Only now does it occur to me... THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1999)

Only now does it occur to me... that the most concentrated five minutes of sheer "1990s" ever spat out upon celluloid probably occurs at the beginning of William Malone's (fortieth anniversary) remake of William Castle's THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL.

Within a single, five minute span we have: Geoffrey Rush doing a Vincent Price impersonation (his character is even named Price) and making Beanie Babies (!) references,

 

 

 

 

 

 


"the '90s-personified" singer-songwriter and glasses enthusiast Lisa Loeb as a local reporter interviewing him,

 

 

 

 

 

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER's James "Spike" Marsters as her hapless cameraman,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(oh, did I mention this is set at an amusement park with X-treme rollercoasters?)

 

Loeb and Marsters riding an X-treme rollercoaster,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cut to: an early Macintosh PowerBook rocking some clip art,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

haunted '90s email which deletes text on its own,

 

 

 

 

 

 

Famke Janssen (GOLDENEYE, ROUNDERS, THE FACULTY, MELROSE PLACE) in a luxurious '90s bubble bath,  discussing her birthday party,

 

 

 

 

 

 

followed by a montage of the party attendees, which include Taye Diggs (GO, HOW STELLA GOT HER GROOVE BACK, ALLY MCBEAL),

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Peter Gallagher (AMERICAN BEAUTY, MALICE, CENTER STAGE, WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING, THE HUDSUCKER PROXY, THE PLAYER),

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Ali Larter (VARSITY BLUES, FINAL DESTINATION, DAWSON'S CREEK, LEGALLY BLONDE, SUDDENLY SUSAN),

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
who is waving around a Sharp ViewCam camcorder like she just don't care,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
and Bridgette Wilson-Sampras (BILLY MADISON, MORTAL KOMBAT, SAVED BY THE BELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, HIGHER LEARNING, THE LAST ACTION HERO)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the latter two actresses of whom, slight hairstyling differences aside, I defy anyone to tell apart. And that's not all! Before the five minutes have elapsed, we meet SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE's Chris Kattan

 

 

 

 

 

 
in a serious (?!) role. And there you have it. I'm not sure there's a more concentrated dose of '90s out there. You might try HACKERS, sure, or REALITY BITES, EMPIRE RECORDS, SPICE WORLD, BIO-DOME, maybe even BATMAN AND ROBIN, perhaps TANK GIRL or THE PHANTOM, but I'm not sure you'll find it.

However, it brings me no joy to also tell you that: the rest of HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL '99 is pretty mediocre.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
There is a fun homage to SUSPIRIA with primary colored stained glass falling down to (near) murderous effect:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
And a blink-and-you'll-miss-him cameo by REANIMATOR's own Jeffrey Combs as a mad scientist:

 

But, anyway. Aside from the 90s nostalgia, there's zero reason to recommend this over the William Castle original, which features everything from acid skeletons to a lesser Mitchum to Vincent Price doing whatever the hell he wants.