Film Review: GOTHIC (1986, Ken Russell)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 87 minutes.
Tag-line: "Conjure up your deepest, darkest fear... now call that fear to life."
Notable Cast or Crew: Gabriel Byrne (THE USUAL SUSPECTS, EXCALIBUR), Natasha Richardson (PATTY HEARST, THE COMFORT OF STRANGERS), Julian Sands (NAKED LUNCH, BOXING HELENA), Miriam Cyr (SPECIES II, I SHOT ANDY WARHOL), Timothy Spall (WHITE HUNTER, BLACK HEART; SECRETS & LIES), Kristine Landon-Smith (a playwright, and a mime in LIFEFORCE). Cinematography by Mike Southon (LITTLE MAN TATE, MXP- MOST XTREME PRIMATE). Music by Thomas Dolby (HOWARD THE DUCK, ROCKULA). Production design by Christopher Hobbs (ARIA, THE NEON BIBLE).
Best one-liner: "And here I thought you that contradiction in terms: an intelligent woman!"

Somewhere in a darkened alleyway, populated by men in trench coats and festering piles of garbage:

"Pssst– hey buddy. You like train wrecks?"
–"Watcha got?"
"Got a couple'a lesser De Palmas, some Alex Cox, a few Doris Wishmans, I even got STEEL, with Shaquille O'Neal."
–"Eh, maybe something more high-brow."
"Are you kidding me, man? De Palma ain't high-brow enuff for ya? Have you seen MISSION TO MARS?"
–"Look, I gotta go. I really can't be seen here."
"Hey- not so fast- I got somethin' for ya- check it out, jack- some Bava."
–"Which one?"
"Lamberto."
–"I gotta go."
"N-n-no- wait! I got some second-tier Nic Roegs."
–"I said, no thanks."
"Hold it right there! I've got the ticket– Ken Russell. Feast your eyes on GOTHIC..."



–"Hmmm. Now that looks intriguing."
"Shit yes, it looks intriguing. You like Mary Shelley? FRANKENSTEIN? Lord Byron? Speculative historical fiction?"
–"That's what this movie is about? I mean, I guess I'm in the mood for something high-brow, but it sounds a touch stuffy."
"Eh, put that out of your mind for a segundo. Lemme rephrase those questions. You like gory, sexualized Christian imagery? You like maggots? You like fish flapping around in empty birdbaths, goats at the top of the stairs, barking dogs, muddy skulls, symmetrical compositions, and lots and lots of SNAKES?"
–"Now you're talkin' my language! But how does Lord Byron play into this?"
"Forget that Romantic poetry shit. THIS Lord Byron's the sleazemastah-general. Dude was a total fiend. Satanism, hallucinogenic drugs, beatin' the shit out of people who gave him lip. Ladies, even. Especially ladies."
–"I believe those were merely salacious rumors circulated by the jealousy-stricken Lady Caroline Lamb."
"No way. Dude was a dick. His friends show up at his mansion, and he's all like 'That you should follow me one thousand miles says something about you... and something about ME.'

He even had a lewd Turkish belly-dancing robot-mannequin, if you can wrap your head around that."

–"Oh, wow. This sounds pretty good."
"And it is. It's just sorta unfocused. A good example is the cacophonous soundtrack, by Thomas Dolby. Imagine Aaron Copeland's RODEO battling Modest Mussorgsky's NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN in an 80's big-time wrestling ring."
–"Hot damn!"
"Oh, but you ain't seen nothin' yet. It takes the whole 'haunted mansion' thing and runs with it. Like THE OLD DARK HOUSE meets HAUSU in a Rembrandt painting or somethin'.




Nonstop insanity. Byron's estate is like a psychotic's idea of a funhouse- labyrinthine, canted hallways; knights in shining armour- covered in snakes!; drugs and dildos and rats and fire and lightning and night terrors and blood-drinking and boobs with eyeballs for nipples and stigmata and seizures–"
–"Wait, I'm gonna be having seizures?"
"Well, no, not you– well, probably not you."
–"Uh-huh."
"Well, allow me to paraphrase Bill Macy in HOMICIDE: 'It's better than an aquarium- there's somethin' happenin' every minute.'"
–"Alright. Sold. Sign me up."
"Good, good."
–"But this is the last time."
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure."
–"No, I'm serious."
"Well, the next time you need a Weng Weng flick or a Golan-Globus that never made it to DVD, somehow I think you'll still know where to find me..."
–"Yeh, yeh... "

Film Review: BOXING HELENA (1993, Jennifer Chambers Lynch)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 107 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Sherilyn Fenn, Bill Paxton, Julian Sands, Art Garfunkel, Kurtwood Smith.
Tag-lines: "Beyond love, beyond obsession, there hides something beyond reason."
Best one-liners: See Paxton quote below.


Why would Jennifer Chambers Lynch have to wait fifteen years after her first movie (BOXING HELENA, 1993) to make her second (SURVEILLANCE, 2008)? It seems to me, the answer would either be:

A., BOXING HELENA was TOO good, racy, cutting-edge, and brilliant to be accepted by the mainstream, or,

B. the film totally sucked.

Unfortunately for us all, the answer is B. The actors are fine, but have been far better directed elsewhere:

Sherilyn Fenn (TWIN PEAKS),

Julian Sands (NAKED LUNCH), and Art Garfunkel (BAD TIMING). Jennifer steals quite a bit from Daddy David- her lead actress, the cinematographer, and several stylistic elements such as the use of slowed-frame-rate slow motion.

Let me give you and all burgeoning filmmakers a piece of advice, Jennifer. NEVER USE SLOWED-FRAME-RATE SLOW MOTION WITH THE INTENT TO BE SERIOUS UNLESS YOU ARE DAVID LYNCH. You may share his last name and possibly 50% of his genes, but you do not share his uncanny ability to transform corny into scary or banality into mystery. This film is a sprawling, pretentious mess of self-indulgence, faux-Cinemax skin-flickery, and plot twists that only confound and piss off instead of shock and amaze.

Even the dad from THAT 70'S SHOW is appalled.

There are two reasons, however, that the film garners two stars and doesn't fail entirely:

#1. The baroque visuals. Though this has everything to do with the production designer and cinematographer and nothing to do with Jennifer Lynch.

#2. Bill Paxton.

Note leather pants.

The man strolls out of left field and into this movie, wearing leather pants and a see-through shirt, hangs around long enough to show his ass and make some smarmy comments, and then leaves, exclaiming "Hasta...WHATEVER!" as he departs.

Bravo, Paxton. Obviously you ignored whatever Jennifer Lynch told you to do.

-Sean Gill