Film Review: BULLETPROOF (1988, Steve Carver)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Gary Busey, Henry Silva, L.Q. Jones, R.G. Armstrong, Darlanne Fluegel, William Smith (ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN), Juan Fernandez (Miguel in CROCODILE DUNDEE II, FEAR CITY, CAT CHASER). Director is Steve Carver, who did BIG BAD MAMA, LONE WOLF MCQUADE, and JOCKS.
Tag-lines: "Improbable odds. Unstoppable force."
Best one-liner(s): See review.

"I think we blew him off." "You don't blow off a guy like McBain!" BULLETPROOF is a half-hour of third-rate LETHAL WEAPON, a half-hour of rip-off OCTAGON, and a half-hour of faux RAMBO III held together by the super-glue, the incredible human cement that is Gary Busey. Busey, as Frank "Bulletproof" McBain, strolls into this film with his tight jeans, white sneakers, and ginormous, shining teeth and sets it ablaze with four simple words: "Your worst nightmare, butt-horn!"

Even besides Busey, this film's got it all: young Danny Trejo as the rocket-launching, ice-cream trucking intro villain Sharkey; ridiculous banter with a Danny Glover-esque sidekick and a running gag involving calling for back-up; TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A.'s Darlanne Fluegel telling an evidently Arabian Henry Silva to "go fuck your camel!;" a top-secret tank code-named 'Thunderblast;' nuns getting machine-gunned; and Peckinpah-fave L.Q. Jones acting like he huffed too much glue. But back to Busey.

Did I mention that there's a scene where he lays on his bed with his saxophone, deep in thought... remembering back to when he was playing some reverb-heavy 80's sax... ON THE BEACH?! Did I mention McBain has been shot 39 times and carefully preserves all the bullets in an old Mason jar? That he greets and addresses inanimate objects like jukeboxes and motorcycles? Did I mention that he slides a glass ashtray into some dude's nuts? Did I mention that 'BIRD SEASON IS OVER...BUTT-HORN?'

This movie is perpetually perched in the rafters, ready to call you butt-horn, and for that it earns five stars. "McBain!" "YEIAH!"

-Sean Gill

Film Review: LONE WOLF MCQUADE (1983, Steve Carver)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 107 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Chuck Norris, L.Q. Jones, David Carradine, William Sanderson, R.G. Armstrong, Robert Beltran
Tag-line: "When Norris meets Carradine all hell breaks loose!" AND "Chuck Norris is Lone Wolf McQuade. David Carradine is the man that got in his way." AND "The 'Mad Dog' Criminal...The 'Lone Wolf' Lawman...The Ultimate Showdown."
Best exchange: Too many to pick just one. We'll go with: "I've been real busy." "Oh boy, same old trouble, huh?" "...My kind of trouble doesn't take vacations."

A lot of what I have to say about LONE WOLF MCQUADE can be summed by the following:

"It may be a game to you, Falco, but if I find out you're playing, I'm gonna have your little ass!"

By the way, that line was delivered to a little person crime boss who's about to be taken down a notch...


Anyway. Outside of DELTA FORCE, it's very, very rarely that we see Chuck co-starring with anybody worth a damn. I don't know if it's because he's an egoist who doesn't want to play second-fiddle to anybody, if he refuses to play the villain, or if no A-lister will appear in a film with him, but I guess it doesn't matter. Cause here he costars with David Carradine. More on that in a minute. This movie succeeds because its action traditions draw on a whole lot more than just martial arts. The opening credits and first scene are classic Sergio Leone spaghetti western. They even use Leone's favorite font. And the music: to say it's a Morricone rip-off would be generous. It's Morricone carbon copy. The romantic theme is 'Jill's Theme' from ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST with one note changed. Well, it doesn't matter. This is a good thing. The middle of the movie is classic Peckinpah. Modern-day Western, with plenty of bullets flying. We even got Peckinpah regular L.Q. Jones. The end of the movie is an assault on a compound that is pure RAMBO. Norris even puts on a red bandana. But then we get to the meat of the movie. The Western Kung Fu. And who to give it greater legitimacy than the man who first embodied it, David Carradine? Carradine, as always, is amazing. And the final duel between him and Norris can't even be sullied by Carradine's bizarre choice to wear a blue-and-gold-diamond 80's sweater.

And then as if to cement the film's repute, both men refused to use stunt doubles! The film's edited by Abel Ferrara regular Anthony Redman, it's got Norris getting buried alive and pouring beer on his head and chugging it before escaping; and it's got a romantic scene with Norris, a hose, and a lot of mud.

What's not to like? One of the strongest Norris films. I know you don't like attachments, Chuck, but here's four stars.

-Sean Gill