Only now does it occur to me... VIRTUOSITY (1995)

Only now does it occur to me... that VIRTUOSITY (1995) is perhaps Ridley Scott's favorite movie.

What––you don't believe me? That a film directed by Brett Leonard (THE LAWNMOWER MAN, SIEGFRIED AND ROY: THE MAGIC BOX, Billy Idol's "Shock to the System" music video) would be Ridley's fave? I promise I'll convince you. But first, some background.

Penned by underrated genre scribe Eric Bernt (SURVIVING THE GAME, ROMEO IS BLEEDING), it's a post-DEMOLITION MAN/GHOST IN THE MACHINE cyberpunk fable of a murderous A.I.––in this case, a virtual "serial killer" training program (Russell Crowe)––who escapes into the real world to battle his nemesis, a jailed and hardboiled cop (Denzel Washington). I'd say that it draws some tonal inspiration from Ridley Scott's BLADE RUNNER and BLACK RAIN––for instance, there's a scene where Crowe's A.I. come-to-life encounters an older, bartender-model robot (Kevin Loreque, in a great, butoh-adjacent performance),

 and is made so existentially uncomfortable that he "retires" him, á la BLADE RUNNER:

In general, I must note that this movie is majestically entertaining. Allow me to submit, for your consideration, a scene where Russell Crowe jaunts down the street in a '90s zoot suit while homaging SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and receives his very first high-five––a moment which calls for serious and immediate contemplation.

 

Or this scene, where Russell Crowe rocks out, in concert, with some theremin-style 1990s musical accoutrement.

The film features John Waters'-own Traci Lords as a cyberpunk nightclub singer, 

and even brings us the mind-boggling occurrence of a Debbie Harry/non-David Byrne Talking Heads song called "No Talking Just Head" which, I guess, attempts to subtly satirize the Talking Heads' existence while mostly sounding like an ersatz Nine Inch Nails banger. This plays over the end credits and just feels like the perfect capper for the madness we've just witnessed.

But I don't want to stray too far from my main point, which is that "VIRTUOSITY is Ridley Scott's favorite movie." Now, I may have amply demonstrated the "whys" and "hows" of VIRTUOSITY becoming someone's favorite movie, but I haven't fully illustrated the Scott connection.

You're probably thinking: Oh, yeah, you're going to remind us that Ridley Scott is a maniac for Russell Crowe and casts him in all of his movies. He even cast Crowe and Denzel Washington in AMERICAN GANGSTER (2007), and reversed their roles, with Crowe as the cop pursuing Washington's criminal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're absolutely right, I think that's a point worth discussing. But I sense you pushing back already. 

Well, that's not enough to prove your hypothesis, buddy––you're making a serious claim about Sir Ridley Scott's rarefied tastes, and you don't have the receipts!

I hear your skepticism. I hear it loud and clear. But what if I told you that most of the supporting roles also had a latter-day Scott connection? Stephen Spinella ended up in the Scott-produced NUMB3ERS... and Junta Juleil Hall-O-Famer William Forsythe (THE ROCK, EXTREME PREJUDICE)

appeared in the Scott-produced MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE... the great William Fichtner (GO, HEAT, DRIVE ANGRY, THE DARK KNIGHT) 

was also later cast by Scott in BLACK HAWK DOWN (2001). (Oh yeah, and in this screencap, Fichtner appears next to none other than Louise "Nurse Ratched" Fletcher.) Who's to say that he didn't bring these folks into the Scott fold because he was such a VIRTUOSITY fanatic?

I am. These are all working actors, bub––having them pop up in a subsequent Scott project doesn't prove diddly.

Okay, I can accept that. But how about a canister of primordial, life-giving goo which lends Russell Crowe's A.I. a corporeal form:

 

isn't that exactly like the "concept of Alien life" promulgated by the Engineers in Scott's PROMETHEUS (2012)?

Maybe, but it's not terribly original here, nor in PROMETHEUS. You gotta give me something more substantial.

Alright, here it is: Russell Crowe bursts into an ultimate fighting championship––a modern gladiatorial game, if you will, not unlike Scott's GLADIATOR (2000)––and backflops (that's correct, it's more of a backflop than a backflip) into the ring, and offers not one, but two General Maximus-meets-Vince McMahon"Are you entertained?" gestures to the crowd.

Roll the tape:

Well, that's pretty spot-on, actually, you might be saying. Say, this is all pretty weird. Is it possible that Ridley Scott really does love VIRTUOSITY above all other films?

To which, I say––well, 1995 was a good year. Not "a good year" like Ridley Scott's 2006 Russell Crowe-vehicle wine-country drama "A GOOD YEAR," but a good year nonetheless:

Book 'em, Danno. I says: case closed.

Only now does it occur to me... THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD

Only now does it occur to me... that even in a movie where he's in a wheelchair,

Note the wig.

Christopher Walken manages to shoehorn in... a dance sequence!


Granted, it's via a short-lived flashback, but boy oh boy does the man love to dance.

In all, THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU'RE DEAD is sort of a mediocre "Guys Doing a Job" crime movie, injected with 90s indie quirkiness and a slightly out-of-place existential tone.  Clearly, the Weinsteins were trying to capture some Tarantino-ish lightning in a bottle once again, but it doesn't quite take.   However, the Guys Doing the Job are a terrific ensemble, as Andy Garcia assembles a team that includes trailer trash William Forsythe, sporting rainbow-colored tattoos and looking like his character from STONE COLD:

Christopher Lloyd as a crabby porno theater projectionist who's always complaining about how he just "lost a toe!":

Treat Williams as a psychotic ex-boxer and current funeral home employee who trains using corpses as punching bags:


and Bill Nunn, shot from low angles like his character Radio Raheem from DO THE RIGHT THING:

Bill Nunn in Denver...

...and Bed-Stuy.

Plus, we got Fairuza Balk as a streetwalker

doing that same sassy/punk/smartass thing she does in almost every 90s movie, but that's why we love her.

And closing it out over here is Steve Buscemi as "Mister Shhh," the master hitman––

 

who feels more like a character from a Rodriguez film instead of this one, but I s'pose that's fine, too. 

In all, a 90s curiosity that's far from essential viewing––but it does function as a tremendous repository of bizarre and brilliant acting choices.

Television Review: MASTERS OF HORROR––"WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM" (2007, Tom Holland)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.
Running Time: 57 minutes.

Tag-line: "I scream... you scream..."

Notable Cast or Crew: Based on a short story by John Farris (THE FURY).  Starring Lee Tergesen (WAYNE'S WORLD, OZ, GENERATION KILL), Willliam Forsythe (CLOAK AND DAGGER, EXTREME PREJUDICE, THE ROCK), Quinn Lord (TRICK 'R TREAT, Joe Dante's THE HOLE), Ingrid Tesch (REPLICANT, MVP: MOST VALUABLE PRIMATE), Colin Cunningham (BEST IN SHOW, THE SIXTH DAY), and Brett Kelly (BAD SANTA, TRICK 'R TREAT).  Executive produced by Mick Garris (THE SHINING '97, THE STAND '94).  Special makeup effects by Greg Nicotero and Howard Berger (DAY OF THE DEAD, ARMY OF DARKNESS, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN).  Directed by Tom Holland (FRIGHT NIGHT, FATAL BEAUTY, CHILD'S PLAY).

Best One-liner: "It's time for dessert... just dessert!"

 In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"Heya, bud."
–"What're we watching now?"
"MASTERS OF HORROR: WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM."
–"Oh, come on, I thought we were done with these."
"We're not done till I say we're done.  Come on, they're not all bad."
–"But now we're in the dregs.  We're in the dregs, man."
"Is Tom Holland the dregs?  Tom 'CHILD'S PLAY' Holland?  Tom 'FRIGHT NIGHT' Holland?"
–"Well... no.  But MASTERS OF HORROR doesn't really have the best track record.  I mean, Mick Garris is calling the shots."
"Yeah, but there's been some pretty good ones.  John Carpenter's CIGARETTE BURNS, Lucky McKee's SICK GIRL, John Landis' FAMILY...  plus, it finally brought together Dario Argento and Steven Weber under the same freaky flag!"
–"Okay, okay.  So how's WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM?"
"Erm... not too good."
–"Then why are we doing this?"
"Because we're completists, goddamit!  And because it's Halloween."
–"Fine.  So what's it about?"
"It's based on a short story by John Farris, but the shadow of Stephen King looms pretty large over this one.  Holland is no stranger to King, either– he adapted THE LANGOLIERS and THINNER, and is currently in pre-production on THE TEN O'CLOCK PEOPLE.  Anyway, the plot goes like this: nearly thirty years ago, a group of kids were involved in a traumatic event involving a clown.  Today, the last of the children returns home to his small town where the clown may or may not be back, attacking them one by one.  Did I mention that there's stuttering and vintage bullies as well?"
 
Vintage bullies.  Pretty frightening.  The one on the left is pretending to smoke, and yes, the one on the right is the kid from BAD SANTA.

–"Terrifying."
"Does any of this sound familiar to you?"
–"Uh... it's IT."
"Exactly.  And as our lead, they've cast Lee Tergesen, who definitely reminds me of Richard Thomas, the actor who played 'Stuttering Bill' in the 1990 miniseries of IT."

 Richard Thomas in IT.


Lee Tergesen in WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM.

 –"Well isn't that something?"
"Yeah.  Plus, CHRISTINE even shows up."

–"Wow."
"Unfortunately, all the Stephen King references in the world can't make this a great movie.  But it's still somewhat decent because of the killer clown."
–"Isn't that 'Killer Klown'?"
"Not in this instance."
 –"Wait... don't tell me... Tim Curry?"
"Nah, but nearly as good:  unhinged character actor extraordinaire William Forsythe.  He worked on a Tom Holland script previously, the dark 80s kiddie spy thriller CLOAK AND DAGGER.  But you may know him better for smokin' crack and scarin' Seagal in OUT FOR JUSTICE, stabbin' rats and killin' things in EXTREME PREJUDICE, or smackin' nuts and shootin' beer cans with an Uzi in STONE COLD."

–"Hot damn!"
"And that picture above is when he's the living, 'nice guy' clown.  See, Forsythe is so good, he can fluently deliver tear-jerkin' pathos or petrifyin' sadism– or, if need be, a combination of the two.  At first, he plays 'Buster the Friendly Clown'– a mentally disabled, ice cream truck-drivin' friend to children.  He's legitimately likable.  You'd trust your kids with this guy.  Theoretically.  Later, when he's 'Buster the Undead Revenge-Seeking Monster,' not so much.

–"AIEEE!"
"Yeah, Howard Berger and Greg Nicotero do a pretty good job with this one.  Elsewhere, people melt down like ice cream, and the effect is convincing:


 it reminds me of something out of FRIGHT NIGHT or EVIL DEAD.  But they must have run out of money along the way because what should be the show-stopping final effect is instead some pretty lazy CGI."
–"That's too bad."
"Eh."
–"Anything else?"
"Yeah, sure.  Like the horror classic HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, which incessantly plays a version of 'London Bridge is Falling Down' with the lyrics 'X more days to Hallo-ween, Hallo-ween, Hallo-ween...' etc., WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM repeats the eponymous song (in William Forsythe's creepy, a cappella drawl) over and over and over again."
–"Hey, I like HALLOWEEN III.  Don't you like it?" 
"No.  I love it.  But that's beside the point.  By the fiftieth time I heard "I scream, you scream, we all scream..." etc., I started wondering if I was wrong about the Stephen King pastiche."
–"Whaddya mean?"
"Since it was Tommy Lee Wallace who did the adaptation of IT and who directed HALLOWEEN III, and who did FRIGHT NIGHT PART 2, the sequel to the Tom Holland original, what if this thing is the world's first Tommy Lee Wallace pastiche?"
–"That's ridiculous."
"Yeah, you're right.  Two and a half stars."

–Sean Gill

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4.  EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002, Ellory Elkayem)

5. ...

Film Review: STONE COLD (1991, Craig R. Baxley)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 92 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brian Bosworth (ONE TOUGH BASTARD, THREE KINGS), Lance Henriksen (ALIENS, NEAR DARK), Arabella Holzbog (CARNOSAUR 2, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE), William Forsythe (EXTREME PREJUDICE, THE ROCK, OUT FOR JUSTICE), Richard Gant (ROCKY V, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, "Hostetler" on DEADWOOD), Evan James (HARD TO KILL, PENTATHLON). Produced by Yoram Ben-Ami (LONE WOLF MCQUADE, 3 NINJAS KICK BACK), Moshe Diamant (TIMECOP, HARD TARGET), Gary Wichard (BLACKOUT, C.O.D.), Walter Doniger (also the writer), Michael Douglas (BASIC INSTINCT, FALLING DOWN), Nick Grillo (YOUNGBLOOD, GODS & GENERALS), Udi Nedivi (BLOOD RUN, SUPER 8), and Rick Bieber (FLATLINERS, DOUBLE IMPACT). Stunt coordinated by Paul Baxley (ACTION JACKSON, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER), with some stunts by Al Leong (LETHAL WEAPON, DIE HARD).
Tag-line: "He'll burn you cold."
Best one-liner: "This reminds me of my father's last words: 'Don't son, that gun is loaded!'"

Vast, ominous technological forces seem to have aligned against your experiencing my recommendation of STONE COLD until today. But that's just fine. STONE COLD can wait. It's capable of "burning you cold," anytime, anywhere.

Allow me to paint you a vivid picture. Imagine if a freak industrial accident resulted in the unholy fusion of COBRA, ROAD HOUSE, and DEATH WISH 3 into one movie. Now imagine that this movie is written and directed by ZZ Top in a parallel universe where they went to film school instead of recording hit songs like "Tush." Now imagine that it stars ex-NFLer-turned-thespian Brian "The Boz" Bosworth, and you have a rudimentary concept of what the STONE COLD experience is like.

Let me put it this way– within the first five minutes of this film, we have Ritz crackers getting machine-gunned to hell,


a poor man's Tom Cruise taking a girl with massive orthodontia hostage and telling her to keep quiet, "TINSEL TEETH!",

we have The Boz (clad in a leather-fetish-wear version of Sherlock Holmes' jacket-cape and possessing an incredible two-tone, wavy-molded mullet) calmly shopping for bananas,

then the bad guys taken care of by The Boz with the aid of several random grocery items (including vegetable oil, pastries, and canned goods), followed by a one-liner about a "clean-up in aisle four,"

a completely ludicrous "bikers behaving badly" montage, whereupon William Forsythe gets William Tell'd and basks in the pinwheeling glory of gun-blasted beer foam,

I'm sure I could come up with a one-liner about too much head in the beer or something, but incidentally, this is only way that Forsythe imbibes, on or off a set.

followed by Forsythe pulling the same trick on another biker with an Uzi, a crazed act which results in a random car explosion and glorious peals of frenzied Forsythe laughter– no sir, this is not garden variety lunacy.

Oh yeah, and in case you've forgotten, I'm still working on the rundown of "things that happen within the first five minutes of STONE COLD." Finally, we're treated to the following tableau, that of a shotgun-toting biker who looks like a Dick Tracy villain

crashing the party at a baptism and blowing away the Reverend

who flies backward twenty feet, through a stained-glass window, revealing an army of bikers, poised to take over the US of A, one defenseless pastor at a time.

Why, you ask? Hmmm... Well, you know what, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your mind isn't even capable of asking 'why' at this point– there is literally so much shit happening, you're liable to bust a synapse or risk an aneurysm if you try to do anything except allow the glory of STONE COLD to wash over you.

So let's talk about "The Boz." I'm reasonably certain that no one has ever risked brain injury while contemplating "The Boz." "The Boz" plays one tough cop who's on suspension for, typically, being too good at his job. But while the dangerous biker gang/army/nation The Brotherhood roams the American Southeast, no one is safe. Before you can say "You've logged more biker-related arrests than any other officer in Alabama," "The Boz" is recruited by the FBI,

who are represented as a bunch of square-headed pencil-necks who definitely aren't cool or tuff enuff to infiltrate a dangerous biker gang on their own. Now The Boz's acting expertise lies somewhere between "child excited to be starring in a home movie" and "Rowdy Roddy Piper," and as far as I'm concerned, that's a good thing. You can sense a genuine, babyish excitement beneath everything that he does: he is damn happy to be in this movie, and consequently, you are damn happy to be watching him.

BEHOLD: The Boz constructing a zany milkshake out of bananas, candy bars, and random bric-a-brac

So that's what the bananas were for!

which he feeds to his pet Komodo dragon! And, of course, he does it all in macabre exercise-wear perhaps purloined from the set of PERFECT.


GAZE UPON: Lance Henriksen's performance as "Chains," the master of The Brotherhood. "Chains" should probably have gone by the name of "Chuckles" because the ratio of Lance Henriksen giggling malevolently to that of Lance Henriksen beating people with chains is approximately eight-hundred thousand to zero.

Seriously, Chains' main character trait is indeed to react to nearly everything with near-psychotic glee and the accompanying degree of bemused chuckling. Lance, naturally, manages to make this work beautifully, and delivers another nuanced, genuine, scary-good performance.

Highlights include Lance's secret biker handshake, soon followed by the threat to "peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit!"

Lance laying waste to a courtroom while wearing a priest's cassock (which naturally makes me think of Rutger Hauer's priest disguises in SURVIVING THE GAME and WEDLOCK),

and use of priceless, well-delivered Henriksen one-liners such as "TAKE THAT FUCKEN HARMONICA DOWN THE PARKING LOT, MAN!!!" and "WELCOME TO MY SLAUGHTERHOUSE!"


SEE: William Forsythe in rare form (though not quite eclipsing his no-holds-barred portrayal in OUT FOR JUSTICE), brawling like a nut-kicking madman,

and calling out The Boz for what he is:


BE SUBJECTED TO: Involuntary and generally shameful personal displays of head-banging, courtesy of a soundtrack featuring selections by "Saigon Kick," "Wire Train", "Cryer," "Martin Block," and sweet God in heaven, "The Doobie Brothers."

BEAR WITNESS TO: More unnecessary biker lady nudity per capita than in any comparable film, nearly as many senseless car explosions as in DEATH WISH 3, a club named "Club Salsa" (shades of Club...SALSA?), a man flinging a switchblade into the buttcheeks of a pin-up photo...of buttcheeks, bikers showering a fallen comrade in Jack Daniels and Domino's pizza; and a man shot off of a motorcycle as he rides through a marble colonnade in the hallway of a statehouse building, whereupon the motorcycle flies out the window and takes out a helicopter, which falls to its fiery death and explodes some vehicles on the ground.

Yes, this is a five star movie, and yes, I will defend this ruling to the death. I never knew I could be burned so cold.

-Sean Gill