look what I finally got my hands on."
–"SLAM EVIL?"
"No, THE PHANTOM!"
–"Well, it looks like it's called SLAM EVIL."
"No, it says THE PHANTOM.  See, down there."
–"Yeah, exactly.  It's all the way 'down there.'  So this movie is called 'SLAM EVIL' and it stars The Phantom.  Wait, is that Billy Zane?"
"Do you listen to anything I say?"
–"Not really.  Is it worth seeing?"
"Yeah.  It's good.  I mean, I use that word relatively."
–"I always assume you do."
"It's no TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, is what I mean."
–"What could be?"
"Basically, it's a family-friendly swashbuckling superhero flick with a sense of fun and grand adventure.  It's a product of that four or five year span when Hollywood kept making pulpy and/or Art Deco-ish vintage comic book movies that the public didn't really want.  Stuff like DICK TRACY, THE ROCKETEER, THE SHADOW, and the like."
–"I love THE ROCKETEER."
"So do I.  I'm just saying it wasn't a super-tenable business model."
–"So what is THE PHANTOM?"
"He's a 1930s comic book hero who's become one of the best-selling and longest-running characters of all time. He's been the subject of serials, TV shows, video games and the like.

He's basically Indiana Jones combined with the Lone Ranger and DANGER: DIABOLIK.  And that ranks pretty high in my book."
–"I like Indiana Jones."
"Well, good, cause this thing is packed with Indy references, in no small part due to the participation of Jeffrey Boam (co-writer of LAST CRUSADE) and Vic Armstrong (stunt coordinator and Indy double for the entire trilogy).  There are fedoras; rope bridge scenes;

 Though this is a little more SORCERER than TEMPLE OF DOOM.

missing artifacts with magical, face-exploding powers; there's scenes where a talisman points the way on a map with a colored laser:

 From RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

 
 From THE PHANTOM.

similar locales and production design:
 
 From RAIDERS.


From PHANTOM.

and there's even an extended truck chase scene that features some of the exact, blow-by-blow choreography from the classic one in RAIDERS:



And one moment, with floating CGI skulls:
 
 almost prefigures the finale of an Indiana Jones movie that shall remain nameless."
–"Wow.
"Yeah."
–"I remember a way's back, you were trying to make the case that Billy Zane's eyes and eyebrows were the true stars of TITANIC.  How are they here?"
"Well, it's like how in CYBORG, we meet Van Damme's isolated leg before we even meet Van Damme.  Adhering to that logic, we naturally get an extreme closeup of Zane's gaze before we see the rest of him."

–"I think he can see into my soul!"
"Yeah, he can.  Also, speaking of TITANIC, there's a scene here where The Phantom pops up in a ladies' locker room on a boat– and promptly apologizes to the damsels."


–"Billy Zane being chivalrous on a boat... now I've seen everything!"
"Exactly.  He's a very polite superhero, not unlike, as I said, The Lone Ranger, Superman, or perhaps Adam West's take on Batman.  Here he is, taking a moment out of an action sequence to pick up and return an old lady's purse."

–"Very nice."
"Also, he gives Kristy Swanson some black pearls in a scene eerily reminiscent of when he gave Kate Winslet 'The Heart of the Ocean' in TITANIC."

–"Kristy Swanson!  I had quite the crush on her, back when I first saw DEADLY FRIEND."
"Yeah, well now you can relive that torrid affaire de coeur all over again."
–"So wait, exactly what the hell is going on here?"
"It's a bit of a hodgepodge.  There's evil international corporations, vast pirate conspiracies, magical skulls, tribal sorcery, gunplay, horseplay, swordplay, wordplay, spandex-play..."
–"Who else is in this thing?"
"Our big villain is Treat Williams, who knows exactly what movie he's in, and he's knockin' it out of the park.  A typical scene might see him greedily clasping a magic skull and moaning, 'Ohhhhh, baby!'

Conversely, his top henchman, played by James Remar, is so used to playing it straight, he's struggling with the tone a little bit.  He plays it sort of like 'Indiana Jones gone to the dark side,' but it feels occasionally awkward.  Somehow this works in the film's favor."

–"You mean like that scene in TEMPLE OF DOOM when Harrison Ford drinks the Blood of Kali and acts like he's kicking heroin?"
"Let's forget about that for a minute.  He also gets to rock out some 'Gestapo chic' when he's fighting The Phantom in the city.  Plus, his counterpart is a villainous henchwoman played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, hereafter to be referred to as 'CZJ.'  This movie might be CZJ's finest hour."
 
–"Can we not do that?  The CZJ thing?'
"Ohhh, okay.  Anyway, she's out of control and cartoonish, like a secondary villain from CARMEN SANDIEGO.  If she had a mustache, she'd be twirling it.  The beauty of her performance can be distilled in a twenty-seven second video I have entitled 'Kristy Swanson and Catherine Zeta-Jones' Finest Slap Battles.'"

–"Intense!"
"I'll say.  Finally, there's a nice tertiary villain bit by David Proval, a notorious 'gangster-character-actor' whose performances often genuinely scare me."

–"That's all well and good, but it seems to me you're giving Billy Zane the short shrift here.  Is he not Ama-Zane-ing?"
"Oh, the Zane Factor is pretty high.  It's hard to believe this was nearly a Joel Schumacher movie starring Dolph Lundgren–"
–"WHAAAAT?!"
"Yeah, at least he got to make THE PHANTOM... OF THE OPERA, eventually.  Hell, and before that, directors from Joe Dante to Sergio Leone have wanted to take a crack at The Phantom."
–"You're blowing my mind.  Who would have been Leone's Phantom?"
"I could see Eastwood, Coburn, or Bronson, frankly.  But back to Zane.  Yes, he's ama-Zane-ing, or whatever, it's just that the role isn't one of his flashiest.  Don't despair, though, there are some fine moments.  For instance, off the top of my head:

BILLY ZANE WILL LEAP OFF A HORSE AND


ONTO THE HOOD OF A TRUCK, BUT JAMES REMAR WON'T NOTICE FOR HALF A SECOND


...AND THEN HE WILL NOTICE



BILLY ZANE WILL LOUNGE AROUND, HALF-NUDE, TALKING TO HIS DEAD DAD (WHO IS PATRICK MCGOOHAN)



BILLY ZANE WILL PET THE TIGER


(WHO, INCIDENTALLY, WAS PROVIDED BY ANIMALS R US)



BILLY ZANE WILL HITCH A RIDE ON THE UNDERBELLY OF A PLANE, LIKE HE'S ROBERT DE NIRO IN CAPE FEAR



 BILLY ZANE'S THIGHS WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE


AND STRANGLE YOU


TILL YOU PASS OUT

–"Holy cow!"
"Yup.  Naturally, all of this leads up to a final confrontation where Zane and Williams face off while wielding magical lasers; Williams' emanate from the purloined skull, and Zane's shoot forth from his wicked skull ring.  Consequently, it sorta feels like the end of SPACEBALLS."




 
 
 –"Now that's a thing of beauty."
"It sure is."
–"Oh, by the way– is there smoking in the skull cave?"


"Don't say that too loudly:  Billy Zane's thighs are apt to pop out of nowhere and strangle you unto unconsciousness.  In other words:  no smoking in the skull cave."

–Sean Gill


EDIT:  I just discovered the existence of the following vintage "Got Milk?" ad, and I must include it, without comment, for the sake of future generations.