Only now does it occur to me... BEVERLY HILLS COP II

Only now does it occur to me... that the COBRA/BEVERLY HILLS COP connections have been overtly referenced on film.

So I'd known for some time that the script that became COBRA was originally written as "BEVERLY HILLS COP," and it was going to star Sylvester Stallone in the now iconic Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy) role. What I didn't know was that the makers of BEVERLY HILLS COP II decked out Billy Rosewood's (Judge Reinhold) home with Sylvester Stallone posters

RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II seen behind MIDNIGHT RUN's John Ashton.

including COBRA himself, who merits a confused look from Eddie Murphy.

Axel Foley, meet your grandfather/weird Cannon Film half-brother.


Then, Stallone continues to cast his shadow over BEVERLY HILLS COP II:  it co-stars crazed Dane, COBRA lead, and Stallone then-wife Brigitte Nielsen.

I have to say that I never thought I'd ever see a whacky, New Wave Nielsen attempt to assassinate Ronny Cox (DELIVERANCE, TOTAL RECALL, ROBOCOP) in broad daylight.


AIEEE!

So this movie is basically one big Stallone lovefest–

Er- let's not tell Sly about this, okay?

 P.S.– Also, is that Dean Stockwell?

Yeah, I guess so.  Hey, he doesn't really feel up to it, either.

Only now does it occur to me... SUPERMAN III

Only now does it occur to me...  oh, well allow me to explain.  I saw SUPERMAN III when I was kid, and while I successfully blocked most of it out, I definitely remembered sequences like "good Superman vs. evil Superman in the junkyard" and "villainous businesswoman transformed into robot" and "ski slope on top of skyscraper" and "Superman being a dick and ruining the Olympics."  You know, all the important stuff.  

Anyway, I decided (I don't know what got into me) to revisit this fine flick the other day, and was struck by the absolute lunacy of one scene in particular, so, here goes:  

Only now does it occur to me... that there is a scene in SUPERMAN III whereupon Richard Pryor, clad in a twenty-gallon foam cowboy hat, unveils a suitcase full of booze (including Kingsley Amis' favorite gin, Booth's)

and commences to get security guard Gavan O'Herlihy (the legendary reverse-mohawk'd villain Fraker from DEATH WISH 3) drunk as a skunk

so that he (Pryor) can hack into a computer and alter the orbit of a weather satellite so that he can ruin a crop of Columbian coffee because he's been blackmailed into doing so by Robert Vaughn who wants some petty revenge?!

And did I mention that all of this is accompanied by an instrumental version Roger Williams' Euro-pop-meets-country-western hit "They Won't Get Me," produced and synthesized by none other than sunglasses-wearing Italian madman Giorgio Moroder?  Madness, I tell you!

Only now does it occur to me... FOXES

Only now does it occur to me...

Okay, three things.

#1.  Continuing the Adrian Lyne rewatch (as previously glimpsed in silly observations on FLASHDANCE, UNFAITHFUL, and INDECENT PROPOSAL), I took a second look at FOXES, a coming-of-age drama that I'd last glimpsed as a youngster, via a library VHS.  It's actually still a solid movie, and well-acted, with fantastic 1980 flourish in the costumes, the random Randy Quaid, the glory of Scott Baio in a tuxedo t-shirt, the likably raw performance of Runaways lead singer Cherie Currie, and the ever-present Giorgio Moroder-produced soundtrack... there's a lot to like here, and the story is told in a way that's unflinching and authentic, making it feel like a definite precursor to "adult" teen fare like FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH.

#2.  An unexpected, super-young, super-nerdy, quasi-villanous performance from a thirteen-year-old Laura Dern!

If I were Donald Gibb in REVENGE OF THE NERDS, I just might say "Nice glasses, neeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!"

#3.  At one point, Cherrie Curie gets picked up while hitchhiking by a couple of leering, lecherous San Fernando Valley swingers who are so caricatured and clearly "evil" that they look they swung straight out of EATING RAOUL.  Now, I don't know if it's because it was late at night, or because I'd had a few drinks already, but it struck me suddenly that the swingers were the exact Bizarro versions of Faye Dunaway and William Shatner.  Amirite?

Well, maybe.  Anyway.  FOXES, ladies and gentlemen!

Film Review: TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 110 minutes.
Tag-line: "...It's a solo mission ... Yeah! ...And I'm going with him..."
Notable Cast or Crew: Tom Cruise, Anthony Edwards, Tom Skerritt, Tim Robbins, Michael Ironside, Val Kilmer, John Stockwell, Rick Rossovich, Kelly McGillis, Whip Hubley, Meg Ryan. Music by Harold Faltermeyer, Giorgio Moroder, Berlin, Kenny Loggins, Cheap Trick, Loverboy. (At one point, tracks from Toto, including their version of "Danger Zone" were to be included, but it was not to be.)
Best one-liner: "That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous!"

It has come to my attention that over time, viewers have apparently accused TOP GUN of containing 'homoerotic subtext.' Well, I'm here to tell you that it's a bunch of hogwash, hooey, n' bunkum. No way is an organization as hetero as the U.S. Navy (who had script approval and altered many already propaganda style sequences to make them even more like recruiting advertisements) going to infuse a film with homoerotic subt–

I'd say it was the right time
To walk away
When dreaming takes you nowhere
It's time to play
Bodies working overtime

PFFT–
Your money don't matter
The clock keeps ticking
When someone's on your mind
I'm moving in slow motion
Feels so good

It's a strange anticipation
Knock, knock, knocking on wood
Bodies working overtime
Man against man
And all that ever matters
Is baby who's ahead in the game
Funny but it's always the same
Playin', playin' with the boys
Playin', playin' with the boys
After chasing sunsets
One of life's simple joys
Is playin' with the boys
Said it was the wrong thing
For me to do I said it's just a boys' game
Girls play too
My heart is working overtime
In this kind of game
Someone gets hurt
I'm afraid that someone is me
If you want to find me,
I'll be Playin' with the boys
I don't want to be the moth around your fire
I don't want to be obsessed by your desire
I'm ready, I'm leaving
I've seen enough
I've got to go
You play too rough ...

Well said, Kenny Loggins. What's that other thing, the thing that's more important than the subtext? That thing that rides atop it? Ah, that's right... the text. So allow me to revise my statement: there is no homoerotic subtext in TOP GUN, there is only homoerotic text. Let's look at a sampling of said text, which should be read aloud as a free-form tone poem:

"Pull up, Cougar. Almost there."
"You need to be doing it better and cleaner than the other guy."
"I'd like to bust your butt."
"Slide into Cougar's spot."'
"Yes, I know the finger, Goose."
"I'm gonna break high and right, see if he's really alone."
"Splash that sucker, yeah!"
"Below the hard deck does count!"
"I want somebody's butt!"
"I want some butts!"
"God, buttnose!"

And, conversely, here's an example of subtext in TOP GUN- when serenaded by Top Gun pilots who croon, a cappella, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling," Kelly McGillis announces: "I've never seen that approach." Now here's that declaration once more, with subtext added in italics: "I've never seen that approach (outside of a piano bar)."

Now, ordinarily a propaganda puff-piece based off of a magazine article that has more implied gay sex than QUIET COOL should be guaranteed to entertain. But ah, there's a problem: as much as I want to like it, TOP GUN fails to recognize its inner fabulosity, gets caught up in too many lifeless dogfight sequences, and is altogether pretty dull. And I believe my working definition of the word "dull" is something along the lines of "the parts of a Michael Ironside movie where Michael Ironside is not present."

And that's precisely the problem. IRONSIDE is in TOP GUN! We've got the man on set already. Then the producers choose to give him nothing to do, and in as few scenes as possible. He's trying his best to maintain steadfast Canadian dignity in the midst of wall-to-wall sultry stares and steamy shenanigans that are pulling focus all over the place. He can't even teach a class without some wag hollering, "This gives me a hard-on!"

How is Ironside supposed to focus on his performance when right in front of him, Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are wrapped in an ocular embrace worthy of a Castellari flick? That look of confusion upon Ironside's face says it all––"Why didn't you say it was gonna be this kind of flick?––I could have brought in my pleather vest from VISITING HOURS."

So Ironside is criminally underused. How about the stuff in the plus column? Well, Loggins' "Danger Zone" is played, in its entirety––intro and all––three times. I can get behind that. Tom Skerritt is solid, too.

He gets a way beefier man part than Ironside and he doesn't waste it. The cinematography by Jeffrey L. Kimball (THE EXPENDABLES, JACOB'S LADDER, TRUE ROMANCE) is robust, vigorous, and stylish, and I think that every recruiting commercial for the Navy/Army/Air Force (besides this one) has borrowed heavily from it.



In the end, though, it pains me to report that for all the camp value and Anthony Edwards' 'stache, TOP GUN really doesn't hold up. Boys: commence playing with these two and a half-stars... and mind the sharp edges!



Odd side note: three of the cast members would go on to star (or co-star) in the first season of ER: Anthony Edwards, Rick Rossovich, and Michael Ironside.

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. DR. JEKYLL AND MS. HYDE (1995, David Price)
10. MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL (1997, Clint Eastwood)
11. 1990: BRONX WARRIORS (1982, Enzo G. Castellari)
12. FALLING DOWN (1993, Joel Schumacher)
13. TOURIST TRAP (1979, David Schmoeller)
14. THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1973, Richard Lester)
15. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986, John Carpenter)
16. TOP GUN (1986, Tony Scott)
17. ...

Film Review: THE NEVERENDING STORY II: THE NEXT CHAPTER (1990, George Miller)

Stars: 3 of 5.
Running Time: 89 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Jonathan Brandis (SEAQUEST, LADYBUGS), Kenny Morrison, John Wesley Shipp (DAWSON'S CREEK, THE FLASH), theme by Giorgio Moroder (OVER THE TOP, FLASHDANCE, CAT PEOPLE).
Tag-lines: "Begin an all new adventure as a young boy returns to a world of wonder on the wings of his imagination."
Best one-liner: "Ahh, but have you ever read a book twice? Books change each time you read them."

While largely 'just alright,' THE NEVERENDING STORY II: THE NEXT CHAPTER gets some extra points for nearly duplicating the hazy, entrancingly magical atmosphere of the original while not possessing any of the original actors, save for Koreander, the mysterious bookseller (Thomas Hill). Our new Bastian, Jonathan Brandis (R.I.P.) makes up in charisma what he lacks in acting chops;

and his dad, Barney (John Wesley Shipp), has a sort of bad 80's faux-Bruce Campbell charm that makes him immensely watchable.

The film's heart is in the right place, too, (which is more than can be said for the third installment), and it tackles, like part one, some semi-weighty issues for kids, such as the destructive power of existential, unimaginative 'nothingness' and the importance of memories as perhaps your only possession of any real worth. All this, and it looks a helluva lot like David Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes" music video, so score some points for it in the camp column.



There's mind-blowing costumes; whacked-out creatures; vaginal-looking monsters; a zany bird-man that could be Howard the Duck's cousin; and Rockbiter's utterly macabre son, Rockbiter Junior.

There's an amazing character development scene at the beginning where Bastian freaks out and spills a lot of different things in the kitchen. 'Whoa! Look at this unfocused kid, spilling things! He needs to learn some serious life lessons!' And the big denouement involves slow-motion leaping (and truly the 80's were the decade of slow-motion leaping, if nothing else), so that's definitely a good thing. Fun, fanciful, and more than capable of inducing a few good spit-takes, so I gotta give this thing three stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: FLASHDANCE (1983, Adrian Lyne)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 95 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Jennifer Beals, Michael Nouri (who never really went anywhere else except for THE HIDDEN with Clu Gulager), Joe Eszterhas (co-writing here), Joe "Bean" Esposito with his smash hit "Lady Lady Lady," Giorgio Moroder, Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson, Laura Branigan, Irene Cara, Karen Kamon, Michael Sembello (and his seminal song "Maniac," Donna Summer, and Shandi.

Tag-line: "Something happens when she hears the music...it's her freedom. It's her fire. It's her life."

Best one-liner(s): "I'll bring him a doggy bag if you'll have dinner with me." "I told you, I don't think it's a good idea to go out with the boss." "Okay. Have it your way. You're fired. I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight."

"Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night, lookin' for the fight of her life...in the real-time world no one sees her at all, they all say she's cra-ay-zy..." This tale of a high-steppin', leg-warmer wearin' welder who aspires to something greater will dance its way into your heart, leave you limp with excitement, and then when you're sitting there- all sweaty and out of breath- it's gonna pour a bucket of water all over you, just because it can.

I haven't seen the camera linger on pulsating, perspiring, toned bodies this much since PERFECT. Or at least since RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II. I think the thing I love the most is the fact that these blue-collar, Budweiser-swiggin' factory Joes congregate nightly at a club with acts that combine neo-avant-garde dance, makeup and glitter that belong on Klaus Nomi,

and costumes straight from 80's Milan Fashion Week (watch for inappropriate use of an umpire's mask during "Manhunt"),

which, of course, all go really well with beer nuts and men who'd rather be committing hate crimes.

The film is produced by action/adventure legend Jerry Bruckheimer and helmed by director Adrian Lyne (9 1/2 WEEKS, FOXES), who really knows how to hammer out a solid relationship drama. The end result is a very likable movie with likable leads that has enough ridiculous dance scenes to cement its mainstream AND cult statuses. This of course all leads to an amazing denouement where Jennifer Beals gets to strut her stuff before the stodgy board of an elite ballet academy. Needless to say, she pulls out some moves that, though they may induce spit-takes in the viewer, get those pencil-necked admissions reps' toes a-tappin.' Would anyone like to place bets on whether or not it ends on a freeze frame? What a feeling, indeed.

-Sean Gill

COMING SOON: Two addenda to this review, analyzing the postmodern reverberations FLASHDANCE caused with Lucio Fulci's 1984 MURDERROCK and then David A. Prior's 1986 KILLER WORKOUT.