Thursday, December 13, 2018

Only now does it occur to me... BLADE: TRINITY

Only now does it occur to me... that while BLADE: TRINITY is primarily a vehicle for Ryan Reynolds to improvise proto-DEADPOOL one-liners

as Wesley Snipes offers stone-faced reactions (because he allegedly spent all of his time in his trailer and emerged only to shoot hasty reaction shots with stand-ins who were not spouting unscripted lines like "cock-juggling thundercunt");

and while it is likely the only time we will see Patton Oswalt play a 'Q'-style gadget-master;

and while it is far from the only time we will see James Remar standing around, looking bewildered, and waiting for his paycheck to clear;

and while it affords Natasha Lyonne the opportunity to issue an infodump of expository bullshit while looking stoned out of her mind;

it IS, however, the only time (thus far) you will see Parker Posey as a vampire archaeologist. A vampire archaeologist!

Diggin' up Dracula! I mean, that's objectively incredible.

Damn you, BLADE: TRINITY, for being so mediocre, and yet offering such a vision of what could have been. In this instance, "what could have been" is a movie exclusively starring Parker Posey as a vampire archaeologist. Kinda RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, but she's more afraid of garlic than snakes or whatever.

Later, she dons a white-collar power suit, and struts around like she's the lead in a vampire-themed DEVIL WEARS PRADA.

This, too, is a movie I would champion.

In fact, maybe the problem with most movies is that they don't star Parker Posey as the vampire version of some existing archetype. Imagine any movie you can and then add "Vampire Parker Posey" to the mix. Just try it.

A new version of CITIZEN KANE. Improved by Vampire Parker Posey. She adds a hint of the Gothic and some snobbish wit to the second act. She tells Charles Foster Kane to "Wipe that face off your head, bitch!"

A retelling of 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. The monoliths were placed by Vampire Parker Posey so she could drink the blood of a few astronauts. Done.

SUNSET BOULEVARD. Remake it with Vampire Parker Posey as Vampire Norma Desmond. I would watch the hell out of that. So would you.

Anyway, I'm off to study some vampire archeology. Will wonders never cease?


jocko botsi said...

Parker Posey has always picked the best "paycheck" movies in between all the indies she does, Scream 3, Josie and the Pussycats, Superman Returns, are a few.

Sean Gill said...


Oh, definitely! And she's a master at stealing every scene she's in.

John Weddell said...

How about the actual appearance of Dracula in the movie? Inexplicably rebranded as 'Drake' and wearing a pearl-white man blouse with leather kecks and a chunky chain, tearing up a goth shop in outrage at the liberties taken with his legacy, he's been the source much amusement for me.
The appearance of the Reynolds pubic zone is also a distressin' moment.

Sean Gill said...

Ha––and hoo boy, you're right that there is plenty to unpack here that I didn't explore. Perhaps I, unlike vampire archaeologist Parker Posey, came to the belief that some Draculas are better left unearthed!