Only now does it occur to me... Dick Maas' DOWN/THE SHAFT (2001)

Only now does it occur to me... that on this Halloween I ought to spare a few thoughts for Dick Maas' own "Hollywood" remake of his 1983 Dutch elevator-horror film, THE LIFT. Like the original, it's the classic tale of a machine with a mind of its own terrorizing the occupants of a high-rise. Probably the greatest mark it left on pop culture was to inspire the mediocre X-FILES episode, "Ghost in the Machine."

Known as both "DOWN" and "THE SHAFT," this American remake has a far larger budget and a truer commitment to gleeful misanthropy: the elevator's victims include children, the disabled, seeing-eye dogs, and pregnant women. He recreates several scenes from the original, shot-for-shot,

1983


2001



1983

2001

though this time he manages to fit in an extended sequence of schweet X-treme rollerblading


which ends with one of the rollerbladers sucked up in a parking garage by the killer elevator and launched from the observation deck onto the sidewalk below, so I have to tip my hat to that sort of shit. This one's ending is a little more low-rent DIE HARD than the original and involves a bazooka

and a makeout sesh' set to Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator" so I guess that probably sets the scene for you.

Like the original, it's still pretty committed to the banality of elevator repair (James Marshall––TWIN PEAKS' James Hurley––plays the intrepid elevator engineer originally played by Huub Stapel).

Naomi Watts takes over Willeke van Ammelrooy's role of the elevator journalist/love interest (her last role before her breakthrough in MULHOLLAND DRIVE).

Edward Herrmann (OVERBOARD, THE LOST BOYS) plays the building manager, who for all intents and purposes is "The Mayor from JAWS" of this picture.


Ron Perlman pops up as a passionate elevator executive who doesn't like elevator journalists poking around his business, so he shouts things like "goddamit!" all the time.



Dan Hedaya sorta phones it in as a hardboiled elevator-hating cop, which reminds me that

Hedaya and Ron Perlman were really on their way to being a real Tracey/Hepburn in the late '90s, appearing together in three movies (this, ALIEN: RESURRECTION, Joe Dante's THE SECOND CIVIL WAR) within a four-year span. Why'd they have to go and break that streak?

Finally, we have Canadian Jack Nicholson and Junta Juleil Hall-O-Famer Michael Ironside

as "that German prick from elevator research" and he has this look on his face throughout like he's a little surprised to even be there

but he's still trying his best, even when explaining that an elevator he's possessed with military-grade microchip goop could somehow usher in a new Age of the Medici. It's not too big of a spoiler to say that he meets his demise via elevator after failing to kill James Hurley in hand-to-hand combat


when CGI elevator cables start whipping about like deranged snakes


and send him to the high-rise gallows. Alongside TOTAL RECALL's "See you at the party, Richter" moment, this marks at least the second time in film history that Ironside has been dispatched by an elevator.

Most of the dialogue is delivered by the cast in a stilted manner, as if English isn't their first language, even though it is in most cases. This lends it a kind of lesser-Bava or Fulci feel that almost evolves into a Lynchian one

given the cast's history––James Marshall (TWIN PEAKS, TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN), Naomi Watts (MULHOLLAND DRIVE, RABBITS, TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN), and Dan Hedaya (MULHOLLAND DRIVE). There's even a scene at a '50s diner,


though, sadly, it is not a Winkie's.

The final aspect I must mention in relation to THE SHAFT is the "9/11" one. This film debuted at Cannes in May 2001 and was released in the Netherlands on September 6, 2001. Its American release was cancelled (though it eventually made it to straight-to-video in 2003) because of the September 11th attacks.

Many films were delayed by 9/11, including Schwarzenegger's COLLATERAL DAMAGE, the Guy Pearce remake of THE TIME MACHINE, and the Gwyneth Paltrow romcom VIEW FROM THE TOP. These decisions were made for reasons ranging from, respectively, "a building in Los Angeles explodes," "New York is damaged by meteors," and "the majority of scenes involve flight attendants at work." THE SHAFT is a different animal entirely. It doesn't merely have scenes of carnage in a high-rise,

though that certainly would have been enough to delay it, given the climate. It doesn't merely have scenes of a U.S. President somberly addressing the nation about a terrorist attack in New York.


And it doesn't merely show the World Trade Center as a B-roll shot during that speech.

Nor does it merely feature jokes about how terrorism against skyscrapers sells newspapers,


depict squads of nervous NYPD swarming lower Manhattan, or highlight the danger that terrorists with hijacked airplanes could pose.

Nor does it simply point out the attacks against the World Trade Center in 1993...

...no, it actually name-drops Osama Bin Laden:

In retrospect, it's certainly spooky to watch this aspect play out––and if I know American cult film audiences, this will likely be the major reason the film will be remembered in the long run.

"Fictional Dystopias Better Than the One We're Living In" in Booth

My latest conceptual piece, "Fictional Dystopias Better Than the One We're Living In" has been published in the January 2020 issue of Booth, the literary journal of Butler University.

Only now does it occur to me... SONS OF ANARCHY, "CAREGIVER" (3x3) (2010)

Only now does it occur to me... that Stephen King's "Bachman" character, who appears in a just a few minutes of one season three episode ("Caregiver"), ought to have his own spin-off series.

Without giving away any substantial SONS OF ANARCHY spoilers, I'll say that it's a show about violent biker gangs that somehow combines the sensibilities of STONE COLD and HAMLET.  It's a veritable playground for some great character actors like Ron Perlman, Katey Sagal, William Lucking, and Kim Coates to ply their trade.  It's a guilty pleasure that occasionally approaches art, like CON AIR.

In any event, in this particular third season episode, circumstances arise that demand the talents of a "cleaner," that old crime-scene-erasing cliché of hardboiled stories, a profession perhaps most popularly depicted by Harvey Keitel in PULP FICTION.  The "cleaner" that they call here is "Bachman" (the name itself a nod to King's nom de plume "Richard Bachman")



King shows up, riding his real-life motorcycle and wearing his own biker attire.  What follows are three or four minutes of spectacular television, as King kookily creeps us out in a very reserved, soft-spoken way.  He demands "80s music" before descending below to dispose of the body– while the actual disposal is left to the imagination, the viewer certainly imagines hacksaws, vats of acid, or worse.  Later, he demonstrates hilarious taste in home decor during a brilliantly bizarre coda that I shan't spoil here.

I'd dare to say King's performance is nuanced, which may come as a shock if you've only seen him as Jordy Verrill in CREEPSHOW or "Hoagie Man" in KNIGHTRIDERS.  Though SONS OF ANARCHY is not a horrorshow in the traditional sense, I think that Stephen King's alter-ego doing unspeakable things in a basement warrants mention in the midst of a Halloween countdown!

2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN

1.  FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 2: TEXAS BLOOD MONEY (1999, Scott Spiegel)

2.  MARK OF THE VAMPIRE (1935, Tod Browning)

3.  FULL MOON HIGH (1981, Larry Cohen)

4.  EIGHT-LEGGED FREAKS (2002, Ellory Elkayem)

5.  MASTERS OF HORROR: WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM (2007, Tom Holland)
6. ...

Only now does it occur to me... ALIEN: RESURRECTION

Only now does it occur to me...  that the finest moment in this chapter of the ALIEN saga is when Brad Dourif comes face to face with a Xenomorph (behind "safety" glass) and proceeds to out-do, out-weird, out-smooch, and out-crazy H.R. Giger's macabre creation.


Can a mere mortal (with only inspired facial expressions at his disposal) be more bizarre, more outlandish than a phallic, goopy, black lacquered S&M monster with a mouth-inside-its-mouth and a decades-old cult following?  The answer is, plainly:  YES.

It also bears mentioning that ALIEN: RESURRECTION is not nearly so bad as its reputation, and is a fairly enjoyable Euro-trash romp featuring nice character-actor performances from Dourif, Ron Perlman, Dan Hedaya, J.E. Freeman, and Dominique Pinon.  There are some really nice latex-ey creature effects juxtaposed with some horrible 90s CGI; Winona Ryder joins the ranks of Ian Holm and Lance Henriksen as an android; and Sigourney Weaver gets to do a zany, basketball-themed "action" scene, the best/worst of its kind since ESCAPE FROM L.A.  Amen!

Film Review: SLEEPWALKERS (1992, Mick Garris)

Stars: 3.2 of 5.
Running Time: 91 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Brian Krause (RETURN TO THE BLUE LAGOON), Mädchen Amick (TWIN PEAKS, MY OWN WORST ENEMY), Alice Krige (TWILIGHT OF THE ICE NYMPHS, BARFLY), Ron Perlman (HELLBOY, IN THE NAME OF THE ROSE), Glenn Shadix (HEATHERS, BEETLEJUICE), Mark Hamill (VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED, BODY BAGS). Cameos by Stephen King, Clive Barker, Tobe Hooper, Joe Dante, John Landis.
Tag-line: "They feast on your fear - and it's dinner time." That sounds about right.
Best one-liner: (stabs policeman in the ear with a pencil) "Cop-kabob!" Wowww.

Full of the silly, sloppy storytelling that typifies the collaborations between Mick Garris and Stephen King, SLEEPWALKERS still manages to be a pretty enjoyable experience. This thing is no SILVER BULLET or CREEPSHOW, but it's leaps and bounds above the (Garris) TV movies of THE STAND or THE SHINING. The plot is kind of a CAT PEOPLE/DRACULA mash-up involving incest, virgin sacrifice, morphing automobiles, powers of invisibility, and teenage romance. And we've got King taking that whole 50's Americana thing a bit too far, as always.


Gotta love the cat family portrait.

In the tradition of "General" from CAT'S EYE, we've got a damned likable housecat performance courtesy of "Sparks," who plays "Clovis."

"Sparks" is pretty solid, but he's nowhere near the thespian that "General" was in CAT'S EYE. I'm serious. Rewatch CAT'S EYE and tell me I'm wrong.


But the number one thing that makes this movie work is a little lady named Mädchen Amick (Shelly from TWIN PEAKS).

Her first appearance involves a really spazzy, impromptu, solo dance number worthy of Elaine Benes;

and, throughout the film, she exudes sheer pathos and an adorable magnetism. Generally, in a film of this kind, you couldn't give two shits about the damsel in distress- but here, Amick outshines both the colorful villains and bumpkin-style character actors- a true feat. There's bit parts by Ron Perlman (an a-hole state trooper), Mark Hamill (a stupefied cop),

Hamill + 'stache.

Glenn Shadix (a smug schoolteacher), and Stephen King (doing that whole yokel routine again).

Clive Barker doesn't have the heart to tell Stephen King that, though he's seen CREEPSHOW seven times, he's always fast-forwarded through the segment starring King as the plant-infected hillbilly.


Tobe Hooper comes face to face with what he might look like if he shaved the beard- and he's not sure he likes it.

There's a slew of horror cameos (Barker, Hooper, Dante, etc.), an overload of really cheap 'loud noise' scare stingers, perhaps the first (and last?) Mr. Pibb product placement, and an avenging army of pissed off cats.

Then there's the one-liners. Yeah, there are a lot, and boy, are they bad:

"I don't think you're getting into the spirit of this- why don't you think of yourself... AS LUNCH!"

Where things start to get iffy.

Then there's, "People should learn to keep their hands to themselves...HERE'S YOURS!"

And finally, after a corn cob impaling: "No vegetables- no dessert... those are the rules."

That's not even a one-liner! Plus, he ATE his vegetables!

Ah, well. Three stars.

-Sean Gill


2009 Halloween Countdown OVERFLOW

1. [•REC] (2007, Jaume Balagueró & Paco Plaza)
2. THE MANITOU (1978, William Girdler)
3. SLEEPWALKERS (1992, Mick Garris)
4.
...

Film Review: THE NAME OF THE ROSE (1986, Jean-Jacques Annaud)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 130 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Sean Connery, Christian Slater, F. Murray Abraham, Ron Perlman (HELLBOY), Feodor Chaliapin, Jr. (INFERO), William Hickey (WISE BLOOD, PINK CADILLAC, REMO WILLIAMS), Vernon Dobtcheff (the Nazi butler in INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE), Elya Baskin (AIR FORCE ONE, SPIDERMAN 2), Michael Lonsdale (THE PHANTOM OF LIBERTY, THE LAST MISTRESS), Urs Althaus (NEW YORK RIPPER, WARBUS).
Tag-lines: "Who, in the name of God, is getting away with murder?"
Best one-liner(s): "My dear Adso, we must not allow ourselves to be influenced by irrational rumors of the Antichrist, hmm? Let us instead exercise our brains and try to solve this tantalizing conundrum."

A brilliant, moving tale of the import of knowledge and the power of repression. Sean Connery as the learned monk William of Baskerville is absolute perfection, beginning a string of fantastic late 80's performances culminating in THE UNTOUCHABLES, THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, and INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE. The only times I've seen him better are possibly THE HILL or THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KING. Christian Slater plays his young apprentice in one of his earliest roles. The Slater factor is surprisingly low here, mainly because of his uncharacteristically low-key eyebrow performance and the fact that it's really the Sean Connery show.

Slater factor mostly neutralized by restrained use of eyebrows and presence of Sean Connery.

Somehow this international production recalls not only the wonder of vintage (violent) German fairy tales, the exquisitely spun mysteries of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, and the operatic visuals of Sergio Leone (thanks to phenomenal cinematography by Tonino Delli Colli), but also the muted poeticism of classic French cinema. Supposedly Robert De Niro was meant to play William, but was dismissed by director Jean-Jacques Annaud when he insisted on a gratuitous sword-fight sequence. This movie is not a swashbuckler, a 'Gotcha!' mystery, nor a witchcraft exploitation film. It is a languid, thoughtful, and humble work. Annaud even begins the film by respectfully crediting Umberto Eco's work, not even claiming to have made an adaptation, but rather a 'palimpsest.' This film derives power and poignancy from a work where it could have all too easily devolved into groan-mustering mawkishness, and that is a difficult feat, indeed.