Only now does it occur to me... SANTA WITH MUSCLES (1996)

Only now does it occur to me...  I never thought I'd witness a Christmas-themed off-brand lightsaber duel between Ed Begley, Jr. and Hulk Hogan.

 

 

And yet, this is indeed the final setpiece of SANTA WITH MUSCLES, a comedy-fantasy-actioner produced by Jordan Belfort, the real-life inspiration for THE WOLF OF WALL STREET. This last part actually makes sense, given that this is a movie which smacks deeply of money laundering.

I can give you a little more context, even though you haven't asked for it.

 

The premise of SANTA WITH MUSCLES is that Hulk Hogan plays a rich jerk who made his fortune in questionable dietary supplements

and spends his days lecturing his sizeable staff about philosophy, self-defense, and paintball.

During one of the Hulkster's paintball tournaments, his scofflaw behavior attracts the attention of the local police (depicted by Clint Howard, lending this a real New World Pictures/lesser Corman vibe).

In the subsequent chase sequence, the Hulkster suffers a brain injury leaving him convinced that he is Santa Claus.

When gang members mess with him at a local mall, the Hulkster's heroic actions––in character as Santa––earn him minor celebrity as "Santa With Muscles."'

Note: S&M accoutrement

This leads to his involvement with a local orphanage, which is under siege from the minions of mad scientist Ed Begley, Jr. The orphanage sits upon a cave of magic crystals which Begley, Jr. requires for his experiments (?).

The orphanage also contains the theatrical film debut of Mila Kunis,

who manages to emerge from this thing relatively unscathed, 

even though she is saddled with one-liners like "Keep your pants on, Q-tip!"

As far as I can tell, the only time she has been asked about this in adult life was during a 2011 interview with GQ. The following represents the extent of her public comment:

GQ: [asks about Santa with Muscles]

Mila Kunis: Jesus. You did not watch Santa with Muscles.

GQ: Fine. I watched the trailer on YouTube.

Mila Kunis: I was too young to fully understand the importance of working with Hulk Hogan. I just thought he was this huge man.

That's just shoddy journalism, GQ, only watching the trailer. That's why you come to Junta Juleil's Culture Shock, to learn all the important info the glossies and the trades are too lazy to tell you.

The orphanage also contains Adam Wylie, a.k.a. "the kid from PICKET FENCES,"

and Garrett Morris (SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE from 1975-1980, COOLEY HIGH, THE STUFF). The earnestness of Garrett's performance actually makes me sad that they made him do this. He deserves better.

Anyway, Begley Jr.'s interest in the magic crystal cave is what leads to the aforementioned ersatz lightsaber duel. It's not the first time that the Hulkster has flirted with a STAR WAR. Happy holidays, I suppose?

Only now does it occur to me... SUBURBAN COMMANDO (1991)

Only now does it occur to me...  that SUBURBAN COMMANDO––which takes ample inspiration from the original STAR WARS trilogy––may have brought inspiration to George Lucas himself.


The opening shot appears to be a Star Destroyer pursuing an X-Wing over Tatooine

But not to put the cart too far before the horse: SUBURBAN COMMANDO is the sci-fi bounty hunting family-friendly action-comedy that we, as a society, deserve. That is not to say that it is good in any objective sense, for it is not. It's no TWIN SITTERS, is what I'm saying.

Originally intended as an Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito vehicle, it ended up as a Hulk Hogan/Christopher Lloyd one, which is definitely weirder. The plot is this: interstellar commando The Hulkster has to recharge his batteries on Earth after a mission gone wrong.

Meanwhile, lily-livered suburban architect Christopher Lloyd is having a midlife crisis.

He lets himself get shoved around at work by an asshole boss and his marriage with Shelley Duvall is on the rocks

That's right, Shelley Duvall co-stars in a Hulk Hogan movie

because of implied erectile dysfunction and/or disinterest. What do you suppose the odds are that fish-out-of-water badass Hulk Hogan is going to turn his life upside down and teach him how to be a Real Man? Yep, it's that kind of movie.

Along the way, we have a poor man's Michael Ironside (William Ball, Tony nominee and opera director!) as an alien general and the Hulkster's greatest foe,

Jack Elam (ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, GUNFIGHT AT THE O.K. CORRAL) as a drunken army vet and neighborhood comic relief,

The Undertaker (!) and Tony Longo as evil bounty hunters (who easily could have been played by the Barbarian Brothers or Brian Thompson),

and a recurring gag where the Hulkster keeps trying to save a mime from what he imagines are invisible force fields, but ends up accidentally causing the mime bodily harm.

The Hulkster also wears these pants (the physical embodiment of 1991),

skateboards himself to greatness, flips a car, wears a tuxedo,

 

and does bicep curls with a jigsaw and a benchtop drill press.

Is any of this actually good? Does it matter? It really feels like a New World Picture, and I was surprised to find it was New Line, although it's definitely of a piece with other 90s New Line offerings like THE MASK, HOUSE PARTY, MR. NANNY, DROP DEAD FRED, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES, and MONKEY TROUBLE. Anyway, all's well that end's well,

and Christopher Lloyd is restored to masculine greatness, Shelley Duvall wears that hideous early 90s floral print dress, and the kids are alright, I guess, but they never got much screen-time to begin with. The Hulkster learns the virtues of relaxing, too, after he utters the line, "Sometimes I think I spend more time saving worlds than living in them."

Oh yeah, remember when I said this movie may have inspired George Lucas? Well, from the starships to Christopher Lloyd jokingly referring to the Hulkster as "Darth Vader," it's rife with the fingerprints of STAR WARS fandom (though the tone is closer to SPACEBALLS). However, the Hulkster sports a particular, hideous rat-tail braid behind his ear throughout


which I think might well have inspired the "padawan braid" worn throughout the STAR WARS prequels by young Jedi-in-training,

which may be one of the worst additions to that particular canon this side of midi-chlorians. An addition which would be made even more spectacular if George Lucas had once decided "hey, that looks cool!" during a viewing of SUBURBAN COMMANDO.