Only now does it occur to me... IRON MAN 3

Only now does it occur to me...  that in the new Marvel universe, political gain is directly linked to TALES FROM THE CRYPT seniority.  How else would you explain that the positions of President and Vice-President are occupied by the two actors who appeared in more TFTC's than any others?  That's right– we've got William Sadler (alumnus of 2 CRYPT episodes– including the pilot– and 2 CRYPT movies) as President:

and Miguel Ferrer (alumnus of 3 CRYPT eps) as Vice-President:

The only others who come close are Roy Brocksmith (3 CRYPT eps) who's deceased, and Cam Clarke (a usually uncredited voiceover actor on 3 CRYPT eps).

"Well now, Sean, doesn't that seem like a bit of a stretch to you, that a huge budget superhero movie in 2013 would give a damn about old Crypty?" is what you're probably thinking.  Well, allow me to remind you that this is a Shane Black film– and that his talented, criminally underused brother Terry Black wrote several episodes of HBO's TALES in addition to doing some dialogue work on its animated, kiddie companion series TALES FROM THE CRYPTKEEPER.

Anywho– as for the film– it's far, far better than IRON MAN 3 has any right to be, and it's awash with Shane Black touches, from cultural snark to smartass kids to ludicrously self-aware action setpieces.  Here's hoping he's earned himself enough Hollywood capital (with it's $1.2 billion worldwide gross) to make another KISS KISS BANG BANG, or something like it.

Film Review: THE MONSTER SQUAD (1987, Fred Dekker)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 82 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Co-written and directed by Fred Dekker (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, ROBOCOP 3, writer of HOUSE), co-written by Shane Black (LETHAL WEAPON, KISS KISS BANG BANG, THE LAST BOY SCOUT). Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger (CHILDREN OF THE CORN), Brent Chalem ("Tubby" in DANCE 'TIL DAWN, "Spud" on PUNKY BREWSTER), Stephen Macht (TRANCERS III, GALAXINA, GRAVEYARD SHIFT), Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, HOUSE OF THE DEVIL), Jon Gries ("Roger Linus" on LOST, RUNNING SCARED, TERRORVISION), Jack Gwillim (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, PATTON), Leonardo Cimino (DUNE, HUDSON HAWK), Duncan Regehr (V, THE LEGEND OF ERROL FLYNN), Jason Hervey ('Wayne' on THE WONDER YEARS, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE), Stan Shaw (TRUCK TURNER, ROCKY). Music by Bruce Broughton (TOMBSTONE), songs by Michael Sembello (of 'Maniac' fame). Executive produced by Peter Hyams (RUNNING SCARED, BUSTING, 2010, OUTLAND, THE RELIC).
Tag-line: " You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?"
Best one-liner: See review.

A clever cash-in on THE GOONIES' success and a throwback to the classic Universal monster flicks which tried to jam as many monsters into one movie as was humanly possible (HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, HOUSE OF DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN), THE MONSTER SQUAD is a loving tribute to an age where one's primary curiosities lie in the morbid, the dark, the gross, and the monstrous. As such, Shane Black and Fred Dekker bring us a clever (but not too clever for its own good), self-referential (a decade before Kevin Williamson), tightly-wound (82 minutes!) horror film whose primary- nay, only- objective is to ensure that we have a hell of a good time. And though copyright issues disallowed the makers from using the actual Universal monsters, we have extremely solid Stan Winston facsimiles, and there are enough obscure nods to the originals (armadillos in Dracula's castle!) to satisfy the die hards. I shall now proceed with an empirical analysis of THE MONSTER SQUAD, one which seeks to separate MYTH from FACT:

MYTH: Dracula is class. He's all about the opera, and literature, and Gothic architecture, and, oh yes, that inconvenient matter that comes up from time to time– that of drinking your blood.
FACT: Dracula, in THE MONSTER SQUAD, is a total douchebomb. His nonstop dickery imperils not only the members of the titular Monster Squad, but even his fellow monsters as well. Will Dracula be having your son?

You bettah believe he'll be having your son. What if a gang of kids starts harassing him?


He will blast their treehouse to shit with dynamite and mutter to himself smugly, "Meeting adjourned." Just look at his face:

Have you ever seen a vampire more pleased with himself? Have you seen a monster with a more blatantly self-congratulatory attitude?
And while I guess this was the era of the PG-13, I love the way he deals with a five-year old girl who's got the mystical monster amulet:


The first time I saw this I was sort of disappointed with Duncan Regehr's take on Dracula, but now with the benefit of age and wisdom, I've gotta say: like the fine wine (that he never drinks), Drac's incessant, unrelenting superior form of douchebaggery only improves with age.

MYTH: Dracula can change his form, but he's limited to man, wolf, and bat.


FACT: Well, if we're counting one-frame subliminal messages, add "Bulging-Eyes-Skull-Head-Monster-Man" to the list. (Maybe this is somehow related to Dracula's headscratching appearance as "The Grim Reaper" in CASTLEVANIA II: SIMON'S QUEST?)

MYTH: Dracula cannot journey in daylight.

FACT: Evidently he can, in bat form, whilst exiting a vintage B-24 that he's commissioned. And is this some kind of abstruse reference to the B-24s used in the WWII bombing of Ploesti, Romania, the same nation whose borders lay claim to Transylvania?

MYTH: Jon Gries would make a pisspoor Wolf Man.


FACT: After cutting his teeth on roles like "O.D. the Metalhead" in TERRORVISION and "King Vidiot" in JOYSTICKS, he possessed the necessary derangement to pull of an extremely solid Wolf Man, and one with occasional pathos to boot.

MYTH: A Wolf Man traverses this life without 'Nards.
FACT: See below.





MYTH: The Wolf Man can be killed by stuffing dynamite down his pants, defenestrating him, and exploding him above a deserted alleyway as he plummets to the ground.

FACT: Only a silver bullet can kill the Wolf Man. (And what precisely does this movie have against Wolf Man genitalia, anyway?)

MYTH: Like many a lame-ass kids' movie since, THE MONSTER SQUAD censors itself.

FACT: No. It refuses to. It keeps the foul-mouthed pre-teens, the gore (watch for Dracula's brides munching on furry animals, raw- amongst other things), the five-year old girls being strangled and called bitches (see above), and all the other stuff that lets kids know they're not being pandered to.

MYTH: When the (quasi) Universal Monsters get together, they commence with death and destruction... immediately!

FACT: Actually, they simply cavort with one another in a shot which (comically, but surely unintentionally) goes on for about three seconds too long.

MYTH: The Creature from the Black Lagoon is underrated.

FACT: No, The Creature from the Black Lagoon is rated just as he should be. Hands down, the shittiest of the mainstream Universal Monsters, I'd rather see his #5 spot occupied by Mr. Hyde, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Man who Laughs, the ape from Rue Morgue, the Invisible Man, the Bride of Frankenstein, Dr. Pretorius, the crazy brother from THE OLD DARK HOUSE, Poelzig from THE BLACK CAT, or even a random Mole Person from THE MOLE PEOPLE. That being said, Stan Winston did a pretty superb job of reimagining him for the 1980's. And I guess the Creature gets a few points for having Clint Eastwood in the sequel. Anyway.

MYTH: Harold Ramis was the first to consider a film entitled GROUNDHOG DAY.
FACT: A fictional flick named 'GROUNDHOG DAY' is viewed within MONSTER SQUAD, a reference to the many 'holiday-themed slashers' which ruled the video shelves of the 1980's.

MYTH: TERMINATOR 2 was the first movie to end with a corny, gargantuan father figure sacrificing himself to the pit in order that others may live.
FACT: THE MONSTER SQUAD makes a pretty good go of it with Tom Noonan's Frankenstein.

Noonan is great. At 6'6'', he makes for a great Monster. Although never did I think I'd see 'Francis Dollarhyde' (the name of his character in MANHUNTER) holding a little girl's hand in a genuinely sentimental moment.

His catchphrase is "Bogus!," which should be enough to make your average FRANKENSTEIN fan's hair curl in dismay, but somehow Noonan imbues the role with enough sincerity that he makes those cringeworthy moments extremely palatable.

MYTH: "The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves."

FACT: "See ya later, Band-Aid Breath!"

MYTH: It is impossible to 'rap' adequately about "amulets."
FACT: Stay for the end credits, and listen for yourself. I'm not saying that Michael Sembello should be named Poet Laureate or anything, but give him a chance.

Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: DEAD HEAT (1988, Mark Goldblatt)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 86 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Treat Williams (HAIR, PRINCE OF THE CITY, MARATHON MAN), Joe Piscapo (SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SIDEKICKS), Vincent Price, Keye Luke (GREMLINS, the #1 son in the 30's CHARLIE CHAN movies), Darren McGavin (THE NIGHT STALKER, RAW DEAL, A CHRISTMAS STORY) , Lindsay Frost (COLLATERAL DAMAGE, Shannon's stepmom on TV's LOST, THE RING), Professor Toru Tanaka (THE RUNNING MAN, PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, DARKMAN), Shane Black (here, in a cameo, writer of LETHAL WEAPON, LAST ACTION HERO, KISS KISS BANG BANG).
Tag-lines: "These cops are on the biggest murder case of their lives... their own." or "You can't keep a good cop dead."
Best one-liner: "Lady, I'm fuckin' dead!"

You have to wonder about the siblings Terry and Shane Black. Shane's first screenplay to get produced was LETHAL WEAPON in 1987. Terry's was DEAD HEAT in 1988. They share a similar meta sensibility, a penchant for witty banter, and a love of the absurd. Only the thing is, LETHAL WEAPON made twice as much in its opening weekend than DEAD HEAT made in its entire run, and Terry just went on to write a few episodes of TALES FROM THE CRYPT, while Shane got a slew of A-pictures.

Shane, here in a cameo as a Patrolman.

But it doesn't matter, because DEAD HEAT is a fine achievement in and of itself. It's a lower budget LETHAL WEAPON infused with equal parts ROBOCOP and DAWN OF THE DEAD, and the result is a whacky ride that continually ups its psychotic stakes. Treat Williams and Joe Piscopo are our cops, Piscopo playing the unhinged Neanderthal jokester and Williams the sensitive straight man. Unlike, say, Mel Gibson in a similar role, Piscopo forgets to make the role likable.

He's SUCH a dick, though, that it still manages to work, even if unintentionally ("You are under arrest. You have the right to remain disgusting."). Williams, as always, is stellar, and as the film progresses, he undergoes a transformation into slick, punk, Bill Paxton in NEAR DARK-esque one-liner dropping tough guy.

Then we got several minor horror icons from Darren McGavin (THE NIGHT STALKER) to Keye Luke (GREMLINS), all culminating with an appearance by the legendary VINCENT PRICE.

Just when you think you know where the film's going, it throws completely maniacal twists at you...I don't want to give anything away, because half of this film's charm is its ability to induce spit-takes in the viewer as the madness exponentially increases. But still take note of the film's point of no return, which pits our cop buddies against a horde of viscous, undead Chinese food.


If you're at all a fan of Shane Black or the buddy cop genre, you really do owe it to yourself to check this one out. Five stars.

-Sean Gill