Only now does it occur to me... BAD CHANNELS (1992)

Only now does it occur to me... how on earth had I never heard of BAD CHANNELS? Try this on for size: it's a Full Moon Picture (which means its a step down from a New World Picture, and probably a step up from a Troma Picture) about an asteroid-headed alien DJ who commandeers a small town Earthling radio station, 

wresting control away from a prankster DJ (kind of a lighter version Bogosian in TALK RADIO)

The DJ in question (pictured left) is played by Abel Ferrara crony Paul Hipp.

and sending out sci-fi transmissions of songs by Fair Game, DMT, and Sykotik Sinfoney, which target specific young local ladies and make them believe that they're starring in their own music video

whereupon they are miniaturized and beamed away by the alien DJ and transported to little glass jars for his safekeeping.

The intrepid reporter trying to piece together the whole mess is played by MTV VJ Martha Quinn:

 

and incidental music throughout is scored by... legendary post-modern hard rock band Blue Öyster Cult (!). While the extraterrestrial goofiness and arena-rock satire certainly play to BOC's fascinations, it must be mentioned that the film does not fit into their Imaginos Mythos (for those not acquainted, the Cult have an overarching Lovecraftian mythos in their lyrics about aliens and conspiracies and world history that was most exhaustively illustrated in their 1988 rock opera IMAGINOS).

The best parts of this film are the "music video" sequences, in which mundane scenes at a bar, a high school gym, and a hospital are transformed into pop/rock/grunge insanity. Fair Game appears at a country western bar, dancing on the bar with the panache of a poor man's Alice Cooper:

DMT takes over a school assembly with a knock-off of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that is all you could hope for from a Full Moon Picture:

and Sykotik Sinfoney goes on to steal the show with their rap/metal/Oingo Boingo sound, skull makeup, cow udders, and rockin' nuns, which is probably the best unexpected musical number in a hospital since BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO:

The finale channels LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, as when the alien is unmasked, he bears a significant resemblance to Audrey II:

It even ends with the promise of a crossover with DOLLMAN!  Essentially, this is 88 minutes of harmless Full Moon fun––no more, no less––but I'm glad it exists.

Film Review: THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM (1991, Stuart Gordon)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 97 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Lance Henriksen (ALIENS, THE TERMINATOR, NEAR DARK), Mark Margolis (THE WRESTLER, PI), Jeffrey Combs (RE-ANIMATOR, CASTLE FREAK), William J. Norris (brilliant Chicago theater actor), Stephen Lee (WARGAMES, DOLLS, GHOULIES III), Frances Bay (BLUE VELVET, TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME, IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS), Rona de Ricci, Jonathan Fuller (CASTLE FREAK, CAMPFIRE TALES). Music by Richard Band (TERRORVISION, GHOULIES, PUPPET MASTER). Written by Dennis Paoli (RE-ANIMATOR, GHOULIES II, THE DENTIST), and loosely based on some of the writings of Edgar Allen Poe.
Tag-lines: "A bizarre descent into hell from the creator of RE-ANIMATOR."
Best one-liner: "What are you doing here? Why don't you go torture some heretics!"

How's it goin', Full Moon? It's been a long time. Come to torment me with more mediocre, direct-to-video genre cinema, have ye? Come to fool me into thinking I've rented PHANTASM? Cause if I squint my eyes and look at the cover, that's what it looks like. And if I had no idea what talents were involved, I think I'd have to assume- best case scenario- that the film within is something along the lines of 'PUPPET MASTER III meets DRAGONWORLD.' But lo and behold: THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM is a damned solid flick. I mean, it's not quite as good as Dreyer's LA PASSION DE JEANNE D'ARC, but it probably burns at least three times as many heretics, and in blazing Technicolor!

Actually, that was a lie, it just sounded better to say "in blazing Technicolor" than "in a murky 35mm-to-VHS transfer."

Now the first thing that's going to surprise you is the fact that this film appears, in fact, to have a budget of some kind. Estimated to have been made for only two million dollars, I find that to be pretty impressive. I mean, after craft services, extras, airfare, buying location access to a bona fide Italian castle, paying Stuart Gordon, semi-intricate period costuming, complex gore effects, retaining some recognizable actors, building a Pit and a Pendulum out of something sturdier than balsa wood– that seems like it would cost a lot of 1991 dollars. So I'm wondering exactly how much went to Lance Henriksen (to get him to prepare, fly him out, have him act for a few weeks, have him on call in case they need dubbing, pick-ups, etc.)?

It can't have been toooo much, the whole goddamn budget was $2 million. Let's pick an arbitrary figure- let's say that he commanded $150,000: 7.5% of the budget, which I think is a semi-reasonable guess given the costs of everything else. That would be for- let's say 6 weeks of hassle in all. Might have been more, might have been less. Does that mean that if I scraped together $3,500, I could get Lance Henriksen to hang out at my apartment for a day? And that $3,500 is what he'd normally earn for some grueling work- shaving his head into a whacky monk's tonsure, getting whipped, pouring his heart into his work, etc.

So it wouldn't even be demeaning to just hang out with him for half the day, shoot the shit, drink some beers... and then I could reasonably ask him to maybe do some light housework for the second half, maybe he could do some dishes while we discuss SURVIVAL QUEST. Time to start saving, I guess.

What was I talking about? Ah yes, THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM. Gordon and Dennis Paoli weave together the Spanish Inquisition, "The Pit and the Pendulum," "The Cask of Amontillado," "The Premature Burial," and a smattering of other Edgar Allen Poe elements into one big Medieval frenzy of swashbucklery, supernatural horror, and Gothic torture.


The plot concerns two innocents (originally cast as Billy Dee Williams and Sherilyn Fenn!) -

a breadmaker and his pious wife, played by Jonathan Fuller and Rona de Ricci- who are inadvertently swept up into a world of imprisonment, torture, and autos de fé. A gang of terrific character actors comprise the Inquistion, including Lance Henriksen (as Torquemada himself- a part originally intended for Peter O'Toole!), Jeffrey Combs, Mark Margolis (whose old crucifixion wounds are continually fingered by Lance), William J. Norris (who plays the Doctor with Paul Bartel-style flair), and Stephen Lee (who evinces dunderheaded charm). Additionally, they almost seem to directly prefigure the posse of colorful tormentors in Gordon's 2003 KING OF THE ANTS.

Of the crew, Henriksen gets the most screen time and by gum, does he make the most of it. He might be having a ball beneath that bitter, hardened exterior, but you really can't tell. The man looks like he is in genuine, diabolical agony for the duration.

He's not some cardboard cutout Inquisition villain- he's an anguished soul, scourged by his own spiritual hang-ups and ambigious sexual repressions, and he finds his outlet in pure, unfettered, self-serving sadism. He's got a weird SALÓ-style torture peephole and a Sword of Damocles installed in his quarters. He's got a Virgin Mary fetish and a hard-on for gettin' flagellated ("Flog me!"). Gordon's pulling out all the stops and the Catholicism clichés, all the way down to the (Buñuel-inspired?) crucifix dagger.

At one point, he screams, "NO ONE ESCAPES! NO ONE!!!" followed by a nearly endless recitation of "KILL HIMs." He must scream "KILL HIM!!!" about three thousand times in this movie, and every time ya hear it, it's just as fresh as the first time.

There's definitely an element of 'Inquisition-sploitation' to this picture, and when the innocent young maiden is stripped down and scrutinized by these ecclesiastical clowns, Henriksen must react.

What would you have him do, as a director? Go the hackneyed route? Have him twirl a mustache, or giggle lasciviously? Have him lick his lips, or look her up and down with the 'ole pervy once-over? Well, let's see what Lance Henriksen decided on:

Now that is an acting choice, ladies and gentlemen. Look at him. Does he even know they're making a movie? At this point in time, measured by the medium as 1/24th of a second, can we say for sure that there's a difference between Lance Henriksen and Tomás de Torquemada?... It's not for me to say. But goddamn, it's one hell of a performance. And he should have earned the first Oscar nomination to be affiliated with a Full Moon picture.

While not living up to Henriksen's sheer intensity, Jeffrey Combs manages to steal a little bit of the spotlight in his role as Francisco, the Inquisition's resident bookworm. Looking sort of like a Medieval Encyclopedia Brown, Combs is outfitted with a pageboy wig, some spectacles worthy of Mr. Peabody, and a demeanor that seems truly alien to us 21st Centurians.

Allow me to explain: as the film progresses, it becomes clear that Combs studied artwork contemporaneous to the Inquisition and painstakingly emulated the poses found therein. The rigidity, the arm movements, the way he peers into a book or disdainfully regards a potential "witch."

Though it doesn't call for a great deal of movement, it's an extremely physical role, and Combs makes it extremely memorable.

There's a meaty role by Lynch's favorite scary old lady, Frances Bay, as an actual witch captured by the Torquemada.

Bay is guaranteed to bring 'blood-curdlingly off-kilter' and 'adorable old lady' elements to her performances, and her "Esmerelda" here is no exception. She gets tortured, dispenses Obi-Wan Kenobi-style spiritual guidance, sounds off with wacky one-liners, and faces her stake-burning fate with gunpowder-gobbling panache (which leads to an... explosive payoff).

Stephen Lee and Mark Margolis waterboard Frances Bay.


Believe in yourself and you can overcome anything!

Just when you think you've seen it all, the Cardinal arrives to put the kibosh on Torquemada's brutality. I did a spit-take when he arrived, because, much to my surprise, the Cardinal was played by THE DEVILS' own Oliver Reed!!! He stumbles in, par for the course, swigging from a flask and mumbling in an accent that bears some similarity to that of an inebriated Italian chef.

He's all about shutting down Torquemada's operation, giggling somewhat malevolently, and murmuring things like "No-a, I tell you, I have-a de seal of de Pope!" When Torquemada offers him a few snifters from this schweet, aged cask of Amontillado, do you really think that Oliver Reed refuses?

SCHLERP

One thing leads to another, and- well, if you have any familiarity with Poe, you know how it turns out. Suffice it to say that Ollie Reed was- however fleeting- an unexpected pleasure. Full Moon, you continue to surprise me. Anyway, we finally get to that eponymous Pit and Pendulum around an hour and fifteen minutes in, and some satisfying (although fairly predictable) payoffs ensue.

I'm giving this movie four stars. I'm fairly certain it's actually a crime in some states to assign a Full Moon picture a rating such as this, but let's just run with it. For another Full Moon/Stuart Gordon/Jeffrey Combs/literary adaptation that's far better than it has any right to be, check out CASTLE FREAK.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: TRANCERS (1985, Charles Band)

Stars: 3 of 5. Running Time: 76 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Tim Thomerson (Altman's A WEDDING, FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, RHINESTONE) , Helen Hunt, Richard Herd (F.I.S.T., ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN), and Art LaFleur (FIELD OF DREAMS, WARGAMES). Tag-lines: "2247 collides with 1985 . . . when a 23rd century crime fighter heats it up in L.A., today!" Best one-liner: "Welcome to the twentieth century, Jack Deth!"

Of all the Full Moon franchises (PUPPET MASTER, SUBSPECIES, DEMONIC TOYS, etc.), TRANCERS is probably the best. Well, perhaps that gives it a BIT too much credit. Instead, let's say it's the most charming. Kind of a straight-to-video fusion of BLADE RUNNER and THE TERMINATOR (with later installments drawing more on HIGHLANDER and XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS), its aim is not REALLY quality- its sights are set a tad lower. It's not trying to give you your money's worth on a 1985 movie ticket ($2.75), it's trying to give you your money's worth on the 25¢ rental, and in doing so, it succeeds. The DVD even (unintentionally) duplicates the experience with a flawed transfer that looks like a well-loved, ratty VHS. But on to the movie: what we have here is a pretty hamfisted one-liner fest in the vein of (but lacking the wit of) Shane Black and Fred Dekker. As a side note, it happens to be set at Christmastime in L.A., and prefigures, in this aspect, both DIE HARD and LETHAL WEAPON. Anyway, actor/comedian Tim Thomerson is rather likable as Jack Deth, as is a young Helen Hunt (who continued to appear in the series through its third installment). There's the requisite 80's punk club scene ("Looks like a room full of Trancers!"); a Tangerine Dream rip-off score; weak jokes ("Dry hair's for squids!"); not one, but two awesome time-stopping sequences; a washed-up hobo ballplayer; futuristic ruling councils; and then it somehow all ends on a freeze frame. Inexplicably, all of these things add up to something I consider fairly effin' sweet entertainment. (Funny, the same thing happened when I saw HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN.) So if you like your 80's fare inundated with bad one-liners, equal doses of low-budget creativity and cretinous cliche, and the delightful magnetic warpings of a defective VHS, then, by all means, help yourself to some TRANCERS. Three stars. -Sean Gill

Film Review: CASTLE FREAK (1995, Stuart Gordon)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Jeffrey Combs, Jonathan Fuller, Barbara Crampton (all three of them Gordon alumni).
Tag-lines: "Hideous... hungry... and loose!," which, I gotta say- though it is somewhat inappropriate- it's so ridiculous that I have no choice but to love it.
Best one-liner: Not really, actually.

Using the short story "The Outsider" as a point of departure, Stuart Gordon crafts one of the more successful H.P. Lovecraft adaptations and a micro-masterpiece of what I call "Melancholy Horror." Like a somber version of PHENOMENA meets DON'T LOOK NOW with a sprinkling of THE SHINING, CASTLE FREAK is a work that completely transcends its dime store origins. (It was a Full Moon release- the illustrious company that gave us such classics as CRYPTZ, EVIL BONG II: KING BONG, and DEMONICUS.) The always-entertaining Jeffrey Combs is our American hero who has inherited an Italian castle which may or may not contain a feral half-brother man-child that is the product of years of child abuse, isolation, and imprisonment.

Combs builds a complex Lovecraftian hero, tortured by his own past and tormented by genealogical forces. Using the darkly depressing backstory (involving alcoholism, a blinding, and the death of his son), Combs derives frustration and real emotional weight, which in a Gordon film of this era (pre-EDMOND and STUCK) is almost unthinkable.

I found myself chuckling a little whenever we see Combs in drunk mode, but I wasn't laughing because he's bad- I was laughing because he's so good!

Everything involving the freak (Jonathan Fuller) is well done (the makeup, the uncanny movement, the tortured cries, etc.), but, as always, when the monster is decent, the a-hole distributors have plastered its mug all over the posters and promotional materials, thus ruining the ominous dread of the initial reveal (which was the big zinger in the original story). I'm all for a sweet poster, but can we not blow the movie's load on it? (For this review, I was able to find 1 poster which didn't completely show the creature.) Anyway, the freak gets loose and its warped attempts at human behavior are briefly humorous, then horrific, and ultimately depressing. There's plenty of depraved gore and a few thrills, but in the end, CASTLE FREAK is a chamber piece of baneful despair that I think even that ole’ crab Lovecraft himself would have gotten a kick out of.

-Sean Gill