Film Review: BARB WIRE (1996, David Hogan)

Stars: 2 of 5?  3 of 5?  4 of 5?  Does it really matter?
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Tag-line: "Don't call me babe!"
Notable Cast or Crew: Pamela Anderson (BAYWATCH, V.I.P.), Temuera Morrison (ONCE WERE WARRIORS, ATTACK OF THE CLONES), Xander Berkeley (TERMINATOR 2, AIR FORCE ONE), Clint Howard (TANGO & CASH, ROCK N' ROLL HIGH SCHOOL), Udo Kier (BLOOD FOR DRACULA, BREAKING THE WAVES), Tommy "Tiny" Lister (EXTREME PREJUDICE, RUNAWAY TRAIN), Tony Bill (director of FIVE CORNERS and UNTAMED HEART), Jack Noseworthy (Bon Jovi's music video "Always," IDLE HANDS, ENCINO MAN), John Paxton (SPIDER-MAN, A SIMPLE PLAN), Steve Railsback (HELTER SKELTER, LIFEFORCE, THE STUNT MAN), Victoria Rowell (THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, DUMB AND DUMBER), Shelly Desai (THELMA & LOUISE, ESCAPE FROM L.A.), and Joey Sagal (THE HIDDEN, BEYOND THE LAW).  Written by Chuck Pfarrer (HARD TARGET, DARKMAN, NAVY SEALS) and Ilene Chaiken (THE L WORD, THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR).
Best One-liner:  Uh... "Don't call me babe?"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"So, what's new?"
–"I'll tell ya what's new.  There was supposed to be an 'Only now does it occur to me...' for BARB WIRE, but now there's a full-blown review."
"I remember when that came out.  What is it that occurs to you?"
–"Several things. More than several. But most importantly, only now does it occur to me... that BARB WIRE is a remake of CASABLANCA."

"This?  You've gotta be shittin' me. You're like those people who make claims such as "THE PAPERBOY is the CITIZEN KANE of jellyfish urination movies, or that "BLOODSPORT 4 is the SCHINDLER'S LIST of Bulgarian Kumite flicks."
–"I happen to stand by those assessments, but this is no joke.  BARB WIRE is legitimately a retelling of CASABLANCA, and it's more faithful to the source material than 90% of remakes.  It's possible that Gus Van Sant's shot-for-shot remake of PSYCHO is less faithful.  Although, in this version, Pamela Anderson is Humphrey Bogart, and Temuera Morrison––apparently best known for playing Boba Fett's clone-dad or whatever in the STAR WARS prequels––is Ingrid Bergman."
"You're pulling my leg."
–"You know what would probably be easier?  Let's go ahead and re-edit the beginning of the plot description from the Wikipedia page for CASABLANCA. It's sorta like Mad Libs:

"In December 1941 2017, American Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) Barb Wire (Pamela Anderson) is the proprietor of an upscale nightclub and gambling den in the free city of Casablanca Steel Harbor.

"Rick's Café Américain" "The Hammerhead" attracts a varied clientele: Vichy French and German officials Steel Harbor Provisional Gov't and American Crypto-Nazi officials; refugees desperate to reach the still neutral United States Canada; and those who prey on them.

Although Rick Barb professes to be neutral in all matters, it is later revealed he she fought on the loyalist side in the Spanish Civil War Second American Civil War.

Petty crook Ugarte (Peter Lorre) Schmitz (Clint Howard) arrives and boasts to Rick Barb of "letters of transit" eyeballs for retinal scanners obtained by murdering two Fascist couriers.

 

The papers eyeballs allow the bearers to travel freely around German-controlled Europe the divided United States, and are thus almost priceless to the refugees stranded in Casablanca Steel Harbor.

Ugarte Schmitz plans to sell them at the club that night, and asks Rick to hold them hides them in Barb's bar. Before he can meet his contact, he is arrested by the local police under the command of Captain Louis Renault (Claude Rains) Alexander Willis (Xander Berkeley), an unabashedly corrupt Vichy  Steel Harbor official.

At this point, the reason for Rick's Barb Wire's bitterness—former lover Ilsa Lund (Ingrid Bergman) Axel Hood (Temuera Morrison)—walks into his her establishment.  She he is accompanied by her his husband girlfriend, Victor Laszlo (Paul Henreid) Corrina Devonshire (Victoria Rowell), a renowned fugitive Resistance leader scientist.

They need the letters eyeballs to escape to America Canada. Nazi Major Strasser (Conrad Veidt) Colonel Pryzer (Steve Railsback)

has come to Casablanca Steel Harbor to see that Laszlo Corrina does not succeed..."

"Wait, you're telling me that Clint Howard is their Peter Lorre?"
–"That's all you have to say?! This is incredible! How is this not the first thing that anyone mentions when they talk about BARB WIRE?"
"I think you're overestimating how many people are still talking about BARB WIRE.  And, I don't know, these images just don't read very 'CASABLANCA' to me.  Looks more like a live action GHOST IN THE SHELL-themed rave or something."

–"Well, I mean, it's not exact––"
"And I don't remember a ten minute opening sequence of a semi-nude Humphrey Bogart cavorting beneath the endless spray of a fire hose."

–"It's been a while since I saw CASABLANCA, I can't remember if that scene made the final cut or not––"
"And I definitely don't recall this many van explosions."


–"They might be in there.  Maybe during the 'fall of Paris' flashback.  And sure, BARB WIRE has a slightly more 'John Woo/Robert Rodriguez' flavor than the original, but..."


"Does CASABLANCA end with the Nazis developing weaponized AIDS and Major Strasser attacking Rick with a forklift while doing Steve Railsback's psycho Manson-cackle from HELTER SKELTER?"



–"You're nitpicking.  But who's to say that wouldn't have improved CASABLANCA?  Now, you've highlighted some minor differences, but come on.  There are only a few things in this world we know for sure.  Soylent Green is people, coffee's for closers only, and BARB WIRE is CASABLANCA!

'Play it again, DJ S.A.M.'

The blocking's similar throughout,

the airport scene in the fog's nearly exact, 

 

'Here's looking at you... babe!'

'Don't call me babe.'

right down to the beginning of a 'very beautiful friendship' between

Barb and Claude Rains!

Hell, they have their own Sydney Greenstreet, for godssake!"


"Alright. You've convinced me that it's CASABLANCA. But you haven't convinced me to watch it."
–"Allow me to make one final observation.  Two simple words: Udo Kier.  I can make it three if you like: bald Udo Kier.  Wanna try for five?  Bald, face-tattoo'd Udo Kier."

"I'm listening."
–"It's even better if you consider that he was shooting this concurrently with BREAKING THE WAVES."

"Can I be honest with you?"
–"Sure."
"I'm probably still not going to watch this."
–"Eh.  That's okay."


––Sean Gill

Film Review: TAPEHEADS (1988, Bill Fishman)

Stars: 3.8 of 5.

Running Time: 93 minutes.

Tag-line: "Let's Get Into Trouble, Baby!"

Notable Cast or Crew: John Cusack, Tim Robbins, Clu Gulager, Susan Tyrrell, Jessica Walter (PLAY MISTY FOR ME, Lucille on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT), Sy Richardson (STRAIGHT TO HELL, REPO MAN), Xander Berkeley (CANDYMAN, TERMINATOR 2), Don Cornelius (host of SOUL TRAIN), Stiv Bators, Bobcat Goldthwait, 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Jello Biafra, Ted Nugent, Michael Nesmith, Courtney Love, etc. Cinematography by Bojan Bazelli (SURVIVING THE GAME, KING OF NEW YORK, PATTY HEARST). Music by Fishbone.

Best one-liner: "I'm gonna make him eat that syllable!"

If you ever want to see a movie where Clu Gulager (playing a presidential candidate) is alternatingly naked, wrapped in Christmas lights, spanked by Courtney Love, and riding a shaggy-dog leather-daddy costume-clad Susan Tyrrell, then this movie is your 24/7/365 one-stop shop for Gulager perversity (or at least until FUCKING TULSA comes out).

I guarantee you this is better than TRASH HUMPERS.

Being as Gulager (THE KILLERS, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, WONDERLAND COVE) and Tyrrell (FAT CITY, CRY-BABY, FLESH + BLOOD) are the lofty standards by whom I judge all character actors, I enjoyed this thing quite a bit.

Tyrrell + Gulager = cult movie gold.

Presented by Mike Nesmith (former Monkee, producer on REPO MAN, and MTV pioneer), TAPEHEADS is a ludicrous exposé/send-up of the burgeoning MTV scene and the toilet down which it was priming to flush itself. It's far from perfect and the characters are often grating, but it possesses this energetic, anarchistic sensibility which makes it endlessly watchable. Having absurdist comedy and subculture cameos occasionally worthy of a Paul Bartel film doesn't hurt, either.

John Cusack (with oily mustache and a cigarette holder) and Tim Robbins (looking like a precursor to Napoleon Dynamite) play our fledgling entrepreneur heroes as they navigate the sleazy, sycophantic world of video production, from Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles

to the Frankenstein's monster of a band called 'Menudo.' Along the way, there's everything from Ninja gals, Svankmajer-style stop-motion food,

Was inappropriate, slightly troubling use of stop-motion food written into Cusack's contract? (Also see BETTER OFF DEAD.)

buckets of paint poured on Swedes lip-synching to Devo,

the Busey-worthy line "F.E.A.R.- False Evidence Appearing Real!," to Clu Gulager muttering phrases like "you bet yer sweet ass" and "ya pissant."

Plenty of Gulager eyebrow action, too.

The bit parts are ridiculous- Sy Richardson as a wry bartender,

Stiv Bators as an Alice Cooper knock-off,

Weird Al as himself, Jessica Walter as Clu's long-suffering wife,

Jello Biafra as an FBI man, and a very special appearance by one Mr. Bobcat Goldthwait.

The nostalgia factor is high, from all manner of terrible early 80's video transitions (the 'mirror' effect, overdone pixelation, et al.) to those ubiquitous shots of L.A., which are somehow likably evocative (think Paxton's wandering in FISH HEADS) and vaguely post-apocalyptic (think ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13).

And fans of obsolete video formats should find a lot to like here, too.

Nearly four stars worth of 80's cult movie tomfoolery- but only see it if you're in the mood for that sort of thing.

-Sean Gill

Film Review: THE ROOKIE (1990, Clint Eastwood)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 120 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Clint Eastwood, Charlie Sheen, Tom Skerritt, Lara Flynn Boyle, Raul Julia, Xander Berkeley (TERMINATOR 2, CANDYMAN), Sonia Braga (KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN). Written by Boaz Yakin (THE PUNISHER, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2) and Scott Spiegel (EVIL DEAD II, INTRUDER).
Tag-line: "Clint Eastwood is Sgt. Nick Pulovski, what you might call a seasoned cop. Charlie Sheen is Detective David Ackerman, what you'd definitely call... a rookie."
Best one-liner: "There's gotta be a hundred reasons why I don't blow you away. Right now I can't think of one."

There is a moment where this movie is going to win you over, and strangely enough, it doesn't even involve Clint Eastwood. It happens when Charlie Sheen, in a Scorsese-esque burst of violence, spurts booze from his lips through a lighter, igniting a surly, no-good bartender deserving of comeuppance. And at that point, you nod your head and acknowledge that you are indeed along for the ride. THE ROOKIE is basically DIRTY HARRY VI, and, really, by no means is that a bad thing. We've got a terrific supporting cast with the likes of Tom Skerritt, Raul Julia, Xander Berkeley, and Lara Flynn Boyle. We've got a script from the co-writer of EVIL DEAD II. All the cliches are covered, and the payoffs are well-executed by Eastwood's hand, literally.

"I'm the tooth fairy!"

The disdain factor is high:


Disdain for Charlie Sheen.


Disdain for rookies.


Disdain for Latina torturers...

... featuring the best liquid-regurgitation scene since THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS.

And then there's even an ouroboros motif that almost makes the film come across as the upbeat version of TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. or VIOLENT COP. So if you're in the mood for a buddy cop film that treads the territory of "I'm gettin' too old for this shit" and the young hotshot up-and-comer facing against a foreigner with lots of henchmen, then THE ROOKIE might be just what the doctor ordered.

-Sean Gill

And this trailer- complete with salsa music and oddly abrupt editing- says it far better than I ever could: