Indeed he spends more than an hour of this film in the back of a van, earpiece firmly attached, gabbin' on the phone, and occasionally molding his eyebrows into expressions of surprise or concern. Sorry to see you like this, Mike.
So what are we looking at here? This is MUTANTS (2008), essentially a SyFy Channel-caliber film about zombie mutants in an evil sugar factory. There's everything from poorly-considered Russian accents, meager lighting, and several explosions whose CGI would compare unfavorably to that of an early 90s screen-saver.
FOOOOOSH... better to have blown it up with flying toasters, I think.
The other "name" in the film, if we can call him that, is Brian De Palma-alumnus Steven Bauer, who can't even be bothered to phone in his performance– he delivers it via webcam:
A classic one-liner that will live on in the annals of film: "Get to the cane mill and put an end to it." Might I submit instead: "Blow 'em up into sweet nothings!" or "Go raise some cane!"
Anyway, back to Ironside: he plays the typical paramilitary badass we know and love ("Colonel Gauge"), but, as stated previously, the budget confines him to the back of a van for more than 75% of the run-time. In the final twenty minutes, he boldly exits the van and kicks some righteous ass:
–er, no he doesn't. He just wanders around an empty warehouse for a couple minutes and stabs a fat man.
And not the good kind.
Then there's the indignity of the end credits, whereupon his military rank is misspelled:
In closing, I shall sum up the film– and Ironside's involvement– with a screen capture of Iron Mike staring in disbelief at an empty clip of ammunition, reflecting on the impotent futility of human endeavor:
"Ah, shit. At least I got paid. ...Whaddya mean the check's in the mail?"
2014 HALLOWEEN COUNTDOWN