Only now does it occur to me... DOUBLE IMPACT (1991)

Only now does it occur to me... that DOUBLE IMPACT takes us but one step closer to the ultimate dream: a movie inhabited only by Jean-Claude Van Dammes.

Sadly, this step is not enough. Honestly, this is one of the weaker JCVD films from his Golden Era, even though the set up is half BATMAN, half-STAR WARS. When their parents are killed (on the way to the opera?) by Hong Kong triads

including, Bolo Yeung, he of the crazy-face in BLOODSPORT,

the identical twin baby JCVDs are separated and whisked away to safety. One remains in Hong Kong to become a badass, and one is whisked off to the U.S.A. by Geoffrey Lewis (EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE, BRONCO BILLY, SALEM'S LOT, MAVERICK), who is basically the Obi-Wan Kenobi of this scenario.

This American JCVD becomes an '80s aerobics instructor, and there's a reason why the brief scene in his studio is probably the best in the film. That reason is JCVD saying "I can do the splits, no problem" to a bevy of admiring fitness gals

"Noooo problem"


and then humping the floor at full extension


for their gratification and ours, apparently. Oh, and did I say this took place inside "JCVD's aerobics studio?" Obviously, I meant "in the waiting room to an office space the production had access to, maybe even the production company's offices."


Not knowing about his secret twin or murdered parents, he then heads to Hong Kong, wearing the best pink-centric ensembles 1991 could provide:

note the shorts:

Who... me?

After some mistaken identity shenanigans and JCVD #2 almost accidentally hooking up with JCVD #1's girlfriend who is a kind of "Cannon Films Jessica Rabbit"/"ersatz Jessica Lange" (Alonna Shaw)

the twin brothers have their shocking first meeting:

 
Well-acted, sir

At first, they hate each other because Hong Kong badass JCVD thinks that aerobics instructor JCVD is a "black silk underwear-wearing" homophobic slur.

Somehow they ended up with the exact same physiques and Belgian accents, despite being raised in Hong Kong and the U.S.A., respectively. Unlike the writers of TWINS, the writers of DOUBLE IMPACT are definitely on the "nature" end of the "nature vs. nuture" debate. The dual JCVDs end up fostering a mutual respect from beating up bad guys and shooting them with dual-wielded handguns, which feels like JCVD auditioning for a John Woo movie.

The audition worked, by the way––by '93, he was starring in Woo's HARD TARGET

This whole thing is pretty half-baked and there are four names on the screenplay, including Jean-Claude Van Damme himself (who wrote THE QUEST, if you'll recall) and Sheldon Lettich (RAMBO III, BLOODSPORT). There's a BLOODSPORT-referencing scene whereupon somebody's nuts get punched, but unlike in that masterpiece, or in LIONHEART or in KICKBOXER, here it's JCVD getting smacked instead of doing the smacking.



The smacker is Bolo Yeung himself, undermining JCVD's trademark move. (You'll recall that I am the web's leading authority on "brutal ball-squeezing.")

As the film lurches toward its finale, we have a lot of emoting

and a Bolo/JCVD rematch involving a big-ass oil barrel, which feels like a bit out of the video game FINAL FIGHT.


Another highlight is Corinna Everson (NATURAL BORN KILLERS, HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS), a bodybuilder and Ms. Olympia who plays a minor villain here

and sort of comes across as "dominatrix Laurie Metcalf," or, at the very least, the "Sensational Sherri" to Alonna Shaw's "Miss Elizabeth," as it were.

Anywho, the two JCVDs ultimately hug it out


and it ends on on a freeze frame that is better than 97% of the movie. Notably this freeze frame:

I'll leave you with a benediction, or maybe an epitaph, spoken aloud by my better half near the conclusion of DOUBLE IMPACT:

"CYBORG is a much better movie than this."   –My Wife

R.I.P., Yaphet Kotto

R.I.P. to the inimitable Yaphet Kotto, whose rogue's gallery of bold, funny, scary, lovable, and offbeat characters left an indelible mark on studio pictures, the art house, and genre film alike. He's been eaten by the Alien. Headlined seven seasons of HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET and cameoed on THE WIRE. He's beaten the shit out Freddy Kruger with a ball bat. He's dropped grenades from a cropduster while blasting James Brown in order to help save Gary Busey (in EYE OF THE TIGER). He's run alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger on futuristic gladiatorial TV. He's played Othello. He's worked with Paul Schrader, Larry Cohen, William Wyler, and Rod Serling. He's played a Bond villain. He's even been on MURDER, SHE WROTE. Standout performances include BONE, BLUE COLLAR, MIDNIGHT RUN, ACROSS 110TH STREET, and the aforementioned ALIEN.  You can see him deliver award-worthy performances in less prestigious fare like EXTREME JUSTICE, THE PARK IS MINE, THE RUNNING MAN, and TRUCK TURNER. You can even see him uncovering the racial bias of NYC cabbies in a notorious segment from Michael Moore's TV NATION. He was a one of a kind badass, a profound and sincere actor whose performances could turn on a dime from the brave to the sinister to the comical, and he'll be deeply missed.

Only now does it occur to me... MURDER BY DECREE (1979)

Only now does it occur to me... that if we were staging a March Madness-style tournament of Donald Sutherland mustaches, I do believe we've found our number one seed.

 

To quote Kurt Russell, who wore a similar Franz Joseph-sweeper in TOMBSTONE and THE HATEFUL EIGHT, "It's a mustache wearing a man."

(Also, if we're comparing late 1970s revisionist Jack the Ripper movies, I prefer TIME AFTER TIME––but Bob Clark's MURDER BY DECREE is still an enjoyable, horror-adjacent Sherlock Holmes flick with the inspired casting of Christoper Plummer as Holmes and James Mason as Watson.)