Film Review: JINGLE ALL THE WAY (1996, Brian Levant)

Stars: 2.9 of 5.
Running Time: 94 minutes.
Tag-line: "Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners."
Notable Cast or Crew:  Arnold Schwarzenegger (COMMANDO, PREDATOR), Sinbad (FIRST KID, GOOD BURGER), Phil Hartman (SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE), Rita Wilson (SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, FRASIER), Robert Conrad (THE WILD WILD WEST, YOUNG DILLINGER), Martin Mull (ROSEANNE, MRS. DOUBTFIRE, O.C. & STIGGS), Jake Lloyd (THE PHANTOM MENACE), James Belushi (THE PRINCIPAL, RED HEAT), Harvey Korman (THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, BLAZING SADDLES), Richard Moll (NIGHT COURT, HOUSE), Yeardley Smith (MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, HERMAN'S HEAD), Curtis Armstrong (BETTER OFF DEAD, RISKY BUSINESS, REVENGE OF THE NERDS, ONE CRAZY SUMMER), Paul Wight (the wrestler known as "The Giant" and "The Big Show").  Written by Randy Kornfield (EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS, SWEET REVENGE).  Directed by Brian Levant (BEETHOVEN, PROBLEM CHILD 2, THE FLINTSTONES '94).  Produced by Chris Columbus (HOME ALONE, ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING).
Best One-liner:  "WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD EAT MY COOKIES?!"

JINGLE ALL THE WAY.  A film which lives on in infamy, and perhaps rightfully so; featuring the rubbery facial contortions of Arnold Schwarzenegger and the raving line readings of 90s institution and bad-sweater-expert Sinbad; a film which first brought STAR WARS pariah Jake Lloyd to national attention;

a film which combines the lowbrow slapstick of HOME ALONE, the aesthetics of the POWER RANGERS, and the general, ineffable awkwardness of, say, a live action FLINTSTONES movie.  This film truly is a product of its progenitors:  from Brian Levant and Chris Columbus, masters of block-headed 90s comedy and makers of PROBLEM CHILD 2, THE FLINTSTONES IN VIVA ROCK VEGAS, SNOW DOGS, and THE NEW LEAVE IT TO BEAVER....  and, well, what did you expect?


Except it's sort of...how do I put this?... it's... not that bad.  And yet it is.  It exists in a phantom dimension of film-logic, an indescribable plane where quality becomes meaningless, where we accept that something like this can and does, in fact, exist.  It's the variety of film that induces throughout the thought that (THIS IS TERRIBLE! TERRIBLE!) and yet, as the end credits roll, you're left with the sense that yes, not only could it have been a lot worse, but that you genuinely enjoyed it.  Chalk it up to bad nog, the magic of the holidays, or the irresistible pull of Schwarzenegger doing his best impersonation of a living cartoon... it's a minor Christmas classic.

Not quite on par with, say, your DIE HARD or your BATMAN RETURNS or your GREMLINS, but I think we can still find a place under the tree for it, maybe way in the back next to the STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, CHRISTMAS EVIL, and JAWS: THE REVENGE.

And now, ten reasons why JINGLE ALL THE WAY is not quite so shameful and ignominious as to ruin Christmas:

10.  Let's just get this one out of the way.  Whether you caught JINGLE ALL THE WAY on its original theatrical run or on cable or if you've been crank-called by the Arnold Schwarzenegger soundboard, you undoubtedly know and love the sheer, unadulterated beauty of "PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN!  NOW!"
 
 
 

 9.  The team from Walter Hill's RED HEAT, reunited– Schwarzenegger and Belushi, together again!

Jim (he's only James in dramatic roles) shows up as a surly, underworld Santa with a warehouse of bootleg toys and an army of criminal Kris Kringles.

8.  The ensuing Santa Claus brawl, complete with candy cane nunchucks,

Arnie beating Santas with an oversized candy cane yard decoration, and an enormous berserker Santa (played by Paul Wight– the WCW's "The Giant" and the WWE's "The Big Show") who uses one-liners like "I'm gonna deck your halls, bub!"


7.  A (sort of) earnest attempt at an anti-consumerist message.
 JINGLE ALL THE WAY obviously focuses on last-minute holiday shopping and the diabolical marketing of the much-hyped "Big Toy" of the season, and though it never really aims any higher than slapstick, it still possesses a certain "ripped from the headlines" quality, what with the tramplings,
 
the macings,
 
and human beings acting like complete lunatics in the hopes of snagging overpriced, mass-produced rubbish.

Though, likely afraid of offending manufacturers or (gasp!) appearing even as mildly socialist as IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, the film undermines itself at several points.  For example, it places most of the anti-corporate polemic in the mouth of Sinbad, who raves maniacally and (dis)qualifies his statements with gems like "and I know what I'm talking about because I went to Junior College."  Furthermore, the idea that Turbo Man dolls were (and still are, I guess) actually sold subverts the ultimate, "family is better than consumer products" message of the film.  Ah, well.

6.  A nice bit by Chris Parnell (best known for SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, but in my mind, made a legend by his recurring role as "Dr. Spaceman" on 30 ROCK) as a gleefully derisive toy store clerk.


5.  In the tradition of such Arnie classics as COMMANDO and TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY, JINGLE ALL THE WAY sets an action sequence at a mall.


4.  And said action sequence culminates in Arnie stalking a bouncing superball all the way into a kiddie pit:

where his quasi-pedophilic countenance inspires mothers to beat him with their purses and bellow "Pervert!" in accusatory tones.

"IAHM NAAT A PUUHVERT."

3.  Schwarenegger cold-cocking an (animatronic) reindeer, which is just the sort of thing that probably wouldn't fly today.


 




2.  The brief appearance of 80s comedy standby and Cusack crony Curtis Armstrong as "Booster,"
 
the supremely hateable pink sabre-tooth tiger partner of Turbo-Man, who receives his wonderful, albeit completely undeserved comeuppance at the hands of sidekick-hating children.
 


1.  Which leads me to the final Christmas parade set-piece, featuring Phil Morris and Amy Pietz as pitch-perfect, Christopher Guest-ian local parade hosts,


 a ridiculous police float featuring a nutty, breakdancing trampoline cop (pictured: far left) worthy of being in the background of a Cannon Film,

and finally, the coup de grace– Arnie's turn as "Turbo-Man," played with a rubbery and childlike intensity

that reveals Schwarzenegger to be the biggest kid of all.  It is unclear if this is an acting choice or something inherent to his personality, but I think we all know the answer to that one.

Nearly three stars.

MAHHRRY CHRISSSMAS!

–Sean Gill

Film Review: THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985, Matthew Robbins)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 96 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Helen Slater (SUPERGIRL, CITY SLICKERS, RUTHLESS PEOPLE), Christian Slater (GLEAMING THE CUBE, TRUE ROMANCE), Richard Bradford (THE UNTOUCHABLES, MISSING), Peter Coyote (E.T., SOUTHERN COMFORT, SLAYGROUND), Keith Gordon (JAWS 2, CHRISTINE, DRESSED TO KILL), Dean Stockwell (BLUE VELVET; PARIS, TEXAS), Yeardley Smith (THE SIMPSONS, MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE). Music by The Divinyls, Pat Benatar, Billy Idol, Wendy O. Williams, & Craig Safan (the composer of CHEERS and THE LAST STARFIGHTER).
Tag-line: "The last thing she ever expected was to become a hero."
Best one-liner: "Hey, get your hand off that!" –"What, your sister? Or your fagmobile?"

Feeling like sort of a cross between LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: THE FABULOUS STAINS and BONNIE AND CLYDE, it may surprise some to learn that THE LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN is actually an adaptation of THE LEGEND OF MICHAEL KOHLHAAS, an 1811 novel based on historical events that took place in Saxony in the 1530's. It's a series of injustices that might seem trivial to a member of the ruling class (stolen horses or a trashed scooter), but which make all the difference in the world to someone eking out a poverty-laden existence (be it in a fiefdom or a trailer park). However, in adapting this story for mainstream 80's audiences, a lot gets lost in translation, and our suspension of disbelief undergoes some serious wear and tear. But it doesn't matter- pump up the power on that Pat Benatar, arch your burgeoning Slater eyebrows, and sing it loud- "FAIR IS FAIR!" The casting is perfect: Helen 'SUPERGIRL' Slater is striking, fiery, and determined.

Part Joan of Arc, part Travis Bickle, she riles up the masses with a genuine charisma and righteous indignation that make this movie so damned watchable.

Bleached blond Christian Slater (no relation) reveals, even at the tender age of 15, some of the smart-alecky greatness that was to come.

Note eyebrows.

Nicholson pal Richard Bradford is fantastic as a Stacy Keach-style skeeze who seems beyond the law:

Look at that curled lip, that sleazy stache, the gutter 'tude.

Peter Coyote embodies the beleaguered, good-hearted cop who's won over by the kids' plight:

Coyote: getting too old for this shit?

and Dean Stockwell (BLUE VELVET) is an a-hole politico whose rebellious wolfman-lovin' son (Keith Gordon) gets thrown into the mix. Yeardley Smith (Lisa from THE SIMPSONS) is a lovable hayseed, and we even get a bit part from quintessential Texas gal Caroline Williams ('Stretch' from TEXAS CHAINSAW 2). There's some ridiculous homoerotic mistreatment at the hands of some Golan/Globus-worthy jag-offs (in cut-offs), which ends with some homoerotic milkshake-pouring revenge:

Messing with young Slater leads to eyebrow action and....

SPLOOOSH

there's some classic '80's media circus' social commentary; there are not 1, not 2, not 3, but FOUR senseless lowblows; and Christian Slater gets to rock out a dress.

Note lipstick.

Yes, this is a cult classic. Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986, Stephen King)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 97 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Emilio Estevez, Yeardley Smith, AC/DC, Giancarlo Esposito.
Tag-line: "Who made who?" AND "Evil's wheels!"
Best one-liner(s): "Jesus is coming and he is pissed!" AND "If you don't get your hand off my leg, you're going to be wiping your ass with a hook next time you take a dump!"

Before I begin, I'd like you to take a gander at the poster pictured to the left. It's not often you get to see Stephen King emerging from a gash in the side of a giant bus and literally pulling the strings on the puppet that is Emilio Estevez. I think the last time a movie's director played such an absurd, puppet-master-type role in a film's marketing was when Cecil B. DeMille gave his little diatribe before THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. Or at least since Alfred Hitchcock's colorful commentaries during his trailers for his post-NORTH BY NORTHWEST output. Anyway. A scene from the MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE trailer: Stephen King stands before the camera, eyes bulging, beard neatly trimmed. Behind him is the Green Goblin big rig and main bad guy of the film. For some reason, music from HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH is playing. He turns to the camera. Turns to YOU. He outstretches his arm and points into your SOUL. The eyes on the Green Goblin turn BLOOD RED. King is bathed in crimson light.

He ferociously intones: "I'M GONNA SCARE THE HELL...OUTTA YOU!!!" So that, in a nutshell, IS "Maximum Overdrive." You'll note that the tagline, in eerie, watery script, proclaims... "Who made who?" Exactly. Man versus machine. Man versus soda machine, to be more specific.

That scene is brutal. This whole movie is brutal. Humans getting lawnmowered, pop-machined, tractored, steamrollered, run over, shot, zapped by Pac Man and Q-Bert, meat-sawed, tossed off bridges, burned, electrocuted, you name it. And then as if to pour salt into the wound of humanity's last gasp, the machines are totally rockin' out to AC/DC as they do it. Which is appropriate, because AC/DC means "Alternating Current, Direct Current," which is probably something machines would listen to.

-Sean Gill