A short play called "Chainsaw Alley's a Helluva Place to be at 3 O'Clock in the Morning, or at Any Other Time" (which I originally wrote a while back for STAGE BLOOD IS NEVER ENOUGH) will be appearing at Blue Box Productions' STICKY this Friday, where it will star the talented Meghan Holland and my sister, Jillaine Gill. The details are as follows:
WHO: You. WHAT: A smattering of short plays accompanied by booze. WHEN: 7:00 PM on Friday, May 20th. WHERE: The Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery between Houston and Bleecker. WHY: Support independent theater while acquiring booze. HOW MUCH: $10 at the door.
Stars: 5 of 5. Running Time: 92 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Brian Bosworth (ONE TOUGH BASTARD, THREE KINGS), Lance Henriksen (ALIENS, NEAR DARK), Arabella Holzbog (CARNOSAUR 2, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE), William Forsythe (EXTREME PREJUDICE, THE ROCK, OUT FOR JUSTICE), Richard Gant (ROCKY V, THE BIG LEBOWSKI, "Hostetler" on DEADWOOD), Evan James (HARD TO KILL, PENTATHLON). Produced by Yoram Ben-Ami (LONE WOLF MCQUADE, 3 NINJAS KICK BACK), Moshe Diamant (TIMECOP, HARD TARGET), Gary Wichard (BLACKOUT, C.O.D.), Walter Doniger (also the writer), Michael Douglas (BASIC INSTINCT, FALLING DOWN), Nick Grillo (YOUNGBLOOD, GODS & GENERALS), Udi Nedivi (BLOOD RUN, SUPER 8), and Rick Bieber (FLATLINERS, DOUBLE IMPACT). Stunt coordinated by Paul Baxley (ACTION JACKSON, PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER), with some stunts by Al Leong (LETHAL WEAPON, DIE HARD). Tag-line: "He'll burn you cold." Best one-liner: "This reminds me of my father's last words: 'Don't son, that gun is loaded!'"
Vast, ominous technological forces seem to have aligned against your experiencing my recommendation of STONE COLD until today. But that's just fine. STONE COLD can wait. It's capable of "burning you cold," anytime, anywhere.
Allow me to paint you a vivid picture. Imagine if a freak industrial accident resulted in the unholy fusion of COBRA, ROAD HOUSE, and DEATH WISH 3 into one movie. Now imagine that this movie is written and directed by ZZ Top in a parallel universe where they went to film school instead of recording hit songs like "Tush." Now imagine that it stars ex-NFLer-turned-thespian Brian "The Boz" Bosworth, and you have a rudimentary concept of what the STONE COLD experience is like.
Let me put it this way– within the first five minutes of this film, we have Ritz crackers getting machine-gunned to hell, a poor man's Tom Cruise taking a girl with massive orthodontia hostage and telling her to keep quiet, "TINSEL TEETH!", we have The Boz (clad in a leather-fetish-wear version of Sherlock Holmes' jacket-cape and possessing an incredible two-tone, wavy-molded mullet) calmly shopping for bananas, then the bad guys taken care of by The Boz with the aid of several random grocery items (including vegetable oil, pastries, and canned goods), followed by a one-liner about a "clean-up in aisle four," a completely ludicrous "bikers behaving badly" montage, whereupon William Forsythe gets William Tell'd and basks in the pinwheeling glory of gun-blasted beer foam, I'm sure I could come up with a one-liner about too much head in the beer or something, but incidentally, this is only way that Forsythe imbibes, on or off a set.
followed by Forsythe pulling the same trick on another biker with an Uzi, a crazed act which results in a random car explosion and glorious peals of frenzied Forsythe laughter– no sir, this is not garden variety lunacy.
Oh yeah, and in case you've forgotten, I'm still working on the rundown of "things that happen within the first five minutes of STONE COLD." Finally, we're treated to the following tableau, that of a shotgun-toting biker who looks like a Dick Tracy villain crashing the party at a baptism and blowing away the Reverend who flies backward twenty feet, through a stained-glass window, revealing an army of bikers, poised to take over the US of A, one defenseless pastor at a time. Why, you ask? Hmmm... Well, you know what, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that your mind isn't even capable of asking 'why' at this point– there is literally so much shit happening, you're liable to bust a synapse or risk an aneurysm if you try to do anything except allow the glory of STONE COLD to wash over you.
So let's talk about "The Boz." I'm reasonably certain that no one has ever risked brain injury while contemplating "The Boz." "The Boz" plays one tough cop who's on suspension for, typically, being too good at his job. But while the dangerous biker gang/army/nation The Brotherhood roams the American Southeast, no one is safe. Before you can say "You've logged more biker-related arrests than any other officer in Alabama," "The Boz" is recruited by the FBI, who are represented as a bunch of square-headed pencil-necks who definitely aren't cool or tuff enuff to infiltrate a dangerous biker gang on their own. Now The Boz's acting expertise lies somewhere between "child excited to be starring in a home movie" and "Rowdy Roddy Piper," and as far as I'm concerned, that's a good thing. You can sense a genuine, babyish excitement beneath everything that he does: he is damn happy to be in this movie, and consequently, you are damn happy to be watching him.
BEHOLD: The Boz constructing a zany milkshake out of bananas, candy bars, and random bric-a-brac So that's what the bananas were for!
which he feeds to his pet Komodo dragon! And, of course, he does it all in macabre exercise-wear perhaps purloined from the set of PERFECT.
GAZE UPON: Lance Henriksen's performance as "Chains," the master of The Brotherhood. "Chains" should probably have gone by the name of "Chuckles" because the ratio of Lance Henriksen giggling malevolently to that of Lance Henriksen beating people with chains is approximately eight-hundred thousand to zero. Seriously, Chains' main character trait is indeed to react to nearly everything with near-psychotic glee and the accompanying degree of bemused chuckling. Lance, naturally, manages to make this work beautifully, and delivers another nuanced, genuine, scary-good performance. Highlights include Lance's secret biker handshake, soon followed by the threat to "peel your skin off with a knife dipped in shit!" Lance laying waste to a courtroom while wearing a priest's cassock (which naturally makes me think of Rutger Hauer's priest disguises in SURVIVING THE GAME and WEDLOCK), and use of priceless, well-delivered Henriksen one-liners such as "TAKE THAT FUCKEN HARMONICA DOWN THE PARKING LOT, MAN!!!" and "WELCOME TO MY SLAUGHTERHOUSE!"
SEE: William Forsythe in rare form (though not quite eclipsing his no-holds-barred portrayal in OUT FOR JUSTICE), brawling like a nut-kicking madman, and calling out The Boz for what he is:
BE SUBJECTED TO: Involuntary and generally shameful personal displays of head-banging, courtesy of a soundtrack featuring selections by "Saigon Kick," "Wire Train", "Cryer," "Martin Block," and sweet God in heaven, "The Doobie Brothers."
BEAR WITNESS TO: More unnecessary biker lady nudity per capita than in any comparable film, nearly as many senseless car explosions as in DEATH WISH 3, a club named "Club Salsa" (shades of Club...SALSA?), a man flinging a switchblade into the buttcheeks of a pin-up photo...of buttcheeks, bikers showering a fallen comrade in Jack Daniels and Domino's pizza; and a man shot off of a motorcycle as he rides through a marble colonnade in the hallway of a statehouse building, whereupon the motorcycle flies out the window and takes out a helicopter, which falls to its fiery death and explodes some vehicles on the ground.
Yes, this is a five star movie, and yes, I will defend this ruling to the death. I never knew I could be burned so cold.
So, Rachel Klein's THE TRAGEDY OF MARIA MACABRE, for which I co-wrote the scenario, did the sound design, and made a film adaptation last year, is up for the Capezio A.C.E. award through the site DanceMedia, with a brief excerpt of the March 2nd show at Dixon Place available to watch online. You can vote for the show and watch the clip HERE. You do have to register, but it's a simple matter and you won't get spammed, so go for it!
Stars: 4 of 5. Running Time: 111 minutes. Notable Cast or Crew: Chuck Norris (CODE OF SILENCE, MISSING IN ACTION), Billy Drago (THE UNTOUCHABLES, GUNCRAZY), Richard Jaeckel (THE LINEUP, THE DIRTY DOZEN, STARMAN), Mark Margolis (REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, ABSOLUTE POWER), Begonya Plaza (HEARTBREAK RIDGE, 48 HRS.), Paul Perri (FREEWAY, MANHUNTER). Music by Frederic Talgorn (ROBOT JOX, FORTRESS). Written by Lee Reynolds (ALAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD, WHO AM I?). Tag-line: "Norris and the force are back!" Best one-liner: "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!" AKA: DELTA FORCE 2: OPERATION STRANGLEHOLD.
We got the Globus, lost the Golan, but Chuck is back and it's a Cannon film – a canon film, really– and that's all that matters, for they say this is a sequel, but a sequel to what? I find myself asking, Chuck's the only returning actor, he never really has a back-story, and the eponymous DELTA FORCE is never mentioned– no matter; a Norris is a Norris is a Norris is a Norris as they say but wait– in this DELTA FORCE, may we heed the ominous warning from the atlas' yellowed, dusty pages... "HERE THERE BE DRAGOS" and Dragos there are indeed (we'll call this specimen Billy) and he first appears with a glittery, hooded cape which he twirls and flips with all the grace and aplomb of a Cannon Films wrongdoer why the cape? you see, it's Carnival in Rio, but SWEET GOD WATCH OUT FOR THE BLISTERING LEAD WHICH POURS FORTH FROM THE WEAPONS OF THE GANGS OF DANCING-CLOWNS and now it's war or revenge or whatever you want to call it, but back in the States some Cannon punks are making a pyramid out of Miller High Life, which is only right, 'cause it's the champagne of beers and then they start some real trouble, amateurishly manhandling the Chinese restaurant owner and insulting his General Tso's chicken, but they picked the wrong bistro for that manner of tomfoolery since Norris is a loyal customer and he really knows how to handle men- he's a professional manhandler and he proceeds to teach a master's course on the appreciation of the finer points of Chinese cuisine SPLOOOSH right in the fried rice and then informs the proprietor "Personally Mr. Kwon I think your food is great"
and then we're back in San Carlos or should I say in San Carlos for the first time (home of Billy Drago, the master drug kingpin), and even though they have the Columbian flag and the movie is subtitled THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION, none of this has anything to do with Columbia it's a made-up country called San Carlos so geeze don't get your panties in a bunch anyway Drago's the sort of drug kingpin who likes to lean back all the way in his carseat if ya know what I mean; he holds his country in the grip of terror along with a corrupt General played by Mark Margolis who occasionally exclaims sheer eloquence such as "SHIT!!!"
anyway Drago rapes and slaughters and murders and has kind of a lavender color scheme in his bedroom and kills babies and holds Columbia in the grip of terror, whoops I mean San Carlos, and who can stop him, who is man enuff to stop him before he can accomplish his goal of lockin' lips with every last freedom-luvin' hombre in this movie? well, we shall see...we shall see... but before Billy can caress his next victim, General John P. Ryan is the man with the plan (not Panama, though– San Carlos!) and he's sort of the same character from RUNAWAY TRAIN, except now he's one of the good guys (I guess?) and so under John P. Ryan's command (tutelage?), NORRIS busts in, makin' the Drago bust at 20,000 feet on an international flight and Drago senses weakness but before they can join the mile-high club, Chuck tosses his ass outta the plane, just to show that he means business, too and then nose-dives to save his scummy drug-dealin' hide, (he should have a fair trial, after all) but you will believe a Chuck can fly but at the trial, justice is re-defined, the 'Drag-ster gets off on a technicality ("Isn't democracy great?"), and then he kills everyone that Norris has ever cared about, cares about, or ever will care about and escapes back to San Carlos cause he's just that sort of som'bitch I mean look at 'im the toast of the town wearin' a puff-sleeve blazer he stole off the set of THE GOLDEN GIRLS that 'ole Bill Drago the toast of the town
but Chuck vows revenge! extradition treaties be damned he starts lookin' for love in all the wrong places C'mere you young tuffs have you got What It Takes we gotta out-commando COMMANDO (that means no underpants) we gotta outgun TOP GUN Chuck's montage is all about trainin' watch him sandblast that adolescent watch the backward-ram face-jam (kinda more like SALO than DELTA FORCE 1!)
and now for a little lady Chuck likes to call the crotch-thrust maneuver it's not hard to do, he can teach it to you first you put the head in the crotch, and then, well, I guess that's the only step but ample screentime is devoted to its proper form
so now that Chuck has got What It Takes, it's time to head down to Columb– shit, I do mean San Carlos don't forget your flask, John P. Ryan! thank God, sometimes he forgets the flask but he never forgets his catchphrase..."ALWAYS THE HARD WAY!"
and so Chuck goes all MISSING IN ACTION on the (island? landlocked?) nation and John P. Ryan tools around in a helicopter, shooting off well-proportioned rockets and blasting hot lead into sweaty, South American bodies and shouting sophisticated quotables such as: "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
and then the big showdown happens after Chuck defeats the poor man's Al Leong (if you know what that means then allow me to tip my glass to you, sir) and hoo boy you don't wanna miss this Billy Drago catches Chuck in his bedroom and... well just watch the video
but then John P. Ryan comes to blow up his pool a damn shame, hope the pool boys made it out safely and we're entreated to a patented whacky rope pull chase whereupon Chuck n' Bill zip through the rainforest, fighting one another as they dangle from JPR's 'copter and I gotta say it's my favorite high-speed forest chase since RETURN OF THE JEDI and I won't say how it ends but let's just say that Chuck and Johnny P. Ryan keep America safe from Billy Drago makeout sessions so that they can... ...have their own?
A short play called "Chainsaw Alley's a Helluva Place to be at 3 O'Clock in the Morning, or at Any Other Time" (which I originally wrote a while back for STAGE BLOOD IS NEVER ENOUGH) will be appearing at Blue Box Productions' STICKY this Friday, where it will star the talented Meghan Holland and my sister, Jillaine Gill. The details are as follows:
