Thursday, September 24, 2009

Film Review: THE APPLE (1980, Menahem Golan)

Stars: 5 of 5.
Running Time: 90 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Catherine Mary Stewart (WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S, NIGHT OF THE COMET), Vladek Sheybal (Mr. Boogalow- and Bratchenko in RED DAWN!), cameo by George S. Clinton (composer: HELLBOUND, AUSTIN POWERS), Joss Ackland (HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER, LETHAL WEAPON 2).
Tag-line: "A Funky Fantasy That'll Rock Your World!"
Best one-liner: "First you sell it. Then you make it. That's marketing." And a candid window of insight into Menahem Golan's artistic process.

No comment here, merely a history lesson. Times were tough in 1994. Remember what it was like back then? The gays had seized control and turned quotidian life into an unending dystopia of torment and suffering.

The things they made us do. It was unspeakable.

The list of rules was endless: we had to wear those glittery triangles called BIM marks, we had to take breaks for National BIM exercise hour, the government had an unhealthy concern with fashion and pop music, drugs were legalized, and hippies were forced into exile to live in the forest and do whatever they want. I guess the list wasn't endless. I guess that was about it.

But thank God for Alphie and Bibi, who realized that the power of love could defeat the gays and prevent everyone from biting the apple.

Well, truth be told, the gays weren't actually defeated, just all the chosen people (I guess the hippies) ascended straight into heaven, and then some guy we thought was just a background character revealed himself as GOD and ascended as well.

But, anyway, thank God we don't have those oppressive gays anymore, telling us what music to like and how to dress.

-Sean Gill

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