Sunday, January 4, 2009

Food Review: REAL COTTON CANDY (2008?, United States?)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Maker: Sideshow Snacks.
Home Country: United States?
Where procured: Bodega in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

This was procured on a jokish whim. A mere ninety-nine cents for some 'genuine' cotton candy in a bag from some shadowy bodega, the frozen-smiled yammering clown depicted on the package proudly hoisting some of the candy forth, proclaiming it to be "Real." I truly believe that at the time of purchase, there was no intent whatsoever to ever consume the candy. Yet at some point, after the bag's continued taunting, it got popped open in the presence of friends. Several consumed at least one bite of the candy and have thus far not suffered any ill effects. But there are a few things that give me pause. The bodega in question had yellowed walls, pressboard faux-wood, and a selection of dusty toys that have not been sold since at least the early 90's. Given the preservative faculties of modern-day junk food chemicals, I suppose I should not be AS worried, but there is a healthy chance that said bag of 'REAL Cotton Candy' had been sitting on the discolored shelf for upwards of eighteen years. I would hope this would not be the case, but as I have consumed some of the bag's contents well over a week ago and have not yet perished, I believe that the worst is behind me.

Now, on to the product. That first bite is the make or break moment. If you're going to do one bite, you'll probably do four or five or six. But upon that first bite, there's certainly a moment-of-truth instant that makes you feel a bit like a sky-jumper or bull-fighter. But then, after all of the to-do, it's almost disappointing. It tastes a bit like the marshmallow bits in children's cereals. No, it tastes EXACTLY like the marshmallow bits in children's cereals. Though as you rip forth a bite-sized chunk, it makes a rather disturbing cob-webby sound that recalls an enormous spider shuffling across its web. Then there's the disquieting propensity for the stuff to stick to your fingers, and not in a small residue, but in large globules:

Overall, surprisingly edible and not nearly as disturbing as we were led to believe, though quite disturbing enough, thank you very much. Next time, I shall pass. Two of five stars.

-Sean Gill


Jillaine said...

Let us give credit where credit is due...this item was purchased after much discussion by Jillaine and Jesse....I believe paid for by the aforementioned Mr. Carlson...with the intent to be given to and enjoyed by one Mr. Garcia on the eve of his departure. Product was sadly not consumed by any of these three participants. Instead it lay patiently in wait on the Gill couch until eventually tantalizing Sean. In any event, let us commend Mr. Carlson for shelling out the cash.

Anonymous said...

Kudos to you, Mr. Gill, for actually consuming said product. And double kudos to you, Ms. Gill, for giving me credit. However, I completely disagree with this review. The so-called "globules" are half the fun. As it hardens on the tips of your fingers it only becomes better, awaiting that moment when you bite it away like some shell because it inhibits your ability to grab more of the heavenly fluff. I have consumed several bags of this Real Cotton Candy myself with no side effects other than that of ecstatic joy and culinary delight. Here's my suggestion to you, Mr. Gill, get yourself a big ol' tube o' glue and a big ol' bag of Real Cotton Candy and live.

Sean Gill said...

Well, given the public outcry which my review seems to have inspired, perhaps I shall indeed give REAL COTTON CANDY a second chance, perhaps even with the glue chaser that Mr. Carlson recommends. If said reconsideration should come to pass, I will certainly post a follow-up for you, dear readers, exquisitely detailing my surely singular experiences. Best, Sean