Film Review: THE MONSTER SQUAD (1987, Fred Dekker)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 82 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Co-written and directed by Fred Dekker (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, ROBOCOP 3, writer of HOUSE), co-written by Shane Black (LETHAL WEAPON, KISS KISS BANG BANG, THE LAST BOY SCOUT). Starring Andre Gower, Robby Kiger (CHILDREN OF THE CORN), Brent Chalem ("Tubby" in DANCE 'TIL DAWN, "Spud" on PUNKY BREWSTER), Stephen Macht (TRANCERS III, GALAXINA, GRAVEYARD SHIFT), Tom Noonan (MANHUNTER, HOUSE OF THE DEVIL), Jon Gries ("Roger Linus" on LOST, RUNNING SCARED, TERRORVISION), Jack Gwillim (LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, PATTON), Leonardo Cimino (DUNE, HUDSON HAWK), Duncan Regehr (V, THE LEGEND OF ERROL FLYNN), Jason Hervey ('Wayne' on THE WONDER YEARS, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE), Stan Shaw (TRUCK TURNER, ROCKY). Music by Bruce Broughton (TOMBSTONE), songs by Michael Sembello (of 'Maniac' fame). Executive produced by Peter Hyams (RUNNING SCARED, BUSTING, 2010, OUTLAND, THE RELIC).
Tag-line: " You know who to call when you have ghosts but who do you call when you have monsters?"
Best one-liner: See review.

A clever cash-in on THE GOONIES' success and a throwback to the classic Universal monster flicks which tried to jam as many monsters into one movie as was humanly possible (HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN, HOUSE OF DRACULA, FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN), THE MONSTER SQUAD is a loving tribute to an age where one's primary curiosities lie in the morbid, the dark, the gross, and the monstrous. As such, Shane Black and Fred Dekker bring us a clever (but not too clever for its own good), self-referential (a decade before Kevin Williamson), tightly-wound (82 minutes!) horror film whose primary- nay, only- objective is to ensure that we have a hell of a good time. And though copyright issues disallowed the makers from using the actual Universal monsters, we have extremely solid Stan Winston facsimiles, and there are enough obscure nods to the originals (armadillos in Dracula's castle!) to satisfy the die hards. I shall now proceed with an empirical analysis of THE MONSTER SQUAD, one which seeks to separate MYTH from FACT:

MYTH: Dracula is class. He's all about the opera, and literature, and Gothic architecture, and, oh yes, that inconvenient matter that comes up from time to time– that of drinking your blood.
FACT: Dracula, in THE MONSTER SQUAD, is a total douchebomb. His nonstop dickery imperils not only the members of the titular Monster Squad, but even his fellow monsters as well. Will Dracula be having your son?

You bettah believe he'll be having your son. What if a gang of kids starts harassing him?


He will blast their treehouse to shit with dynamite and mutter to himself smugly, "Meeting adjourned." Just look at his face:

Have you ever seen a vampire more pleased with himself? Have you seen a monster with a more blatantly self-congratulatory attitude?
And while I guess this was the era of the PG-13, I love the way he deals with a five-year old girl who's got the mystical monster amulet:


The first time I saw this I was sort of disappointed with Duncan Regehr's take on Dracula, but now with the benefit of age and wisdom, I've gotta say: like the fine wine (that he never drinks), Drac's incessant, unrelenting superior form of douchebaggery only improves with age.

MYTH: Dracula can change his form, but he's limited to man, wolf, and bat.


FACT: Well, if we're counting one-frame subliminal messages, add "Bulging-Eyes-Skull-Head-Monster-Man" to the list. (Maybe this is somehow related to Dracula's headscratching appearance as "The Grim Reaper" in CASTLEVANIA II: SIMON'S QUEST?)

MYTH: Dracula cannot journey in daylight.

FACT: Evidently he can, in bat form, whilst exiting a vintage B-24 that he's commissioned. And is this some kind of abstruse reference to the B-24s used in the WWII bombing of Ploesti, Romania, the same nation whose borders lay claim to Transylvania?

MYTH: Jon Gries would make a pisspoor Wolf Man.


FACT: After cutting his teeth on roles like "O.D. the Metalhead" in TERRORVISION and "King Vidiot" in JOYSTICKS, he possessed the necessary derangement to pull of an extremely solid Wolf Man, and one with occasional pathos to boot.

MYTH: A Wolf Man traverses this life without 'Nards.
FACT: See below.





MYTH: The Wolf Man can be killed by stuffing dynamite down his pants, defenestrating him, and exploding him above a deserted alleyway as he plummets to the ground.

FACT: Only a silver bullet can kill the Wolf Man. (And what precisely does this movie have against Wolf Man genitalia, anyway?)

MYTH: Like many a lame-ass kids' movie since, THE MONSTER SQUAD censors itself.

FACT: No. It refuses to. It keeps the foul-mouthed pre-teens, the gore (watch for Dracula's brides munching on furry animals, raw- amongst other things), the five-year old girls being strangled and called bitches (see above), and all the other stuff that lets kids know they're not being pandered to.

MYTH: When the (quasi) Universal Monsters get together, they commence with death and destruction... immediately!

FACT: Actually, they simply cavort with one another in a shot which (comically, but surely unintentionally) goes on for about three seconds too long.

MYTH: The Creature from the Black Lagoon is underrated.

FACT: No, The Creature from the Black Lagoon is rated just as he should be. Hands down, the shittiest of the mainstream Universal Monsters, I'd rather see his #5 spot occupied by Mr. Hyde, the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Man who Laughs, the ape from Rue Morgue, the Invisible Man, the Bride of Frankenstein, Dr. Pretorius, the crazy brother from THE OLD DARK HOUSE, Poelzig from THE BLACK CAT, or even a random Mole Person from THE MOLE PEOPLE. That being said, Stan Winston did a pretty superb job of reimagining him for the 1980's. And I guess the Creature gets a few points for having Clint Eastwood in the sequel. Anyway.

MYTH: Harold Ramis was the first to consider a film entitled GROUNDHOG DAY.
FACT: A fictional flick named 'GROUNDHOG DAY' is viewed within MONSTER SQUAD, a reference to the many 'holiday-themed slashers' which ruled the video shelves of the 1980's.

MYTH: TERMINATOR 2 was the first movie to end with a corny, gargantuan father figure sacrificing himself to the pit in order that others may live.
FACT: THE MONSTER SQUAD makes a pretty good go of it with Tom Noonan's Frankenstein.

Noonan is great. At 6'6'', he makes for a great Monster. Although never did I think I'd see 'Francis Dollarhyde' (the name of his character in MANHUNTER) holding a little girl's hand in a genuinely sentimental moment.

His catchphrase is "Bogus!," which should be enough to make your average FRANKENSTEIN fan's hair curl in dismay, but somehow Noonan imbues the role with enough sincerity that he makes those cringeworthy moments extremely palatable.

MYTH: "The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves."

FACT: "See ya later, Band-Aid Breath!"

MYTH: It is impossible to 'rap' adequately about "amulets."
FACT: Stay for the end credits, and listen for yourself. I'm not saying that Michael Sembello should be named Poet Laureate or anything, but give him a chance.

Four stars.

-Sean Gill

Television Review: HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)

Stars: 3.4 of 5.
Running Time: 100 minutes.
Tag-line: "The wrong boy just met the right girl at...HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A."
Notable Cast or Crew: Michael J. Fox, Crispin Glover, Anthony Edwards, Bob Denver, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges, Dwayne Hickman, Jon Gries (TERRORVISION, JOYSTICKS, Roger Linus on LOST). Directed by Rod Amateau (THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE).
Best one-liner: "Nice going, Chuckie. Now who's the bigger lame-o? You or me?"

Cornball, made-for-TV teen shenanigans cut from the same cloth as, say, MIDNIGHT MADNESS or MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE. Helmed by Rod Amateau and packed to the gills with washed-up and up-and-coming TV actors alike, HIGH SCHOOL USA is full of gentle slapstick, eyebrow-curling tomfoolery, and a sprinkling of ingredients that'll make you go 'WHUTTT?!'

I must also mention that the director, Rod Amateau is responsible for one of my favorite movies- THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE, so I kept a sharp eye out for any similarities. The only one I could find was a character who bears some resemblance to the Garbage Pail Kid, "Windy Winston."


Note similarity.

Originally pitched as a TV pilot, we're entreated to a tumultuous battle between nerds and preps (I love that there are no jocks in this universe). Representing the Nerds are a scrappy Michael J. Fox;

a gawky Crispin Glover (pre-BACK TO THE FUTURE but already acting like a primo whack job and stealing the damn show);

DIFF'RENT STROKES' Todd Bridges (and his zany homemade robot!);


I can't remember if the train conductor's hat is explained or not.

and the stock 'flunked senior year twelve times and has a couple kids' guy

(played by Jon Gries), among others.

The Preps are basically defined by a douchey Anthony Edwards (REVENGE OF THE NERDS, MIRACLE MILE), who rules the school to such an extent, he's apparently in charge of distributing grant money to teachers (!).

Note the popped collar and car phone.

There's frequent use of classic 80's insults like "meatball," "turkey," and "lame-o"; the line "I'm never taking my clothes off again for anyone, not even my husband, unless he's Burt Reynolds"; and some good old-fashioned blind-sploitation (combined with Nazi-sploitation!). We also adhere to one of the ground rules of 80's cinema: if a massive, special-order cake in the shape of a building ever appears, someone will soon be hurled into it.


"You ruined my cake, my suit, and this party!"

There's roller derbies, popped collars, teased hair, and, yes, it all ends on a freeze frame. Probably my favorite politically incorrect moment occurs when Crispin's dad's beloved car is destroyed in a preppy prank and the situation is ameliorated by getting dad (a sleazy Bob Denver!) blackout sloshed and staging a drunk-driving accident! WHUTTT?!

This would never fly today. And when did Bob Denver start looking like David Warner?

In all, I am not ashamed to admit that I thought this was pretty schweet. A little over three stars.

-Sean Gill

Junta Juleil's Summer '10 Movie Series
1. HELL IN THE PACIFIC (1968, John Boorman)
2. KUFFS (1992, Bruce A. Evans)
3. THE OUTFIT (1973, John Flynn)

4. FOR Y'UR HEIGHT ONLY (1981, Eddie Nicart)

5. A*P*E (1976, Paul Leder)

6. BLIND FURY (1989, Philip Noyce)
7. HIS KIND OF WOMAN (1951, John Farrow)
8. HIGH SCHOOL U.S.A. (1983, Rod Amateau)
9. ...

Film Review: RUNNING SCARED (1986, Peter Hyams)

Stars: 3.7 of 5.

Running Time: 107 minutes.

Tag-line: "Two of Chicago's Finest?"

Notable Cast or Crew: Gregory Hines (THE COTTON CLUB, WOLFEN), Billy Crystal (CITY SLICKERS II: THE LEGEND OF CURLY'S GOLD), Jimmy Smits (THE BELIEVERS, PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE, DEXTER), Steven Bauer (RAISING CAIN, SCARFACE), Darlanne Fluegel (TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A., BULLETPROOF), Joe Pantoliano (THE MATRIX, RISKY BUSINESS), Dan Hedaya (BLOOD SIMPLE, COMMANDO, MULHOLLAND DR.), Jon Gries (TERRORVISION, JOYSTICKS, Roger Linus on TV's LOST).

Best one-liner: "Excuse me, we're from Noisebusters. Do you know where the Menudo concert is?"

There's a rich history of buddy cop movies. Now while these movies, from time to time, tend to get a little zany, they generally remain well-entrenched in the crime genre. But allow me to make a distinction- there's also a rich history of ZANY buddy cop movies. While the initial emergence may have been earlier, I'll say that the subgenre really came into its own in 1974, which saw the releases of FREEBIE AND THE BEAN and Hyams' own BUSTING. And, boy, were they zany. But they were gritty, too. And it's to this tradition that RUNNING SCARED belongs. This is the sort of movie where Gregory Hines has occasion to howl "We lost the suspect, our car, our keys, our PANTS!" and in a nutshell, that's all you need to know. Are there gonna be two whacky buddies with little respect for authority?

Is there gonna be a harebrained scheme to win back a lost love? Is there gonna be a supervisor who thinks they should stick to procedure and stop acting like a couple of loose cannons? Is there gonna be a no-nonsense villain who's less than entertained by their crime-bustin' antics and decides to raise the stakes till shit gets real?

Don't ask questions you already know the answers to. All the answers you need are in "We lost the suspect, our car, our keys, our PANTS!"

Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal are our two Chicago nutballs. They're the kinds of cops who wear sports jerseys all the time and are always ducking into ladies' restrooms to avoid well-deserved subpoenas. They've got a gadget-makin' man named Ace (played by Larry Hankin) who's basically the Q to their collective, kooky James Bond. Their boss, Dan Hedaya, has got a bug up his ass and an extremely low tolerance for guys who think they're real cowboys.

Crystal and Hines do a lot of cracking wise, sock a lot of crooks in the face, and nurture their bad attitudes like hobos tending to a garbage can flame.

The plot is this: after their latest maverick-style hijinks screw up a long-running undercover operation (run by Steven Bauer and Jon Gries), supervisor Hedaya says "You're on vacation... effective NOW!!!" Luckily for Hines and Crystal, one of those subpoenas that couldn't be avoided turned out to be a notice that Crystal had come into some money, which leads to a soothing holiday in the Florida Keys. As they say, "If there's anything worse than dyin' young, it's dyin' young with money in the bank." Without warning, Michael McDonald's "Sweet Freedom" accompanies a montage of sailing, relaxation, and our well-oiled heroes feeding each other beers.

Yep, down in Florida, they find a fixer-upper, some roller skates, and a sense of purpose.

I don't know how clear it is from this screencap, but, yes, that is a high-five.

But the windy city's not done with them yet. They have two loose ends to tie up- A. Crystal must win back his ex, Darlanne Fluegel (who's literally blanketed in a sea of flannel) and B. They have to settle the score with Jimmy Smits, who seeks to be "the first Spanish godfather of Chicago."

Along the way, there's a chase on the EL track (trying to outdo THE FRENCH CONNECTION?),

a tattoo parlor torture session, Billy Crystal gets to pretend to be an old man watching Jeopardy, and in one well-choreographed scene, our heroes' car is snared and lowered into a garbage truck.

The performances are a cut above the norm, and astoundingly so when compared to the state of the whacky cop genre today. Joe Pantoliano gets a nice supporting role as a cheap crook with a shock of red hair and a lot of smartass comebacks,

and Jon Gries begins to transition from his early typecasting phase (as a crazed, leather-and-stud-encrusted metal fan, like in JOYSTICKS and TERRORVISION) to his later typecasting phase (as a middle-aged asshole, like in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE).

Just the kind of asshole who'd put his feet up on your desk.

Al Leong, aka 'the quintessential 80's henchman,' even makes an uncredited appearance as, you guessed it- a henchman. (Also seen in DIE HARD, LETHAL WEAPON, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, ACTION JACKSON, MY SCIENCE PROJECT, and THE A-TEAM.)

Jimmy Smits, however, nearly steals the whole damn show. I've said it before, and I'll say it again- Jimmy Smits is one of the most criminally underrated actors working today. And don't arch your eyebrows like that- sure he was in THE TOMMYKNOCKERS and sure he was in the STAR WARS prequels, but he was having a blast. He showed up on DEXTER Season 3 and was so damn good, they nearly renamed the show 'MIGUEL.' He uses physicality and a complete connectedness to the material in order to perfectly manipulate the art of acting for the screen- he makes it intimate, and he gets in your face- similar in technique to my favorite scary Dutchman, Rutger Hauer. When he's the villain, you'll be ducking under your couch. He even gets to applaud our heroes with a seething, evil golf clap.

JIMMY SMITS WILL GIVE YOU INSINCERE POSITIVE FEEDBACK

In all, it's predictable, clichéd, and kiiinda stupid, but the old-Hollywood style workmanship, likably talented actors, and absurd Michael McDonald montage push this thing to nearly four stars.

-Sean Gill