Only now does it occur to me... STAR WARS: DROIDS––THE PIRATE AND THE PRINCE (1985)

Only now does it occur to me.... that, for the serious STAR WARS fan, there are at least a few bizarre reasons to watch the aggressively mediocre DROIDS animated series (1985-1986). This one I'm looking at today is a four-episode story arc that's been edited into a feature-length film called THE PIRATE AND THE PRINCE. [There are fourteen episodes of this nonsense in toto, eight of which are available on DVD, and the idea is that they take place in roughly the fifteen years before STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (1977).] The major draws are the vocal appearance of Anthony Daniels as C-3PO, the use of Ben Burtt's iconic sound design, a number of obscure STAR WARS references for the diehards, and a barrage of laughable insanity endemic to '80s cartoons made on the cheap.


Big daisy chain energy



Feels like a Salacious Crumb reference

I don't really need to touch too much on the main plot, which is about scepters and magic orbs and alien princes and things we don't really care about. So––without further ado––eleven minutiae I noticed about THE PIRATE AND THE PRINCE cycle:


#1. R2-D2 and C-3PO spend an inordinate amount of time in this piece waiting tables. While 3PO looks pretty snazzy in an apron, I think it's mostly so they can have a throwback to R2 serving cocktails in RETURN OF THE JEDI.

This guy is totally a reject from YELLOW SUBMARINE



Also, it's worth noting that their throwback-diner cook boss is a grizzled, four-armed alien

and the clear inspiration for one of George Lucas' most eye-rolling prequel characters, the dirty bellyshirt-wearing "Dexter Jettster."

#2. On that note, one of the stupidest vehicles from the prequels (from REVENGE OF THE SITH)––a big wheel with legs on it––

 

seemingly found its origin in these episodes of DROIDS. Lucas and his staff were apparently diving deep in the archives when it came to vehicle design.

It's just a big wheel and you ride in it

#3. Not to mention that this is apparently the source of Adam Driver's "Kylo Ren" from the sequel trilogy. You see, the main antagonist is a tantrum-throwing space pirate named "Kybo Ren," who is essentially a heavyset outlaw biker/Mongol invader straight out of an American International picture.


Huh. I guess J.J. liked the name?


#4. Stylistically, I'm fairly impressed by how well they adhere to the STAR WARS canon. We have the same Kurosawa-inspired wipes as in the live-action films, the Ben Burtt sound effects are well-curated (he had a hand in the production and some of the storylines), and they've clearly paid attention to the starship design, even when it comes to minor vehicles, glimpsed in passing in the movies.

A-Wings, etc.

They're plugged in to what the nerd kids paid attention to. Which means that for every generic biker-pirate, there's a––

#5. Sy Snootles cameo?!

Behold Sy Snootles, the lead singer in Jabba the Hutt's house band:

I appreciate the general willingness to go for semi-obscure movie references when they could have easily gone for completely generic aliens in every case (don't worry, there are a lot of generic aliens, too). She's also been slightly bowdlerized a bit in, shall we say, the mammary region, which is probably for the best. At least she kept her snazzy peacock feather.


#6. IG-88 cameo.

He's a droid extra with no lines––it's not even an under-five situation––in the background of a scene in THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, when Boba Fett is first introduced:

In this cartoon, he's a minor antagonist, and he actually speaks English––in a tone very similar to James Earl Jones' Darth Vader. Who knew?


#7. Space Grace Jones. I'm pretty sure the female lead (the extremely non-STAR WARS sounding "Jessica Meade") is loosely based on Grace Jones.


She's got a flattop and a lot of badass energy, though she can't compare to actual sci-fi Grace Jones, last seen at Junta Juleil in CYBER BANDITS. At least she gets a scene where she knocks over a gigantic alien goon, wedges him in a doorway, and then uses his juicy caboose as some kind of springboard after saying "Ladies first."



#8. I have to tip my hat to a scene where R2-D2 pretends to be a torture droid in order to trick a confession out of a perp. Gives a real window into R2 and 3PO's essentially S&M relationship, too.


C-3PO is actually praying


More on this later, I guess.


#9. I also appreciate when a Gamorrean Guard (from Jabba's Palace in RETURN OF THE JEDI) and a generic alien pull the ol' crouch n' shove on C-3PO, sending him careening (toward a crotch).



#10. Sex robots. An old prospector in the cantina dances with what can only be described as the low-rent sex-bot version of Rosie from THE JETSONS.

Based on his look of pervy smugness (he's winking, for godssakes!) and the blow-up doll-inspired rouge detailing, I really don't think there's any other way to read this. Pretty sure this is the first time that STAR WARS ever tackled this issue, at least until SOLO's depiction of the complicated relationship between Lando and his FLEABAG droid.


#11. Speaking of which, the DROIDS series really lets R2 and 3PO explore their sensuality.



And I'm 90% certain that this was animated by at least one person with a "Sir Mix-a-Lot-adjacent" fetish. The number of roly-poly dudes who end up with their asses in the air cannot be denied.

Probably a good note to end on. To be continued...

Film Review: CYBER BANDITS (1995, Erik Fleming)

Stars: 2.5 of 5.

Running Time: 86 minutes.

Notable Cast or Crew: Martin Kemp (WAXWORK II, THE KRAYS, of "Spandau Ballet" fame), Alexandra Paul (CHRISTINE, BAYWATCH), Adam Ant (of "Adam and the Ants," NOMADS, JUBILEE), Grace Jones (A VIEW TO A KILL, CONAN THE DESTROYER), Henry Gibson (NASHVILLE, THE 'BURBS, THE BLUES BROTHERS), James Hong (BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, BLADE RUNNER), Nils Allen Stewart (BLOODSPORT 2, FIREPOWER), Robert Hays (AIRPLANE!, CAT'S EYE, TV's STARMAN). Written by James Dale Robinson (THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN) and James Goldman (William Goldman's brother, the playwright who wrote THE LION IN WINTER, FOLLIES, and THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS––here he is credited as "Winston Beard").

Tag-line: "Welcome to cyberspace. Where danger is a virtual reality."

Best one-liner: "Strap him down, boys!" (said by Grace Jones)

In a familiar, darkened alleyway:

"What are we watching tonight?"
–"Tonight, we're going to catch a glimpse the future."
"Oh yeah?"
–"Well, take a peek, kiddo––if you can handle it. It's called CYBER BANDITS:"

Cool Cyber Dudes




Life-Size Cyber Strippers


Pocket-Size Cyber Strippers


Read-only Optical Memory

 "The future kinda looks like 1995."
–"The hell it does!"
"Is that a CD-ROM?"
–"Maybe. But what if in the future they have experimental hard drives that hold millions of terabytes of data and they happen to look like CD-ROMs?"
"Oookay. If it's gonna be watered-down cyberpunk, can we just watch BRAINSCAN instead?"
–"No. Trust me, you're gonna like CYBER BANDITS. For starters, its cast is comprised almost entirely of famous musicians and John Carpenter actors."
"Hmm. Go on."
–"Almost everyone in this film has razor-sharp cheekbones and ice-blue eyes, and it's all accompanied by aggressive house music and fusion jazz noodling. Look at this, it's just three, nearly identical, cheek-bony men staring at each other's cheekbones. It's like being held captive in a hall-of-mirrors at a German discotheque."

"Okay. Is that, um, Adam Ant?"
–"Maybe."
"Does this movie have a plot?"
"Of course it does. So there's an evil millionaire, played by Robert Hays (who played STARMAN on TV, albeit not directed by John Carpenter), who is financing a device capable of erasing your mind and trapping you in your own catatonic body in a mental hell of your own making. Essentially, it's a jumbo-sized and more malicious version of the neuralyzer from MEN IN BLACK.

He's got Joe Dante and Robert Altman-standby Henry Gibson as his top scientist on the project, too."

"So it's more of a 'Henry Gibson picture' than a 'William Gibson picture,' eh?"
–"Oh, stop. Though, I must give a special shout-out to Gibson, who simpers and leers his way through the picture with sinister refinement, like he's a 1990s Claude Rains."

Hand over the CD-ROMs if you know what's good for you

 "I do appreciate a solid Henry Gibson performance."
–"Me too, brother. Anyway, our hero is Martin Kemp (the bassist from Spandau Ballet), who's, um, a sailor on the evil millionaire's yacht."

"I feel like this character should be played by Jean-Claude Van Damme. Or at least Jean-Faux Van Bernhardt."
–"Oh, hush. So, after a torrid affair with the millionaire's girlfriend (Alexandra Paul, from John Carpenter's CHRISTINE),

Pictured: a torrid affair from the future, and not, in fact, a torrid affair from 1995.

and against the advice of his buddy, rocker Adam Ant,

You'll note that those are the Frank Lloyd Wright tiles from BLADE RUNNER in the background!

the sailor and the girlfriend decide to steal the plans to the millionaire's neural-cyber-weapon-thing and have them laser-tattooed on Kemp's back with a bunch of little 1's and 0's. (The original title of this picture was A SAILOR'S TATTOO.)

Incidentally, this is the first (but far from the last) time Martin Kemp will be strapped down to various surfaces throughout this movie.

Also, it's worth mentioning that the man doing the tattooing is James Hong (from John Carpenter's BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA)

Note his excellent fake mustache.

who, pre-tattoo, offers them a masked, flamboyant Chinese opera performance.

He was clearly having so much fun with it, that they bring him back for a post-credits scene where he performs even more Chinese opera. Take that, Marvel movies!"
"I must say, as far as MacGuffins go, a coded tattoo is not the worst idea."
–"Of course it isn't!  Didn't I tell you who wrote this thing?"
"No."
–"Two men. One is the guy who adapted THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN..."
"Ugh."
–"...and the other is the playwright who wrote THE LION IN WINTER."
"Er, what?"
–"Who incidentally is William Goldman's brother, James. However, he chose to be credited as 'Winston Beard.' Also, don't be so hard on THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN."
"I'll be as hard on it as I want. Think about it: Sean Connery had such a bad experience working on it that he retired from acting. Therefore, if not for GENTLEMEN, we may have had Connery in INDIANA JONES AND THE CRYSTAL SKULL which fundamentally would have altered its fabric, which means it might not have had Tarzan vine-swinging and CG aliens. The pity is that we'll never know."
–"Okay, that's enough out of you. I'm about to get to the best part: the millionaire has a foil––a woman who leads a rag-tag band of cyber-resistance fighters and plans to bring him down for good: ladies and gentlemen, may I present... Grace muthahfuckin' Jones."

"That's a lot of crazy-eye."
–"It's one of her specialties, as you well know. You can also see her in Christopher Lee's Cher wig from THE WICKER MAN,

shouting things like "Strap him down, boys," feeding her pet mouse to her pet snake (with an extra side of crazy-eye),

setting up a nice cyber-office on the beach (uh... what?)

and wearing really outré outfits that I guess are supposed to be camouflage,

but read more as "Cousin It at Milan fashion week."

SURPRISE––Grace Jones!

"I'm intrigued."
–"It's a lot better than it should be. I mean, Grace Jones alone––despite less than 20 minutes of screen-time––is essentially worth the price of admission. It's like a low-rent BLADE RUNNER/NEUROMANCER with big ideas, game actors, silly costumes, and an A-list soundtrack featuring songs like 'Sploosh' by Ozric Tentacles."
"Wow. I kinda miss the '90s."
–"I think you mean, 'the future'... don't you?"