Only now does it occur to me... BLADE: TRINITY (2004)

Only now does it occur to me... that while BLADE: TRINITY is primarily a vehicle for Ryan Reynolds to improvise proto-DEADPOOL one-liners

as Wesley Snipes offers stone-faced reactions (because he allegedly spent all of his time in his trailer and emerged only to shoot hasty reaction shots with stand-ins who were not spouting unscripted lines like "cock-juggling thundercunt");



and while it is likely the only time we will see Patton Oswalt play a 'Q'-style gadget-master;


and while it is far from the only time we will see James Remar standing around, looking bewildered, and waiting for his paycheck to clear;


and while it affords Natasha Lyonne the opportunity to issue an infodump of expository bullshit while looking stoned out of her mind;


it IS, however, the only time (thus far) you will see Parker Posey as a vampire archaeologist. A vampire archaeologist!




Diggin' up Dracula! I mean, that's objectively incredible.

Damn you, BLADE: TRINITY, for being so mediocre, and yet offering such a vision of what could have been. In this instance, "what could have been" is a movie exclusively starring Parker Posey as a vampire archaeologist. Kinda RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, but she's more afraid of garlic than snakes or whatever.

Later, she dons a white-collar power suit, and struts around like she's the lead in a vampire-themed DEVIL WEARS PRADA.

This, too, is a movie I would champion.

In fact, maybe the problem with most movies is that they don't star Parker Posey as the vampire version of some existing archetype. Imagine any movie you can and then add "Vampire Parker Posey" to the mix. Just try it.

A new version of CITIZEN KANE. Improved by Vampire Parker Posey. She adds a hint of the Gothic and some snobbish wit to the second act. She tells Charles Foster Kane to "Wipe that face off your head, bitch!"

A retelling of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. The monoliths were placed by Vampire Parker Posey so she could drink the blood of a few astronauts. Done.

SUNSET BOULEVARD. Remake it with Vampire Parker Posey as Vampire Norma Desmond. I would watch the hell out of that. So would you.

Anyway, I'm off to study some vampire archeology. Will wonders never cease?

Only now does it occur to me... HELLRAISER V: INFERNO (2000)

Only now does it occur to me... I can't believe I'm saying this––after the CD-ROM Cenobite-madness in part III and the Alan Smithee/poor man's James Cameron antics of part IV––that HELLRAISER V is... dare I say it... not... so bad. Written as an original horror script by Paul Harris Boardman and director Scott Derrickson, Dimension Films ordered it to be revamped and shoehorned into the HELLRAISER saga.

In a nutshell, HELLRAISER V: INFERNO is a hardboiled detective story that takes an immediate (shallow?) dive into JACOB'S LADDER territory.


For a straight-to-DVD title, the caliber of visual storytelling is strong, the scares are occasionally effective (if incredibly derivative), and it builds a disorienting, distinctly L.A. atmosphere that almost feels like discount David Lynch slumming in the Barker-verse. A lot of the scenes have that stilted, surreal quality common in Lynch's work, and there's even a nefarious, advice-dispensing cowboy played by LOST HIGHWAY's Michael Shamus Wiles who prefigures the one in MULHOLLAND DR.

Wiles brings that Lynchian intonation...


...and yes, that is also a Cenobite cowboy in the background.


Flickering fluorescent lighting? Check.


Whatever this is? Check.


Shades of THE SHINING, as well.

It stars NIGHTBREED's Craig Sheffer (which lends it a little Clive Barker-esque continuity), as a "bad lieutenant" having a bad week with little support from his partner, lesser Turturro sibling Nick.

There's also an unusually soulful performance from a beardy James Remar (THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS.) who sorta looks like Fisher Stevens here.

We'll always have RENT-A-COP.

I mean, maybe my judgment is clouded by the memory of HELLRAISER IN SPACE, but there are some nearly subtle things at play here––a sort of Egoyan-style chiaroscuro and interest in mass media alienation,

one-liners like "I'll send you some candy at Christmas!" or "Are you gonna frisk me or fuck me?," and finally, in a wondrously head-scratching moment, a martial arts assault perpetrated by (non-Cenobite) Japanese cowboys who look like they should be in a hair metal band.

Obviously the best part.

You have to respect that. Also, despite being on the poster, Pinhead probably has about two minutes of screen-time, but I always thought he was best in small, effective doses. In the end, HELLRAISER V doesn't stick it's landing––it delivers a "twist," apparent from the outset, in an awkward, unnecessarily three-tiered denouement––but in terms of atmosphere and general competence, it's so far beyond its immediate predecessors that I have to give it a respectful head nod (but no slow clap).

Only now does it occur to me... BETRAYAL (a.k.a. LADY JAYNE: KILLER) (2003)

To begin "Lesser Lester" week:

Only now does it occur to me... that although it ended as hilariously and disastrously as a television series possibly can, and though it peaked near its halfway mark thanks to brilliant performances by Jimmy Smits and John Lithgow... in the end, I'm glad that DEXTER happened... even if only for the reason that it saved James Remar from being buried in movies like BETRAYAL (a.k.a. LADY JAYNE: KILLER).

James Remar is glad, too, even though he doesn't look it.

I believe I have isolated the exact moment when James Remar decides to phone in his performance.  It is while he is being held at gunpoint by his scene partner; literally, and perhaps also metaphorically.

Said scene partner is Erika Eleniak (former Playboy Playmate, BAYWATCH cast member, and UNDER SIEGE cake-jumper) who––to be fair––is really doing her best.

Conversely, James Remar has thrown in the towel.  He stares emptily, past the despair, past the paycheck, past the art and the craft.  He spends most of the film driving around in a car and on the phone, a hallmark of "we only have so-and-so on set for X amount of hours"-style filmmaking.

Don't worry, James.  If you behave yourself, there's a cameo in an X-MEN movie in it for you.

In case you were wondering what LADY JAYNE: KILLER actually is, it's an early 2000s Cinemax-style actioner directed by genre master Mark L. Lester (COMMANDO, CLASS OF 1984).  I apologize for the glib assessment, but this is a fruitless, through the motions thriller that most likely involved tax write-offs.  Adam "Not-Alec's-Brother" Baldwin (FULL METAL JACKET, D.C. CAB) is in this thing, too. 
What I'm essentially saying is that instead, you should go watch COMMANDO for the thirtieth time.

Only now does it occur to me... CRUISING

Only now does it occur to me... the four most unexpected bit parts in William Friedkin's heavy leather psychological thriller, CRUISING, are:

#1.  Joe Spinell, brilliant NYC character actor (THE GODFATHER, MANIAC, TAXI DRIVER, THE SEVEN-UPS, NIGHTHAWKS, VIGILANTE) appearing as a closeted, homophobic cop.  He's only present for a handful of scenes, but he imbues his character with equal measures of sleaze, torment, and a surprising pathos.

Joe and his sleazy pathos (in the passenger seat).


#2.  Ed O'Neill (known chiefly for his sitcom work on MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN and MODERN FAMILY, though occasionally as a David Mamet stock player) as a plain-talkin' detective.

He's pictured here to the right of real-life cop-turned-actor Randy Jurgensen, who's looking sorta like a poor man's Warren Oates.

He doesn't have too much to do here, but he brings a straightforward, simple-minded focus to his character, running down dead-end leads for his boss, an utterly beleaguered NYPD Captain (GOODFELLAS' Paul Sorvino).


#3.  Hey, look, it's Powers Boothe (EXTREME PREJUDICE, DEADWOOD, SOUTHERN COMFORT, RED DAWN, SIN CITY)!  Now here's where it starts to get really special.

As the "Hankie Salesman," he briefly explains the code system of the of colored pick-up bandanas to undercover cop Al Pacino.  While describing which hankies in which pockets denote blowjobs, hustling, golden showers, et al., he plays the character as a mix of affectionately annoyed and mildly disinterested.  Pacino says he'll go home and "think about it."  "I'm sure you'll make the right choice," says Powers, still bored.

 #4.  James Remar (THE WARRIORS, DEXTER, 48 HRS., BAND OF THE HAND, THE PHANTOM) as the dancin' roommate.

One of the main supporting characters, Ted (Don Scardino, who plays him as a lovable Bohemian like from TALES OF THE CITY), has a boyfriend who's a mildly (?) abusive dancer who's always on tour.  He's spoken of occasionally throughout the film.  We finally get a glimpse of the dancer near the end, and it's none other than James Remar, wearing short-shorts and waving a butcher knife around.  This was especially amusing to me because, though we never see his character dance in CRUISING, I believe this may have inspired his role in 1987's RENT-A-COP, where he plays a murderous and sweaty dancin' machine.

In closing, CRUISING is a well-made psychological thriller (Friedkin has always been a consummate craftsman who rarely draws attention to his technique) with some brilliant performances and featuring a very specific time and place. It fits nicely in his "cops on the edge" oeuvre, alongside TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. and THE FRENCH CONNECTION.

Only now does it occur to me... X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

Only now does it occur to me... that X-MEN: FIRST CLASS casts a few unexpected, terrific actors in its thankless bit parts (obviously, I'm not talking about lead villain Nazi-mutant Kevin Bacon, though he was indeed unexpected).

Ring-a-ding-ding

Let's see here– we have, in the DR. STRANGELOVE-style war room, 

none other than James Remar (48 HRS., THE WARRIORS, DEXTER) is wandering around the background as "US General," according to the end credits.

It's a waste– they should have at least had him dancing.

Also in the war room, Ray Wise (TWIN PEAKS, ROBOCOP) shows up for about five seconds as "Secretary of State."

This is definitely a waste– they should have had him cry-dancing.

Given the film's use of archival JFK footage and attempts to adhere to the timeline of the Cuban Missile Crisis, I suppose Ray Wise is technically playing Dean Rusk. For about five seconds.

Finally, in a slightly more substantial role, we have Michael Ironside as "Captain," doing his typical steel-jawed military hardass bit.  

He seems to be leading the forces of the American Navy during the final showdown, though for the most part he's only raising and lowering his binoculars, alternating between looking confused and concerned.

Concerned,

then

confused.

In all, I enjoyed this movie far more than I thought I would; and though I can complain that they underused three of my favorite actors, I can't really blame them for, in the face of an enormous budget, using the money to hire character acting legends to do glorified extra work.  Hell, if I had the money, I'd hire Michael Ironside to hang out at my apartment and do my laundry.

Film Review: THE PHANTOM (1996, Simon Wincer)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.

Tag-line: "SLAM EVIL!"

Notable Cast or Crew: Billy Zane (TITANIC, TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT), Kristy Swanson (DEADLY FRIEND, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER), Treat Williams (DEAD HEAT, HAIR), Catherine Zeta-Jones (ENTRAPMENT, THE MASK OF ZORRO), James Remar (RENT-A-COP, THE WARRIORS, 48 HRS.), Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (MORTAL KOMBAT, PEARL HARBOR), David Proval (INNOCENT BLOOD, THE SOPRANOS), Casey Siemaszko (THREE O'CLOCK HIGH, BACK TO THE FUTURE), Samantha Eggar (THE BROOD, CURTAINS), Jon Tenney (MASTERS OF HORROR: HOMECOMING, TOMBSTONE), Patrick McGoohan (THE PRISONER, SCANNERS, SECRET AGENT).
Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam (THE DEAD ZONE, LETHAL WEAPON 2, INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE, THE LOST BOYS).  Second unit directed by legendary stuntman Vic Armstrong (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, LIVE AND LET DIE, SUPERMAN, BLADE RUNNER, BRAZIL, RETURN OF THE JEDI).  Produced by Robert Evans (CHINATOWN, MARATHON MAN), Alan Ladd Jr. (BRAVEHEART, VILLAIN), and Joe Dante (GREMLINS, EERIE INDIANA), among others.

Best One-liner: "No smoking in the skull cave."

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"You know how I've been on a Billy Zane kick?"
–"Yeah, I guess."
"Well check out this one-sheet: look what I finally got my hands on."
–"SLAM EVIL?"
"No, THE PHANTOM!"
–"Well, it looks like it's called SLAM EVIL."
"No, it says THE PHANTOM.  See, down there."
–"Yeah, exactly.  It's all the way 'down there.'  So this movie is called 'SLAM EVIL' and it stars The Phantom.  Wait, is that Billy Zane?"
"Do you listen to anything I say?"
–"Not really.  Is it worth seeing?"
"Yeah.  It's good.  I mean, I use that word relatively."
–"I always assume you do."
"It's no TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT, is what I mean."
–"What could be?"
"Basically, it's a family-friendly swashbuckling superhero flick with a sense of fun and grand adventure.  It's a product of that four or five year span when Hollywood kept making pulpy and/or Art Deco-ish vintage comic book movies that the public didn't really want.  Stuff like DICK TRACY, THE ROCKETEER, THE SHADOW, and the like."
–"I love THE ROCKETEER."
"So do I.  I'm just saying it wasn't a super-tenable business model."
–"So what is THE PHANTOM?"
"He's a 1930s comic book hero who's become one of the best-selling and longest-running characters of all time. He's been the subject of serials, TV shows, video games and the like.

He's basically Indiana Jones combined with the Lone Ranger and DANGER: DIABOLIK.  And that ranks pretty high in my book."
–"I like Indiana Jones."
"Well, good, cause this thing is packed with Indy references, in no small part due to the participation of Jeffrey Boam (co-writer of LAST CRUSADE) and Vic Armstrong (stunt coordinator and Indy double for the entire trilogy).  There are fedoras; rope bridge scenes;

 Though this is a little more SORCERER than TEMPLE OF DOOM.

missing artifacts with magical, face-exploding powers; there's scenes where a talisman points the way on a map with a colored laser:

 From RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

 
 From THE PHANTOM.

similar locales and production design:
 
 From RAIDERS.


From PHANTOM.

and there's even an extended truck chase scene that features some of the exact, blow-by-blow choreography from the classic one in RAIDERS:



And one moment, with floating CGI skulls:
 
 almost prefigures the finale of an Indiana Jones movie that shall remain nameless."
–"Wow.
"Yeah."
–"I remember a way's back, you were trying to make the case that Billy Zane's eyes and eyebrows were the true stars of TITANIC.  How are they here?"
"Well, it's like how in CYBORG, we meet Van Damme's isolated leg before we even meet Van Damme.  Adhering to that logic, we naturally get an extreme closeup of Zane's gaze before we see the rest of him."

–"I think he can see into my soul!"
"Yeah, he can.  Also, speaking of TITANIC, there's a scene here where The Phantom pops up in a ladies' locker room on a boat– and promptly apologizes to the damsels."


–"Billy Zane being chivalrous on a boat... now I've seen everything!"
"Exactly.  He's a very polite superhero, not unlike, as I said, The Lone Ranger, Superman, or perhaps Adam West's take on Batman.  Here he is, taking a moment out of an action sequence to pick up and return an old lady's purse."

–"Very nice."
"Also, he gives Kristy Swanson some black pearls in a scene eerily reminiscent of when he gave Kate Winslet 'The Heart of the Ocean' in TITANIC."

–"Kristy Swanson!  I had quite the crush on her, back when I first saw DEADLY FRIEND."
"Yeah, well now you can relive that torrid affaire de coeur all over again."
–"So wait, exactly what the hell is going on here?"
"It's a bit of a hodgepodge.  There's evil international corporations, vast pirate conspiracies, magical skulls, tribal sorcery, gunplay, horseplay, swordplay, wordplay, spandex-play..."
–"Who else is in this thing?"
"Our big villain is Treat Williams, who knows exactly what movie he's in, and he's knockin' it out of the park.  A typical scene might see him greedily clasping a magic skull and moaning, 'Ohhhhh, baby!'

Conversely, his top henchman, played by James Remar, is so used to playing it straight, he's struggling with the tone a little bit.  He plays it sort of like 'Indiana Jones gone to the dark side,' but it feels occasionally awkward.  Somehow this works in the film's favor."

–"You mean like that scene in TEMPLE OF DOOM when Harrison Ford drinks the Blood of Kali and acts like he's kicking heroin?"
"Let's forget about that for a minute.  He also gets to rock out some 'Gestapo chic' when he's fighting The Phantom in the city.  Plus, his counterpart is a villainous henchwoman played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, hereafter to be referred to as 'CZJ.'  This movie might be CZJ's finest hour."
 
–"Can we not do that?  The CZJ thing?'
"Ohhh, okay.  Anyway, she's out of control and cartoonish, like a secondary villain from CARMEN SANDIEGO.  If she had a mustache, she'd be twirling it.  The beauty of her performance can be distilled in a twenty-seven second video I have entitled 'Kristy Swanson and Catherine Zeta-Jones' Finest Slap Battles.'"

–"Intense!"
"I'll say.  Finally, there's a nice tertiary villain bit by David Proval, a notorious 'gangster-character-actor' whose performances often genuinely scare me."

–"That's all well and good, but it seems to me you're giving Billy Zane the short shrift here.  Is he not Ama-Zane-ing?"
"Oh, the Zane Factor is pretty high.  It's hard to believe this was nearly a Joel Schumacher movie starring Dolph Lundgren–"
–"WHAAAAT?!"
"Yeah, at least he got to make THE PHANTOM... OF THE OPERA, eventually.  Hell, and before that, directors from Joe Dante to Sergio Leone have wanted to take a crack at The Phantom."
–"You're blowing my mind.  Who would have been Leone's Phantom?"
"I could see Eastwood, Coburn, or Bronson, frankly.  But back to Zane.  Yes, he's ama-Zane-ing, or whatever, it's just that the role isn't one of his flashiest.  Don't despair, though, there are some fine moments.  For instance, off the top of my head:

BILLY ZANE WILL LEAP OFF A HORSE AND


ONTO THE HOOD OF A TRUCK, BUT JAMES REMAR WON'T NOTICE FOR HALF A SECOND


...AND THEN HE WILL NOTICE



BILLY ZANE WILL LOUNGE AROUND, HALF-NUDE, TALKING TO HIS DEAD DAD (WHO IS PATRICK MCGOOHAN)



BILLY ZANE WILL PET THE TIGER


(WHO, INCIDENTALLY, WAS PROVIDED BY ANIMALS R US)



BILLY ZANE WILL HITCH A RIDE ON THE UNDERBELLY OF A PLANE, LIKE HE'S ROBERT DE NIRO IN CAPE FEAR



 BILLY ZANE'S THIGHS WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE


AND STRANGLE YOU


TILL YOU PASS OUT

–"Holy cow!"
"Yup.  Naturally, all of this leads up to a final confrontation where Zane and Williams face off while wielding magical lasers; Williams' emanate from the purloined skull, and Zane's shoot forth from his wicked skull ring.  Consequently, it sorta feels like the end of SPACEBALLS."




 
 
 –"Now that's a thing of beauty."
"It sure is."
–"Oh, by the way– is there smoking in the skull cave?"


"Don't say that too loudly:  Billy Zane's thighs are apt to pop out of nowhere and strangle you unto unconsciousness.  In other words:  no smoking in the skull cave."

–Sean Gill


EDIT:  I just discovered the existence of the following vintage "Got Milk?" ad, and I must include it, without comment, for the sake of future generations.