Only now does it occur to me... HIRED TO KILL (1990)

Only now does it occur to me... that HIRED TO KILL is the only movie where female commandos

 

are trained to impersonate runway models 

 

by Brian Thompson (usually a typecast heavy––COBRA, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, LIONHEART, THE X-FILES ––playing a Schwarzenegger-lite hero here) 

 

 

Sorta feels like TRUE LIES, if it were directed by Andy Sidaris

 

on the orders of Oscar-winner and literally phoned-in performer George Kennedy (COOL HAND LUKE, FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX) 

 

to rescue political prisoner and fellow Oscar-winner José Ferrer (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, MOULIN ROUGE)

 

from petty dictator Oliver Reed (GLADIATOR, THE DEVILS, THE BROOD, WOMEN IN LOVE)

 

Essentially doing Wilford Brimley cosplay?

who is, indeed, drunk and generally checked out enough so as to be indistinguishable from a cardboard cutout, a comparison which viewers can actually put to the test.

 

Cardboard cutout Oliver Reed...

versus the real McCoy.

On the whole, this mess––filmed in Greece, and set in the fictitious Mediterranean/South American country "Cypra"–– generally goes out of its way to make COMMANDO look like THE SEVENTH SEAL.

Only now does it occur to me... FEDORA (1978)

Only now does it occur to me... that Billy Wilder, in his 1978 film FEDORA, simultaneously peels back the veneer on the more ghoulish aspects Old Hollywood and sends a nostalgic love letter to the studio system. Suffice it to say, there's a lot going on in this film, but I'll make it quick.

In a story told largely in flashback, William Holden plays a washed-up, elderly Hollywood producer named "Detweiler" (which sounds a lot like "Wilder" in passing conversation)

who travels to Greece in hopes of turning up "Fedora" (Marthe Keller), a reclusive Garbo-esque screen icon who resides on an island villa, along with her sleazy plastic surgeon (José Ferrer), a macabre Polish Countess (Hildegard Knef), and her bizarre housekeeper (Frances Sternhagen). Fedora has been in a state of seclusion since a nervous breakdown on her last film shoot (after a short-lived love affair with Michael York––played with good humor by Michael York).

There is more to "Fedora" herself than meets the eye, and it soon becomes apparent that she is probably being held prisoner by this menagerie of knockoff CLUE characters.

Aha! It was... the Housekeeper in the Bedroom with the Hidden Wall of Michael York Photos!

Without revealing the main payoff (which comes about an hour earlier than it should), I'll say that FEDORA often feels like a watered-down, latter-day Hitchcock/early De Palma flick, and its primary motivation seems to be a postmodern critique of Hollywood through a postmodern distortion of Billy Wilder's own SUNSET BOULEVARD. All of this is relatively interesting.

I wouldn't call it a failure by any means, but I also wouldn't say that it's particularly enjoyable. Perhaps it's only overdue for a campier remake by John Waters.

With Kathleen Turner as the Countess?

Anyway, the entire basis of this post is a hilarious moment where William Holden's character is lamenting the end of the studio system, by (playfully?) attacking the rising generation of young American filmmakers, the so-called '70s "movie brats," as the reason why he can't make movies anymore. He says,
 
"It's a whole different business now––the kids with beards have taken over! They don't need scripts! Just give 'em a handheld camera with a zoom lens!"

By "the kids with beards," he is surely referring to Martin Scorsese, Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, Brian De Palma, George Lucas, et al., and while it's not a particularly vicious critique, it's interesting to see a contemporary (and possibly facetious) reaction from Wilder to a Hollywood he barely recognizes.

Film Review: THE EVIL THAT MEN DO (1984, J. Lee Thompson)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 90 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Charles Bronson, José Ferrer, John Glover, Joseph Maher.
Tag-line: "In the execution of justice there is no executioner like BRONSON."
Best one-liner: "Three is all right with me!"

"In the execution of justice there is no executioner like BRONSON," says the tag-line. The fifth of about twelve billion collaborations between Charles Bronson and English director J. Lee Thompson (ST. IVES, DEATH WISH 4), THE EVIL THAT MEN DO is one of those Bronsons that frequently shifts between 'mediocre' and 'fan-fuckin-tastic.' J. Lee wants you to know right off the bat that he is not effin' around, so he introduces our villain, Dr. Molloch, a kindly old man who kills captured dissidents for a living. We begin with frontal nudity, electrodes on balls, and a tooth-snappingly horrific torture session. It's not long before ex-hitman Bronson's on the case and killing those responsible, one by one. Standard stuff. But here's eight reasons why this flick is still of note:

#1. Associate producer Jill Ireland. Gotta fit her in somehow.

#2. How damn happy Bronson is at his beachside home.

He's all smiles, and has a friendship with a fish named Quasimodo. Unfortunately the evil that men do requires Bronson to take a road trip to Guatemala.

#3. John Glover. One of the finest actors of all time.

Here, he plays an evil, mincing U.S. ambassador who is sleazy to the max. His best scene involves a weaselly rage directed at some warm Guatemalan beer.

"It's CALIENTE!"

#4. Extended Bronson low blow. Now, the other day, I see that someone found this site by Googling "brutal ball-squeezing." I now feel as if I have standards of quality in brutal ball-squeezing to maintain. So, submitted, for your consideration:




In perhaps the longest balls-grab in film history, Bronson dives at some goon's junk with both hands- twisting and crumpling for nearly a minute- until the big lug passes out. DAMN!

#5. Undercover Bronson pretending to be a swinger.

Bronson:

"We've been into things like wife-swappin'. THREE'S all right with ME!"

Unsuspecting villain: "You got a place?"

Bronson:

"YOU BET!"

My mind has been blown.


#6. Bronson's look of disdain as he hides beneath a mattress as two lesbians do it!

He seems to showing the rare Bronson emotion of FEAR. Is he afraid of the concept of lesbianism or that he'll be crushed by the mattress?

One of my all-time favorite Bronson scenes best viewed out of context.


#7. Another dummy flung from a great height.

When I first said I thought this was in Bronson's contract, I meant it as a joke, but now I'm beginning to think I've been right from the start.

#8. The FREAKS-style revenge finale. I won't spoil it, but after some run-of-the-mill car chases, it ends on a borderline trashy, extremely cathartic note.

Four stars.

-Sean Gill