Television Review: CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT (1992, Arnold Schwarzenegger)

Stars: I dunno, 3? 3 of 5? Does that seem like too many?
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Dyan Cannon (DEATHTRAP, BOB & TED & CAROL & ALICE), Kris Kristofferson (ALICE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE, CONVOY), Tony Curtis (SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS, SPARTACUS), Richard Roundtree (SHAFT, SHAFT'S BIG SCORE), Jimmy Workman ("Pugsley" from THE ADDAMS FAMILY and ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES), Sonny Carl Davis (TERRORVISION, THE 'BURBS). Cast by Jackie Burch, the legendary casting director responsible for the ensembles in PREDATOR, THE BREAKFAST CLUB, COMMANDO, FRIGHT NIGHT, DIE HARD, and COMING TO AMERICA. Music by Charles Fox (DEMOLITION MAN, 9 TO 5).
Tagline: "She's hungry for ratings... he's hungry for dinner... director Arnold Schwarzenegger cooks up a holiday hit!"
Best one-liner: "I'll be back!"

In a familiar, darkened alleyway: 

"So what are we doin' for the holidays this year?"

–"Nada mucho, good buddy. I'm afraid there will be no Christmas at Junta Juleil this year."  

"But what about all the good times? REINDEER GAMES? DIE HARD? BATMAN RETURNS? CHRISTMAS AT PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE? ELVES? JINGLE ALL THE WAY?"

–"Why would you even mention JINGLE ALL THE WAY? I'm still a little pissed at you for making me watch that."

"But don't ya just associate Christmas with Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

–"What? No."

"Well, maybe you should. Cause I got a motion picture for ya here that's gonna blow your mind: CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT."

–"Isn't that that '40s movie where, according to the promotional materials, Dennis Morgan is gonna teach Barbara Stanwyck about men, 'the Navy way?'"

"Well, yes. But this isn't that."

–"There's another CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT?"

"So in 1992, TNT––that is, Turner Network Television––decided to finance a made-for-TV remake. The choice of director was... shall we say... unconventional."

–"WHAT?! Schwarzenegger? Are you JINGLE ALL THE WAY-ing me again?"

"Not exactly. Though JINGLE ALL THE WAY is an underrated movie, and the only one I can think of which features a Santa laying down smack with candy cane nunchaku. But let's focus on the film at hand. So Arnie was trying to figure out if directing was really for him. He'd already cut his teeth on a TALES FROM THE CRYPT episode in 1990 and was looking for something bigger."

–"Uhhh.... by 'bigger,' you mean a Hallmark-level rom-com?"

"Let's not peg the big guy down. Like Walt Whitman, Arnie contains multitudes: TOTAL RECALL and TWINS, THE TERMINATOR and JUNIOR."

–"Just tell me what we're dealing with here."

"Kris Kristofferson plays a heroic forest ranger who makes the national news after a dramatic rescue. Arnold really puts a lot of himself into his direction here, as we spend some time really getting to know Kristofferson as he silently works out in his cabin. Sorta like the prologue to COMMANDO.

–"Kristofferson really giving us some Chuck Norris-in-a-Cannon-Film vibes there."

"Meanwhile, in New York City, Dyan Cannon plays a Martha Stewart-esque lifestyle TV host. The twist is that she's only the façade of the program––she doesn't actually know how to cook or decorate. 

 

She's really a lonely, apartment-dwelling lady whose greatest passion is, I guess, Hummel figurines.

 Her world is ruled by her overbearing producer, played by Tony Curtis."

–"And Arnold worked with his daughter the next year when they shot TRUE LIES! I wonder if Jamie Lee is in that movie because of Arnold and Tony's friendship?"

"Who can say. Anyway, Tony Curtis, who has retained the oily smarm of his character from SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS and fused it together with something like latter-day Liberace, is sort of the MVP of this whole strange affair.

Donning silk shirts, clutching pearls, and enjoying avocado-and-green-tea facials, Tony hasn't had this much fun since he was a pampered disco daddy in THE MANITOU."

–"Hey, like Martha Plimpton says in PECKER, 'No tea-bagging.'"

"Sure. So Tony Curtis sees Kris Kristofferson on the teevee and decides that he ought to be the special guest on Dyan Cannon's live Christmas special, to be filmed at a prop house in Connecticut. Dyan's media persona is, apparently, built on the idea that she is married with adult children and lives her life as a happy homemaker in New England. I don't know how this subterfuge is supposed to have worked, since, the first time it comes up in the film, her overbearing producer (Tony Curtis) suggests, in the spur of the moment, that he should play the role of her husband. Who's been playing that role up till now?"

–"Seems ill-conceived."

"Eh, it doesn't really matter. The whole thing would probably be easier if they just told Kris the truth, that he was appearing on a TV program governed by a certain amount of artifice. I guess it's more of a device so that Dyan Cannon has to pretend she's unavailable to Kris Kristofferson even though they have obvious and immediate chemistry."

–"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Schwarzenegger directs the scene in which they first meet with a deft directorial hand. You see, Kristofferson comes in the front door while Cannon is bending over and cleaning up some broken glass. He proceeds to check out her butt for an excruciating twenty-nine seconds."

–"That's, like, an eternity in TV time."

"Ya don't tell an auteur what to do. I've seen Terrence Malick contemplate the beauty of a reed rustling in the wind for twenty-nine seconds. Anyway, sparks continue to fly when Dyan Cannon watches Kris chopping wood."

–"Also like in COMMANDO!"

"Most things in life come back to COMMANDO. This, obviously, leads to a sequence which I would describe as 'Let Me Show You How to Cut a Tree.' It's no 'Let Me Show You How to Play Tennis,' but it works just as well in a pinch."

–"Romantic."

"I'll say. Finally, things come to a head once the live taping begins. A comedy of errors ensues with  problem after problem spawned by Dyan Cannon's fake family, her inability to actually cook, and zany/domineering producorial decisions made by Tony Curtis. 

Kris Kristofferson, the everyman, is quite confused by the whole thing,

and it's all nearly too much for poor Tony Curtis.

Oh, did I mention Richard Roundtree is in this, too? He plays a network executive whom TC (that's right, I have a new Tony Curtis abbreviation) interrupts mid-Mass––we're talkin' full-on mouthful of Eucharist––with a highlight reel on VHS."

–"What in the hell is going on here? Can we just wrap this up?"

"Oh, yeah––and you should know that Schwarzenegger puts a few more personal, directorial touches on the movie. First-off, like Alfred Hitchcock, he gives himself a cameo. He plays "Guy in Crew Tent on Phone With Winter Coat on His Knees."

–"Just like Hitch. I'm sure it's worth the price of admission."

"And I saved the best for last––he has Dyan Cannon's faux son-in-law (Gene Lythgow) dress up as THE TERMINATOR and say, 'I'll be back.'"

–"Gene Lythgow? Is that like an off-brand John Lithgow? Everything about this movie seems like it's slightly off-brand, ersatz. Oh, it's not that CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT. And it aired on TNT? TNT is such an ersatz network. Why not just put it on USA or TBS?"

"Doesn't seem like you're much in the holiday spirit."

–"I'm not. I'm a real grinch."

"I know what'll cheer you up. I'll let you in on a little secret. Remember REINDEER GAMES?"

–"I've been trying to forget REINDEER GAMES."

"Yeah, but whenever I'm feeling low, I watch that really heartwarming scene where Gary Sinise throws darts into Ben Affleck. Like Colt 45, I find that it works every time."

–"Whaddya know, I do feel better. Why, it's a holiday miracle––Merry Christmas!––God bless us every one!"

"It's the gift that keeps giving. Anyway, CHRISTMAS IN CONNECTICUT, ladies and gentlemen."