Only now does it occur to me... HITMAN'S RUN (1999)

"Lesser Lester" Week Continues:

Only now does it occur to me... that Richard Donner's ASSASSINS (1995, starring Stallone, Banderas, and Julianne Moore) was apparently enough of a 'thing' to inspire some imitators––including Mark L. Lester's HITMAN'S RUN.

Banderas in ASSASSINS....


...and Eric Roberts in HITMAN'S RUN.


Mostly notable for an evocative scene where Eric Roberts kills a man in a phone booth by running him over with a wood-paneled station wagon,



HITMAN'S RUN follows the exploits a former mafia assassin (Roberts) in the witness protection program who comes out of hiding for one last adventure involving hackers, floppy disks, CD-ROMs, skateboarding kids, stylish haircuts, late 90s sweaters, and lite John Woo-style gunplay.

"Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God."

Other major highlights include the bizarre and possibly improvised interactions between Roberts and his new wife (who knows not of his hitman past).  I mean, just look at this beautiful exchange:





Yes, it certainly does seem so much longer.  But Roberts is doing a decent job, and I appreciate the extra effort his haircut is making.


Hey, look, it's C. Thomas Howell!

There's always a peculiar melancholy whenever I see C. Thomas outside of the 1980s... like I'm a distant relative who expected the worst, but when I see him, I squeeze his shoulder and say really sincerely, "Oh, I'm so glad to see you're doing okay."  I feel like I should be sending him $25.00 checks for his birthday, is what I'm saying.


I also learned that a recordable CD has 650 megabytes of memory.

Er-–wait a second––who is that sweater-vest-wearin', faintly 90s subculture HACKERS émigré?  I know him from somewhere...  It's almost like I can see him, about to be paddled by a douchey Ben Affleck...

Yup, it's Esteban Powell, best known as Mitch's pal "Carl" from DAZED AND CONFUSED!

Not a lot has changed.

His major character trait in HITMAN'S RUN is that he says things like "Whoa-kay!" instead of "Okay," and I suppose that's fine.

In the end this is the kind of generic mafia flick that's sort of worth your time. It's certainly a "lesser" Lester––on the second-rate action scale, I'd put it somewhere between a Glickenhaus and a Pyun.  Most of it will depend on your tolerance for the less-than-selective Eric Roberts (according to IMDb, he has THIRTY-SEVEN films coming out in 2016!), as apparently not everyone is on the Roberts bandwagon.  I, conversely, am driving that bandwagon.  I realize that some of the joy of Eric Roberts is how terrible many of his films are, but I still contend that the man himself is one of the finest actors of his generation (see RUNAWAY TRAIN and STAR 80 back-to-back if you don't believe me), and even amid the direct-to-video dreck, little shards of his talent keep piercing through.

Only now does it occur to me... MAVERICK

Only now does it occur to me... that MAVERICK is a real "Donner Party."  By that, I don't mean that it involves cannibalism, torture, or Mel Gibson Jesus-poses,

Though if this isn't in his contract, I'll eat my hat.

instead I mean that its director, Richard Donner, has packed the film with actors and references from other "Donner" films.

Obviously, it stars Mel Gibson (of 4 Donner LETHAL WEAPONS and a CONSPIRACY THEORY), but there's plenty more where that came from.

Margot Kidder (Donner's SUPERMAN 1 & 2, he also produced her appearances in TALES FROM THE CRYPT and DELIRIOUS) shows up as a grouchy spinster obsessed with a stolen wedding dress:

Alfred Molina (Donner's LADYHAWKE) appears as a recurring villain and instrument of Gibson-torture:

Stephen Kahan ("Captain Murphy" from all 4 LETHAL WEAPONS, but also appeared in Donner's SUPERMAN, INSIDE MOVES, THE TOY, SCROOGED, CONSPIRACY THEORY, 16 BLOCKS, RADIO FLYER, TIMELINE and a few TALES FROM THE CRYPTs) plays a riverboat card dealer, who shares an unusual interaction with Mel Gibson, whereupon he congratulates him on his win (with familiarity), and takes the chair with him as he stands, prompting Mel to nearly crack up.

Then, for the piéce de résistance:  Mel Gibson and Geoffrey Lewis are shootin' the shit inside a bank when three robbers bust in to relieve them of their wallets and blow the safe.  The lead robber piques Mel Gibson's interest and there is a note of recognition.

 

He pulls down the robber's bandana to reveal Murtaugh himself, Danny Glover:

And to the strains of the LETHAL WEAPON theme, they share a moment, then decide––nahh, this ridiculous.  Glover goes on his way, revealing the rest of his gang:

Corey Feldman (of Donner's THE GOONIES, and the Donner-produced THE LOST BOYS and BORDELLO OF BLOOD), country musician Hal Ketchum, and apparently transportation coordinator John M. Woodward, who coordinated such on LETHAL WEAPONS 2-4, CONSPIRACY THEORY, and TIMELINE.  I think that qualifies as a Donner Party!

Oh yeah, and even in the Wild West, Danny Glover is getting...

...too old for this shit.

BONUS QUIZ:  Can you identify which of the following pictures are screen captures from MAVERICK (featuring the lush cinematography of Vilmos Zsigmond), and which are Western Americana picture postcards?

A.

B.

C.

D.

E.

It's a cheap trick question––they're all screen captures from MAVERICK!

PS––and apparently, the brilliant Linda Hunt (THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY, THE BOSTONIANS, KINDERGARTEN COP) and my fave glam rocker Alice Cooper had their scenes deleted (damn!) as "The Magician" and "The Town Drunk," respectively.

Only now does it occur to me... CONSPIRACY THEORY

Only now does it occur to me...  that CONSPIRACY THEORY is one of the best documentaries of the 1990s.

It presents a complicated portrait of its subject, Mel Gibson, who, between films, supplements his income by working as a cabbie in New York City and peddling conspiracy theories to anyone who'll listen.  It explains how it was traces of government mind control conditioning that led to his mastery of the crazy-eye in the LETHAL WEAPON series (and beyond)
 

And how he used the art of collage to mend his wounded mind.
 
In its torture scenes  (this documentary contains not one, but two lengthy Gibson torture scenes!), it reveals the reasons behind Gibson's life-long obsession with sadomasochism (LETHAL WEAPON 1-4, RANSOM, PAYBACK, BRAVEHEART, THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, et al.)
 
 The 'ole scotch tape on the eyeballs maneuver 

and in its capturing of the paranoid mindset, it shows that there are truly sinister cabals everywhere,

mostly of the sort that cause Gibson to wander out of a hospital and pop up, unannounced, in the backseat of your automobile.

In closing, it certainly ranks high among other Joel Silver-produced documentaries– such as the story of cryogenically frozen supercop John Spartan (as explored in DEMOLITION MAN), the quirky study of a musically inclined cat burglar (in HUDSON HAWK), and the exploits of a brassy bouncer who tames dirty bars (in ROAD HOUSE).

Film Review: TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: DEMON KNIGHT (1995, Ernest R. Dickerson)

Stars: 4 of 5.

Running Time: 92 minutes.

Tag-line: "Ready for your deadtime story?"

Notable Cast or Crew:  John Kassir (The Cryptkeeper), William Sadler (DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER, THE GREEN MILE, BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY), Billy Zane (TITANIC, TWIN PEAKS, BACK TO THE FUTURE), Jada Pinkett Smith (SCREAM 2, COLLATERAL), Brenda Bakke (L.A. CONFIDENTIAL, UNDER SIEGE 2), CCH Pounder (ER, AVATAR, ROBOCOP 3), Dick Miller (GREMLINS, THE TERMINATOR), Thomas Haden Church (WINGS, SIDEWAYS), Charles Fleischer (Roger Rabbit in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT), Tim De Zarn (CABIN IN THE WOODS, FIGHT CLUB), John Schuck (STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME, MCMILLAN & WIFE), John Larroquette (NIGHT COURT, THE TENTH KINGDOM).  Theme by Danny Elfman.  Produced by Walter Hill, Richard Donner, Robert Zemeckis, Joel Silver, A.L. Katz, Gilbert Adler.  Written by Mark Bishop (BEAT THE CYBORGS), Ethan Reiff & Cyrus Voris (BULLETPROOF MONK, KUNG FU PANDA, Ridley Scott's ROBIN HOOD).  Featuring one of those ludicrous and amazing 90s soundtracks including: Megadeth, Ministry, Pantera, Machine Head, Henry Rollins, and the Gravediggaz, among others.

Best One-liner:  "Now, that's INTERRORTAINMENT!"  Said by the Cryptkeeper.  It's such a stretch, I have to tip to my hat to it.

The first theatrical TALES FROM THE CRYPT feature (it was followed by the far inferior BORDELLO OF BLOOD in 1996 and RITUAL in 2002), DEMON KNIGHT is quite possibly one of the best supernatural horror flicks of the 90s.  Its story is driven by an epic demon mythos as spectacular as anything ever depicted on an Iron Maiden album cover: a fiendish hellspawn named "The Collector" (Billy Zane)

pursues the semi-immortal human drifter Brayker (William Sadler) across time and space in pursuit of an artifact: an ancient key, filled with holy power and Christ's diluted blood.

 I told you this was as good as an Iron Maiden album cover.

The Collector and his demonic minions already possess six of these seven keys that, incidentally, are capable of unlocking the cosmos on Hell's behalf– and Brayker is the final holdout.  He's not only the last hope for humanity, but he's the last hope for the universe.  They've certainly pulled out all the stops, and there's certainly nothing "small screen" about this film.

Did I mention that the diluted Christ-blood turns into liquid-laser demon-repelling force fields?  (Also, this same key has a "vampire artifact" cameo in BORDELLO OF BLOOD.)

DEMON KNIGHT was originally devised as a non-TALES FROM THE CRYPT-related work which would have been Tom Holland's follow-up to CHILD'S PLAY, but that plan tanked after the failure of FATAL BEAUTY (his Whoopi Goldberg-buddy-cop movie that I still defend as a masterpiece).  Like the magical talisman at the center of its own story, the movie changed hands several times, being passed off to PET SEMATARY's Mary Lambert, Full Moon Pictures' Charles Band, and PUMPKINHEAD's Mark Caducci before it landed in the lap of producer Joel Silver– one of the all-star team (that included Richard Donner, Walter Hill, and Robert Zemeckis) who brought TALES FROM THE CRYPT to HBO in the first place.  And so DEMON KNIGHT became TALES FROM THE CRYPT PRESENTS: DEMON KNIGHT, and the world became a better place, et cetera, et cetera.

Because it was the first TALES FROM THE CRYPT movie (and by that I mean, with HBO's Cryptkeeper and everything– there was already a British film that drew from the original EC comics back in 1972), the wraparound story involves The Cryptkeeper directing his first movie– naturally, also called DEMON KNIGHT.

He's gone full Cecil B. DeMille, with a riding crop and jodhpurs and all that, and this is a thing of beauty.  The only scene that he actively directs plays out like a parody of the worst TALES FROM THE CRYPT episodes, with a nude woman gloating after having murdered her husband, though it's not long before his decaying corpse comes after her in a meta-cliché of the typical CRYPT-ian just desserts.

Crypty calls "CUT!", unleashes some of his quintessential bon mot-infused verbal abuse,

and we see that put-upon actor playing the avenging corpse is none other than noted TV actor John Larroquette:

(See? I promised you some Larroquette!)

After suffering through some magnificent puns– as is our TALES FROM THE CRYPT ritual (or is that our 'Crypt'-ual?)– we're presented with our main story.  And after it's all over, we get a nice outro courtesy of Crypty, who's attending the premiere of the film we've just watched.  I will not spoil the full extent of the groan-slash-delight-inducing punnery

but suffice it to say that "Frights, camera, and action!" only begin to scratch the surface. 

But on to the actual film:

Basically, William Sadler's "Brayker" is pursued by Zane's "Collector" all the way to a Western flophouse, complete with a lot of colorful character archetypes including "the no-nonsense owner" (CCH Pounder):
 
 CCH Pounder- always a pro.

 "the 'rough around the edges' female mechanic" (Jada Pinkett Smith):
 
 Pictured here, the living embodiment of 1995.

 "the douchey bad boy" (Thomas Haden Church):

 Thomas Haden Church: not quite pulling off the Hawaiian shirt/mesh tank top combo.

"the drunk" (Dick Miller):
 
 If your movie does not feature a hobo-wine swilling Dick Miller, then, my friend: YOU DON'T HAVE A MOVIE.

  "the hooker" (Barbara Bakke), "the sad sack" (Charles Fleischer):
 
 Note that Charles Fleischer's sad sack sort of resembles Julia Sweeney's "Pat."

and "the kid" (Ryan O'Donohue).  Though first skeptical of Sadler, this motley crew finds themselves trapped inside as Zane's ravenous army of demons (which spring forth from his glo-stick colored blood) lay siege to the motel.

The film proper draws upon the great "characters trapped in a dingy Western structure" tradition that can probably be traced at least back to the 1936 classic, THE PETRIFIED FOREST.  (Said tradition has certainly not abated, with horror movies like FROM DUSK TILL DAWN and FEAST subsequently using the framework.)  DEMON KNIGHT also has an atmospheric, "bizarro Route 66" vibe that reminded me a bit of WILD AT HEART and THE HITCHER.

The SFX eschew CGI about 95% of the time, are wonderfully goopy, and the gore is as frequent and over-the-top as pretty much any movie I can possibly name.  Eyes are blasted out of sockets:



 orc-ish demon armies go on the prowl:
 
 hands reach through fleshy walls (á la NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET):

and bodies disintegrate and transform in ways (with killer tongues!) nearly worthy of Rob Bottin's work on THE THING:

NOM NOM NOM

I also can't tell you how awesome it is having William Sadler (TALES FROM THE CRYPT alumnus, and a guy who's made a career out of brilliantly portraying villains) as the good guy.

In an alternate universe, I hope that William Sadler's döppelganger has the success and cashflow of, say, a Harrison Ford or a Brad Pitt.  Here, he maintains the gravitas, likability, and badassery required of him and throws in plenty of character-work flourish, especially in flashbacks, like this one where he blows away the possessed forces of the Kaiser across the trenches of the Western Front:


(If I haven't sold you on this movie already, then you may be beyond help.  But you know what, I'm gonna raise you one... BILLY ZANE!)

Yes, the show-stealer here is the aforementioned Mr. Zane, whose shaved head and gleefully fey, simpering countenance command an Oscar-worthy performance (I'm sort of not even kidding).

WATCH Zane dancing a nutty Faustian tango by-way-of-90s-music-video with Jada Pinkett Smith!


 

SEE Zane tending bar as Hunter S. Thompson with a gaggle of naked women

 

in an attempt to win the soul of a bewildered and euphoric Dick Miller!

BEHOLD Zane LITERALLY PUNCHING HIS FIST THROUGH A MAN'S SKULL!

Eat yer heart out, Swayze in ROAD HOUSE!

Hot damn– this is the sort of excellence one could only dream of being in a TALES FROM THE CRYPT movie.  And I believe the unyielding brilliance of Zane's performance has inspired me to revisit/rediscover some major/minor 90s Zane.  THE PHANTOM, here I come!

–Sean Gill