Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Film Review: BULLETPROOF (1988, Steve Carver)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 93 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Gary Busey, Henry Silva, L.Q. Jones, R.G. Armstrong, Darlanne Fluegel, William Smith (ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN), Juan Fernandez (Miguel in CROCODILE DUNDEE II, FEAR CITY, CAT CHASER). Director is Steve Carver, who did BIG BAD MAMA, LONE WOLF MCQUADE, and JOCKS.
Tag-lines: "Improbable odds. Unstoppable force."
Best one-liner(s): See review.

"I think we blew him off." "You don't blow off a guy like McBain!" BULLETPROOF is a half-hour of third-rate LETHAL WEAPON, a half-hour of rip-off OCTAGON, and a half-hour of faux RAMBO III held together by the super-glue, the incredible human cement that is Gary Busey. Busey, as Frank "Bulletproof" McBain, strolls into this film with his tight jeans, white sneakers, and ginormous, shining teeth and sets it ablaze with four simple words: "Your worst nightmare, butt-horn!"

Even besides Busey, this film's got it all: young Danny Trejo as the rocket-launching, ice-cream trucking intro villain Sharkey; ridiculous banter with a Danny Glover-esque sidekick and a running gag involving calling for back-up; TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A.'s Darlanne Fluegel telling an evidently Arabian Henry Silva to "go fuck your camel!;" a top-secret tank code-named 'Thunderblast;' nuns getting machine-gunned; and Peckinpah-fave L.Q. Jones acting like he huffed too much glue. But back to Busey.

Did I mention that there's a scene where he lays on his bed with his saxophone, deep in thought... remembering back to when he was playing some reverb-heavy 80's sax... ON THE BEACH?! Did I mention McBain has been shot 39 times and carefully preserves all the bullets in an old Mason jar? That he greets and addresses inanimate objects like jukeboxes and motorcycles? Did I mention that he slides a glass ashtray into some dude's nuts? Did I mention that 'BIRD SEASON IS OVER...BUTT-HORN?'

This movie is perpetually perched in the rafters, ready to call you butt-horn, and for that it earns five stars. "McBain!" "YEIAH!"

-Sean Gill

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

busey yelling butthorn is now a permanently etched onto my skin. thank you for the beautiful tattoo busey.

rehanog said...

Your review is magnificent. I was quietly chuckling about your description of Busey as human cement for hours.

Sean Gill said...

Glad you enjoyed, sir. I've got a large-scale appreciation of SURVIVING THE GAME in the works, so if you haven't already, prepare to learn the new Busey maxim "When you're eating the flesh of the pig, look into his beady little eyes, that way you'll be devouring his soul."

Rob said...

I laugh constantly at the the word butthorn now