"Datin' Satan: A Journey to Hell With Louisa May Alcott" in Epiphany

My latest essay––about Louisa May Alcott's lesser known, gritty and gruesome early work (with a focus on her novel A Long Fatal Love Chase)––has been published by Epiphany: A Literary Journal as a part of my "Lurid Esoterica" series there. The full Lurid Esoterica series is available here.

Only now does it occur to me... MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 5 – ROGUE NATION (2015)

 Only now does it occur to me... that Jeremy Renner can't see it.

Only now does it occur to me... PERFECT STRANGERS, "BLACK WIDOW" (6x10) (1990)

Only now does it occur to me... that PERFECT STRANGERS made a TWIN PEAKS joke at a very intriguing time. In this particular episode, Larry (Mark Linn-Baker) has become convinced that his cousin Balki's (Bronson Pinchot) girlfriend Mary Ann is a "black widow killer" and has murdered her roommate, Jenifer. When Larry is proven wrong on this count (and not for the last time), Balki says,

"Now that you've solved the Jennifer 'murder,' maybe you can figure out who killed Laura Palmer?" 

 

This is an obvious reference to the iconic central mystery of TWIN PEAKS' first season: Who killed Laura Palmer? (Incidentally, ABC aired both TWIN PEAKS and PERFECT STRANGERS.) However, what makes this joke especially interesting––as it's the only TWIN PEAKS reference on PERFECT STRANGERS, so far as I can ascertain––is the timing. This episode was shot on September 26, 1990 (four days before the premiere of TWIN PEAKS' second season), suggesting that it was perhaps an intra-ABC cross-promotional idea. TWIN PEAKS went on to reveal Laura Palmer's killer in a David Lynch-directed episode (2x7), which aired on November 10. Then, this PERFECT STRANGERS episode ultimately aired on November 30 to viewers who, by then, would already have known who had killed Laura Palmer. The very next day, December 1, saw the airing of the TWIN PEAKS episode (2x9) which tied up the arc of Laura's killer and answered some lingering questions (some!) about the nature of the murder. Is all of this useless information? I mean, probably. But that's sorta this site's bread and butter, amirite?

Only now does it occur to me... VIRTUOSITY (1995)

Only now does it occur to me... that VIRTUOSITY (1995) is perhaps Ridley Scott's favorite movie.

What––you don't believe me? That a film directed by Brett Leonard (THE LAWNMOWER MAN, SIEGFRIED AND ROY: THE MAGIC BOX, Billy Idol's "Shock to the System" music video) would be Ridley's fave? I promise I'll convince you. But first, some background.

Penned by underrated genre scribe Eric Bernt (SURVIVING THE GAME, ROMEO IS BLEEDING), it's a post-DEMOLITION MAN/GHOST IN THE MACHINE cyberpunk fable of a murderous A.I.––in this case, a virtual "serial killer" training program (Russell Crowe)––who escapes into the real world to battle his nemesis, a jailed and hardboiled cop (Denzel Washington). I'd say that it draws some tonal inspiration from Ridley Scott's BLADE RUNNER and BLACK RAIN––for instance, there's a scene where Crowe's A.I. come-to-life encounters an older, bartender-model robot (Kevin Loreque, in a great, butoh-adjacent performance),

 and is made so existentially uncomfortable that he "retires" him, á la BLADE RUNNER:

In general, I must note that this movie is majestically entertaining. Allow me to submit, for your consideration, a scene where Russell Crowe jaunts down the street in a '90s zoot suit while homaging SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and receives his very first high-five––a moment which calls for serious and immediate contemplation.

 

Or this scene, where Russell Crowe rocks out, in concert, with some theremin-style 1990s musical accoutrement.

The film features John Waters'-own Traci Lords as a cyberpunk nightclub singer, 

and even brings us the mind-boggling occurrence of a Debbie Harry/non-David Byrne Talking Heads song called "No Talking Just Head" which, I guess, attempts to subtly satirize the Talking Heads' existence while mostly sounding like an ersatz Nine Inch Nails banger. This plays over the end credits and just feels like the perfect capper for the madness we've just witnessed.

But I don't want to stray too far from my main point, which is that "VIRTUOSITY is Ridley Scott's favorite movie." Now, I may have amply demonstrated the "whys" and "hows" of VIRTUOSITY becoming someone's favorite movie, but I haven't fully illustrated the Scott connection.

You're probably thinking: Oh, yeah, you're going to remind us that Ridley Scott is a maniac for Russell Crowe and casts him in all of his movies. He even cast Crowe and Denzel Washington in AMERICAN GANGSTER (2007), and reversed their roles, with Crowe as the cop pursuing Washington's criminal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're absolutely right, I think that's a point worth discussing. But I sense you pushing back already. 

Well, that's not enough to prove your hypothesis, buddy––you're making a serious claim about Sir Ridley Scott's rarefied tastes, and you don't have the receipts!

I hear your skepticism. I hear it loud and clear. But what if I told you that most of the supporting roles also had a latter-day Scott connection? Stephen Spinella ended up in the Scott-produced NUMB3ERS... and Junta Juleil Hall-O-Famer William Forsythe (THE ROCK, EXTREME PREJUDICE)

appeared in the Scott-produced MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE... the great William Fichtner (GO, HEAT, DRIVE ANGRY, THE DARK KNIGHT) 

was also later cast by Scott in BLACK HAWK DOWN (2001). (Oh yeah, and in this screencap, Fichtner appears next to none other than Louise "Nurse Ratched" Fletcher.) Who's to say that he didn't bring these folks into the Scott fold because he was such a VIRTUOSITY fanatic?

I am. These are all working actors, bub––having them pop up in a subsequent Scott project doesn't prove diddly.

Okay, I can accept that. But how about a canister of primordial, life-giving goo which lends Russell Crowe's A.I. a corporeal form:

 

isn't that exactly like the "concept of Alien life" promulgated by the Engineers in Scott's PROMETHEUS (2012)?

Maybe, but it's not terribly original here, nor in PROMETHEUS. You gotta give me something more substantial.

Alright, here it is: Russell Crowe bursts into an ultimate fighting championship––a modern gladiatorial game, if you will, not unlike Scott's GLADIATOR (2000)––and backflops (that's correct, it's more of a backflop than a backflip) into the ring, and offers not one, but two General Maximus-meets-Vince McMahon"Are you entertained?" gestures to the crowd.

Roll the tape:

Well, that's pretty spot-on, actually, you might be saying. Say, this is all pretty weird. Is it possible that Ridley Scott really does love VIRTUOSITY above all other films?

To which, I say––well, 1995 was a good year. Not "a good year" like Ridley Scott's 2006 Russell Crowe-vehicle wine-country drama "A GOOD YEAR," but a good year nonetheless:

Book 'em, Danno. I says: case closed.

Only now does it occur to me... V: THE SERIES, "THE SANCTION" (1x5) (1984)

Only now does it occur to me... that I've finally discovered the "real" Cobra Kai. Allow me to explain.

If you're new to the "V" series, you could start by reading my initial post on the subject which, though it is eventually hijacked by a happening known as "the Nut Slide of Doom," lays out the basic reasons why you should watch the first two miniseries and then stop before you get this far (to V: THE SERIES).

To recap: the V saga tells the story of the invasion of Earth by fascist aliens (who are actually rodent-snacking reptiles in disguise) who intend to rob our planet of its resources and enslave/eat our population. Some humans collaborate with them and become Vichy-style puppets and/or Hitler Youth. Others join the resistance, engaging in guerrilla warfare against the technologically superior Visitors. This story is skillfully told in V: THE ORIGINAL MINISERIES (1983). It is enjoyably continued as the actioner V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984). By the time we get to V: THE SERIES, its gutted budget and watered-down purpose have rendered it virtually unwatchable. (Meanwhile, the hair has gotten bigger and the costumes have become more ridiculous, so the "so-bad-it's-good" aficionados can still have a little fun.)

Jane Badler is the best: DYNASTY meets XANADU, man

 

The plot of this episode follows "Sean," son of Marc Singer's "Mike Donovan" (the BEASTMASTER himself, and the perpetrator of the aforementioned Nut Slide of Doom), as he continues his indoctrination as a member of the Visitors' youth program. Sean is now played by Nicky Katt (DAZED AND CONFUSED, THE LIMEY, THE BURBS), a longtime character actor and terrific smartass, who is at this point still a literal child.

Presumably because THE KARATE KID had come out that summer, this episode features the Visitors attempting to re-educate their human wards at a karate dojo.

 

 They introduce a new character to do so: "Klaus" (Thomas Callaway), who is equal parts "Jaws" from James Bond, random leather daddy, and "Kreese" from THE KARATE KID.

He is a sadist with a detachable hand which unveils a chain/whip extension. It's a whole thing. Anyway, he runs this evil dojo,

which is, for all intents and purposes, "Cobra Kai" with more space Nazis.

Now, the visual pun here is that the Visitors––who, remember, are reptiles in human disguises––are pretty close to cobras themselves, therefore, making this a technically more "authentic" Cobra Kai than the one featured in THE KARATE KID!

Anyway, this plotline comes to a close when Nicky Katt punches out (eventual KARATE KID alumnus) Michael Ironside and throws in his lot with the Visitors for good.

 

This does provide us with the excellent––if extremely improbable––visual of Ironside getting his ass kicked by a stone-cold child. (Who strikes first, strikes hard, and shows no mercy.)

I guess they did teach him some effective moves down at the fascist snake-man dojo. Uh, Kreese would be proud?

Only now does it occur to me... V: THE FINAL BATTLE (1984)

Only now does it occur to me... well, before I get ahead of myself, I'd be remiss if I didn't say a few words about the "V" franchise. An anti-fascist alien invasion adventure inspired by Sinclair Lewis' IT CAN'T HAPPEN HERE and John Steinbeck's THE MOON IS DOWN, Kenneth Johnson's V: THE ORIGINAL MINISERIES (1983) is a close-to-perfect three hours of television. It's potent enough to have been an inspiration to great artists (John Carpenter's THEY LIVE), popcorn flicks (INDEPENDENCE DAY), 

 

and dangerous fools (David Icke's whackadoo reptilian theories) alike. I'd say without reservation that it's one of the best sci-fi properties of the 1980s, which is obviously saying a lot. It's got everything from Robert Englund playing a lovable, post-MORK AND MINDY "gentle dullard" alien 

 

to Jane Badler playing the manipulative alien Nazi version of "DYNASTY meets XANADU." 

 

It's a rare breed of miniseries, and one which forced an important question upon the Reagan-era mainstream (which has since been "answered," for all of us, in one way or another): whose side will you choose when the Nazis come?

Then, there was a sequel––V: THE FINAL BATTLE. Made largely without Kenneth Johnson's participation, there's way more action, way less diversity, and fewer instances of social commentary, but it's still fairly solid TV, and you can really see its influence on subsequent sci-fi actioners, from ALIENS to TOTAL RECALL. Part of this is because the inimitable Michael Ironside joins the cast as the ex-CIA mercenary "Ham Tyler." 

 

His one-liners feel somewhat out of place on the heels of such heavy dramatic material, but that ain't Ironside's fault.

 

It was on this project that Michael Ironside met his real-life best friend (and best man at his wedding), the musician/actor Mickey Jones.

Anyway, I guess you could say this is all a prelude to one of the greatest/weirdest happenings in television history, a bit of fight choreography I can only describe as the "Nut Slide of Doom." It's the best stunt JCVD never did. Basically, a resistance leader––played by Marc Singer (THE BEASTMASTER himself)––decides to take out one of the alien Visitors by sliding off the hood of a spaceship and knocking the alien in the face with his crotch. That this tawdry moment happens in part 2 of a project which began with such lofty political, social, and historical aims does not invalidate the fact that it objectively rules. 

See for yourself:

 

And I'm not alone here. 

 

 

When V (again, without Kenneth Johnson) was turned into a weekly TV series, they chose this exact moment––and scored by somber synth music, no less!––to cap the opening credits sequence. They even freeze frame it. Don't believe me? Just watch.

 

Anyway. I just wanted to make sure that all of you were aware of this. And I'll be returning to V: THE SERIES quite soon for even more harebrained observations. (For the record, V: THE SERIES is terrible, and if you decide to enjoy the saga, do yourself a favor and quit at the end of V: THE FINAL BATTLE.)

Only now does it occur to me... EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY (1988)

Only now does it occur to me...  okay, bear with me here. As you may know, I derive great joy from analyzing/grasping at harebrained pop cultural narratives, rivalries, curiosities, and other ephemera. Today we'll be looking at "The Ground You Walk On" sequence from the classic 80's Sci-Fi/Comedy/Musical, EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY.

This song is of the classic "scorned lover" variety, as Geena Davis realizes that her doctor fiancé (Charles Rocket) has been cheating on her and proceeds to sing about it while she cartoonishly destroys his stuff. There's a lot of archetypal 1980s tasting notes here on display, from the "80s rule of pools" (if there is a pool present, a character will be pushed into it, flailing, in a zany comic moment)

 to a Pin Art executive toy being used to reenact "The Scream"

to the yuppie tableaux of using a golf club to smash a cologne shelf 

 

 and using a bowling ball (and a ramp made of skis––not a ski ramp!) to destroy a vintage PC.

But I'm digressing. None of this is why we are here. We're here for... Madonna.

First, I must note that EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY is co-written and co-starring "West Coast" Julie Brown, comedian, actress, and MTV personality. Madonna has always been one of Brown's favorite targets, culminating finally in the hour-long MEDUSA: DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL (1991), a vicious send-up of MADONNA: TRUTH OR DARE (1991). This prompted a bitter Madonna to send Ms. Brown the vaguely head-scratching Spite Gift of a half-drunk bottle of champagne (sensationally characterized by some as Madonna "sending her own spit in a champagne bottle"). This, however, being 1988, predates that bitter little tête-à-tête. 

Anyway, in the aforementioned Geena Davis "scorned lover" song, Geena also destroys the record collection of her betrothed. This happens to include the soundtrack album to WHO'S THAT GIRL––the weird, 1987 screwball Madonna flop––the cover of which is emblazoned with Madonna's image. 

The film then takes a moment––a real, lived-in moment––to allow Geena Davis to luxuriate on a couch and hurl Madonna into a fire.

I'm no stranger to some gentle Madonna Mockery (see also: my reviews of BODY OF EVIDENCE and WHO'S THAT GIRL), and I think Geena flinging this particular record into the flames is pretty objectively magnificent. But was there any fallout from this incident? Would it still be on Madonna's mind four years later when she co-starred with Geena Davis in A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN?

It would be difficult to know the answer to that question unless we had a window of insight into Madonna's mind, which would be fairly difficult to gauge, considering her levels of image control––but then... there's this, a letter from Madonna to the fashion photographer Steven Meisel, written during principal photography for A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN. In short, she says:

"I cannot suffer any more than I have in the past month learning how to play baseball with a bunch of girls (yuk) in Chicago (double yuk) I have a tan, I am dirty all day and I hardly ever wear make-up. Penny Marshall is Lavern — Geena Davis is a Barbie doll and when God decided where the beautiful men were going to live in the world, he did not choose Chicago. I have made a few friends but they are athletes, not actresses. I hate actresses."

Now, did Madonna choose to insult Geena Davis in this generally off-target way (apparently we all missed out on 'BEETLEJUICE' Barbie) because she was still sore about Geena flinging the WHO'S THAT GIRL soundtrack into a fiery hearth, even though said flinging was, I would wager, explicity written into Julie Brown's script? Ah, who can say. For her part, Geena seems to harbor no ill feelings in interviews, referring to Madonna as a "trouper." 

Perhaps a fitting benediction to all of this nonsense would be my favorite quote from a zebra-printed teenage tailgater in HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT: "Heavy metal rules, man!... Madonna can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. She's a dick!"

R.I.P., Clarence Williams III

R.I.P. to Clarence Williams III. Best known to audiences for THE MOD SQUAD, he was a former paratrooper, brilliant stage performer, and character actor who brought a singular intensity and scary fun to his roles, even when he was being pigeonholed as a convict or a gangster (see: MANIAC COP 2, AGAINST THE WALL, REINDEER GAMES, MIAMI VICE, AMERICAN GANGSTER, HOODLUM, THE COOL WORLD, etc.). He had a small but solid arc as an FBI agent on TWIN PEAKS, a fun bit in John Frankenheimer's TALES FROM THE CRYPT (one of his six collaborations with Frankenheimer) and got to play at "Cryptkeeper" himself in TALES FROM THE HOOD. He had an excellent supporting role in the very underrated DEEP COVER, and was the "Obi-Wan Kenobi" of butlers in THE BUTLER. His role as Prince's dad in PURPLE RAIN is an especially good one, but I must say that my personal favorite might be his turn as a blackmailer in Frankenheimer's Cannon film 52 PICK-UP, where he plays one of the most fearsome sociopaths in filmdom. R.I.P.