Sunday, May 15, 2011

Film Review: DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION (1990, Aaron Norris)

Stars: 4 of 5.
Running Time: 111 minutes.
Notable Cast or Crew: Chuck Norris (CODE OF SILENCE, MISSING IN ACTION), Billy Drago (THE UNTOUCHABLES, GUNCRAZY), Richard Jaeckel (THE LINEUP, THE DIRTY DOZEN, STARMAN), Mark Margolis (REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, ABSOLUTE POWER), Begonya Plaza (HEARTBREAK RIDGE, 48 HRS.), Paul Perri (FREEWAY, MANHUNTER). Music by Frederic Talgorn (ROBOT JOX, FORTRESS). Written by Lee Reynolds (ALAN QUATERMAIN AND THE LOST CITY OF GOLD, WHO AM I?).
Tag-line: "Norris and the force are back!"
Best one-liner: "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
AKA: DELTA FORCE 2: OPERATION STRANGLEHOLD.


DELTA FORCE 2: THE COLOMBIAN CONNECTION– another in a continuing series on run-on sentence/tone poems possibly inspired by William Faulkner and/or Gertrude Stein.

We got the Globus, lost the Golan, but Chuck is back and it's a Cannon film
– a canon film, really–
and that's all that matters, for they say this is a sequel, but a sequel to what? I find myself asking,
Chuck's the only returning actor, he never really has a back-story, and the eponymous DELTA FORCE is never mentioned–
no matter; a Norris is a Norris is a Norris is a Norris as they say

but wait– in this DELTA FORCE, may we heed the ominous warning from the atlas' yellowed, dusty pages...
"HERE THERE BE DRAGOS"

and Dragos there are indeed (we'll call this specimen Billy) and he first appears with a glittery, hooded cape which he twirls and flips with all the grace and aplomb of a Cannon Films wrongdoer
why the cape? you see, it's Carnival in Rio, but
SWEET GOD WATCH OUT FOR THE BLISTERING LEAD WHICH POURS FORTH FROM THE WEAPONS OF THE GANGS OF DANCING-CLOWNS

and now it's war or revenge or whatever you want to call it,
but back in the States some Cannon punks are making a pyramid out of Miller High Life, which is only right, 'cause it's the champagne of beers

and then they start some real trouble, amateurishly manhandling the Chinese restaurant owner and insulting his General Tso's chicken, but they picked the wrong bistro for that manner of tomfoolery since
Norris is a loyal customer and he really knows how to handle men- he's a professional manhandler
and he proceeds to teach a master's course on the appreciation of the finer points of Chinese cuisine


SPLOOOSH right in the fried rice
and then informs the proprietor "Personally Mr. Kwon I think your food is great"

and then we're back in San Carlos
or should I say in San Carlos for the first time (home of Billy Drago, the master drug kingpin),
and even though they have the Columbian flag and the movie is subtitled THE COLUMBIAN CONNECTION, none of this has anything to do with Columbia it's a made-up country called San Carlos so geeze don't get your panties in a bunch

anyway Drago's the sort of drug kingpin who likes to lean back all the way in his carseat if ya know what I mean;
he holds his country in the grip of terror
along with a corrupt General played by Mark Margolis who occasionally exclaims sheer eloquence such as

"SHIT!!!"

anyway Drago rapes and slaughters and murders and has kind of a lavender color scheme in his bedroom

and kills babies and holds Columbia in the grip of terror, whoops I mean San Carlos, and who can stop him, who is man enuff to stop him before he can accomplish his goal of lockin' lips with every last freedom-luvin' hombre in this movie? well, we shall see...we shall see...


but before Billy can caress his next victim, General John P. Ryan is the man with the plan (not Panama, though– San Carlos!)

and he's sort of the same character from RUNAWAY TRAIN, except now he's one of the good guys (I guess?)
and so under John P. Ryan's command (tutelage?), NORRIS busts in, makin' the Drago bust at 20,000 feet on an international flight
and Drago senses weakness

but before they can join the mile-high club,
Chuck tosses his ass outta the plane, just to show that he means business, too

and then nose-dives to save his scummy drug-dealin' hide, (he should have a fair trial, after all) but you will believe a Chuck can fly

but at the trial, justice is re-defined, the 'Drag-ster gets off on a technicality ("Isn't democracy great?"), and
then he kills everyone that Norris has ever cared about, cares about, or ever will care about
and escapes back to San Carlos cause he's just that sort of som'bitch

I mean look at 'im
the toast of the town
wearin' a puff-sleeve blazer he stole off the set of THE GOLDEN GIRLS
that 'ole Bill Drago
the toast of the town

but Chuck vows revenge! extradition treaties be damned
he starts lookin' for love in all the wrong places

C'mere you young tuffs
have you got What It Takes
we gotta out-commando COMMANDO
(that means no underpants)
we gotta outgun TOP GUN
Chuck's montage is all about trainin'
watch him sandblast that adolescent

watch the backward-ram face-jam

(kinda more like SALO than DELTA FORCE 1!)

and now for a little lady Chuck likes to call
the crotch-thrust maneuver
it's not hard to do, he can teach it to you
first you put the head in the crotch,

and then,

well, I guess that's the only step

but ample screentime is devoted to its proper form

so now that Chuck has got What It Takes, it's time to head down to Columb– shit, I do mean San Carlos
don't forget your flask, John P. Ryan!

thank God, sometimes he forgets the flask
but he never forgets his catchphrase..."ALWAYS THE HARD WAY!"

and so Chuck goes all MISSING IN ACTION on the (island? landlocked?) nation and John P. Ryan tools around in a helicopter, shooting off well-proportioned rockets and blasting hot lead into sweaty, South American bodies and shouting sophisticated quotables such as:

"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

and then the big showdown happens after Chuck defeats the poor man's Al Leong (if you know what that means then allow me to tip my glass to you, sir)
and hoo boy
you don't wanna miss this
Billy Drago catches Chuck in his bedroom
and...
well just watch the video

but then
John P. Ryan comes to blow up his pool

a damn shame, hope the pool boys made it out safely
and we're entreated to a patented whacky rope pull chase

whereupon Chuck n' Bill zip through the rainforest, fighting one another as they dangle from JPR's 'copter
and I gotta say it's my favorite high-speed forest chase since RETURN OF THE JEDI
and I won't say how it ends
but let's just say that Chuck and Johnny P. Ryan keep America safe from Billy Drago makeout sessions so that they can...

...have their own?

-Sean Gill

No comments: