Only now does it occur to me... THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Only now does it occur to me...  that the James Bond series had the balls to basically insert a Hammer horror villain into not only one, but two of their films, (and three if we count Christopher Lee in THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN).

Now I'd seen chunks of this film on TV as a kid, and was already well-aware of the pop-culture phenomenon that is Richard Kiel's "Jaws" (a hulking brute with steel-capped teeth) but I don't think I'd ever seen THE SPY WHO LOVED ME in its entirety till this week.

For God's sake– the first time we meet him, he's biting someone in the throat in an Egyptian tomb while bathed in Hammer/Bava-style green light.


 
And then there's the whole "Jaws vs. Jaws" entanglement, which ends poetically with Jaws biting Jaws to death.



It is without a doubt the most artistic "man biting shark to death" scene ever committed to celluloid.  Apparently (Kiel's) Jaws was saved from a watery grave by test screenings that affirmed his inherent likability as a shark-man-and-steel-cable-biting madman.  In my mind, he's second in "metallically modified gimmicky villains of the 1970s" only to Chuck Connors' "Claw Zuckerman" in 99 AND 44/100% DEAD.

Anyway, they should have gone all the way and just replaced the "James Bond will return in..." credit at the end with "Jaws will return in MOONRAKER."  And he did.

Film Review: 13 FRIGHTENED GIRLS! (1963, William Castle)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 89 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Kathy Dunn (RIDE WITH TERROR, KINGS OF BROADWAY), Lynne Sue Moon (TO SIR, WITH LOVE; 55 DAYS AT PEKING), Murray Hamilton (The Mayor in JAWS, THE GRADUATE, THE HUSTLER), Joyce Taylor (TWICE TOLD TALES; ATLANTIS, THE LOST CONTINENT), Hugh Marlowe (ALL ABOUT EVE, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL), Khigh Dhiegh (THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE, SECONDS), Charlie Briggs (CHARLEY VARRICK, THE BEGUILED).
Tag-line: "13 TERRIFIED TEENAGERS ON THE RUN!"
Best one-liner: "I definitely shall." (See context below).
AKA: THE CANDY WEB.

What's better than 13 GHOSTS? How 'bout 13 FRIGHTENED GIRLS!

William Castle is a genius. Remarkably, it took me a some time to come to this realization. (And not necessarily quite in the same sense I mean when I make wild claims that Golan and Globus, or the people who created THE LETTER PEOPLE, or those who wrote the CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE novels are geniuses.) The zany shocks, the silly gimmicks, the unabashed joy of filmmaking: they're all genuine, but they're also a smoke-screen. Castle puts on his big jester's cap, tokes on his cigar, and wows us with some trivial, childish entertainments– or so he'd have us think. From HOMICIDAL to LET'S KILL UNCLE, Castle has snuck all sorts of startlingly subversive material into his films, camouflaging it beneath a noisiy, tramping parade of doe-eyed teenyboppers and dopey-grinned whippersnappers.

Ostensibly Castle's take on the Hitchcockian espionage subgenre (see: SABOTAGE, SABOTEUR, FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT, THE THIRTY-NINE STEPS, THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH, NORTH BY NORTHWEST, etc.), 13 FRIGHTENED GIRLS! delivers silly thrills, cheap scares (i.e., a cat is thrown onto our protagonist by a stagehand),

and more double-crosses than you can shake a stick at. The plot concerns thirteen (actually, fifteen) girls from a Swiss boarding academy who go on holiday to London. The twist: all are daughters of top brass diplomats, each from a different country. The gimmick: all except our two main characters- 'Candy' Hull of America (Kathy Dunn) and Mai-Ling of China (Lynne Sue Moon)- were William Castle contest winners from such varied nations as Sweden, Australia, Liberia, and Argentina. Most of them have very few lines- if any- and while some have character names, most are billed in the credits simply by the nations they represent: "Venezuela." "Japan." "Canada." They all get a great moment at the end where they soullessly wave at the camera like a jaded law office in one of those cheapie late-nite TV commercials.

'Wave to the camera, girls....perfect.'

The gimmick went a step further, too– allow me to explain. Now, the opening sequence depicts Candy- having just taken first prize in the school's Latin competition- earning the wondrous and much-sought-after privilege of driving the school bus to the airport. A ginormous arachnid descends upon the windshield, causing Candy to swerve the vehicle like a drunken banshee down the perilous mountain roads. She crashes (relatively safely), and the opening credits roll.



[They filmed this sequence at least five times over, each time with a different contest winner taking the wheel for the wild ride, releasing those alternate versions only in the home countries. The new DVD shows us what they saw in England, Sweden, France, and Germany.]

In addition to being a possible inspiration for A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2's opening sequence, this is just one of many insane adult situations foisted upon our sixteen-year-old heroine. Let's look at a few other things which would likely not pass muster today in a children's movie:

Candy's attempts to seduce her father's forty-something co-worker and friend (Murray Hamilton), insisting that though he's known her through childhood, now she is a woman:


Candy's Chinese Embassy shenanigans interrupted by the brutal discovery of a body skewered on a meat hook:



Candy further employing her skills of seduction, first on a fellow diplomat's son from Spain–

and then on a Russian-spy-posing-as-a-Dutchman, which gets her into hot water when he drugs her, forcefeeds her scotch, and prepares to fling her off of a precipice:

which naturally leads to an ole 'tables are turned' scenario, and some schweet dummy-flinging:


Now all of that is certainly edgy for a kid's movie, but I'm sure most of you would hesitate before labeling it 'subversive.' So let me tell you a bit about the plot: Candy, wishing to save the neck of her dad's spy buddy Murray Hamilton, becomes an amateur spy herself, Code Name: Kitten. She accomplishes more in a few short days than the entire CIA has in the preceding year. She's spunky, she's zany, and she's thwarting World War III.

When asked about the romantic notions of spydom early in the film, Murray Hamilton explains that they're merely glorified poker players, bluffing at a fancy table with little knowledge of the big picture. Castle proceeds to draw parallels between the folly of nations and the vagaries of little girls–



general fickleness, whiny phone calls, catty cliquishness, bellyaching about prior commitments, needlessly bitchy behavior, pretending to be a know-it-all: it's all par for the course for teenage girls... and world governments. The fearless, simple bravado with which Castle draws these parallels is nothing less than goddamned great. At a time (like any other, I suppose) when the masses are trained to believe that the men with the fingers on the doomsday buttons are crack decision makers and the most rational of human beings, Castle dares to drag them into the mud, to tear off their pompous uniforms, and to reveal the infantile petticoats beneath. We look deeply into the eyes of the men who rule the world, and see not the stalwart visages of Uncle Sam or Chairman Mao, but the scowling faces of catty, spoiled children who have all the integrity of a back alley dealer in Three-Card Monte. (And vote today, by the way!) When the dust settles, we have more faith in a whacky kid with a lotta verve than the stuffy hordes of professional chowderheads. William Castle gives the finger to the government- all governments– throws back his head, laughs heartily, and puffs on that cigar once more. Go ahead, Bill- you earned it.

Four stars.

[And one final, semi-spoilery side note of inappropriateness– ]

In continuing with my observations of what wouldn't quite pass muster in a kid's movie these days–

After an international incident involving the American and Chinese governments, Candy is unveiled as the master spy, and a Mexican standoff ensues, between agents from both nations (China- in a stroke of casting brilliance- being represented by THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE's Khigh Dhiegh).

Murray Hamilton calls for leniency in the name of it being embarassing to China to be outsmarted by a teen girl. Khigh calls for DEATH. Finally, a deal is struck: instead, only a harsh spanking will be delivered to Candy. Wait, WHUTTTTTTTTT?!

As the Americans back away, Khigh calmly drives the point home:

"The spanking- administer it with vigor."


"I definitely shall."


...


And, on that note...

-Sean Gill

Television Review: THE A-TEAM– "TAXICAB WARS" (1983, Gilbert M. Shilton)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 60 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Mr. T, George Peppard, Dwight Schultz, Dirk Benedict, Ernie Hudson, Michael Ironside, Brion James, Donald Gibb.
Tag-line: "Heroes for hire."
Best one-liner: “If I catch you talkin’ to your socks, I’m gonna split your personality- PERMANENTLY!”

So the first Ironside week will come to a close with a 1983 TV episode that is extremely peculiar for a number of reasons:

This one is a real head-scratcher. It’s a second season episode of THE A-TEAM entitled “Taxicab Wars.” The A-Team is brought in to help out a small cab company facing off against ruthless, bloodthirsty rivals. This episode aired November 1, 1983. But then, there’s a film: D.C. CAB, directed by Joel Schumacher.

It was released about a month later on December 16, 1983. It, like THE A-TEAM, stars Mr. T, and features whacky rival cab companies. Furthermore, both feature incredible, eclectic casts that seem to represent some incredible astronomical convergence– “Taxicab Wars,” in addition to the A-TEAM regulars, features terrific character-y guests like Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson, Donald Gibb, and Brion James. D.C. CAB features mind-blowing actors and personalities like Gary Busey, Irene Cara (singer of “Fame”), The Barbarian Brothers, Bill Maher, and Bob Zmuda (Andy Kaufman’s partner in crime).

So which came first, the chicken or the egg? “Taxicab Wars” or D.C. CAB? Conventional wisdom would suggest that the film, D.C. CAB, had a longer production schedule and thus had been in the pipeline longer, but who knows? Maybe they wanted to do “Taxicab Wars” for season 1 of THE A-TEAM, and T was like “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re only DOIN’ it, if we can do it RIGHT!” and then it got pushed back? The only common ties between the two projects are the plotline and the presence of Mr. T, aside from the fact that THE A-TEAM aired on NBC, and D.C. CAB was distributed by Universal…hmmm. Perhaps these two oddities were the result of some cigar-smoke-filled backroom deal, but to what end? So that Americans would begin to subconsciously associate Mr. T with whackiness and taxicabs? He was already associated with whackiness, so why taxicabs? I don’t think we can guess the fat-cats’ motivations all that easily, but I can tell you that these were definitely nefarious motivations, based on what they try to do to Ironside. More on that in a bit.

Everything that happens in a regular A-TEAM episode happens here. There’s lots of violence but no injuries, the black van gets to peel around some corners with tires squealing, Mr. T gets to do some zany shit, George Peppard gets to don a silly disguise, Dwight Schultz gets to act like an obnoxious lunatic, Dirk Benedict gets to have a half-assed pseudo-romance, etc., etc. Basically, it’s a live action SCOOBY DOO. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes that’s a great thing, and sometimes it’s an extremely grating thing. I guess that’s part of the charm.

We begin with Ernie Hudson, playing a likable cab dispatcher. Wonder if he got the gig through Ironside based on their SPACEHUNTER collaboration, if it was the other way around, or if it was just a coincidence.

Hudson’s “Lone Star Taxi Co.” is engaging in a battle of wills with Michael Ironside’s “Love Cabs.” They are both ‘generals’ in this taxicab war, if you will. Hudson tries to coordinate his last two cabs in an attempt to pick up a fare. It backfires, and Ironside lets Lone Star know that he’s not fucking around- he kidnaps and brutally beats the rival cabbie infringing on his turf, then torches the car! Plus, he employs an army of ex-cons to do his dirty work! Damn!

Their cab torched, Ernie Hudson ruefully muses- “File this business under ‘nice try.’ Too bad we couldn’t get a hold of the A-Team…” Well, what do you suppose happens next?

Anyway, we get to spend some time with Ironside and his gang, which includes Donald Gibb (‘Ogre’ from REVENGE OF THE NERDS, ‘Ripper’ in JOCKS, ‘Mad Dog’ in MEATBALLS PART 2, and ‘Ray Jackson’ in Golan-Globus’ BLOODSPORT) and Brion James (‘Leon’ in BLADE RUNNER, SOUTHERN COMFORT, RED HEAT, CHERRY 2000, HOUSE III, TANGO & CASH, etc.), who you have to admit are pretty amazing henchmen for a guest star on THE A-TEAM.

Gibb looks like he just strolled off the set of a Golan-Globus production, whereas James looks like he just left the set of Friedkin's CRUISING– is that a leather beret?!

Anyway, Ironside is lecturing his team, when–

wait a second– do I see–

is that– no, it can't be–

LIPSTICK? BLUSH? EYE-LINER? Ho-ly shit, what are they doing to Ironside?! I realize this is TV, but what were they thinking? Is this part of some sinister stuffed-shirts’ plot to make Ironside seem less manly? Or is there something else at play? Upon further study, it appears that Ironside's trademark scar (supposedly from walking through a plate-glass window while drunk) looks fresher than usual. NBC thought they could cover it up? If that’s the case, they went overboard with the concealer, yet didn’t succeed in concealing the wound. Perhaps this will remain a mystery for the ages.

In the meantime, the A-Team hooks up with Lone Star and begins to wage their war against Love Cabs. This involves a lot of Hannibal (Peppard) dressing up as a cowboy, Mr. T aggressively gathering fares (and beating up Donald Gibb), and Murdock (Schultz) doing this really fucking annoying ‘Captain Cab’ routine that involves a sock puppet.

The writers even realize how infuriating the whole ‘Captain Cab’ thing is, because Mr. T frequently threatens him– “This is my talking fist- his name is KNOCKOUT!”

“If I catch you talkin’ to your socks, I’m gonna split your personality- PERMANENTLY!”

Anyway, the A-Team pulls an offensive on Ironside’s lawn. Peppard infiltrates his estate, dressed as the “cowboy mogul.”

Ironside does not react well to Peppard dressed as a cowboy mogul.

But he reacts even less well to the A-Team fucking up his garden furniture:



Ironside: “THIS GUY WANTS …A WAR?!?!?!”

Things begin to spiral out of control. The opposing sides shoot up a bunch of cars,

and then Mr. T builds a homemade tank, which he uses to chase around Ironside. I can’t make this shit up.


Ironside looks most like Jack Nicholson when he's being chased around by Mr. T's homemade tank.

Murdock becomes so tiresome that I was hoping Ironside would eat him alive. No such luck.

Taking the whole 'Captain Cab' thing a bit too far. Murdock sure knows how to crank up the funny.

Ironside ends up having to surrender, but at least he does it fashionably, wearing a three-piece suit.

Ignominious defeat at the hands of live action cartoon characters.

It was a nice try, Ironside, but I guess this is what happens when you go up against the A-Team.

Gilbert M. Shilton, director of this episode, went on to direct Ironside again in three episodes of V and one episode of RAY BRADBURY THEATER, so they must’ve gotten along well. Also of note, Richard Christian Matheson (writer of THREE O’ CLOCK HIGH, frequent Tobe Hooper TV collaborator, and son of sci-fi master Richard Matheson) worked as a story editor on this episode, and Craig R. Baxley (director of ACTION JACKSON and STONE COLD, stuntman on PREDATOR and THE WARRIORS) was the second unit director on this episode. So clearly, there’s a lot going on here.

In all, a fine episode of the A-TEAM and a prime example of vintage Ironside. Four stars.

-Sean Gill