Only now does it occur to me... V: THE SERIES, "THE SANCTION" (1x5) (1984)

Only now does it occur to me... that I've finally discovered the "real" Cobra Kai. Allow me to explain.

If you're new to the "V" series, you could start by reading my initial post on the subject which, though it is eventually hijacked by a happening known as "the Nut Slide of Doom," lays out the basic reasons why you should watch the first two miniseries and then stop before you get this far (to V: THE SERIES).

To recap: the V saga tells the story of the invasion of Earth by fascist aliens (who are actually rodent-snacking reptiles in disguise) who intend to rob our planet of its resources and enslave/eat our population. Some humans collaborate with them and become Vichy-style puppets and/or Hitler Youth. Others join the resistance, engaging in guerrilla warfare against the technologically superior Visitors. This story is skillfully told in V: THE ORIGINAL MINISERIES (1983). It is enjoyably continued as the actioner V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984). By the time we get to V: THE SERIES, its gutted budget and watered-down purpose have rendered it virtually unwatchable. (Meanwhile, the hair has gotten bigger and the costumes have become more ridiculous, so the "so-bad-it's-good" aficionados can still have a little fun.)

Jane Badler is the best: DYNASTY meets XANADU, man

 

The plot of this episode follows "Sean," son of Marc Singer's "Mike Donovan" (the BEASTMASTER himself, and the perpetrator of the aforementioned Nut Slide of Doom), as he continues his indoctrination as a member of the Visitors' youth program. Sean is now played by Nicky Katt (DAZED AND CONFUSED, THE LIMEY, THE BURBS), a longtime character actor and terrific smartass, who is at this point still a literal child.

Presumably because THE KARATE KID had come out that summer, this episode features the Visitors attempting to re-educate their human wards at a karate dojo.

 

 They introduce a new character to do so: "Klaus" (Thomas Callaway), who is equal parts "Jaws" from James Bond, random leather daddy, and "Kreese" from THE KARATE KID.

He is a sadist with a detachable hand which unveils a chain/whip extension. It's a whole thing. Anyway, he runs this evil dojo,

which is, for all intents and purposes, "Cobra Kai" with more space Nazis.

Now, the visual pun here is that the Visitors––who, remember, are reptiles in human disguises––are pretty close to cobras themselves, therefore, making this a technically more "authentic" Cobra Kai than the one featured in THE KARATE KID!

Anyway, this plotline comes to a close when Nicky Katt punches out (eventual KARATE KID alumnus) Michael Ironside and throws in his lot with the Visitors for good.

 

This does provide us with the excellent––if extremely improbable––visual of Ironside getting his ass kicked by a stone-cold child. (Who strikes first, strikes hard, and shows no mercy.)

I guess they did teach him some effective moves down at the fascist snake-man dojo. Uh, Kreese would be proud?

Only now does it occur to me... V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984)

Only now does it occur to me... well, before I get ahead of myself, I'd be remiss if I didn't say a few words about the "V" franchise. An anti-fascist alien invasion adventure inspired by Sinclair Lewis' IT CAN'T HAPPEN HERE and John Steinbeck's THE MOON IS DOWN, Kenneth Johnson's V: THE ORIGINAL MINISERIES (1983) is a close-to-perfect three hours of television. It's potent enough to have been an inspiration to great artists (John Carpenter's THEY LIVE), popcorn flicks (INDEPENDENCE DAY), 

 

and dangerous fools (David Icke's whackadoo reptilian theories) alike. I'd say without reservation that it's one of the best sci-fi properties of the 1980s, which is obviously saying a lot. It's got everything from Robert Englund playing a lovable, post-MORK AND MINDY "gentle dullard" alien 

 

to Jane Badler playing the manipulative alien Nazi version of "DYNASTY meets XANADU." 

 

It's a rare breed of miniseries, and one which forced an important question upon the Reagan-era mainstream (which has since been "answered," for all of us, in one way or another): whose side will you choose when the Nazis come?

Then, there was a sequel––V: THE FINAL BATTLE. Made largely without Kenneth Johnson's participation, there's way more action, way less diversity, and fewer instances of social commentary, but it's still fairly solid TV, and you can really see its influence on subsequent sci-fi actioners, from ALIENS to TOTAL RECALL. Part of this is because the inimitable Michael Ironside joins the cast as the ex-CIA mercenary "Ham Tyler." 

 

His one-liners feel somewhat out of place on the heels of such heavy dramatic material, but that ain't Ironside's fault.

 

It was on this project that Michael Ironside met his real-life best friend (and best man at his wedding), the musician/actor Mickey Jones.

Anyway, I guess you could say this is all a prelude to one of the greatest/weirdest happenings in television history, a bit of fight choreography I can only describe as the "Nut Slide of Doom." It's the best stunt JCVD never did. Basically, a resistance leader––played by Marc Singer (THE BEASTMASTER himself)––decides to take out one of the alien Visitors by sliding off the hood of a spaceship and knocking the alien in the face with his crotch. That this tawdry moment happens in part 2 of a project which began with such lofty political, social, and historical aims does not invalidate the fact that it objectively rules. 

See for yourself:

 

And I'm not alone here. 

 

 

When V (again, without Kenneth Johnson) was turned into a weekly TV series, they chose this exact moment––and scored by somber synth music, no less!––to cap the opening credits sequence. They even freeze frame it. Don't believe me? Just watch.

 

Anyway. I just wanted to make sure that all of you were aware of this. And I'll be returning to V: THE SERIES quite soon for even more harebrained observations. (For the record, V: THE SERIES is terrible, and if you decide to enjoy the saga, do yourself a favor and quit at the end of V: THE FINAL BATTLE.)

Film Review: THE NEXT KARATE KID (1994, Christopher Cain)

Stars: 2 of 5.

Running Time: 107 minutes. 

Notable Cast or Crew: Hilary Swank (BOYS DON'T CRY, MILLION DOLLAR BABY), Pat Morita (THE KARATE KID, COLLISION COURSE), Michael Ironside (TOTAL RECALL, SCANNERS), Sonny Trinidad (THE KARATE KID PART II, DARKMAN), Walton Goggins (VICE PRINCIPALS, THE HATEFUL EIGHT), Constance Towers (SHOCK CORRIDOR, THE NAKED KISS), Chris Conrad ("Johnny Cage" in MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION, CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER). Cinematography by Lazlo Kovacs (FIVE EASY PIECES, EASY RIDER).

Tag-line: "Who says the good guy has to be a guy?"

Best one-liner:  "I don't care if you're a friend of the Pope!"

 

Okay, so I'm here to talk to you about THE NEXT KARATE KID. And what can I say? It shifts the action from the iconic Los Angeles/"All Valley" environs to the suburbs of Boston. It dumps Cobra Kai for a weird high school jock-club called the "Alpha Elite." It feels mostly like a generic KARATE KID rip-off that managed to accidentally snag Pat Morita, so they had to quickly rebrand it as a bona fide sequel. Also, this thing is shot by ace Hungarian arthouse cinematographer Lazlo Kovacs. Lazlo "FIVE EASY PIECES/PAPER MOON/EASY RIDER" Kovacs. Madness.

Hilary Swank plays Julie Pierce, Mr. Miyagi's latest protégé. She's the bangs-wearing granddaughter of a Miyagi war buddy and an orphan being cared for by her grandmother (Constance Towers, of Sam Fuller fame). She is introduced while giving a series of eyebrow-arching exposition dumps to her grandmother; all of which is information that she already knows.

 Just an incredible way to convey that information.

In subsequent years, Hilary Swank went on to perform nuanced and award-winning work in a number of studio and indie films and has even won two Oscars for her efforts. In THE NEXT KARATE KID, however, she is–––how do I put this?––"not great." It's not entirely her fault; the screenplay is a mess and I'm certain that the majority of the direction she received was "crinkle your face as if you are smelling an unpleasant odor," which is certainly a choice. Hey, it's from the director of YOUNG GUNS, I don't know what you want.

And even though Swank is twenty years old and far more high school-adjacent than anyone who appeared in GREASE, the costuming and styling here make her look, to my eyes, like a thirty-year-old playing Punky Brewster. However, it was my wife who really hit the nail on the head when she said, "She looks like she's supposed to be Michelle Tanner's visiting Greek cousin from that one episode of FULL HOUSE"

 

which is probably the most accurate assessment we're ever going to get. We can go ahead and close the book on that one. 

Anyway, Swank's character is content to play hooky and deliver monologues to her pet bird of prey,

but then, look out, folks: bullies!

These tuff guys in the Levis are members of the aforementioned "Alpha Elite," and the only one of them who looks under forty is Baby Walton Goggins.

Wait, what... Goggins?! (I happen to think he's one of our finest working actors, and it's hilarious to see him play a twerpy little bully like this. Love it. Just think of it as a prequel to VICE PRINCIPALS.)

The Alpha Elite are overseen by legendary Canadian character actor and Junta Juleil hall-of-famer, Michael Ironside. 

He is the ersatz John Kreese of this movie, and it's a role Ironside was born to play. Bellowing at middle-aged high schoolers about how they need to "toughen up," baring his teeth, and kickin' butt. That's the Ironside way. He's basically his character from STARSHIP TROOPERS. When Miyagi shows up to cast aspersions on his teaching acumen,

he stares him down with that patented Ironside crazy-face (see also: HIGHLANDER 2: THE QUICKENING) 

 

and says, "I don't care if you're a friend of the Pope." Um, good one?

I think the Alpha Elite are supposed to be a dojo, a sports team, an ROTC-type organization, and the high school's hall monitors, all at once. None of this really matters, because the movie is not so invested in their plot line. Ironside gets about fifteen minutes of screen-time, and the movie routinely and immediately forgets about the Alpha Elite each time they are built up as a threat.

At prom, they bungee jump down from the rafters and... intimidate the crowd, I guess?

I don't know why this happens, or to what purpose, and, hell, I just watched the movie.

The bulk of the film revolves around Swank's karate training which takes place at a Zen Buddhist monastery somewhere in the wilds of Massachusetts. Hilary Swank practices karate moves in a montage set to a song by The Cranberries.

This is mostly to remind us that it's 1994, but it also demonstrates that Hilary Swank's karate moves are technically more proficient than Ralph Macchio's. Heresy? I don't think so. Look at that crane kick. Elsewhere, she's got some practically JCVD-adjacent extension.

There's a zany subplot where the monks leave the monastery and go bowling. I never promised you a rose garden.

Look at this shirt Miyagi is wearing. Just look at it.

 (Borrowed from Sinbad?)

Because "wax on, wax off" is far too manly to teach to a woman, apparently, Swank obtains her "karate while doing a mundane task" merit badge from Miyagi by... babysitting.

Also, the entire sequence is written and shot in such a way as to render it completely indistinguishable from an actual NERF commercial. Anyway, that's how women learn karate in the film's universe: through childcare and NERF fights. Whew.

There's also a subplot where Swank is dating this forty-five-year-old high school student,

and ya know what, we can just skip that, it's cool.

All of this leads to a sudden finale where a car gets blown up

and then Ironside comes back for revenge, 

and it feels very unmotivated, like what's he getting revenge for exactly?, and then Ironside's faux-Kreese battles Miyagi in a facsimile of the fight scene that opens KARATE KID PART II, except instead of booping his opponent's nose at a climactic moment,

Miyagi comically blows him over with a puff of air. There's a bit of fight choreography that stuck out to me, though: at one point, Miyagi grabs Ironside by his forearms, causing him to look down in horror,

a strange replay/homage to the iconic Schwarzenegger vs. Ironside "See you at the party, Richter" fight in TOTAL RECALL,  

 wherein Ironside loses his arms. So there you have it, folks: THE NEXT KARATE KID.

As a final note, I think that TV's COBRA KAI––which is one of the best purveyors of nostalgia out there, and the best current '80s reboot I can think of––should absolutely embrace THE NEXT KARATE KID. Get Walton Goggins and Michael Ironside in there. Then Hilary Swank should show up in the series finale, announce that Miyagi taught only her his most treasured karate secrets, and kick everyone's ass.