Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Film Review: NATIONAL TREASURE- BOOK OF SECRETS (2007, Jon Turteltaub)

Stars: 2 of 5.
Running Time: 124 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Nic Cage, Ed Harris, Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel, Helen Mirren, Diane Kruger, Justin Bartha.
Tag-lines: "Nicolas Cage."
Best one-liner: "What's the final clue?"

Alright, class, raise your hands if you want to see a Nic Cage movie. Good, good, almost everyone. Now, keep your hands raised if you also want to learn about American history. Alright, a bunch of hands just went down. What's the deal, kiddies? Alright. So...what if it was make-believe American history? Great, most of those hands went right back up. Now, keep your hands raised if you want to see Ed Harris play the villain.

Wow, not a single hand went down. Okay, so keep ‘em raised if you want to see Ed Harris' villain have his hands tied behind his back by some Michael Bay-lite hack in a PG-rated, violence free cornball fest? Hey! Where'd everybody go?

And there you have it, ladies and gents. If you want to see a bored Keitel sitting behind a desk,

Keitel's spirit is so broken he didn't even ASK if he could have a nude scene.

an exasperated Ed Harris daydreaming about APPALOOSA II, and Helen Mirren sadly bantering with Jon Voight

"Jon, stop thinking about Angelina for a minute, you're just gonna get yourself all worked up. We have some scenes to shoot."

(who's either phoning it in, or has totally lost it), then by all means, NATIONAL TREASURE 2 is for you.

Even with one arm tied behind his back, Ed is still majestically terrifying. "Hey kiddies, how'd you like my movie?"

The last hour is basically a geriatric GOONIES. No kid wants to see that. But, surprise, surprise, no adult wants to see this, either. And who the hell is this Justin Bartha guy? Smack dab in the middle of a crowd of paycheck collecting A-listers is this prime jag-off J. Crew faux-nerd intended for comic relief.

Nearly every scene is bookended with his nauseating delivery of nauseating lines, so, even if you sorta like a scene, he's going to make sure you leave with a bad taste in your mouth.

Also, the film promises to show Nic Cage KIDNAPPING THE PRESIDENT.

This could've been a real coup- I was thinking ball gag and everything. And with the superb Bruce Greenwood as the Pres, what could go wrong? Well, there is no kidnapping. Cage instead briefly speaks privately with the president.

An action flick should be like a shot of bourbon. The first one was watered down, but had a little bite. Here, we got a shot glass full of water. If you hold it up to the light, you can kinda see a tinge of brown, but not really. No sale, fellas.

-Sean Gill

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