Friday, June 13, 2014

Only now does it occur to me... CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7: REVELATION

Only now does it occur to me...  are we really going to talk about CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7: REVELATION?  Yeah, I guess we are.  But not really.  We're really just going to talk about Michael Ironside for a minute, cause it's been a while.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 7 is kind of like a really bad X-FILES episode that happens to be missing Mulder and Scully.  There are fleeting moments of unintentional humor (usually involving bad dubbing, CGI cornstalks, or stock horror tracks from a music library that was very much overused in the late 90s), but it's not actually worth your time.  So let's get to Ironside.

Ironside plays a weird n' creepy priest who mostly wanders around around, looking mysterious and underpaid as he glowers silently from afar.
 A foggy alleyway makes me wish I was watching HIGHLANDER 2.

He basically fills the nonsensical and vaguely menacing shoes occupied by the "Cult of Thorn" from movies four through six in the HALLOWEEN cycle.  I was beginning to wonder if they'd signed Ironside to a cheaper, "no dialogue" contract until he finally spoke a line an hour and two minutes into the film (twenty minutes from the end). 

What do you suppose that line is?  Something poetic?  Something lyrical?  Something worth the wait?

"They're waiting for Dah-dah."

Nice to see you're using Ironside to his full potential, guys.  However, I do appreciate that they've taken his existing scar (from walking through a plate-glass window, drunk, in the late 70s) and accentuated it.

Anyway, he offers our heroine some communion wine (and, indeed, we sure as hell need a drink)

and is then tasked with sort of explaining the plot of the movie, including some references to the first film and the Big Baddie, the corn god "He Who Walks Behind the Rows."

Then he walks out of the movie after a full six minutes of screentime and about fifteen lines of dialogue.  If I had to make an educated guess, I'd say he was on set for one day; maybe eight to twelve hours.  That's not too bad.  I hope craft services at least offered some decent crudités or something.  (Although based on the content and quality, I wouldn't be surprised if it was... canned creamed corn!)

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