R.I.P., Cloris Leachman

R.I.P. to one of the all-time greats, and an actress to whom I've always wanted to devote more time here at Junta Juleil. You can read more about her sublime performances in SOMEONE I TOUCHED, CRAZY MAMA, and Cannon Films' HANSEL AND GRETEL.

Only now does it occur to me... SUBURBAN COMMANDO (1991)

Only now does it occur to me...  that SUBURBAN COMMANDO––which takes ample inspiration from the original STAR WARS trilogy––may have brought inspiration to George Lucas himself.


The opening shot appears to be a Star Destroyer pursuing an X-Wing over Tatooine

But not to put the cart too far before the horse: SUBURBAN COMMANDO is the sci-fi bounty hunting family-friendly action-comedy that we, as a society, deserve. That is not to say that it is good in any objective sense, for it is not. It's no TWIN SITTERS, is what I'm saying.

Originally intended as an Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito vehicle, it ended up as a Hulk Hogan/Christopher Lloyd one, which is definitely weirder. The plot is this: interstellar commando The Hulkster has to recharge his batteries on Earth after a mission gone wrong.

Meanwhile, lily-livered suburban architect Christopher Lloyd is having a midlife crisis.

He lets himself get shoved around at work by an asshole boss and his marriage with Shelley Duvall is on the rocks

That's right, Shelley Duvall co-stars in a Hulk Hogan movie

because of implied erectile dysfunction and/or disinterest. What do you suppose the odds are that fish-out-of-water badass Hulk Hogan is going to turn his life upside down and teach him how to be a Real Man? Yep, it's that kind of movie.

Along the way, we have a poor man's Michael Ironside (William Ball, Tony nominee and opera director!) as an alien general and the Hulkster's greatest foe,

Jack Elam (ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, GUNFIGHT AT THE O.K. CORRAL) as a drunken army vet and neighborhood comic relief,

The Undertaker (!) and Tony Longo as evil bounty hunters (who easily could have been played by the Barbarian Brothers or Brian Thompson),

and a recurring gag where the Hulkster keeps trying to save a mime from what he imagines are invisible force fields, but ends up accidentally causing the mime bodily harm.

The Hulkster also wears these pants (the physical embodiment of 1991),

skateboards himself to greatness, flips a car, wears a tuxedo,

 

and does bicep curls with a jigsaw and a benchtop drill press.

Is any of this actually good? Does it matter? It really feels like a New World Picture, and I was surprised to find it was New Line, although it's definitely of a piece with other 90s New Line offerings like THE MASK, HOUSE PARTY, MR. NANNY, DROP DEAD FRED, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES, and MONKEY TROUBLE. Anyway, all's well that end's well,

and Christopher Lloyd is restored to masculine greatness, Shelley Duvall wears that hideous early 90s floral print dress, and the kids are alright, I guess, but they never got much screen-time to begin with. The Hulkster learns the virtues of relaxing, too, after he utters the line, "Sometimes I think I spend more time saving worlds than living in them."

Oh yeah, remember when I said this movie may have inspired George Lucas? Well, from the starships to Christopher Lloyd jokingly referring to the Hulkster as "Darth Vader," it's rife with the fingerprints of STAR WARS fandom (though the tone is closer to SPACEBALLS). However, the Hulkster sports a particular, hideous rat-tail braid behind his ear throughout


which I think might well have inspired the "padawan braid" worn throughout the STAR WARS prequels by young Jedi-in-training,

which may be one of the worst additions to that particular canon this side of midi-chlorians. An addition which would be made even more spectacular if George Lucas had once decided "hey, that looks cool!" during a viewing of SUBURBAN COMMANDO.

Only now does it occur to me... SOMEONE I TOUCHED (1975)

Only now does it occur to me... that SOMEONE I TOUCHED is the disease detective melodrama we all need right now.

It opens with local county public health official Andy Robinson––whom you may recall as "the Scorpio Killer" in DIRTY HARRY or "the dad" in HELLRAISER––hunting down Glynnis O'Connor at a game of beach volleyball (!) in order to tell her she has syphilis. Talk about harshing the vibe!

Andy Robinson, who has played a raft of psychos, degenerates, and hapless bank robbers, is meant to be compassionate and reassuring in his demeanor, like Mr. Rogers. He's a good enough actor to pull this off, but the scenario still had me chuckling.

He tasks her with informing her sexual partners––namely, James Olson (COMMANDO, RAGTIME), a  suburban man she met at the grocery store where she works checkout. He's married, too––specifically, to Cloris muthafuckin' Leachman.

I know we've discussed my love for Cloris here––as a pistol-whippin' outlaw in CRAZY MAMA and as a crazed cannibal witch in Cannon Films' HANSEL AND GRETEL––but ya know what, I don't think I sing her praises enough.

Her character's pregnant, but she's still in the labor pool––she works in an editorial capacity for a small publishing company. I must mention that said company, run by THE PRODUCERS' Kenneth Mars, is seemingly dedicated to the worship of a particular creepy dummy. This one:

There is no explanation given here, just a creepy dummy sitting around the office. On the far wall, there's a crude sketch of the dummy as well.

WHY IS IT THERE? The film overtly refuses to broach the subject, which only increases my levels of curiosity. Perhaps there is no why. It just is.

Later, when Cloris packs up for maternity leave, she takes the dummy. Again, she does not mention its meaning or purpose. She just shares a tender moment with it and puts it in a box. This means the dummy belongs to her, and is not, like, the "corporate mascot" or something. WHAT IS GOING ON.

 

Anyway, urged on by Andy Robinson's disease detective, James Olson decides he must come clean to Cloris about the infidelity and the syphilis. He has to––it could even impact the development of the forthcoming baby. 

What follows is one of the greatest moments in TV movie history. He says, "I've got syphilis."

And Cloris internalizes this, agonizes over it.

 

She feels revulsion at his touch.

  

She backs away.

 

And she backs away.

And backs away some more.

 

And, my god, she backs into yet another portrait of the weird dummy! But I must say, it's one of those rare moments in film where the melodrama is patently, risibly ridiculous, and yet it's all rather deeply felt and performed. You see a half a dozen emotions play across Cloris' face as she categorizes every implication, relates it to her unborn child, relates it to her domestic life, considers every ramification, and plans her next move. All of this is apparent and subtly played, even in the face of the longest, slowest "recoil in disgust" moment in all filmdom. I love this.

Anyway, along the way there are twists, turns, catharses, prognoses, and all manner of movie-of-the-week melodrama. It even ends with a timely and, let me be the first to say it––legitimately poignant––finale which emphasizes that your personal emotions do not matter as far as contagious diseases are concerned. You simply have to do the right thing for public health and your fellow citizens, even if that causes you temporary discomfort or perceived embarrassment. Rise above your vanity, cause we're all in this together!

There's never an explanation for the dummy, though. Ah, well. Its mystery shall endure.

Television Review: CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT (1992, Arnold Schwarzenegger)

Stars: I dunno, 3? 3 of 5? Does that seem like too many?
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Dyan Cannon (DEATHTRAP, BOB & TED & CAROL & ALICE), Kris Kristofferson (ALICE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE, CONVOY), Tony Curtis (SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS, SPARTACUS), Richard Roundtree (SHAFT, SHAFT'S BIG SCORE), Jimmy Workman ("Pugsley" from THE ADDAMS FAMILY and ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES), Sonny Carl Davis (TERRORVISION, THE 'BURBS). Cast by Jackie Burch, the legendary casting director responsible for the ensembles in PREDATOR, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, COMMANDO, FRIGHT NIGHT, DIE HARD, and COMING TO AMERICA. Music by Charles Fox (DEMOLITION MAN, 9 TO 5).
Tagline: "She's hungry for ratings... he's hungry for dinner... director Arnold Schwarzenegger cooks up a holiday hit!"
Best one-liner: "I'll be back!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway: 

"So what are we doin' for the holidays this year?"

–"Nada mucho, good buddy. I'm afraid there will be no Christmas at Junta Juleil this year."  

"But what about all the good times? REINDEER GAMES? DIE HARD? BATMAN RETURNS? CHRISTMAS AT PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE? ELVES? JINGLE ALL THE WAY?"

–"Why would you even mention JINGLE ALL THE WAY? I'm still a little pissed at you for making me watch that."

"But don't ya just associate Christmas with Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

–"What? No."

"Well, maybe you should. Cause I got a motion picture for ya here that's gonna blow your mind: CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT."

–"Isn't that that '40s movie where, according to the promotional materials, Dennis Morgan is gonna teach Barbara Stanwyck about men, 'the Navy way?'"

"Well, yes. But this isn't that."

–"There's another CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT?"

"So in 1992, TNT––that is, Turner Network Television––decided to finance a made-for-TV remake. The choice of director was... shall we say... unconventional."

–"WHAT?! Schwarzenegger? Are you JINGLE ALL THE WAY-ing me again?"

"Not exactly. Though JINGLE ALL THE WAY is an underrated movie, and the only one I can think of which features a Santa laying down smack with candy cane nunchaku. But let's focus on the film at hand. So Arnie was trying to figure out if directing was really for him. He'd already cut his teeth on a TALES FROM THE CRYPT episode in 1990 and was looking for something bigger."

–"Uhhh.... by 'bigger,' you mean a Hallmark-level rom-com?"

"Let's not peg the big guy down. Like Walt Whitman, Arnie contains multitudes: TOTAL RECALL and TWINS, THE TERMINATOR and JUNIOR."

–"Just tell me what we're dealing with here."

"Kris Kristofferson plays a heroic forest ranger who makes the national news after a dramatic rescue. Arnold really puts a lot of himself into his direction here, as we spend some time really getting to know Kristofferson as he silently works out in his cabin. Sorta like the prologue to COMMANDO.

–"Kristofferson really giving us some Chuck Norris-in-a-Cannon-Film vibes there."

"Meanwhile, in New York City, Dyan Cannon plays a Martha Stewart-esque lifestyle TV host. The twist is that she's only the façade of the program––she doesn't actually know how to cook or decorate. 

 

She's really a lonely, apartment-dwelling lady whose greatest passion is, I guess, Hummel figurines.

 Her world is ruled by her overbearing producer, played by Tony Curtis."

–"And Arnold worked with his daughter the next year when they shot TRUE LIES! I wonder if Jamie Lee is in that movie because of Arnold and Tony's friendship?"

"Who can say. Anyway, Tony Curtis, who has retained the oily smarm of his character from SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS and fused it together with something like latter-day Liberace, is sort of the MVP of this whole strange affair.

Donning silk shirts, clutching pearls, and enjoying avocado-and-green-tea facials, Tony hasn't had this much fun since he was a pampered disco daddy in THE MANITOU."

–"Hey, like Martha Plimpton says in PECKER, 'No tea-bagging.'"

"Sure. So Tony Curtis sees Kris Kristofferson on the teevee and decides that he ought to be the special guest on Dyan Cannon's live Christmas special, to be filmed at a prop house in Connecticut. Dyan's media persona is, apparently, built on the idea that she is married with adult children and lives her life as a happy homemaker in New England. I don't know how this subterfuge is supposed to have worked, since, the first time it comes up in the film, her overbearing producer (Tony Curtis) suggests, in the spur of the moment, that he should play the role of her husband. Who's been playing that role up till now?"

–"Seems ill-conceived."

"Eh, it doesn't really matter. The whole thing would probably be easier if they just told Kris the truth, that he was appearing on a TV program governed by a certain amount of artifice. I guess it's more of a device so that Dyan Cannon has to pretend she's unavailable to Kris Kristofferson even though they have obvious and immediate chemistry."

–"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Schwarzenegger directs the scene in which they first meet with a deft directorial hand. You see, Kristofferson comes in the front door while Cannon is bending over and cleaning up some broken glass. He proceeds to check out her butt for an excruciating twenty-nine seconds."

–"That's, like, an eternity in TV time."

"Ya don't tell an auteur what to do. I've seen Terrence Malick contemplate the beauty of a reed rustling in the wind for twenty-nine seconds. Anyway, sparks continue to fly when Dyan Cannon watches Kris chopping wood."

–"Also like in COMMANDO!"

"Most things in life come back to COMMANDO. This, obviously, leads to a sequence which I would describe as 'Let Me Show You How to Cut a Tree.' It's no 'Let Me Show You How to Play Tennis,' but it works just as well in a pinch."

–"Romantic."

"I'll say. Finally, things come to a head once the live taping begins. A comedy of errors ensues with  problem after problem spawned by Dyan Cannon's fake family, her inability to actually cook, and zany/domineering producorial decisions made by Tony Curtis. 

Kris Kristofferson, the everyman, is quite confused by the whole thing,

and it's all nearly too much for poor Tony Curtis.

Oh, did I mention Richard Roundtree is in this, too? He plays a network executive whom TC (that's right, I have a new Tony Curtis abbreviation) interrupts mid-Mass––we're talkin' full-on mouthful of Eucharist––with a highlight reel on VHS."

–"What in the hell is going on here? Can we just wrap this up?"

"Oh, yeah––and you should know that Schwarzenegger puts a few more personal, directorial touches on the movie. First-off, like Alfred Hitchcock, he gives himself a cameo. He plays "Guy in Crew Tent on Phone With Winter Coat on His Knees."

–"Just like Hitch. I'm sure it's worth the price of admission."

"And I saved the best for last––he has Dyan Cannon's faux son-in-law (Gene Lythgow) dress up as THE TERMINATOR and say, 'I'll be back.'"

–"Gene Lythgow? Is that like an off-brand John Lithgow? Everything about this movie seems like it's slightly off-brand, ersatz. Oh, it's not that CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT. And it aired on TNT? TNT is such an ersatz network. Why not just put it on USA or TBS?"

"Doesn't seem like you're much in the holiday spirit."

–"I'm not. I'm a real grinch."

"I know what'll cheer you up. I'll let you in on a little secret. Remember REINDEER GAMES?"

–"I've been trying to forget REINDEER GAMES."

"Yeah, but whenever I'm feeling low, I watch that really heartwarming scene where Gary Sinise throws darts into Ben Affleck. Like Colt 45, I find that it works every time."

–"Whaddya know, I do feel better. Why, it's a holiday miracle––Merry Christmas!––God bless us every one!"

"It's the gift that keeps giving. Anyway, CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT, ladies and gentlemen."